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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think a Bride is mean

68 replies

Daffy10 · 03/09/2015 12:29

Am bridesmaid soon for my friend.

We have to pay for our own make up, shoes, jewellery, tan etc.

I also have to pay for her hens which is costing a bomb!

I ahve never been a bridesmaid before, what is the norm can someone tell me?

Being bridesmaid seems to be more hassle and money then its worth!

OP posts:

AnnoyedByAlfieBear · 03/09/2015 12:51

I paid for my bridesmaids dresses, shoes and hair. And jewellery as a gift. Any make up / tan they wanted was from the or own pocket. I can remember about the hen do, but I would expect to pay for yourself and a contribution towards the bride.

GothicRainbow · 03/09/2015 12:51

I paid fully for my own hen night - no one had to spend any money if they didn't want to.

I agree with PP who suggest you use your own shoes, jewellery, do your own hair, usual makeup that way costs will be kept to a minimum.

I only had the one bridesmaid at my wedding but paid for everything - was one of the reasons we only had the one!

joia · 03/09/2015 12:52

Are we only allowed to talk about our children and parenting, Soupdragon? Lawks!

When I was a bridesmaid we had somebody to do our hair on the day. Makeup not specified, some wore it, some not, but not provided by bride. Same with shoes and jewellery. No fake tan!

Original poster

Daffy10 · 03/09/2015 12:56

Who normally buys all the tacky bits? Sashs etc??

It just seems to be more hassle & money than anything.

OP posts:

Jackie0 · 03/09/2015 12:58

Oh SoupDragon, you must have known you wouldn't get away with a statement like that .
There have been whole threads devoted to it.
( another non parent here)

Brummiegirl15 · 03/09/2015 12:58

I was bridesmaid for my sister and my Mum paid for my dress, shoes, hair and make up.

I didn't get a present as the shoes were my present (they were Jimmy Choos!!!)

I suspect had I not been a sister and my Mum wasn't paying it would've been very different.

InimitableJeeves · 03/09/2015 12:59

Don't buy tacky stuff! Who needs it?

And, for goodness sake, forget the tan. Who wants a load of orange bridesmaids?

Jackie0 · 03/09/2015 12:59

Does it have to be a tacky hen do?
Is the hen party quite large?

Junosmum · 03/09/2015 13:03

I've been an adult bridesmaid twice. The first time I bought my own dress as I knew the bride was skint. I did my own hair and make up (and the brides) and I bought my own shoes. I don't do fake tan, I'm waaaaaay to pale and end up looking like an umpa lumpa.

The second time they bought my dress. I wore shoes I already owned and did my own hair and make up, and the brides.

For my own wedding I bought the dresses (they chose, they had a price limit and could 'top up' if they wanted a more expensive one). I bought shoes but choose specific ones for them. I also paid for their hair to be done, but because I wanted a nice morning at the hairdressers with them, and it was only £20 each.

On all hen parties I have split the cost of the brides portion and the bits of tat between all hens, but I have generally kept costs down (all hen parties have been sub £100 including food and drink).

On he parties I have attended I have happily chipped in for the hens portion and for bits of tat.

Had I had to pay for my own hen party, as the bride, I wouldn't have had one, I told my MoH I wasn't having one as couldn't afford it and she threw me a surprise one which was very kind but unexpected.

If you can't afford it tell her, only contribute what you can afford. I assume as you are good friends that you know her financial circumstances?

Original poster

Daffy10 · 03/09/2015 13:07

She asked for the tacky stuff the more the better she said. She just didn't say who was supposed to pay for all this stuff.

she also asked for a bridal shower and said she wants one for the presents?!

OP posts:

AlisonWunderland · 03/09/2015 13:07

Don't buy the tacky hen night stuff. It's tacky - that's a hint not to bother

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 03/09/2015 13:10

I'd expect the bride to pay for a bridesmaids dress. Anything else that she wants to insist on is also at her cost.

Tell her you are doing your own hair, makeup and tan as it's outside of your budget. If she wants you to look a specific way, then she'll either have to sack you or pay for it.

Plenty of brides will make arrangements for professionals to do all the hair and beauty stuff but they usually give you the option to opt in or out.

The hen stuff is a bore. I never want to be a bridesmaid again.

Queeltie · 03/09/2015 13:11

When I was a bridesmaid I had the dress bought for me, I just wore shoes I already had and did my own hair and make up.
For Hen party we went out and paid for our own drinks, and took turns buying the Hen's drinks. Not expensive though.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 03/09/2015 13:12

WTF is a Bridal Shower? Surely that's the hen party?

