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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To walk down the aisle on my own? Church wedding

45 replies

CookieDoughKid · 28/08/2015 15:22

My parents have their own issues namely:
They are usually horrifically late to events. Minimum lateness is an hour. So much so, my parents missed my sisters graduation - in its entirey. Secondly, my Mum doesn't like being out of the house in any social situation and she inferred that being at my wedding - 2 hours drive from her home - is a hassle. She only wants to stay an hour and have my brother driver her home. Booking a taxi home is not permissable - she won't get in it. So my brother and his wife would have to miss out on the rest of the celebrations. My brother is my mum's husband. I mean that in a Freudian sense and she will only listen to him and favours him and she has turned into a child like nature.My mother is naturally a pessimistic womanand physically weak. She has no friends as she thinks non-family people are out to rip her off. She's 60. Dad is 70. Dad is wheelchair bound and can't speak. He isn't all there. He is half paralysed and relies on round the clock medication.

I'm having a church wedding do, andnearby a reception at a hotel. Mum is complaining about staying at the Hotel.

I'm exasperated.

OP posts:
howtorebuild · 28/08/2015 15:24

Go for it.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 28/08/2015 15:25

Bloody hell OP, that's a load of grief saddled on your shoulders.

Do you want her at the wedding, it sounds in all likely hood she's going to spoil the day for you.

Janeymoo50 · 28/08/2015 15:25

I'd go ahead with the wedding without both of them to be honest, would that be just too awful to consider? (and I don't mean it horribly honestly).

Canyouforgiveher · 28/08/2015 15:27

I've seen loads of women walk down themselves - looks great. You could also walk up the aisle with your husband to be - 2 of you together.

Honestly in your case I'd tell your mum you won't be offended if she doesn't come at all. If she does come, write off her and your brother as being any support to you and just enjoy the day with your friends and other family.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 28/08/2015 15:27

Who is sorting out your dad transport wise?

HamaTime · 28/08/2015 15:27

I did, and Frauline Maria did in her wedding to Captain von Trapp, if that sways you at all. I quite liked it.

Despondentlyyours · 28/08/2015 15:28

Crack on and make your plans. Tell your Mum where it is and what time.

Walking on your own down the aisle is fine, is your Dsis bridesmaid? If so have her walking close behind.

Don't expect your mum to behave any differently than she does now and then you won't be hurt by her actions. Best wishes for your wedding

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 28/08/2015 15:29

*likelihood

Crosbybeach · 28/08/2015 15:30

You don't have to have your parents there.

Only thing I would say is that it is quite nice to have someone to actually walk down the aisle with, my parents are both dead, so I was going to just walk down on my own, but am really glad I asked my Big Brother to do it. As I was a bit nervous and that was nice to have him there and he was chuffed to be asked.

But if you did fancy someone actually by your side it doesn't have to be family, a close friend, a favoured auntie - anyone really. My sister was given away by an old family friend.

Or, radically, you and your husband could walk in together! That signifies a new start.

HermioneWeasley · 28/08/2015 15:34

You are nobody's to give away - you are an independent woman who has made her own way despite at least one parent being a PITA. Walk yourself proudly down the aisle, or you and DH walk up together.

How does your brother feel about missing most of your wedding so he can taxi your mum around?

PosterEh · 28/08/2015 15:36

I wish I'd done it. My df doesn't actually play that much of a role in my life (his choice) and I'm a bit annoyed at myself that I pretended he did.

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 28/08/2015 15:40

Thanks everyone. You have made me feel better already. I have three bridesmaids so I won't be alone. My poor brother drives my dad and Mum around. They have no external nursing care. My Mum is deeply depressed after dad had a life changing stroke. He can't go to the toilet on his own or cut up his own dinner etc. Maybe I'm expecting too much of my parents.

I will mull it over. I think the key would be not to expect my parents be active participants in the ceremony or the rest of it..

