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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave dd3 at home while we go to the theatre?

42 replies

Dancergirl · 28/08/2015 08:52

I need some honest opinions, I'm feeling a bit guilty.

I got tickets in kids week to see the musical Bend it like Beckham with dh and our 2 older daughters aged 12.5 and 14. The girls are really looking forward to not only the show but an evening out with us without dd3 (8) who can be quite naughty at times.

I have booked a babysitter for dd3 and promised her she can watch a film on tv of her choice. However she's kicking up a fuss and I'm feeling guilty now. I didn't manage to get her 1st or 2nd choice of babysitter so she's now complaining about not only the babysitter, but about being too little for stuff, it's not fair etc.

For context, we do a LOT together as a whole family, and also as various combinations of 2 or 3 of us.

I took dd3 to see another kids week show this week, just me and her. Unfortunately she didn't enjoy the show too much, but we still had a nice day out.

I'm wondering whether we should have done 2 of this to see the show this time, and the other 2 another time so dd3 wouldn't feel excluded.

OP posts:

Yellowpansies · 28/08/2015 08:55

I think you should stop letting DD3 guilt tripping you into never doing anything without her. Sounds like she's had plenty instead that's just for her and needs to accept that sometimes people do things without her. Enjoy your theatre trip

MrsLeighHalfpenny · 28/08/2015 08:56

I think that you need to explain that no-one ever promised life would be fair. Different things suit different people at different times of their lives and 8 is too young to go and see Bend it like Beckham (IMO it isn't, but that's beside the point!).

She's had her day out with you, to even things up. It's a shame she didn't enjoy it, but there's no guarantee you (or she) will all enjoy BILB.

We've made a point with our girls that we treat them equally, but differently. They seem to understand.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 28/08/2015 08:57

You've already got the tickets and dd3 has had her day out, don't change things now.

Does she generally feel left out of things. Is this why she kicks off do you think?

AuntieStella · 28/08/2015 08:57

I would only leave alone for a time that's counted in hours once at secondary school.

And I wouldn't give in to what sounds rather like a tantrum.

StealthPolarBear · 28/08/2015 09:00

Sorry what has leaving her alone got to do with anything? I may be completely misunderstanding

Original poster

Dancergirl · 28/08/2015 09:02

I think she does still she sees her sisters doing stuff, having interesting hobbies, dance classes etc. But she does plenty of age appropriate activities herself, brownies, local dance classes, lots of play dates etc. But she seems to want to do everything they do! It's very wearing.

OP posts:

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 28/08/2015 09:02

She's not leaving her alone. She's hired a sitter.

Savagebeauty · 28/08/2015 09:05

That's life.
She has had a lovely day out with you..now its her sisters turn
Ignore her tantrum as pp said

Original poster

Dancergirl · 28/08/2015 09:05

Ermm, no I'm not leaving an 8 year old home alone

OP posts:

AuntieStella · 28/08/2015 09:09

Sorry - I think I wrongly over-interpreted the title and somehow mixed it all up with the babysitter problems.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 28/08/2015 09:10

OP - I had two older sisters and a younger sister, so I've been both part of the "get to do the older girls things" group as well as the "too young to do what your older sisters are doing" group. It sucks to be the younger one, but unfortunately that's life. As long as she is also getting activities that are age appropriate and fun for her, she's not hard done by. She's just going through the frustration of wanting to do what her sisters are doing. I'd try to have a fair mix of things they can all do together and then more age appropriate things, so it's not always divided up.

You mentioned her behaviour, so I can only think that this particular outing she was excluded more because of her recent behaviour than her age. Perhaps a calm discussion with her regarding this?

LIZS · 28/08/2015 09:11

She's had her turn . Stick to your plans.

BishopBrennansArse · 28/08/2015 09:19

I think she's old enough to be told the reason is a consequence of her own actions.

Mrsjayy · 28/08/2015 09:20

Oh she has found your buttons she wants it all look just tell her she is being a bit silly about this she went out to her show and now its her sisters turn and just go out.

Original poster

Dancergirl · 28/08/2015 09:25

No it wasn't about her behaviour, we just thought the show was too old for her. She's quite choosy about shows and I didn't want to risk her whinging through it because she was bored.

Thank you alice, I had a fairly dysfunctional childhood myself without siblings close in age so I sometimes struggle to know what's 'normal' or fair. I try very hard to balance everyone's needs as best I can.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 28/08/2015 09:26

I agree, as a Mum of three DDs that you are giving her way too much power.

As for the "I don't get to do grown up things", well neither did the elder children, they did have to put up with the birth of a baby etc, though. She has the benefit of you being relaxed and confident about parenting. She may also have the benefit of them leaving and/or you having more disposable income as she hits 18/21.

It's swings and roundabouts and my youngest is turning 18, it all levels out.

It's important to do what suits your DDs personalities/age and have together time, individually. I've seen you get children dictate what happens and it's awful for the elder ones.

Micah · 28/08/2015 09:28

I'm going to differ slightly.

She's 8, old enough to go too. She probably knows that, and sees you're using it as an excuse to leave her out, and feels (rightly?). That you just don't want her there spoiling your fun.

Yes you took her out, but on her own. Adding to the feeling she's separate to the rest of the family.

I think you should either just all have gone to the same show, or just one parent with the older two, rather than a family night without her.

Do you leave her out like this often?

Savagebeauty · 28/08/2015 09:31

There's a big difference between an 8 year old and 14 year old at the Theatre. Op has said her dd is "choosy" about shows and gas whinged through them before. Not fair on older siblings imo.

fuzzywuzzy · 28/08/2015 09:33

It's happening, don't get into a discussion over it.

You have been completely fair, you cannot control whether the show will be enjoyable for any of the girls, it was unfortunate she did not enjoy her turn. However it is now the older girls' turn.

I tend to tune out when either of mine start the 'its not fair....' thing, I treat them both equitably and sometimes that means different treats for each.

Original poster

Dancergirl · 28/08/2015 09:44

micah yes I sometimes think that she feels she's left out. She isn't excluded very often, maybe twice a year of that. We do try and mix things up a bit, for example last year I took her and dd2 to a show they both wanted to see while dd1 was doing something else. This week, dd2 has a drama camp so dd1 and dd3 have been together (and got on quite well despite the age gap ). But being honest dd3's behaviour is more challenging than the other two at the same age. Although dh and I have noticed she's MUCH better behaved without both sisters around. Dd1 and dd2 are very close so I feel a bit sorry for her, it's hard.

OP posts:

Gingermakesmesick · 28/08/2015 09:45

Honestly, I think it is unfair.

I wouldn't like to be excluded from something the rest of the family were going to.

Savagebeauty · 28/08/2015 09:47

I totally disagree ginger.
You do different things according to age group.
It's not like dd3:doesn't get to go to things.

BathshebaDarkstone · 28/08/2015 09:49

Oh get jealousy from both my younger DC when they're left out of something or think they're being treated differently. She is too young for some things, but she won't always be.

BathshebaDarkstone · 28/08/2015 09:54

Oh I get jealousy

haircuthelp · 28/08/2015 10:03

My parents did this to me- but we warned! The resentment festered and I ended up studying drama, spurred on initially by an (I AM NOT TOO YOUNG FOR THE THEATRE I'LL SHOW YOU!) attitude.

In all seriousness, tell her she went to the theatre recently, now its her older sisters turn. Deal with it.

But perhaps be mindful of not doing things that make her feel left out for awhile. -Remembering she will only build better relationships with her sisters by spending time with them.

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