We did one [of sorts] at an afternoon tea hen party. The brief to the other guests was to buy something silly for a 1930/50's bride to be. Melon Ballers, doilies etc. It turned into a "guess wtf this is for" part of the afternoon. I think the turkey baster got the most pics though.

SuperFlyHigh · 03/09/2015 13:13

OP if bride asked for tacky stuff then fine - but split it between you and other BM.

I would tell the bride that in USA (where showers originate from) the whole point is that they replace the hen night/party and you give presents there. So either she picks a shower OR a hen night. She's being greedy otherwise.

In USA they DO have a party/meal out at restaurant before the wedding (rehearsal but I don't think it was that...) in our case everyone came from both bride and grooms side and it was the night or 2 nights before the wedding, can't recall offhand.

Junosmum · 03/09/2015 13:14

Bridal shower? Seriously? Cheeky cow.

velvetspoon · 03/09/2015 13:15

I was a bridesmaid - my dress was bought for me. There was suggestion we'd get hair and makeup paid for but in the end bride ran out of money so we did our own. I had to pay for my own hair accessories/ jewellery (not helped by bride giving no direction other than she wanted the 4 of us who are all different ages, races, heights, shapes and colouring to match...) shoes and anything else. I also lost 2 days earnings attending repeated bridesmaids dress fittings in the arse end of nowhere because bride wanted dresses from a 'boutique' rather than a high street store. Oh, and I had to pay for suits for both my DC who were groomsmen/ushers.

There were also 2 hen dos. I only went to one, for which we split costs.

SuperFlyHigh · 03/09/2015 13:15

I would also point out to Bridezilla as you were BM for her - what you paid out for her and what she has asked from you (say if you mind/don't mind) and that the additional tacky hen do stuff is quite expensive...

watch out for fireworks...

TimeToMuskUp · 03/09/2015 13:15

I've been an adult bridesmaid quite a few times and never paid for anything. I paid for everything for my 4 bridesmaids when I got married 5 years ago including shoes, bags, hair and makeup. It was my choice to have a hair stylist and makeup artist get me ready for the wedding, it was my choice to have the bridesmaids wear a certain dress, therefore it was my responsibility to pay.

My hen weekend was in Ireland, hens paid for themselves, I paid for the hotel. Again, it was somewhere I wanted to go, it made sense I sucked up the cost.

DisappointedOne · 03/09/2015 13:17

Jesus! Don't I feel like a mug! I had one best woman. I bought her dress, 2 pairs of shoes and accessories. I paid for her hair and we did our own make up and nails.

I had 3 hen dos: a meal and drinks in my home town for my male and female friends (my dad came too); I booked an area at a club for happy hour and paid for hot nibbles for people I worked with in London. I then took my best woman away for a long weekend for a city break, paid for spa treatments, hotel and meals etc.

I never realised I could raid people's purses in the interests of my own wedding!

sparechange · 03/09/2015 13:19

soupdragon is on another thread whinging about cyclists, btw
on a parenting website

MissBattleaxe · 03/09/2015 13:20

she also asked for a bridal shower and said she wants one for the presents?!

Who asked for that? The bride or the maid of honour? If the maid of honour is asking then she should do it herself. If it's the bride then it's very grabby indeed to have a hen night AND a shower AND one for the presents. Jut tcos some bloke proposed it doesn't make the bride Royalty.

Traditionally, the bride and groom open the gifts together at home.

KitKat1985 · 03/09/2015 13:21

I wouldn't do the bridal shower at all. She will get presents at the wedding. She does not need double presents. That's just bloody rude.

For the hen plan something simple and not too expensive (in my experience many people hate the whole '3 day hen party' crap anyway as it's expensive and takes up too much of their free time). Usually you would contact the other hens in advance I believe and let them know what their share of the cost is. You shouldn't cover the whole thing. Oh and don't spend too much on tacky crap. It all just gets chucked out in the end (hint: the pound shops tend to sell a lot of that shite).

She should pay for the dress. If she wants you to have your hair / make-up / particular shoes for the day then I think she should pay for that too (or at least contribute towards it), otherwise just do your own hair and make-up and wear shoes you already own.

I was a bridemaid a couple of months back. Never again. It was a PITA.

Jackie0 · 03/09/2015 13:21

She can't have a hen do AND a shower, absolutely not on , very grabby.

PingpongDingDong · 03/09/2015 13:26

In answer to your original question I think the norm varies! I've been to several weddings in the past few years. At one the bridesmaids did their own make up, had their hair done but bought their own shoes. In the others the bride/groom paid for everything but the bridesmaids were children and teens. I'm having little bridesmaids and am paying for everything. So while your situation isn't that unusual I don't blame you for feeling a bit fed up.

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