To wonder how on earth to bounce back after life's knocks

[onlyoranges]

I have always viewed myself as a fairly resilient person but this time I am really struggling. Over the last 3 years I have been diagnosed with a life threatening illness which appears to be winning 'the battle' to see me off and I lost my lovely younger sister. I have no other family as in Aunt, cousins etc. I do have a dh and dcs. I used to have a great career but that appears to be finished. I really don't want this to be woe is me but I just can't seem to pick myself up. I don't want this to be my life. I really miss the old go getting me, the harder the challenge the more I liked it kind of person but I just can't seem to get to her anymore. I would really value your suggestions about how I can work towards if not the old me someone who is happier and wants to carry on with life. I know some of you have been through very tough times and would really value your suggestions.

You don't have to get 'back' to the old go getting you as you need to find a way to be the new you.

Someone who clearly needs to take care of herself as she's ill, someone who can take things slower, take up small hobbies and small projects you can physically do. Mindfulness is very good to centre yourself in the physical present.

If there's a possibility of lingering depression or sadness then getting treatment may help.

Are there a lot of things you can't do? What can you spend your energy on is one of my favourite ways to look at it.

Thanks Jeff I am getting support as my sister and I were very close and she died very suddenly. Maybe I am looking at this in totally the wrong way?

God, you poor thing. What a terrible few years you've had.

I don't know how anyone in that position wouldn't be depressed. Do you have a good doctor you can speak to? Do you feel you're having to be brave for your family and don't have someone who can support you? This would knock the happiness and vivacity out of just about anyone, so don't think it's an unusual reaction to what's happened.

Are you too unwell to work, is that why work seems to have vanished? Do you technically still have a job?

Would you consider bereavement counselling? Your loss sounds really devastating. A counsellor from Cruse would even visit you at home if you were too unwell to go out (depending on area). They won't do it until I think 6 months from the loss.

I'm so sorry you've lost your sister.

Jeff is right. You need to find out how to be "you". Looking to be the person you were before all this happened is destructive, you'll never be that person again, life has changed you.

Good luck, I feel for you, I really do.

Be kind to the new you, don't look back at the old you but instead look forward to a new reinvented you.

So sorry you have lost your sister and it sounds like with an illness you are being quite hard on yourself....

I just want to try and start rebuilding I guess but I can't seem to. Yes I am not well enough to work some days walking is tricky and get a lot of pain. Unfortunately I was in the process of changing jobs when all this happened so no job but I would have had to leave anyway. My treatment is over now, so we wait but I want to feel like I am living even though deep down I do think I am going to die (do not mean to sound all dramatic there)!! All my positivity seems to have disappeared which I am sure is not helping. I don't have anyone to talk to you are right. Had counselling but it didn't do much really.

Are you waiting for the results after treatment?

It's incredibly hard to live in the moment when you're expecting to die. You're not being remotely melodramatic. Honestly what you're going through is literally the hardest thing ever.

Is there anything, however small that gives you some enjoyment you can capitalise on?

only

Are there any support groups/forums for people with your condition? Sometimes great support fan be found from people in the same position as you. After losing my eldest dd, I think that my greatest support came from others who had lost babies.

Likewise, one of my other Dcs is about to be disavowed with autism. I do hope I can find someone in a similar place to me that may be a good sounding board.

How long did you have counselling for? It can take quite a while to start really helping. It took maybe 3-4 months before I felt a difference.

Hard to know what to suggest as you really have been through and are dealing with such a lot. I have never experienced anything so hard, thankfully, but I try to keep positive about things by firstly allowing myself time to be sad and grieve (I believe feelings have to be let out to be able to process them. If you pretend they aren't there, that just makes them worse). But I also give myself a limit for feeling sad and when time is up, I make a decided effort to focus on something happier. I try to focus on small things that make me happy and on what is good here and now. I try not to let the bigger picture overshadow everything. Could you try focusing on each day and what is good in it there and then? Make an effort not to compare with the day before or think about the day after? Easier said than done, I know.

Only - so sorry for your loss, bereavement combined with serious illness is an awful lot to deal with, yy pp think about bereavement counselling & support, also think that when you have such traumatic changes in your life you do go through a greaving process, your dealing with so many emotions which is exhausting & hard to accept, as you essentially want your life back.
No matter how much you want that, unfortunately life will be different, is their any possibility you may, be able to do some volunteering? as you say work has vanished, you are not being 'woe is me' you have every reason to feel as you do, I have no real advice except you can get through this, give yourself time, allow yourself to have a bad day & accept any support that is available.
Sending you my best wishes.

It is completely understandable that you feel awful. I am very sorry to hear about your sister and your medical problems.

You could not reasonably expect to be the same person after the experiences you are going through. I have stage 4 cancer myself and I am definitely not the woman I used to be. Bereavement on top of that is very hard to bear.

You are mourning your career, and your sister, and all the hopes, dreams and plans that you and your family had made. Who wouldn't feel shitty about all that?

All I can say is that it helped me to pull my horizons in very close. My success is now measured in small victories - a nice coffee, a call from a friend, reading a story to my dcs etc. Lots of hugs too.

