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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell her?

32 replies

Adarajames · 30/08/2015 21:46

I know him well, only met her once; she's divorcing him, think grounds of unreasonable behaviour, he wants to counter sue her for same, saying she knew he had MH issues when married, so can't say he's UR now. He does have MH issues, but aside from that he is rather a selfish, immature arse, just because he is one rather than MH related. He's being very unpleasant, talking of hiding assets, making her pay him spousal maintenance as he's too unwell to work (not entirely true, he has issues with being an arse to bosses to, so doesn't go down well job wise!). I know however that he has been cheating on her for most of their relationship and throughout heir marriage; so my AIBU is to ask if I would BU to tell her about this in hopes that gives her more chance of a fair split and settlement as she'll also have some ammunition? Yes he's my friend, but I feel like I'll be letting down another woman by not giving her the information, wwyd?

OP posts:

ByeByeButterfly · 30/08/2015 21:51

I wouldn't-- if you don't know either of them very well it seems a bit meddlesome. Instead, I'd just offer to be there for her.

Don't get me wrong if she asks you directly has he done x, y and z I wouldn't lie but I wouldn't just offer the information up, as it might seem somewhat stirring (I'm sure that's not your intention, but it may appear that way).

Ironfistfunkymum · 30/08/2015 21:51

Hun stay the fuck out of this.

She is probably not an idiot.

flanjabelle · 30/08/2015 21:54

hun?!

Fuck. am I on netmums?!

Op stay out of it.

WorraLiberty · 30/08/2015 21:55

Just stay out of it.

I don't get the 'letting down another woman' thing though, if you've only met her once. What's all that about?

Plus, if you know he's been cheating on her throughout the relationship, do you not think you've 'let down another woman' but not actually telling her when you found out?

yorkshapudding · 30/08/2015 21:58

The whole situation sounds like such a mess, I'd be inclined to stay out of it. Do you have concrete evidence (or a way for her to obtain evidence) of his cheating? If not it won't make a difference. Also, are you prepared for the fallout when your friend inevitably finds out that you were the source? He sounds like he could be quite a nasty piece of work.

AuntyMag10 · 30/08/2015 22:00

You should stay out of it. It really isn't your place or your business to meddle.

bloodyteenagers · 30/08/2015 22:03

I would stay out of it.
Somewhere in the middle is the truth.
They could both turn on you. Him for you telling her and fucking up his finances. Her for you not saying anything before.

I might have a quiet word about him trying to hide assets etc. but more a general do you think he might. Maybe something to double check.

LuisSuarezTeeth · 30/08/2015 22:05

Keep out of it. Best thing.

BernardlookImaprostituterobotf · 30/08/2015 22:06

While I'm in the camp of wanting to know - how can this help?
I found out because ex was an arrogant idiot who thought I was a fool so I could find & actually did have proof for court but if they've already split how will she get it?

He sounds a bastard, she's probably got her own suspicions but at this point, and recalling how awful my divorce from an argumentative prick was, it just seems like more awfulness to deal with that won't actually help.
I agree the time was before, when she had a chance to deal with it, not now.
He wouldn't be my friend though.
Your sensitivities seem to be a bit misplaced, too little to late perhaps. But I don't know the situation, I'm sure you had your reasons but I wonder if that's how she may feel?

LuisSuarezTeeth · 30/08/2015 22:07

flanjabelle calm down, hun.

Original poster

Adarajames · 30/08/2015 22:10

Byebye - I know him very well, just her I don't

I do have evidence yes.

It was easier to turn a blind eye (as wrong as that was I know!) when he wasn't also trying to take assets from her, and I told myself (again as wrong as that is I know!) she must surely guess; but it's harder now he is being so horrid to her financially as well, and dealing with the guilt I feel about this is even harder. I've always believed that open relationships is fine, and encouraged him to negotiate this with her if was what he wanted, but he's always chosen not to which has had a negative impact on our friendship.
And yes, it's really changed how I view him in a big way now, and it may just be the end of it, even though we've supported one another through some difficult times, which also makes me sad and conflicted

OP posts:

AuntyMag10 · 30/08/2015 22:13

You're 'hoping' it gives her a more fair settlement, but are you certain of it? All you might do is cause her more pain and nothing more. Stay well out of it.

Osolea · 30/08/2015 22:15

I wouldn't.

If she's divorcing him she'll probably already have a decent lawyer on board who will give her all the advice she needs.

Your loyalty should be with your friends rather than people who just happen to have the same reproductive organs as you. If you don't like the way your friend is behaving then distance yourself, but don't shit stir.

ohtheholidays · 30/08/2015 23:07

If I was her I'd want to know.For that reason alone I'd tell her.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/08/2015 23:13

By telling you that he plans to shaft her financially, he is putting you into the position of knowing that he is doing wrong - forcing your collusion. I would not be happy to be put in that position, and so yes, I would tell her.

LazyLohan · 30/08/2015 23:17

No. It would probably just cause everybody concerned more pain. She may well know anyway. And it may just mean an even longer, more bitter, drawn out adversarial divorce. Also you say he has mental health issues and you risk aggravating them. Plus a lot of his behaviour, including problems with bosses and promiscuity may be part and parcel of his mental health issues and as such, all though still not right are perhaps more understandable.

Also he doesn't sound particularly coherent now. I don't think any judge would take the view that awareness of mental health issues at marriage meant a spouse was therefore obliged to stick with a partner no matter how badly they behaved. I suspect that sort of logic may well convince a judge he is difficult.

goddessofsmallthings · 30/08/2015 23:23

If he's been cheating on her throughout their marriage, my concern would be that he may have exposed to a sti and she needs to visit a GUM clinic.

One way of determining if this is the case would be to put the fear of god in him and hope he gets himself checked out and tells you the result, but if not I'd have no compunction about telling putting her wise to all his tricks.

PinkFlamingoAteMyLipstick · 30/08/2015 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

londonrach · 31/08/2015 07:02

Op please keep out of this. Can someone explain huns to me?

ollieplimsoles · 31/08/2015 07:11

We don't usually hun on mn, its more of a nm thing..

Op, if I knew her better I would maybe find a way to help her out here. But I don't know how you could be friends with the guy, he sounds like an arsehole of the highest order. Next time he brags to you about shafting her in court, I would remind him that you know he has cheated, and you have evidence. Then aim never to talk to him again.

MsJamieFraser · 31/08/2015 07:29

Personally l would tell her, but not personally I'd email her with photocopys a of the evidence or send a letter etc....

Hassled · 31/08/2015 07:32

You don't necessarily need to tell her - you could just threaten him with telling her. Do the "look, I have evidence and if you don't start behaving like a decent man then I'll use it" thing - would that not be enough? It would be the end of your friendship but that sounds like it has died a death anyway.

CassieBearRawr · 31/08/2015 07:38

Are you the OW in this 'open relationship' OP?

RolyPolierThanThou · 31/08/2015 08:07

I doubt it. I get the impression this is a work colleague, hence the OP knowing about his being an arse to bosses, knowing him well but not his stbxw and having to spend time with him despite obviously not liking him very much.

Egghead68 · 31/08/2015 08:15

Stay out of it and ditch your friend.

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