to be worried about my wife blowing all her savings in the space of 6 months??

[jfh]

I looked at my wife's bank statement today because I needed to pay her some money and didn't have her bank details to hand. FWIW the bank statement was not locked up in some drawer which I had to break into, it was sitting on top of a desk pretty much in full view. What I saw shocked me (no, it wasn't a direct debit for Ashley Madison...). She has chewed through a fairly substantial chunk of her savings in the last 3 months, and if she keeps spending at the same rate she will have spent it all by Xmas...tens of thousands of pounds all told. Having a closer look at the statement, whilst some of the money has gone on stuff for the kids, the overwhelming majority seems to have been blown on shoes and handbags - often several hundred pounds being spent in one go.

Clearly, there may be issue here re privacy, so I might be on dodgy ground. FWIW I give full disclosure to my wife on my financial affairs, not least because I pay for a lot of the essentials and am constantly moaning about how we seem to spend all my income each month on these.

And yes, I am jealous that she apparently gets to spend seemingly infinite amounts of cash on herself when I've got bugger all. But I'm not worried about that bit here.

What worries me is that she seems to be living a life of huge consumption, and that its all going to come crashing down around her ears in but a few weeks time. I mean, I thought the whole point of savings was that you looked after them to use when you had to on big stuff, once in a blue moon - cars and the like.

And then, I suppose there's the thing about what's right for us as a family. We've got loads of big ticket stuff going on now and in the future that means we will have to dip into savings - mostly mine, TBH. At this rate if we ever needed to call on her savings, all she'll be able to offer is a weak smile and an apology.

What do I do? Do I just keep quiet and watch as it all goes tits up, or do I broach the subject now - but get a kicking for being a snooper?

Talk to her but don't be accusatory. I think it's fair enough that you have a discussion about it - you're married. And it doesn't sound as if you were snooping, you had a legitimate reason to look and noticed it.

I wouldn't be happy if my Dh was spending £££ on frivolous items when we had household needs.

Did you not notice all they new things?

What happened around the time the spending spree started and where did they money come from?

Oh dear :(

Yes I'd be really worried. I've never spent anywhere near that much (partly because we don't have that amount, partly because I have very cheap taste!) but FWIW the time my spending did get out of control - for our budget I mean - was when I was depressed and lonely with a young DD (and then baby DS) - I'd just go into town because I was isolated and ended up buying stuff to make me feel better.

Has she just suddenly started spending this kind of money? Is there any reason why she might?

Shopping addiction? Bipolar disorder? I'd go nuts if DH blew all his savings.

I would be very

I think you have an ideal opportunity to confront her about this as the statement was left out and your reasons for looking at it were legitimate.

Make sure you have all your facts to hand. ie your salary, your outgoings, details of recent big purchases, upcoming costs, your mortgage etc etc. it might help if you put her 'wasting' into perspective.

Good luck.

But have you not noticed new things coming into the house, especially expensive bags etc?

Is she burning through her savings because she knows you have big ticket stuff coming up and she doesn't want to spend her money on those? Is there an imbalance between your individual incomes? What is your agreement about money? You say "her savings" and "your savings". If you keep your money separate then I think you don't really have a leg to stand on.

Hmm.

If you have separate money, which is unusual in a marriage with children, then why do you get to say what she spends hers on?

If it's actually family money then it needs to be managed that way (eg family bills current account, family contingency savings, personal fun money current accounts).

In a novel she'd have a terminal illness. But in real life people don't spend like that all of a sudden unless something is wrong - unhappy or unwell.

It's worrying indeed. I assume she's hiding these items from you and lying about them? If so, she could certainly have a shopping addiction, in which case she needs professional help.

I know that in the USA they have Alcoholics Anonymous style meetings for shopping addicts, but not sure what help is available over here. You may need to confront her, and try not to be swayed by excuses. If you can afford it, then you should be able to find a local therapist who works with addicts. Or your GP might have some info.