OP posts:
Fatmomma99 · 28/08/2015 16:20

You haven't really said (or if you did, I missed it!) how you and your DP feel about your brother missing so much of the day.

If you and your bro are close, I would suggest to your DM that she doesn't come - if there's anyone filming she can watch that without having to leave her own home, or sure there'll be photos. (sorry if I've got this wrong, but I seem to pick up from your posts that you aren't that bothered for your parents to be there). And I like the person above suggesting your brother could perhaps accompany you up the aisle.

If you're not so bothered about your brother, then he can miss the day if he wants to pander to your mother's demands, which are quite steep. I get that life is tough for your parents, but this is your wedding day! Congrats and hope you enjoy it.

steff13 · 28/08/2015 16:27

I think it's fine to walk yourself down the aisle. If you'd like someone to walk you, though, could you ask your brother or maybe an uncle to do it? Your brother might rather do that than chauffeur your parents on the day, and they could stay home.

Lindy2 · 28/08/2015 16:27

I had a civil ceremony and chose not to be given away so walked down the aisle myself. My 3 bridesmaids entered first walking in single file and I walked in just behind them. No one batted an eyelid. It worked well.
I did it that way as I don't really like the being given away concept and my dad was also very disabled in a wheelchair too so unable to do it anyway.
It's your day so you choose what works best for you.

ImperialBlether · 28/08/2015 16:29

Why did you tell her about the wedding?! You could have had a lovely time without her knowing about it.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/08/2015 16:34

I walked down the aisle by myself and my dad was lovely. But he was suffering from a neurological condition that caused him to lose his balance and have his legs go out from under him without warning. He was so fearful of this happening that it was just easier to walk by myself.

Look at it this way; let your solo walk symbolize that you are walking from your 'old life' towards your 'new life' with your husband as the two of you begin your life together. That it's your last walk 'alone' as it were.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/08/2015 16:35

"my Mum doesn't like being out of the house in any social situation and she inferred that being at my wedding - 2 hours drive from her home - is a hassle."
I actually think it might be kinder to your mum to suggest it's OK, she and your dad don't need to come. Not in a you're-a-PITA way, but in a I-don't want-to-make-you-anxious way.

I might also point out to her that she is being very unfair to your brother, insisting he drive her home (2 hours away) after only an hour. She gets to make her own choices, she doesn't get to impose them on other people.

hackmum · 28/08/2015 16:40

Blimey. That is an awful lot going on in your family.

I love that HamaTime mentioned Fraulein Maria in The Sound of Music as an example. No finer role model, OP. Go for it.

NameChange30 · 28/08/2015 16:42

I don't see why you need any woman needs anyone to "walk her" down the aisle, unless physically disabled we are all perfectly bloody capable of walking ourselves. If you want to do that, go for it - I bet it will be empowering and awesome.

But if you don't want to walk by yourself, you could walk with the groom. DH and I did that and it was lovely Grin

TenForward82 · 28/08/2015 16:44

I had my step-nephew walk me down the aisle (after my 4 yo goddaughter's mother was an hour and a half late to our wedding and basically stood me up). So you do you - it's YOUR wedding.

sonjadog · 28/08/2015 16:50

Round here it is the customer for the groom to meet the bride at the church door and they walk down the aisle together. I like it. To me it is a better symbol of the union of two people than the bride's parent "giving her away" like she is some sort of possession. Maybe you could do that, OP?

AlisonWunderland · 28/08/2015 16:51

I second the idea of your bridemaids walking in first and you walking in behind them.

Get your brother to video ceremony and show it to your parents afterwards.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 28/08/2015 16:53

I had my time again I'd walk in alone. I love my dad, but I hated being 'given away' and only did it to please him.

I think walking in together is lovely, but looks odd with bridesmaids. Sort of becomes a gaggle of people.

NameChange30 · 28/08/2015 17:06

We had two other people in the bridal party and they walked in separately before we did. Another option could be to have them walk in together (if an even number) before the bride and groom.