Fickle princess or doormat?

[Ninarina]

I've been lurking on so many threads but need advice and please don't hold back. For ten years I've been seeing a man in secret from my family. I'm Asian and had an arranged/ forced marriage in my early 20s- one child- and realised I'd made a terrible mistake. It took ten years for me to get an Islamic divorce. I started working and bought a house and have brought DS up single handedly. Her dad went back to country of origin- no contact since. I met this man at work and he seemed v keen. To cut a long story short he comes over once a week or fortnight never stays over if DD in the house. Now she got job other side of the country. People keep saying now it's my time I can do stuff for myself etc. But my boyf said: 'You better not expect me to be there just because you're free now'. He never buys birthday presents so after years of spending a lot on him I stopped buying him gifts too. He went mad and said 'you didn't even get me anything'. When I pointed out he's not got me anything for years he said:'I've got you plenty over the years'. Which is not true AND very very sad.
When he comes over I always provided snacks and give him doggy bag or bake cookies he likes etc because petrol is expensive but he never asks me if I want anything. In ten years we went on one holiday but he wanted me to pay for everything even though I paid half of petrol and the holiday cottage. He never talks about getting married or the future. He is 50 I am 39. I've never met his family but he's not met mine either because mine are Muslim. I suppose I can see what you will all say. I've felt like I've had limited choice because I always put my DC first and he's been very patient. But I thought once DD was sorted he would jump at chance to be with me. What's been going on all this time? What's he been using me for? Not sex. But what then? I don't get it. He's quite stingy which is annoying but we can enjoy each other's company. I don't get it. Can anyone help. What am I missing. Thanks

Oh dear sorry new to all DS DC DD stuff have got mixed up. Forgive me pls!

He's just not a very nice person! There are much nicer men out there and at 39 you are definitely old enough to weather your family's views if they take issue with your choice. No need to stay with this one just because he has stayed with you for a long time!
When you say 'not sex' do you mean you don't have sex or it's not what he stays for?

Hmm, it seems like he was alright when you couldn't commit much time to him, but actually would make a useless partner. He doesn't think about little things to make you happy, he just wants to have someone there when he wants them to be, and not there when he doesn't.

I agree that this is time for you now. What do you really want? Would you like someone you could properly settle down with, grow old together, get married and share your life? If so, he is not the answer. He doesn't want those things, and trying to get him to fill that gap will only leave you feeling resentful.

So maybe it is time to move on and find someone who is compatible with you :) could you start some hobbies? Join some clubs? Meet like-minded people? You're still very young and there're so many good and kind men in the world, don't settle for less.

Op he sounds awful, quite badly and using. I would break it off with him. You are a strong person and can do this, you will be a lot happier.

To put it nicely, it comes across that you have thought that you were in a "taking it easy" relationship and he views it as a arrangement, with no commitment.

You are entering an exciting time, I'm in my late 40's and my youngest is turning 18, I have a level of freedom, I can focus on life being what I want it to.

If this arrangement isn't bringing you total happiness, then end it.

I think you've answered your question yourself. You've broken free of an unhappy marriage and even got an Islamic divorce. Don't you believe that you deserve better? To be treated better than an open purse or an occasionally thing? Is this what you truly want from a relationship?

I also wonder at you using the phrase "fickle Princess", when all you expect is to be treated decently and with respect.

You should be thankful you have had the opportunity to see this side of him now, when it is relatively easy for you to break things off. He is clearly a nice person to hang around with now and then, but not nearly a nice enough person to marry. You would be very unhappy with someone like this; end it now.

Wow thanks everyone. I wasn't expecting a response and such nice ones. Was thinking all MNetters would kick me in the face for being such a drip. I would HATE it if my girl was in a relationship like this but every time I've tried to end it I miss him too much and then start calling/ texting and it's back where it started. He's never been married, goes on about violent ex who apparently battered him. He's gentle can be funny and sweet as long as you don't make demands. He recently mentioned he still hasn't spent book vouchers- more than £100 from various people. I asked if he would get Girl on the Train- I'm stingy now and had massive pay cut and count books as luxuries. He went mad and said 'you want me to spend my book vouchers on YOU?!'
Ok I have definitely answered my own question. Thank you MN. I love you xxxx

He's not nice Ninarina, a decent respectful man would not behave in this way. You don't need him, you are strong on your own. End it and feel a weight lifted. It's not him you miss, I expect, it being in a relationship and the company. Value yourself, start a new chapter without him in it.

