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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ignore my neighbour?

64 replies

ilovemilton · 25/08/2015 23:58

I'm a single mum with two children under ten. Man aged in his fifties moved in across the street alone.

He knocks on my door everyday. At first I answered it to be polite but he was clearly drunk and had me standing there for an hour listening to his life story. Then again the night after, and after, and after....

I asked him to stop knocking as the children were in bed. Continues. I ignore. He stands there for half an hour plus knocking away.

Then he posts a note through saying he will be cutting my hedges tomorrow, leave the brown bin out. I hid the brown bin, as I had told him in many previous conversations I didn't want him too, but come back from work to find them cut. My DM had been to say thank you before I got home, and he said he would be over later "to settle up" ie for me to pay him!

I continue to ignore the knocking. Every night. For half an hour plus.

Last night I had to go out when he was knocking. I couldn't get past him to get to my car. He wanted to know why I had dug my trees out after he had cut them for me!! (Planned work for new driveway).

He was knocking on my door just now. Its nearly midnight. It's driving me mad. I don't know how to stop him!

OP posts:
Inertia · 26/08/2015 00:34

You are not being rude, it's harassment. You clearly feel threatened, so it is entirely reasonable to call the police on 101 to get advice, or even 999 if you feel that you are in danger .

mimishimmi · 26/08/2015 00:36

I wouldn't ignore him and hope he goes away!! This is stalking. Call the police (I just hope they take it seriously and don't tell you to be firm with him)

Rainbunny · 26/08/2015 02:51

His behaviour is far worse than just the outer-edge of annoying neighbour stuff. Most of us (women) don't like confrontation but think about it this way, if he is disturbing you (to put it mildly) then he is disturbing your child/children. There is nothing that would make me more angry and prepared to battle than a threat to the wellbeing of my children. Stop feeling tentative and polite about what he's doing, tell him firmly that he has to stop bothering you and don't be afraid to involve the police. You are being harassed and hiding behind your front door won't stop it.

Of course you wish this would just stop and he would go away, but without you getting angry and therefore assertive it simply won't. Yes, it's scary to have someone direct hatred towards you but I promise you'll find that you can deal with it and feel like you've got your life back (I have personal experience). It's not fair that you have to deal with this but it's what has to happen.

ophiotaurus · 26/08/2015 03:56

Could you leave a note on the door?
Something like if you continue to knock on the door I will call the police? Then you don't have to speak to him.

SoupDragon · 26/08/2015 06:28

Call the police.
If it turns "nasty" call the police.

Desertedislander · 26/08/2015 06:28

I would definitely call the police. Knocking for half an hour?! What's he playing that?! That's intimating and verging on stalker behaviour

Perfectlypurple · 26/08/2015 06:34

It would be classes as harassment. Harassment is a course of conduct that causes harassment, alarm or distress. The police will deal with it. He should be spoken to and told that he is not to contact you, if he does contact you after that he can be arrested.

That said, have you made it clear that you don't want him turning up? If not you do need to tell him. He can't know it is distressing you if you don't tell him. So, next time tell him that you don't want him coming to your door and approaching you in the street. If he ignores that he knows he is upsetting you. Make a note of time and date you tell him for if you need to go to police.

He may just not realise and you telling him may be enough.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 26/08/2015 06:45

By all means, OP, give him one last warning if you wish, but seriously, I boggle that somebody doesn't already know which side of the courteous/creepy line knocking on somebody's door for half an hour late at night, or blocking their way, etc, is. [shock

Hairballs · 26/08/2015 06:51

Warn him that if he continues, you will go to the police.

If he continues, go to the police.

If he gets nasty, go to the police.

StealthPolarBear · 26/08/2015 06:53

Yes he is harassing you. You do not have to put up with it in the name of politeness. And tell everyone how bad his behaviour has got, your mum, other neighbours and of course the police

StealthPolarBear · 26/08/2015 06:55

Would you even knock once on someone's door after 10pm. I'm guessing the answer is only in an emergency. What would you expect the response to be if you did?
"Don't you know how late it is, we are all trying to sleep, stop disturbing us!"
That would be the normal response so hive him that. It isn't impolite.

BMW6 · 26/08/2015 07:35

Totally agree with stealth - tell everyone and ring 101. I daresay he is already known to local Police. Don't put up with this a moment longer.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 26/08/2015 07:55

Call the police, this is harassment at least and stalking at worst.

Keep a diary of all his 'contact' time with you.

If you can afford it I would seriously consider getting one of those security cameras fitted, the chances are that he is sniffing around your home even when you are out.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 26/08/2015 07:59

Of course you should contact tbd police, it is harassment and he's being a right pain in the arse.

I'd be bloody furious at the door knocking but at night it's spooky too.

You don't need the hassle of having to deal with this prat.

