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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He IS BU, isn't he? Should I LTB?

55 replies

OhNotThisAgain · 29/08/2015 19:46

Will try not to drip feed, but obviously there's history. DH and I have been having some problems for a number of years. Haven't found a way to deal with them, so the same things tend to come up over and over again. We live some distance from all of our family members - this is relevant. He's 39, we've been together for almost 15 years and have young children.

2 weeks ago we visited his family - all of us. It's a long way, they are an utter nightmare so trying to pin them down to meet up took a lot of effort and we ended up chasing them across 3 or 4 counties to see them. It was pretty exhausting, but I put up with it a couple of times a year in order to actually see them (if we left it to them we'd never see any of them). We were home for a couple of days before I then left with the DC to visit my relatives (DH never comes, preferring to stay at home and work). So I've done around 2000 miles of driving the past 2 weeks, plus 5 nights on my own with the DCs, who are reasonably allergic to sleep. I made sure I came home on our wedding anniversary, having arranged for a thoughtful gift and funny card to be delivered in my absence.

Before I went I stocked the fridge - and showed him - with ready meals and things he could take for lunch. 3 days into my trip he rings to tell me he's run out of food. Turns out he didn't realise the soups were 2 portion cartons (he can read). I told him not to be so bloody greedy and to go and buy more food for himself.

Got home late on our anniversary absolutely shattered. There were some flowers in the living room and a card. We'd agreed we'd get a babysitter over the weekend and go out for a meal as a belated celebration. I was shattered and went to bed. He stayed up gaming - I have no idea what time he came to bed.

He got up with the DCs next morning and let me have a lie in which I appreciated. Mid morning I discovered that he'd pretty much done fuck all in the house while we'd been away. Dirty dishes all over the kitchen (we have a dishwasher), laundry basket full of his clothes, towels taken out of the dryer, folded and left on the landing floor?? He didn't put the rubbish out on rubbish day, didn't take the dry clothes off the airer, didn't mow the lawn. (His timesheet shows that he worked only his standard 35 hours and he works from home with no commute.) I wasn't happy at all, but didn't really want a row as was still feeling tired.

At lunchtime he said he'd taken the day off and arranged to go for a drink with some friends in the afternoon. He was out all afternoon until around midnight. He came home steaming drunk and within 10 minutes was trying to pick a fight. Called me all the names under the sun for being messy (we both are), for not caring about our anniversary, not wanting to go out with him, not leaving enough food for him. I asked what he was doing instead of doing his washing etc while I was away and took our wedding photos off the wall. He stormed out. That was about 2am. I went to bed.

Today he's lazed around in bed till 3pm, then on the sofa watching films with the kids. At 6 I reminded him that the lawn needed cutting, so he got up and has done that.

I've had enough. I'm not his mother. He's unsupportive and lazy. I can guarantee he's spent the week playing stupid computer games and thinking that I'll sort everything out when I'm back. I'm not making his dinner tonight (wonder when he'll realise) and I'll be taking his clothes out of the washing basket.

So, WIBU?

OP posts:

SurlyCue · 29/08/2015 20:51

Well would your parents be happy knowing this arrangement is a) tying you to a horrible marriage and b) benefitting him after how he behaves?

Give them the money back, file for divorce, sell the house.

SugarOnTop · 29/08/2015 20:51

well your mortgage company won't know if you transfer it back to your parents....or will they? If this is scuppering your chances of living a dickhead-free life then you need to get rid of it and sort yourself out.

coveredinsnot · 29/08/2015 21:00

You can't stay in an unhappy marriage for financial reasons. It will eat you alive. Discuss this with your parents - I'm sure they wanted the money to help you, not to be a shackle. There has to be a.logical way out (it does sound as though that's the direction you're having to head in unfortunately).

Do you love your husband at all? Do you share much intimacy or humour or any kind of closeness?

Original poster

OhNotThisAgain · 29/08/2015 21:02

In a word, snot, no.

OP posts:

bloodyteenagers · 29/08/2015 21:10

I would be telling the
Parents the arrangements needs to change.
If
They aren't interested beciase it won't benefit them, I would do the
Following -
Use the cash to buy out the man child and tell him to fuck off. The remainder of the cash I would live on/ pay mortgage until I could increase my finances from working. I would also hit him for child support.

Sounds like everyone is using you typh.

coveredinsnot · 29/08/2015 21:16

Definitely need to hatch a decent escape plan then. I'm sorry you're having to do this, it sounds very difficult. Will your parents be supportive?

TheSilveryPussycat · 29/08/2015 22:04

I don't think the parents are using the money for a potential inheritance tax scam. But I agree that if their estates might be around the IHT theshold they need to think carefully about finances in the light of possible IHT.

CocktailQueen · 29/08/2015 22:11

Your parents can't do that - that's a gift with reservations. They either give it to you or they have it back. It's not allowable for IHT purposes.

Handsoffmysweets · 29/08/2015 22:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

Fatmomma99 · 30/08/2015 01:43

The red flag to me in your post was

He came home steaming drunk and within 10 minutes was trying to pick a fight.

It's not a happy relationship, is it?

