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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel I am wasting his childhood

63 replies

cjt110 · 02/09/2015 14:01

I have always been the OCD, must be tidy, clean, tasks done kind of person.

DS came along. I love him more than words can describe but I haven't recently found myself thinking, god I'm doing mindless shit X, Y, Z when I should be playing with him, watching tv with him, reading to him.

Our typical night. I get home at 515. I cook tea if DH hasn't. Tea is at 6. Tidy up after tea. Takes me to about 630. He then watches ITNG and I find myself making lunches for the following day or some other task.

Lately I have realised I should be putting all that stuff to the side and spending my time with him. He suddenly turned 1. well not suddenly obviously but it felt like it!

I find myself letting him play on his own whilst I busy myself with things.

How do you do it? Not put housework etc over your child. I feel awful that one day I'll turn around and have missed something, all because I was busy doing something else. Sad

OP posts:
bigkidsdidit · 02/09/2015 14:42

I agree, tidy is important, but when I worked full time I tried to focus only on the dc between 5 and 8. I'd sit at the table while they ate and had a cup of tea, play on the floor with them, and then sit in the sofa cuddling them during itng. I'd also set them up with games and sit reading my book too. Then bath and stories. If you only see them a few hours a day I think it's important, and the washing up can wait till bedtime.

Just my opinion obviously, nothing you are doing will harm your dc in any way whatsoever! But out of 24 hours a day I felt it was inportant to have a few hours of my attention.

Original poster
cjt110 · 02/09/2015 14:43

Thankyou for all your replies. Perhaps I am/was being too hard on myself. and yes MrsTedCrilly It was amazing Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
cjt110 · 02/09/2015 14:45

Ha RachelZoe

Maybe I need to take your approach bigkidsdidit and after tea, nothing happens until he's settled happily in bed. I mean, I can do the tasks quickly, watching the tv in the background and still have good quality time with him before he goes to bed.

I just know that now, as he's getting older, he will perhaps be more conscious of where I am/am not.

OP posts:
MrsTedCrilly · 02/09/2015 14:46

MrsB It's not bollocks, you're just thinking too extremely. Easing off housework for a few hours, to still do it later or do it when her son is occupied, does not equate to living in a tip. It is still getting done on the same day just with the added bonus of OP enjoying playing with her little one too.

bigkidsdidit · 02/09/2015 14:47

Yes that was the trigger for me - he got older and started saying 'mummy please play with me'!

I wouldn't do it all day now I work part time, because the house needs to be clean and they need to learn to entertain themselves, but if you only have a few hours, for me the priority was them.

Notso · 02/09/2015 14:50

If his Dad is just on the sofa then surely there is your solution. Get him to takeover whatever you are doing in the kitchen or play with DS.

Having been on the other end of the spectrum where my Mum and Dad were almost always to busy working, cleaning and doing DIY etc to play. I have made an effort to not be too busy for my kids. Sometimes that means the house is messy or I put off chores until bedtime. Other times it means they help me which means jobs take longer and don't get done to the standard I'd like.

Original poster
cjt110 · 02/09/2015 14:53

Notso I get your point but surely then that means I get time with DS and DH doesnt?

(DS is 1 and so having him help isn't an option Smile)

OP posts:
MrsBalustradeLanyard · 02/09/2015 14:56

Mrs oh I know, I was articulating the extreme for emphasis. It's just something that pisses me off. Dads are never supposed to feel guilty for working/housework/hobbies but we're meant to feel guilty for wanting to do the dishes whilst the kids amuse themselves. Fuck that.

ImperialBlether · 02/09/2015 14:56

The clue is in your husband sitting on the sofa! Why don't you have half an hour doing housework, then half an hour with your son, swapping over with your husband? Repeat if necessary, but in smaller chunks, so next time it's 15 minutes on/off. Whoever is 'off duty' spends the time with your son, not relaxing adult-style.

Thurlow · 02/09/2015 14:56

Going back to an earlier question, what are you doing when your DS goes to bed? Is there a reason why those jobs can't be done when he is asleep?

I get where everyone is coming from about not wanting your kids to be embarrassed about their home, and also, it's just not nice to live in a messy home. And kids need to learn that housework needs to be done.

It might just be me, though, but if I've been out at work all day (which I am) then I don't do anything housework related that takes time before DD is asleep.

CJCreggsmyhero · 02/09/2015 14:56

When I worked FT, I just tried gor half an hour with DC's. Whether it was cuddles to TV, quick Lego session, playing bathing babies - just some one on one activity.

Now I'm a SAHM I find myself realising some days I haven't even managed half hour with them Blush

Original poster
cjt110 · 02/09/2015 15:09

Sorry I misinterpreted the hubby on sofa comment. Yes, that's a good idea. When I get in he has already been with DS for about an hour so yes, probably a good idea.

Thurlow No actual reason they cant be done other than I cant stand seeing dirty dishes left for 2ish hours. Perhaps I ought to change my priorities. Maybe it gos back to when Dh would get in from work when I was on mat leave and the tidying time I did was my time away/break/rest from my son.

I do try and play with his duplo with him, or even just sit cuddling him whilst he watches ITNG. I just find I get so carried away.

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 02/09/2015 15:16

Clean is important - tidy is not so important all the time, but you should teach a child to clear up their own stuff and help you clear up too.

I grew up in a messy, dirty house so I went over the top with cleaning and tidying when I got my own home. Took me ages to find the right balance!

Apathyisthenewblah · 02/09/2015 15:16

It sounds like you are doing fine. It is no bad thing for little ones to potter around while you get stuff done. And he is having fun with you at bath time.

I think as a parent you always question your choices. The fact that you are concerned perhaps means you feel you are missing out on time with him, it is especially hard when you work full time.