Gymbunny1204 · 26/08/2015 08:00

Why don't you want to call the police? If they can't do anything they will tell you but if you don't call them he won't stop. If he turns nasty after the police visit you call them again. You are giving in to a bully and controller at the moment.

Yvonnebb76 · 26/08/2015 08:06

I think this man is a controlling bully OP.

He wouldn't even think of doing this to someone who had a man with them. I really think you need to be determined to nip this in the bud as quickly as possible because it will carry on for years if you don't. I'd do whatever it takes to get the message across to him - I don't think simply ignoring his knocking is enough. I'd start keeping a diary of every single occurence because I think you're going to have to prove harrassment and get him kicked out if necessary.

If I'm blatently honest I'd get another man (relative, friend, friend's husband) to knock on his door and tell him in polite (or not) terms to leave you alone....but I'm not supposed to say that am I? :)

The man's an absolute twat OP....don't spare his feelings.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/08/2015 08:08

The police would certainly be interested, I do not understand why you think they would not be bothered.

This is harassment and a crime.

Skiptonlass · 26/08/2015 08:14

Absolutely report this. It's awful! This kind of thing is exactly what the 101 number is for. Keep a log of dates, times and actions. If he gets nasty, call the police.

And talk to your other neighbours too - this is absolutely unacceptable behaviour. He's making you afraid in your own home, I would be ripping him a new one next time he knocked.

MrsSchadenfreude · 26/08/2015 08:19

I feel your pain. Our neighbour has dementia and is often banging on our door before 7 in the morning and after midnight. Nothing that anyone says to him (including the police) will get him to stop. When DH was away the other week, he banged on our door non-stop between 10 at night and 2 in the morning. The man upstairs found him naked on the stairs in the morning. But your case is different - I would definitely call the police or pop in and see them (if your police station is ever open, ours seems to be open for about five minutes whenever the moon turns green). This is unacceptable behaviour and he can't carry on.

featherglass · 26/08/2015 08:21

Agree with everyone else, this is harassment and criminal behaviour.
You need to rehearse something to say to him, clear and unambiguous. When you speak, don't get involved in any discussion - this is not up for discussion, you are protecting your children (and yourself). Give him the following direction:

'You are frightening my children and this must stop. You must not knock on my door again. You must not do any work in my house or garden. You must not go into my garden, touch my bins or anything of mine. If you come into my garden or knock on my door I will call the police. I do not want your help. Now go away. Thank you'

Be very clear with your language. Don't get engaged in any discussion - just use the 'broken record' technique and repeat - 'go away or I will call the police. Thank you'.

Also - stop your DM from thanking him - if anything she also needs to be giving him the same message - 'Do not go into my daughter's garden. Stop knocking on my daughter's door. You are scaring my grandchildren - leave them alone'

This is being assertive, not rude. Good luck, it sounds horrible but just be clear (practise what you'll say first).

Renniehorta · 26/08/2015 08:35

As you have been told that others have had problems with this pest, you may find that the police have already been involved. If that is the case you reporting his behaviour may give them enough evidence to act. I would not hesitate to contact the police. Do not carry on trying to be brave about this.

Lj8893 · 26/08/2015 08:45

Another saying you must call the police. When I was a teen we had a new neighbour move in and would knock our door several times a night asking my mum to move her car as he wanted to park by his house (there was no allocated parking). When we didn't answer, or my mum wouldn't move her car he would get really nasty.
My mum never contacted the police and his behaviour got worse and worse, eventually my mum moved. I wish we had called the police sooner.

iamEarthymama · 26/08/2015 08:56

Find out if he lives in housing association property and contact them.
If you don't want to report as an incident contact your local Community Policing team, the info will be online
They may come to see you, ours would, in fact they would come when the knocking was going on if we had spoken about it.
We had a horrendous time with a neighbour last year. That involved knocking; she was dealing and people were knocking at her door all bloody day and night
Doors slamming, cars revving!
Community Police were great xx

NynaevesSister · 26/08/2015 10:20

You are stuck in being nice syndrome - it's foisted on women from birth and ends up with us in situations like this. And is also why men like this feel they can act this way. I got it a lot when I was you her because I am short - these types of guys seem to love feeling 'powerful'.

It is most definitely a police matter. Call 101 and talk it over.

Log every incident with time and location, and what happened, and either use your phone or keep a recorder by the door. Hit record as soon as he starts knocking.

Ignore and don't engage. Make sure everyone who visits knows to ignore.

Talk to your neighbours about what's happening.

If he rents or is in a housing association complain to them everytime he hassles you.

Get a harassment order against him.

MidniteScribbler · 26/08/2015 10:46

Also, be aware that since it's your house he's doing the knocking at, neighbours could complain about noise at unsociable hours. If my neighbour had guests who banged on their door for an hour at midnight, I'd be making a complaint. By having a police log of your contact about this man, you are protecting yourself against this type of complaint.

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