Mermaidhair · 30/08/2015 04:55

I feel sorry for you bring married to someone like this. Do you know that this isn't acceptable or normal? When I read your post I thought he sounds like an immature teenager and what an unhappy home environment for you and your children. At the moment you are choosing to live like this, only you can choose differently. If my partner ever called me a name, just once that would be it for me. It shows immaturity and disrespect.

antimatter · 30/08/2015 05:25

You and your husband are benefitting from him being able to work full time and support family on 8K ltd company.
He knows very well you are financially tied to him due to your studying and agreeing to be part of this financial arrangement.
It will be expensive for you to untangle yourself from it but you well know it's doable.
It is really up to you when and how you want to proceed.

I know nothing about moving koney between accounts but if that 100K is in your account have you paid tax on it? You are benefiting from it. Is it a technically a loan and you pay no interest on it?

MaddyinaPaddy · 30/08/2015 07:07

You have just had a massive row. You are understandably shattered.now is not a time to be making lifechanging decisions. You have been together 15 years and have children. It sounds as though the marriage us woerh fighting for. I think marriage guidance counselling is the way forward. On another matter- his family clearly don't want to meet up, so wtf are you all chasing the poor buggers across 4 countries? You sound like the stalker family from hell !

petalsandstars · 30/08/2015 07:24

Ffs maddy what part of the H's behaviour shows anything but contempt and what is he doing for the marriage? Gaming and ignoring household tasks? Or are you purposefully inflammatory on all threads?

FishWithABicycle · 30/08/2015 07:44

Yes you should LTB

Mermaidhair · 30/08/2015 07:48

Maddy seriously? You would fight for a man like that?

Dutch1e · 30/08/2015 07:54

You lost me at "stocked the fridge" If a marriage gets to a point where an adult can't buy, prepare, and cook food for themselves let alone their family then things are already off the rails.

UrbaneFox · 30/08/2015 08:01

There will be posters who sneer at those of us who wouldn't tolerate this. They say we say 'ltb' at the drop of a hat. But that assumes that LTB is all about him. I think it's all about you. Why do you do so much for somebody who appreciates it so little? Maybe, if his childishness and his laziness is the only thing that bothers you it MIGHT be worth just stopping doing anything for him and if he doesn't do his share of the housework, get a cleaner...... But personally i wouldn't be happy that you did so much for him and when you pointed out that he couldn't even put dirty dishes in the dishwasher he shouted at you! that shows a man who is more concerned with hanging on to his entitled situation than a man who cares that his partner is doing 90% of the work!

goblinhat · 30/08/2015 08:02

Before I went I stocked the fridge - and showed him - with ready meals and things he could take for lunch

You treat him like a child and he behaves like a child. Can he find his way to the shop?

UrbaneFox · 30/08/2015 08:07

just read the financial complications. I agree with the others, speak to your parents. They'd probably want to take that money back before you suggested it if you told them how it's complicating your decision now. My parents were helpful to me when I left. My x had structure our situation so that I was the sahm and the house was in his name and we weren't married . all of these things he'd pushed for. I still left though. With nothing. But time passes and you recover.

pinkyredrose · 30/08/2015 09:46

Maddy you give some seriously shit advice. OP you need to speak to your parents, this man child is treating you with contempt

grapejuicerocks · 30/08/2015 09:58

If you want to leave him, number one priority is stopping him getting his hands on half your parents money. Then start making exit plans. See a solicitor. Do it calmly and rationally.

I couldn't be in a relationship with a man child. I blew my top with my kids when I came home and the house was a tip. At least their excuse is that they are teenagers and they are hopefully in the process of being trained.

OurBlanche · 30/08/2015 10:03

Actually (she says, alerting you all in that super duper PA way that seems so popular with some posters) Maddie has a couple of really good points:

Making decisions immediately after an argument is usually a bad idea
15 years of marriage needs some thought before it is dismissed - has he always been like this? Is it a new thing? Have you changed recently? Is there anything good remaining? Not sure I would rely on counselling, but I would sit down and 'make a list' based on my own needs/wants and the reality of current circumstances... SHL included
Rethink that family thing for certain. Does he enjoy chasing down his family or is it something you do? You say he doesn't visit your family, maybe you are the driving force behind 'stalking' his family?
Things are never quite so black and white...ltb maybe premature... but a serous re-think probably isn't.

UrbaneFox · 30/08/2015 10:28

But our blanche

the fact that the OP says that up til now she has been determined not to leave, demonstrates (to me) that the possibility of leaving is something she has had to push to the back of her mind for some time now.
Sometimes, I wished I'd acted on the adrenaline that surged through me following an argument (another argument about the same thing)
waiting for the apathy and the anaesthetic that makes it possible to endure this level of disrespect to kick back in is human nature perhaps but it doesn't change anything in the long run
change is scary but not always bad.
a bad marriage is not something to be revered, respected, perpetuated etc..... eg, you've been married 15 years, well, don't make it 16.

UrbaneFox · 30/08/2015 10:29

ps, 100% agree with posters who say that the number one priority for now is to make sure he can't get half your parents money.

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