Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I want to keep the baby

43 replies

bananasandoats · 01/09/2015 09:40

I am unexpectedly pregnant. I'm in shock, I really am. I don't know how it happened, well obviously I do, but was using condoms and I have always used them and never even had a scare before.

Anyway, I'm panicking about money mainly. How to cope as a single parent, I just don't know. I think I want it, but is it just going to be impossible and obviously if I am going to terminate its best to do it quickly.

OP posts:
Hellocampers · 01/09/2015 09:46

You need to access some professional help and advice to sort out your decision. Brook is great. Also your GP if you trust her. Best of luck op and an unmumsnetty big hug.

chillybillybob · 01/09/2015 09:48

Nothings impossible, if you want the baby keep it. Only you can make that decision.

I was in your position 18 years ago my 17 year old is upstairs in bed!

What makes you think it's impossible to keep it op?

Original poster
bananasandoats · 01/09/2015 09:49

Being single and everyone just always says how hard it is

OP posts:
NotYouNaanBread · 01/09/2015 09:49

It probably isn't impossible, unless you have a very chaotic lifestyle, and you know in your heart that you can't provide safely for a child. Everything seems impossible until you have done it (it sometimes even seems impossible that you survived when you look back at it!).

Whether or not you keep the baby depends entirely on whether you WANT to. Is there a father on the scene? Do you have somewhere to live and means of support (independently of the accessibility of the father)? Family?

Original poster
bananasandoats · 01/09/2015 09:50

No family, father not on the scene (went abroad) and yes of course somewhere to live :)

OP posts:
chillybillybob · 01/09/2015 09:53

It is hard being a single parent but it is also very rewarding.
You need to make the decision which is right for you. As another poster said seek professional help they will help you weigh up all your options and help you decided whats best for you.

Good luck

KitKat1985 · 01/09/2015 09:55

You would survive. I know plenty of people who have done it. Do you work currently?

NotYouNaanBread · 01/09/2015 09:55

People always go on about how hard having children is, but it's also a pretty basic human ability. The first year is hard, I can't deny that, but the compensations are also pretty great.

The fact that you have somewhere to live means that you'll probably manage. If you have been in your current job long enough to qualify for statutory maternity pay, so much the better.

Atenco · 01/09/2015 10:00

I think it would be a good idea to get professional advice, but you say the relationship with the father is over, but how do you think he would react to being a dad? Because your child would sooner or later want to meet him. You say you have no family but maybe his parents would be glad to have a grandchild and be supportive.

Original poster
bananasandoats · 01/09/2015 10:10

Yes, I work.

I can't contact him atenco. Lives abroad, only has first name which I can't spell.

OP posts:
pandamiranda · 01/09/2015 10:14

hi
I also brought up a child on my own and worked full time but it made me feel a fake as i wasn't there. At all the important moments I was at work.
When he was sick and crying for his mum I had to go to work I felt incredibly guilty and over compensated him with things.
I now have a materialistic and uncaring person for a son

If you know the farther, if he can give you financial support and preferably emotional support as well, if you have a supportive family can stay at home at least until the child starts school.
It is ok for people to say it is lovely ,rewarding, completes you.
But it is a serious responsibility, hard work, emotionally demanding, not a job to be taken on lightly.
You have to ask your self are you prepared to give up your freedom your life for years and to put some one else first if you are not please don't bring another misfit in to the world. This is said in kindness as most of the people on here will agree being a mum is a full time job

KanyeWestPresidentForLife · 01/09/2015 10:19

One of my friends has done this of her own free will by using sperm donation and I must say she is doing rather a fantastic jobs and puts most 2 parent families I know in the shade.

Lurkedforever1 · 01/09/2015 10:33

You need professional advice to make an informed decision. I'm a single mum. Dds father isn't involved, he's a knob but his loss, not mine or dds. It's great and if I could afford it I'd happily have more from a sperm donor. Yes it can be tough at times, but I actually like it this way. And making sacrifices for someone you love as much as your child is very different in practice to in theory, it's not even something I actually consider a negative for me.
However there's nothing wrong with abortion if it's the wrong time for you.