If they are her savings with no joint plan to spend them on something particular for the house or family, then surely she can spend it on whatever she wants?

Sounds like you don't have joined up finances which is maybe the underlying problem. A lot of couples pool their joint resources then split the remainder once the bills etc have been paid.

So where's all the STUFF? The cupboards must be jam packed with it all no?

That's pretty accurate details on a bank statement to specify what she's actually buying.....

A handbag can easily cost £1k nowadays it's easy to spend a few thousand on bags and shoes. Not that I have this lifestyle myself exactly .

I agree with Mrs H - people don't suddenly start spending at that level unless there is something drastically amiss, which is perhaps the angle you need to approach this from.

Surely some joint savings and some separate would be a more sensible way forward?

Yes but if someone had a new handbag that was really expensive, surely the OP would notice it? His wife would be paying it a lot more attention than a cheap bag, for one thing.

Thanks all for your comments. In response:

I don't know how long this has been going on, nor indeed what the total spend has been (the statement doesn't go back that far!). She/we have a lot going on and there is a lot of stress. I think we may some kind of addiction going here, and like lots of addictions each hit doesn't last long and is often expensive. Don't know will happen when the cash runs out.

She has repeatedly refused to join up our finances. Says she spends loads on the kids so I just have to back off.

Yes, our wardrobes and cupboards are heaving, its beyond a joke.

I don't mind where she spends her money, providing she can sustain it. If the statement had said X in and X out, I wouldn't have bothered to look any further. I don't think she'd have a problem if a spanking new Beemer appeared on the driveway with my name on it - but she would if I then told her there was no money for holidays, that new bathroom etc

If this was my savings, I would be annoyed you had any say in what I spent.
However, we pool the money and I have a small amount left over at the end of the month, which I have been saving. This is money I have agreed to contribute, because I am not a free loader

When we need "big ticket" items, he pays, because he earns nearly 6 times my minimum wage. If he had no money and was struggling to save then thats a bit different.

I think you need to sit down and have a chat about finances.

I don't think a lot of people would know though, I went into Liberty's on purpose to look (not buy) at the massively expensive bags. They were nice but not obviously nicer than a reasonably good High Street bag. If you don't recognise the logos.

Before I write the rest of this post--there could be so many reasons for this. What I've written below is just one possibility.....

Is this the only change in behaviour? Has she previously suffered from mental illness? I ask because one of the signs of me suffering a hypomanic episode was blowing a fortune on shoes and stuff. It was completely out of character & the only really obvious sign, but there were some other changes in behaviour and I'd previously been diagnosed with PND. i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder after that.

I mention this purely as it chimes with my experiences. I may be a million miles off.

I don't think it necessarily follows that partners shouldn't take an interest in separate savings. ISAs for example can only be in a single name. I don't police my partner's spending but we have had conversations around shared goals requiring saving, expectation of months salary saved etc. If he suddenly decided that he'd remove that cushion for no good reason I would most likely be quite pissed off the. I would raise it, but non-confrontationally if possible.

Well, you've got to talk to her about it, really, haven't you? Not talking about it isn't really a sensible option, imo. As far as accusations of snooping go, I think your explanation as given here is reasonable enough. In fact, I would go so far as to say that if her bank statement in all its descriptive glory is lying around, she may have wanted you to see it - certainly she hasn't made much of an effort to cover her spending up. Agree with PPs that the issue here is less the money per se, so much as what may be going on for her that uncontrolled spending seems like an attractive proposition. If I were blowing thousands on consumer items, either via savings or credit, it would mean I was very unhappy and trying to plug feelings of emptiness with an abundance of 'stuff'. I think this is very much your business, whatever your agreed arrangements for the sharing and spending of money. Be gentle, OP. Nobody likes to be caught out doing something they know is foolish. Hope you get somewhere constructive with her. for both of you.

I just don't get families who don't combine their income and savings. We have a joint account and everything goes into that and all expenditure is paid out of it. Same for savings.