to be worried about my wife blowing all her savings in the space of 6 months??

[jfh]

I looked at my wife's bank statement today because I needed to pay her some money and didn't have her bank details to hand. FWIW the bank statement was not locked up in some drawer which I had to break into, it was sitting on top of a desk pretty much in full view. What I saw shocked me (no, it wasn't a direct debit for Ashley Madison...). She has chewed through a fairly substantial chunk of her savings in the last 3 months, and if she keeps spending at the same rate she will have spent it all by Xmas...tens of thousands of pounds all told. Having a closer look at the statement, whilst some of the money has gone on stuff for the kids, the overwhelming majority seems to have been blown on shoes and handbags - often several hundred pounds being spent in one go.

Clearly, there may be issue here re privacy, so I might be on dodgy ground. FWIW I give full disclosure to my wife on my financial affairs, not least because I pay for a lot of the essentials and am constantly moaning about how we seem to spend all my income each month on these.

And yes, I am jealous that she apparently gets to spend seemingly infinite amounts of cash on herself when I've got bugger all. But I'm not worried about that bit here.

What worries me is that she seems to be living a life of huge consumption, and that its all going to come crashing down around her ears in but a few weeks time. I mean, I thought the whole point of savings was that you looked after them to use when you had to on big stuff, once in a blue moon - cars and the like.

And then, I suppose there's the thing about what's right for us as a family. We've got loads of big ticket stuff going on now and in the future that means we will have to dip into savings - mostly mine, TBH. At this rate if we ever needed to call on her savings, all she'll be able to offer is a weak smile and an apology.

What do I do? Do I just keep quiet and watch as it all goes tits up, or do I broach the subject now - but get a kicking for being a snooper?

What are the "big ticket" items you've got coming up?

Could it be that these are things she actually doesn't think are worth spending money on, so is treating herself to what she wants while she can? E.g. Planning to go on a very expensive holiday to somewhere she has no interest in visiting?

If they are things she does want or agrees are needed (house things, kids things etc.), would now be a good time to sit down & have a chat about where the funding will come from? If you are expecting/hoping that she will contribute 50% (or any % really), then maybe she needs to know now how much that will be. She might think that you have everything covered & that her money is for her treats & luxuries (and the kids).

I did have an amount of money around 12 months which, on the face of it, I got through very quickly. However, most of it went on things we had been waiting up to 10 years to be able to afford (new carpets, newer second hand cars etc.) and we were finally able to allow sporty DS2 to go on the school rugby tour to South Africa - after four years of having to say no. I'd be very upset if my DH posted on MN saying I'd wasted it just because it didn't seem to have lasted very long from his point of view.

So, a couple of bags & pairs of shoes in amidst lots of household & kids' expenses - I think you'd be very unreasonable to complain. If it's mainly bags & shoes (and such like), then you need to check she's still going to have enough left to cover her share of the expenses you've got coming up (providing they are things she wants).

Agree Buggers

My husband and I (no children) have mostly separate finances - there is a single joint account, into which we pay an equal amount (approx. 30% of our salary), to cover household spending. The rest of our cash is our own. I have only a vague idea of his monetary assets.

But we obviously know roughly what big spends are coming up. We will probably get a new car next year. There is a big holiday planned for 2017. And so on.

If these payment dates rocked around and I just said 'Oops sorry, but look at my new Birkin [learnt that last week!]', too right he'd be cross.

My husband and I don't always agree on savings and finances. He grew up poor so his mentality is "if you have it, spend it before it's gone", mine is "save it for a rainy day". Obviously we've had to have lots of talks, compromises, and making sure we're on the same page.

I think it is good to talk to her. By removing her savings, she's essentially putting all the responsibility on you, which isn't fair. You deserve to have some fun money too.

But that aside, I'd ask why she's spending so much so suddenly. She might have a good reason, she might not. When was the last time she got new clothes for herself? My mother just went on a shopping spree for clothes since she hadn't gotten any new ones in 4 years.

I'd approach it as a discussion. My husband and I do this: We have X amount of fun money, X amount must always be in savings (and if it's not we put some from paychecks in), X amount is used for essentials (food, gas, bills). That way we have three "pots" if you will and each pot is expected to be spend on a certain type of thing.

It's not just depression and bipolar there is also addiction, it's not just drugs, tobacco and alcoholism.

Couples should always agree how much they are going to put away as savings, who has whatever is left over, etc. It's strange that you haven't discussed this between you at all.

Hang on, these are her savings in her bank account, you also have savings and as a family have an income that allows for holidays and potential BMWs in the drive...
Have we drifted into some weird time warp when women have to sneak purchases into the house and justify the housekeeping spend?
Or an even weirder one where a spending splurge you can afford is a sign of mental illness?

Well, yes, amongst other symptoms it can be a big part of bipolar disorder. I can attest to that. As I said, it was but one of many, many explanations.

So was she meant to be allocating say £10k for some joint purchases and now she doesn't have it?

Am perplexed as to why it is an issue as to what she spends her individual savings on otherwise unless you both normally 'clear' purchases over a certain amount.

And yes, what handbags/shoes? When I buy an £££ bag my DH knows becuase well I tell him but also it is lovingly cared for

I think it's an issue if she blows through her savings and the partner was then expected to stump up for the big purchases.