Also if the living area is open plan then that makes it harder to ignore mess. If I can see mess I find it really hard to relax - DH does not share this character trait...

Original poster
cjt110 · 02/09/2015 15:20

Gottagetmoving If you have any tips on how to get a (just) 1yo to tidy I am all ears! I have tried giving him a toy and syaing and pointing to the tub it lives in for him to pit it in there - like he puts toys into the fishing net toy he has. No joy. Its good I gues sbecause he knows which out of the ikea unit tubs contain his toys and will open the correct ones but then proceeds to get every single item out!

Thanks for the compliment Apathy I hope I'm doing fine. I guess it's what youre used to too. I will say to my Mum "God the hous elooks like a bomb sight" when she comes and she always says "it does not, it's immaculate. You keep a lovely house considering you work full time and have a baby"

OP posts:
Artandco · 02/09/2015 15:20

Can you maybe just change around that slot if your working in day. So when you cook maybe bring him into kitchen area at table and set him up with some toys/ crayons/ play dough in highchair so you can talk easier with him and play with him inbetween prep. Then after dinner maybe stop the TV 30 mins, and instead use that 30 mins to play/ read extra to him.

I have ( well dh also) always worked since they were babies, and often had to leave them to entertain themselves whilst I worked alongside them. Things that we did to keep close they love are we always bathed together with them, that's time we are all relaxed and can chill in bath. As babies they laid on us and cuddled or we played, now 4 and 5 we still play bath games and they use this time to chat about their day. We also Coslept when they wanted.

Original poster
cjt110 · 02/09/2015 15:33

Thats a good idea Artandco He quite often shuffles over and sits with me when I'm in the kitchen.

OP posts:
Thurlow · 02/09/2015 15:43

I don't honestly think I would prioritise cleaning dishes that could be cleaned just an hour or two later over playing with my DC. At least, not every single day. Not just because the dishes are there.

I get how you've got into the habit during maternity leave. But you're working now. You need to look at the split of those few hours with your DH.

If he is looking after your DS for an hour before you get in, what's he doing for that hour? He is playing with him? In which case, it's not fair that every evening you do the housework while he is - chilling out? I'm just assuming that if your DS is watching TV.

There's nothing wrong with doing housework while your kids are around. There's nothing wrong with your DS watching telly in the evening. But from an outsider perspective, it looks like the split in the evenings between you and your DH isn't entirely fair.

maddening · 02/09/2015 15:45

Make lunches after he has gone to bed and have simple 20 min to prepare dinners in the week?

PrincessHairyMclary · 02/09/2015 15:45

Can you include him and have him in the kitchen.
I'm on my own with Dd who is now 5 but she practically lived in the kitchen, we have playdoh and colouring in which is within easy reach, often have the IPad in there with some music on and then I alternate playing with her and dancing around the room with whatever jobs I'm doing. She also had a mixing / washing up bowl on a mat on the floor with a few bits in it to "wash up" and a little bit of water...but not too much that a quick mop up wouldn't clear up.

Try to set just 10 minutes a day to sit and engage with him and build up from there. After a busy day after bath time we would play a couple of board games do a few small puzzles and read a story nothing too likely to energize her before bed Gives you chance to reconnect.

As we get busier with work, school and hobbies I still make sure I set that 10 minutes a side otherwise I get complaints of "You never play with me"

Original poster
cjt110 · 02/09/2015 15:51

Im just the busybody housewifey type. I like things done just so and even after 12 years together, his way is wrong lol. He generally is tidying up any washing up thats left from the morning, putting pots away, putting washing on aswell as cooking if I havent and looking after DS.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 02/09/2015 16:44

Bear in mind that growing up in a very clean house with a mother constantly twatting around with dusters and hoovers and horrible stinking chemical sprays can make a child grow up into someone who lives in comfortable chaos and prefers it that way.
An obsession with housework is unhealthy. It's such a fucking waste of time to clean constantly, and it will eat up your whole life if you let it. It's fine to wash up every couple of days/when you run out of clean plates. Laundry can be done once a week or so given that socks, pants etc are cheap enough to own a fortnight's worth.
And the other thing about the tedium and pointlessness of non-stop housework is that it';s supposed to be a way of wasting women's time. It's the idea that, if a house is untidy and the dishes not done, the woman is a moral failure for putting anything above servicing the family on her priority list: even if the house is messy because the man is not doing his share, it's still the woman who is likely to be blamed by any visitors...

3rdSymphony · 02/09/2015 16:55

Exactly, Solid. It's one gendered hang-up I seem to have missed, thankfully. It has never occurred to either DH or me that housework is my responsibility because I have a vagina or once took maternity leave. And the idea that a woman with a messy house is a moral failure in the eyes of guests is something I've only come across on here, and among a tranche of SAHMs in the village we moved to. I honestly never came across it in London. Nor do any of my friends feel this way. It seems pretty widespread on here, depressingly.

Thurlow · 02/09/2015 16:58

Yes, SGB and 3rd. There are always so many women who say they have to have a tidy house. Where has that idea come from?

RachelZoe · 02/09/2015 17:41

Yes, SGB and 3rd. There are always so many women who say they have to have a tidy house. Where has that idea come from?

For me, it comes from wanting to have a calm and productive life. I have my own business, DH is a surgeon, we have 6 kids, we need to have everything organized and streamlined in our life or we don't get to do the things we want to do/get as much done. You can't have a life like ours living in a disorganized and messy home.

SolidGoldBrass

It's fine to wash up every couple of days/when you run out of clean plates.

For you maybe, everyone is happy at their own level. I hate dirty dishes and things lying around, each to their own.

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