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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave dd3 at home while we go to the theatre?

42 replies

Dancergirl · 28/08/2015 08:52

I need some honest opinions, I'm feeling a bit guilty.

I got tickets in kids week to see the musical Bend it like Beckham with dh and our 2 older daughters aged 12.5 and 14. The girls are really looking forward to not only the show but an evening out with us without dd3 (8) who can be quite naughty at times.

I have booked a babysitter for dd3 and promised her she can watch a film on tv of her choice. However she's kicking up a fuss and I'm feeling guilty now. I didn't manage to get her 1st or 2nd choice of babysitter so she's now complaining about not only the babysitter, but about being too little for stuff, it's not fair etc.

For context, we do a LOT together as a whole family, and also as various combinations of 2 or 3 of us.

I took dd3 to see another kids week show this week, just me and her. Unfortunately she didn't enjoy the show too much, but we still had a nice day out.

I'm wondering whether we should have done 2 of this to see the show this time, and the other 2 another time so dd3 wouldn't feel excluded.

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 28/08/2015 10:10

Tbf dancegirl did say they do a lot together so she does do things with her sisters

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 28/08/2015 10:13

I think it's a bit mean tbh. Not so much that her sisters are going and she can't, but that both you and dh are going. I'd have had either you or dh take the older girls, and the other stay with the younger one. Then she could have had a nice evening with mum or dad and it wouldn't have felt so much as if she was being excluded from the family.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 28/08/2015 10:15

Weather other posters think 8 is old enough to watch bend it like beckham is irrelevant, you don't know the girl OP does, she made the decision not to take her because she'd get bored and not enjoy the show. She's already not enjoyed one show this week! And protentially spoil it for the other two children. It's not an excuse it's a reason. Every 8 year olds different!

As for the situation now, you actually can't change it, you've trued to make Her feel spoilt and having free choice of TV ect.
It probably is jealously especially with the age gap it's hard cos she sees the grown up sisters and she wants the same.
Does she get things they don't, like more sweets? More play dates? Get to go to brownie camp when their stuck at home with you? One to one time with you when their out at their friends. Kind of try and turn it round make it look like she's the special one and her big sisters miss out. Not that they do, it sounds like you really do try and include three very different ages.
Like wise with them when it's not fair she gets extra time with you etc point out that they get an extra hour or two with you in the evenings when she's gone to bed or extra pocket money.

Because it does all bakence out it won't be them getting the sane things, they won't even want the same things but if they just need help seeing things in the positive rather than the i don't get to do that it's not fair!

Mrsjayy · 28/08/2015 10:16

She isnt exactly been left out really she went out to her show and bend it like Beckham if its like the film with songs would probably go over the head of an 8 year old and she would whinge she is bored meh sometimes they cant do everything. I took dd1 to 12 films she wanted to see her sister would moan it was unfair as a pp said it all balances out

MyNewBearTotoro · 28/08/2015 10:17

I'm going to go against the grain and say it is unfair to do things as a family of four when you're actually a family of five.

Completely fine for different children to have different age-appropriate treats but leaving one child home with a babysitter whilst the rest of the family does something fun is different, in my mind, to one patent taking one child for a treat without anyone else.

If you or your DH were staying home with your youngest DD and the other taking the older girls I'd say that was completely fine but I think for both parents to be going with two DC and not the other just smacks of one child being left out of a family night out. Especially when she is not THAT much younger - if she was a baby or toddler it would be different but at 8 I think she is close enough in age to her sisters to be included in family trips.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 28/08/2015 10:24

Sorry OP. You said in the OP that they were looking forward to the night out as "she can be quite naughty at times" so it sounded like her behaviour was a part of the decision.

WyrdByrd · 28/08/2015 10:27

Absolutely NU.

When she is 12-14, her sister's will be off leading fairly independent social lives and they'll be loads more opportunities for her to do 'grown up stuff' with you. A few years on from that they'll be (hopefully) doing it together.

She's had her own special day out with you 1-2-1, now it's her sisters turn and she needs to understand that although the babysitter situation is a bit of pain.

Original poster

Dancergirl · 28/08/2015 10:35

In some ways, she is far better off than her sisters in terms of attention and treats. Older two are at secondary school so come and go themselves. Dd3 has the luxury of having me to herself for the 20 min school run there and back every day. Older dds never had that. And as the older two become more independent, dd has lots of outings and treats with me, again lots of 1-to-1 time. Or sometimes both me and dh take just her to the cinema. As I said, I do try and mix it up a bit.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dancergirl · 28/08/2015 10:36

remus I think in hindsight maybe that's what we should have done but too late now.

OP posts:

BoffinMum · 28/08/2015 10:36

She needs to put up and shut up. As everyone is saying, she has had her outing and now it is someone else's turn. She is 8, you are the adults, you are in charge.

However it sounds like she is really cross about being the odd one out generally, so this might need some attention as an issue in the near future, to head off future trouble.

balletgirlmum · 28/08/2015 10:46

YANBU

We did this with ds when he was younger. Dh dc & I went to see wicked during Kidsweek & it even involved an overnight stay. Ds was too young & we knew he would winge & spoil it for everyone. In subsequent years when he was older we deliberately chose a show that would appeal to him.

Similarly we booked tickets for his favourite premiership team as a day out for him & left ds behind.

They'd bOTH like to see BILB but we coukdnt marvin during August so going to try during half term. (Ds is 11 now ) The reviews are really good

howabout · 28/08/2015 10:59

I have DD 14 and 12.5 and DD who is now 4. My Mum is the baby of her family and completely understands when DD3 feels left out. She also thinks the teenagers also need time with their parents without her sometimes and babysits to encourage it. My older DD are becoming ever more independent and it does feel like our opportunities to enjoy them as teenagers without impinging on their growing independence are very limited. Younger DD's turn will come and my other 2 spend a lot of time and effort accommodating their wee sister all the time. Also my youngest DD gets more time alone with me and her Dad than the other 2 ever did and also ends up getting taken to things at a far younger age than the other 2. I imagine your DD is similar.

YANBU

Witchend · 28/08/2015 11:39

She gets to do something on her own with you which is much more valuable.

We often do kids week shows in two groups as what they like is different, the middle one is scared easily and other thing mean it is easy to get something 2 love, but not all 3.

fuzzywuzzy · 28/08/2015 13:16

not for this one, but could you do all family things together as well as separately?

OhBigHairyBollocks · 28/08/2015 16:33

Well I don't think YABU in the fact that she gets separate treats as well, but does she get these separate treats with both you and DH? I mean, from her point of view it looks like you guys are going out as a "family" and she isn't part of that because she is too young.

If I got the wrong impression then I apologise!!!

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/08/2015 17:27

"Or sometimes both me and dh take just her to the cinema."
Looks like she does, OhBigHairyBollocks.

OP, I may be wrong here, please feel free to point this out to me if I am, but - she's 8. And she seems to expect to be the boss of you. Is it a case of the baby of the family being indulged to the point that they feel it is their right to dictate?

Original poster

Dancergirl · 28/08/2015 17:41

I don't think she's particularly indulged where but it's true to say she probably does feel left out at times. As I said we do plenty together as a family of 5, lots with her and me together, sometimes her with both me and dh and sometimes various other combinations. I think it would have been much less painful for her if either me or dh had stayed home with her. But it's too late to change now, I doubt theatre tickets can be changed.....so we'll do it differently next time.

OP posts:

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