Original poster
bananasandoats · 01/09/2015 10:36

What a horrible post panda. Misfit?

I don't think I need professional advice, why would I, genuinely?

I don't want to terminate but I'm scared of being a rubbish mum

OP posts:
Despondentlyyours · 01/09/2015 10:41

How about for reassurance you have a meeting with the Citizen Advice people regards financial support? You could look to work part time (I think that its 18 hours you can do?) you would get Tax credits, possible housing benefits etc you will get help with childcare costs too.

Are you close to your parents? When they get over the shock they might really surprise you with support/gifts? Have you siblings? In my experience a new baby in the family will be very warmly received, regardless of situation.

I had a year off and now work full time, I don't relate to Misfit's view at all. My little one is very grounded and happy.

Original poster
bananasandoats · 01/09/2015 10:42

Oh and my mum and dad always worked full time, funnily enough I'm not a selfish materialistic person as a result Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
bananasandoats · 01/09/2015 10:42

No, I'm not entitled to any benefits apart from Cb - sorry, I thought I said that, my mistake.

My parents are dead. So no support. On the other hand I do want the baby because I have no other family.

OP posts:
sliceofsoup · 01/09/2015 10:46

Jesus Christ panda put a sock in it will you. You might have created a misfit, but that says more about you than it does about your "materialistic and uncaring" son, doesn't it?

OP, if you want this baby then have it. Seriously, you will find a way, one step at a time.

I had a baby with a man who might as well have been abroad for all the use he was at the time. I was 21, working a shitty job for a pittance, and only just keeping my head above water. Things got worse before they got better, but my child had everything she needed, and she is now 6, and is the coolest person I know. She is stubborn and can be cheeky, but she is also very kind, funny and smart. I don't know how I did it, when I look back. But I did.

Original poster
bananasandoats · 01/09/2015 10:47

She sounds lovely sliceofsoup, thanks.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 01/09/2015 10:51

If you feel that you want the baby, go ahead - while I am entirely pro-choice, I do think that terminating a pregnancy you would have preferred to keep can make you unhappy. It is hard to be a single parent, but it's not impossible - the main thing to remember is that life has no guarantees so we just do the best we can with what we get. Good luck.

Solasum · 01/09/2015 10:52

I was in a similar position. I had my baby, and from the outset was amazed by how positive people's responses were. I went back to work pretty quickly, but as long as there is decent childcare around you, that is not necessarily a problem. My son and I are very close, even though he goes to nursery. He is a happy and confident little boy.

I think almost everyone worries they will be a rubbish mum, planned pregnancy or not. It shows you already care about your baby. No one is a perfect mum, you can only do your best.

Congratulations Flowers

Original poster
bananasandoats · 01/09/2015 10:58

I'm definitely pro choice as well, it's just that at my age this is probably the only opportunity I'll get to be a mum and I just can't bring myself to end it now it's happened.

Thanks :)

OP posts:
DowntownFunk · 01/09/2015 11:01

On the other hand I do want the baby

There's your answer. All the best and congratulations.

Lurkedforever1 · 01/09/2015 11:01

By professional advice I mean about maternity rights, money, maintenance etc. Not just what happens if you take normal maternity and return to work ft, but the options if you're unwell in pregnancy or baby is, nurseries, if you change your mind about ft work soon as maternity is up or need to change hours etc. And if you are considering not keeping it medical etc advice.

Fairenuff · 01/09/2015 11:04

Anyone can become a single parent at any time. As SGB said, there are no guarantees, all we can do is try and plan for the unexpected. I would say that you will need support. You cannot do it entirely on your own, there will be days when you are ill or you may even need a night in hospital at some point.

But that support can come from anywhere, it does not have to be family. You can start meeting other people with young children/babies and build up a support network where you help each other out. Reliable friends are absolutely invaluable and will go to the ends of the earth for you if you are also a friend to them. It can be done.

Equally, if you think that this is not the right time for you, that's ok too. The professional advice would be to just talk through your options, voice your concerns and get signposted for further help and support.