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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder how on earth to bounce back after life's knocks

33 replies

onlyoranges · 27/08/2015 15:19

I have always viewed myself as a fairly resilient person but this time I am really struggling. Over the last 3 years I have been diagnosed with a life threatening illness which appears to be winning 'the battle' to see me off and I lost my lovely younger sister. I have no other family as in Aunt, cousins etc. I do have a dh and dcs. I used to have a great career but that appears to be finished. I really don't want this to be woe is me but I just can't seem to pick myself up. I don't want this to be my life. I really miss the old go getting me, the harder the challenge the more I liked it kind of person but I just can't seem to get to her anymore. I would really value your suggestions about how I can work towards if not the old me someone who is happier and wants to carry on with life. I know some of you have been through very tough times and would really value your suggestions.

OP posts:
JeffsanArsehole · 27/08/2015 17:15

If you're actively suicidal then you need to seek help. Let's just say that first.

To learn to desire to live? Tiny increments, good pain management. Reclaiming parts of the day at a time.

You need a combination of things to turn to (apart from people). When I was ill I used to watch comedy shows, long films, mini series - anything to manage the time I actually had to connect with the pain.

It's not necessary to have to stay in the moment all the time - you can still mindfully avoid the present feeling and choose to visit somewhere else for a short while (like a film for example)

The problem comes from expecting too much. All that being hard on yourself, I want to accomplish lots is very tiring when you can just make a cup of tea, put a load of washing in and that's you done for 90 minutes.

Really small hobbies that you can do for ten minutes. If you're well enough to go out a trip to the garden centre/library can feel like a massive accomplishment.

I'm not sure if you're up to joining things but it's out there when you're ready.

If you feel totally uninspired and totally disinterested in life I'm sure you know that's a large part of depression. So if you were depressed then you may need medication (if therapy didn't work for you)

So the day is in 3 sections, tackle each part individually. Most people are best in the morning once they get moving and get their pain manager so do the thing you want to do then.

Then the afternoon is for something else (decent lunch/films/cinema?/with friends). Evening you will be with your family.

I don't want to sound like an idiot by suggesting Pinterest, but there's literally thousands of tiny projects on there to distract you.

None of its going to make you want to live if you're depressed or suicudal though.

JeffsanArsehole · 27/08/2015 17:17

Oh god it took me so long to write that I cross posted with you Blush

Yes, go out. Whereabouts in the country are you, there will be people who can suggest groups and local things. There's the women's institute, local history, church groups.

What are your interests?

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 27/08/2015 17:25

Wow op, you are totally inspirational ! You still have something inside you pushing you to carry on and be you again, despite circumstances that would floor me...That's pretty awesome.. The fact that you are ASKING for ideas to get some happiness back means to me that you will get it. Your sister would be so proud x I wish you all the happiness and health you deserve :) amazing !

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 27/08/2015 17:30

I hope this doesn't sound off, but perhaps someone like you would get something out of fundraising for a cancer charity? You'd feel you are making a difference, and meet people who have lost their best friends too.. You don't sound like you are ready to give up at all

ImperialBlether · 27/08/2015 17:32

Are your parents still around? If so, are they a support?

Blackswanlake · 27/08/2015 17:54

only no wonder you feel as you do. Enough to send anyone reeling with shock and sorrow . You write so articulately of the losses you have endured . No self pity there at all. Just the truth of a horrible soul sapping three years .

I agree with all the advice given . It is so hard to look back on the old you and life you lived. How can you not mourn that ? Your sister dying ......oh sweetheart .

My own life involves both myself and DH having life limiting illness now and disability . I do so understand the lethargy and complete withdrawal .
My DH says patiently again and again .........well Swan. That was then and this is now . Simple words that help to make that new path you will walk ?The ground shakes under our feet and knocks us into the undergrowth only....BUT another path is there .

Be very easy on yourself OP. Mindfulness does help .thinking of you .

derxa · 27/08/2015 18:01

Flowers Blackswan I have no words.

onlyoranges · 27/08/2015 19:35

Thanks Jeff, yes I am getting help with those feelings. When you ask what are my interests you know oddly I am not sure. I spent so long building my career and having a family that I don't actually know!!

Playnicely your post made me cry. Thank you.

No, Imperial, no family it was just her and me.

Blackswan what an inspirational post.

When I posted this I didn't want it to come across like I was feeling sorry for myself, some people have much more to deal with than I do. I just suppose that I am lost really and don't know how to start re-building my life. Its funny isn't it we don't know how good our lives are until they start to unravel.

OP posts:
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