to be cross with chronically late, attention/reassurance-seeking friend?

[MoleOfKingTyre]

Usually meet up with friend on my own. She's always late so I bring book to restaurant and wait. Don't mind as have young children at home and happy for peace and quiet. Met up with her plus my DH and DC for walking tour, lunch and theatre in another town 1 hour away. Her idea, but I bought theatre tickets. Plan was to have picnic lunch in between. Night before she rings (waking me up as I had fallen asleep) to say "I am bringing a packed lunch. Do you think that is selfish?" Non-plussed, I said no. Being sleepy, I did not gush "of course not", just sounded non-plussed (as we had agreed to bring packed lunches). She sounded put out that I hadn't spent a lot of time reassuring her, but I was too woozy to care, having just woken up. Next day, she arrives 20 minutes late. We had arrived 30 minutes early, as we set out the time she had said she would set up (9am). She rocks up at 10.50am. We have to run to venue for 11am start. Don't have time to listen to her excuses/apology (which would be in fact an invitation to tell her that we really don't mind!). She seems put out that her "grand entrance" has been ignored and we are more concerned about giving the kids a snack/going to the loo before 11am! Walking tour overruns, kids get hungry, but DH and I manage to distract them. After things are calm, she starts going on "Oh, I feel so terrible, the kids are so bored and hate this, and it was all my idea". I try to "shush" her discretely as I do not want to wind the kids up. She looks very put out at being shushed as this was obviously my opportunity to tell her that of course we don't mind and her needs come before the kids. At lunchtime - which is a quick chance to eat our packed lunch before the show begins - she announces that she has not brought any packed lunch and she will need to buy some sandwiches. I say this is fine and there are lots of sandwich shops close to where we are picnicking. She ignores these and goes on a ten minute trek to buy some rank sandwiches in a petrol station. Then proceeds to eat these sulkily, enviously eyeing our nice picnic. I am busy feeding kids and taking them to the nearest loos (the museum). We are packing up and she announces "I shall have to go to the toilets at the theatre". I say "Why not use the museum loos, they are just over there". She says "Oh, I couldn't use the museum loos". So we queue up in the packed theatre for the four ladies loos with her, and then wait outside. When we are seated she wants to sit in the aisle seat (that I have booked in case the kids need the loo during the performance). I ask her to sit down where she is (not on the aisle) as we are trying to get everyone seated and there is a queue of people behind us. She does not come out during the interval and "hogs" the aisle seat saying that she will have to leave during the performance as "they have brought the soundcheck forward to 6.30pm" for her concert (1.5-2 hours away). Realistically, she will be lucky to make the 7.30pm performance start. I spent £200 on the theatre tickets for us all and hoped it would be a special occasion rather than something she just dropped into. I don't think I'll bother arranging a day out with her again. AIBU?

I think your friendship has run its course and you are both getting wound up and misunderstanding every tiny action to be 'proof positive' that you/her are terrible and justify ending the friendship.

You don't have to do that in order to end a friendship. Just recognise you've grown apart and can no longer run along as you both used to, and move on.

A lot less upsetting on both sides.

I remember spending time with a formerly close friend who was on a mission to deliberately misinterpret every single thing I did or said so she could get wound up and justify her own rather unpleasant behaviour. She was determined to paint me as an overly sensitive whiny etc etc.

It was upsetting and hurtful, whatever I did, said or glanced at was deliberately misinterpreted and amplified. And It took me a long time to realise that she was never going to stop, and I called time on the friendship.

Hopefully you'll do the same quicker to minimise the hurt and frustration on both sides

Yanbu op. I had a friend like this who had no family, few friends, never worked. She was bored out of her skull and kept saying how lonely she was but was so disorganised.

Every time I tried to arrange something it turned into a pantomime. I asked her if she fancied going to the theatre with me one night for example. I asked if she wanted to have food somewhere first or not. She said she'd have food at home first, fair enough. I was in work so had dinner there. She turned up an hour late, then wanted to go to a cafe as she hadn't had food. This was twenty minutes before the show started. By the time she bought food and faffed about in the theatre loo, we were running to get our seats.

Other times we arranged to meet up, it was 'ten texts to arrange a coffee'. I work full time and was busy in work while all this texting was going on. I tried, I really did but she was like a child who wanted me to look after her and make all the decisions, terribly insecure and it was exhausting.

I have other friends who are so straightforward. I just can't be doing with people like this anymore, I don't mean to be nasty but it's too much. It's sad.

Thanks. It is a real drag isn't it.

I had a friend like this about twenty years ago when I had just graduated and started flat-sharing with a really super lovely flatmate. I arranged drinks to introduced super new flatmate to my old friend. I warned flatmate beforehand that friend might turn up late. So we arranged to meet up in bar near friend's work at a time to suit her, as she often had to work late.

Flatmate and I met up at the appointed time and had a few drinks. Had a laugh because friend was late and missed even the time that she herself had chosen. Friend turned up and, rather than apologise, started slagging off me and the new flatmate for being there already. She said it showed that we weren't really committed to our jobs like she was (she being a secretary, me being a legal trainee and flatmate being a management trainee). Luckily flat-mate saw the funny side, and it helped us bond.

I eventually became more "neutral" in my efforts with friend. She moved house without giving me her number. I called her mum and dad and her mum gave me her number but for some reason I never got around to calling her up. In due course I bought my own flat and heard from flatmate that friend had come around about six months after I'd moved out (a year or so after she had moved without passing on my number) absolutely fuming that I had not called.

I think there were control issues in that relationship, of which lateness was a factor.

Yes, it's always somebody elses fault. People like this can't take responsibility for themselves so blame everybody else. They want other people to sort things out for them. The problem is, whatever you do is never enough. It's not helping them in the long run. I know it sounds unkind but I stop meeting people like this and let them deal with the consequences.

She sounds like far too much hard work. Up to you but I have no time for people like that now I have a child and work to juggle.

I think I might stand back and wait for her to initiate the next contact. I'd pre-emptively challenge her about turning up late. Or I might call her to check she's actually on her way.

Mole "She can manage to be on time when she wants to."

that point is crucial.

I just haven't got the patience for this type of person any more. I don't even wonder "why" they are like that. I just move on.