"It's not just depression and bipolar there is also addiction, it's not just drugs, tobacco and alcoholism. "

it can also just be 'being selfish'

I think it depends whether the savings are considered "personal" in which case she can spend them on what she wants, or whether they are considered to be "for family use" and are in separate names for convenience.

Regardless it sounds like OP and his DW need a sensible chat about family budget. Fine for them to have separate accounts if that works for them, but I sense OP feels he spends a disproportionate amount of his money on family things/essentials.

She's being unreasonable quite frankly and imho quite deceitful.

Don't get me wrong - I love my mulberry bag collection - but when I buy a luxury item I tell DH and also what it cost if he asks. I also don't buy anything that would impede my ability to contribute equally to family spending.

We have separate finances so I don't find that odd, but the expectation that she can spend at will, lie about it and then expect you to fund family costs is very manipulative.

Upshot from my POV is call her up on it. It's shitty and disrespectful behaviour.

Is she burning through money you were both supposed to be saving for eg a house extension? In that case she IBVU and you need to raise it with her.

If it's just her money and she's got more set aside for the joint costs then she can do what she likes with it

Can you be more specific about how much she's actually got through?

Cheeky of me to ask but it would give perspective.

I'm a terrible spender, I have an unruly addiction to charity shop kitsch. I know that if it gets to £80pm that things are getting out of hand. I could easily add many noughts to that with no trouble whatsoever if my addiction was eg £1k handbags and shoes. I'm very sensible with everything else and perhaps my addiction is a way of kicking back bcs i'm such a good girl in everything else. Maybe it comes out of a kind of resentment?

Her insistence you don't pool finances is a bit of a red flag tbh - addictions thrive on secrecy.

Sorry, refusing to pool finances COULD be a red flag. It really does depend.

My husband and myself have a rule that if either of us wants to buy something big(something that will cost a lot)we let the other one know.

It's not something we ever really talked about,it's just something we've always done.We have joint money and we both have money of our own as well.But because we have 5 children it just always seemed the right thing to do.

The last thing we'd want is for one of us to go and blow a load of money and then realize a few hours later that it was needed for something important for the whole family.

Shopping for some people can be addictive,my Mum struggled with that years ago.
One of my brothers then wifes(they're no longer together)had a really serious problem when it came to shopping,they split up and he ended up having the bailiffs at the door nearly every day,because every time he was at work his wife was buying everything possible from catalouges.She's run up thousands upon thousand of pounds with lots of different accounts and he had no idea,she'd hidden the items she'd bought at other peoples houses.
It ended up taking him nearly 3 years to pay it all off.

If your really worried OP and it sounds like you are then you really need to sit down and have a chat with your wife about what's been going on.

I'm probably jumping the gun but are you certain she hasn't developed bipolar?

Oh, I remember your gift thread. Your wife was U then and she hasn't changed a bit.

Is she covering her share of the bills? Do you have joint savings that you're bith supposed to pay towards?

If she can cover her share including any savings you may have discussed, that's one thing. But if you're saying that if she lost her job she'd have to raid your individual savings, that's not right.

We need more info, sorry!

*I'm the main breadwinner in our house. I'm lucky to earn a decent wage, but very little of it is disposable after all the usual stuff and then some - bills, pension, life insurance, groceries, cars, food, kids clubs, and not to mention school fees. To be honest, I'm hardly left with anything at all to spend on myself.

My OH has a independent source of income, nowhere near as big as mine. We agreed early on in our relationship that I would cover all of the 'mandatory' stuff, leaving them to earn whatever they liked and spend it however they liked.*

This is what you said in your other thread. I take it your wife is a SAHM? And that her income is fairly substantial considering the luxuries it allows?

Its mind boggling she contributes zero.

How are your finances set up then? What is your income and outgoings split? Where did her savings come from? Did she get a lump sum or did she build it up and now is spending it?

It's not fair if your money is all going on family stuff and building up savings, for family stuff, and her money is being spunked on shoes and clothes etc. Even if you have separate accounts you should both really have the same amount of money spare each to spend how you choose.

As she hadn't hidden it I wonder if she wanted you to see. If this is a new thing then maybe she's struggling with something. I'd suggest you approach her as you are concerned for her. However perhaps she has always been a bit like this with money and that's why she didn't want to join finances.

You're a family with children and so need to work as a unit.

So, you are married, with children and you do not both consider that all funds coming into the family are ours
Hmm.

My DH can spend money like water
so we have an arrangement that I stash it in savings accounts (in his name) that he cannot access easily.
I'm inherently tight and like to save
But we both like to live well

You and your Wife do not have aligned priorities : that does not bode well.

Looking at this alongside your other thread I think you have an underlying problem here. Your wife doesn't want to pool finances, appears unable to budget (you say on the other thread that she just burns through the budget amount and then goes back for more) and resists any attempts you make to manage finances as a couple then spends money like water on herself and the DC but not you.

She seems to want total control over her money and how she spends it, but no responsibility for shouldering family costs - so effectively she gets to spend her money on 'fun' stuff, like glorified pockety money. That's a very infantilised position. Is that reflected elsewhere in your relationship? Does she take her fair share of responsibility elsewhere? Do you have a bit of a parent/child dynamic between the two of you elsewhere? I ask because this seems quite deep-seated and sounds like it's really starting to bug you.