Wow, what a tosser he really is!

Please please please block his phone number and delete all means of contact so that you never ever invite this user back into your life. Not even worth a book that HE wouldn't even be paying for! Wow. Just wow.

You deserve so much better than this love!

I know Hissy, it's awful, sounds like a nasty piece of work.

Nina, he sounds like an arse. You sound like a strong woman. The world is indeed your oyster. End it with him, he is never going to make you happy.

I would definitely see this as all part of a fab brand new start for you, a whole new chapter of your life is beginning...and I think you'll be just fine

He's not a very nice man at all, to put it mildly. To be so patently stingy and using you for all this time puts him in an extremely bad light. Won't even use some book vouchers on you which presumably were received by him as gifts, so would have actually cost him nothing.

He's told you what you are worth to him, and that's not anything. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Rien. Fuck all.

Dump his arse and quickly. Being alone would be better than blatantly being taken advantage of so cynically.

He's a twat.

So, he's been coming to yours for TEN (!!) years accepting your hospitality but is too stingy to give you a book you would like??

Creep!

You sound lovely. And I'm sure there's an equally lovely man for you out there. The longer you waste time and energy on this poor specimen of manhood, the less likely you will come across him.

He isnt prepared to commit and doesnt buy you presents after ten years?

You deserve so much better. Go be young free and single for a while and live your life. Love will come find you.

Actually your 'boyfriend' is quite emotionally abusive, nasty and spiteful, you need to cut him off or your own health and well being. He does absolutely jack all for you, it is just going nowhere as he will continue to do absolutely nothing for you. He is a drain, a leech and a parasite, the quicker you see him and the relationship for what it is, the better. You will feel better with your life, about yourself. You have spend money on him, he buys you nothing's, he has the audacity to be angry at you as you stopped spending on him because of this. He's a wanker and a leech of the highest order. Live yourself op, value yourself, dump him for good!

You have a fabulous future ahead of you full of love and fun. You just have to ditch the boyfriend first.

If it helps I met my DH at 38 so you are not too old...

you are NO age at all for meeting someone new!!! xx

My mum got married last year, she was 74 he was 85 - they met 8 years ago!

That he has such double-standards with the gift-giving! >shakes head<

Shed 14 St of ugly weight. Do it today.

Well help you stay strong with not taking him back. A great technique is Twunt Bingo. I'm sure the wise women will help remind us of key catchphrases he'll use when (not if) he gets in touch to "give you another chance".

"Fickle princess or doormat?"
Can I just ask, where did you get the 'fickle princess' idea from? Was it him?

(You are so very very far from being one, by the way.)

Ninarina

You deserve better.

Hi everyone. I'm shocked and happily surprised so many have taken time to read and offer opinions.
Yes I got a text message from him after I said I was moving on saying: 'oh no one could accuse you of being fickle'. Other times I felt I had to justify not being a gold digger. He just thought it totally normal to split everything 50/50 but if we went out for a drive I was happy to fully pay for meals drinks and snacks even tho I also contributed to petrol. The worst thing was not knowing where I stood. He made me feel like a fool for ever bringing up topic and I felt like he blamed me for going through arranged/ forced/ coerced marriage and not standing up to my parents. But I was barely out of my teens and my dad, in particular, is extremely strict. Even now, unless I was certain I was going to marry, I would not mention boyfriend to my parents as they would freak.
I truly loved this man. I could talk to him especially as I had intense issues with DD (she is bipolar). Sometimes I thought I was going to go mad. I remember wishing that we had a faulty boiler so that carbon monoxide could kill us both in our sleep and the living hell would be over. This man was there for me through that but as a friend. Maybe that's all it was a very deep friendship. But if I mentioned interest from another man he would go ballistic and accuse me of being insincere with him. I don't know. I just think what he said about not being available at drop of hat and stuff about the book was not normal. I'm not stingy with love or money. But my eyes are open and I see that he doesn't love me back. He never will. X

End it, then delete and block his numbers, e mail and forget about this horrid individual. Enjoy your freedom and to be treated with respect and love.