I can spare one -> {{{onlyoranges}}}

Spell check - diagnosed with autism it should read!

Oh thanks so much everyone. You are so lovely. I have isolated myself really, pretended to my friends things are ok, cancelled plans for them to come see me and withdrawn and withdrawn which isn't me. I love being with people. You are all right I am really struggling to accept this new me. It seems like all the things I loved doing have gone and I am left with a teeny tiny meaningless life.

Thanks for that hug sleepy. I needed that!

Well onlyoranges life is a shit sometimes isn't it? I know you don't want to say woe is me but you are entitled to. I know exactly what you mean about 'the old go-getting me'.
I don't want to derail or get any sympathy since I've already had plenty from lovely mumsnetters My last 21 years have been punctuated by a few catastrophic events and each leaves its mark. I lost a brother and you lost a sister and this is is hard to get over. Talking helps and if you find a good friend or counsellor that's great. A warning though- some people have sympathy fatigue.
The big one is your illness and what I'm reading is your strength and courage. Maybe find people in a similar position to talk to. Having said that the last thing I wanted was to discuss my breast cancer with others
You need a project-something that excites you. My father has just died and he has left a farm and 200 sheep to me. It's a bit daunting but exciting as well.
Love to you

I would be really upset if a good friend of mine had withdrawn from me just when she needed help. Could you possibly reach out to one of them, at least, and ask her to come to see you?

How are your children and your husband coping? It must be an incredibly difficult time for all of you.

it sound spoke you've been having a pants time.

I've gone through some rubbish stuff in life, sexually abused as a child, raped as an adult, domestic violence, disabling accident, stalked (and house burnt down by stalker whilst I was in it) multiple late miscarriages and stillbirth (one living DS) and now to top is all, cancer which isn't responding to surgery or treatment.

I still feel that I am very fortunate and have a great life. We own and manage a ranch in very remote South America. That was something I've always wanted, I have three huge and extremely unfriendly dogs (hence my username) to keep us safe so that I don't have to worry about going through being raped again

I'm rambling, sorry, its not helpful. What helps me is to look at the crap stuff and try to insulate my life against it happening again. So, against being raped and stalked I have my dogs (who can kill mountain lions in under twenty seconds yet play dress up with our toddler). Somethings you can't protect yourself against, and I've found that I just have to give myself then time and headspace to deal with them.
It helps me to think not of the old or new me, but instead that I'm always me, I'm just on a journey which is taking a few detours. It helps me to feel less frustrated about how things are happening. I also think that I have had so many good things in my life that there will be the bad too.
Our local priest says that God never gives anything we can't cope with, and that we should have the courage and belief in ourselves to keep on fighting when things get bad, I'm not religious but I thought the sentiment was worth remembering. A bit like the old analogy of Prince Charming having to fight through the thorns to get his happily ever after. Every time I feel like I can't cope, I forcefully think to myself that I can cope and I will cope, that seems to help too.

Hope that makes sense, I've got a migraine today so feel a bit fuzzy! x

Reach out to good friends OP

I think, as pp said, you don't just pick up and move on. Things like this change you and you learn to live as the new you.

I was in exactly the same place op. Especially whenbit comes to withdrawing. In the end I bit the bullet and called a fiend and was honest about it. It's actually really helped.

Wow a farm - how great! So sorry about how it ended up with you. Imperial I would prob feel the same if a friend withdrew. It's just so painful to talk about but I must must I. I feel incredibly guilty about the impact on my family although it has shown me different sides to them. My youngest has turned into quite the little nurse but I hate them
to see me like this and pretend I am fine which in all honesty some days is agony physically. I wonder if deep down I am on some level refusing to admit what has happened and if I try and pretend everything is ok and don't talk about it on some level that becomes my truth. Or am I waffling nonsense?? By the way this is really helping. Thank you.

Sure you're probably pretending you're fine because the old battling going forward you is still in there

Plus the not wanting to accept it/not wanting to be a burden thing

You might have withdrawn from your friends also because you can't bear to ask for help. I'm totally the same, really hate it. I have let my pride get in the way of getting help many times. So much so my best friend (who does the same) made a pact with me that we wouldn't do that, that we genuinely would ask for help if we had to.

I urge you to try and connect with your friends. We're all strangers here and we want to hold your hand, offer you flowers - just think what a real person might want to do with you.

If you were my friend I'd want to sit with you while you yelled and screamed and railed at the world, make you tea, watch the West Wing with you, bring crafty shit for you to make with me.

Please, I beg you, give your friends a chance to be there for you. Some of them are going to want to.

My dh and dss have been rocks. Your family love you and want to help-let them. How are you waffling nonsense? You've been dealt some nasty blows. Some people would have gone under but you haven't and you're still thinking of other people. My late df lost his only son but he refused to let it define him.

Themother a ranch in South America, that sounds amazing! I would love to do something like that! You sound like a pretty amazing person too.

Jeff your friend is very lucky to have you in her life.

Apart from Working on my battered friendships does anyone have any suggestions about how to reignite my desire to live? (There I go being all dramatic again)!

What are your interests, onlyoranges?

I think one of my main problems is being lonley. My sister was my best friend too really so anything really that gets me meeting people?