Corporate speak: plumbing new depths?
yolofish · 25/08/2015 23:26
OK, I know its a topic covered before, but today I got a brief on something for which I am being asked to "dive deep". (snort emoticon). I think they mean examine the topic in depth??
And an oldie from my previous career, but I still believe it's a classic: when our industry rag discovered we had had to make some redundancies in the light of client losses, our chief exec described the situation as "remaking the needs".
Any more new ones or classic golden oldies (eg not blue sky thinking, going forward, pushing the envelope etc etc etc)
IAmNotDarling · 26/08/2015 00:06
Yes, but you can't map your solutions through a problem solve unless you understand your problem by undertaking deep dive.
I find my 4 year old is great at the 5 whys. Maybe I should train her to run problem solving 'o' events and set her up as a management consultant.
emotionsecho · 26/08/2015 00:50
'Boil the ocean' has made an unwelcome appearance in a company a friend of mine works for.
Anyone who uttered the following "We need to press the moist flesh of the low hanging fruit so we can podium" would not survive to tell the tale. Two of my urgh words - moist and flesh along with the rest of the wanker-speak my actions would be totally justified.
TheHouseOnTheLane · 26/08/2015 07:54
I've just written an application for an arts grant...my God! The guidelines were full of this sort of bullshit so I plumbed new depths and I've positively splurged it out in my application. It all makes sense but it's such a bullshitty way of saying something!
Skiptonlass · 26/08/2015 08:06
My workplace (American owned) is a nightmare for this. My personal favourite is "going forward..." like humans experience time in any different way despite most principles of physics being time-reversible...
Also heard recently:
Deep dives - having a good look at it
Threshold reviewing - also having a good look at it, just not all of it
Touch base (sounds so harassy) no sir, you will not touch my base!
Take it offline - shut the fuck up, you're making this meeting even longer and more arduous than it needs to be, send me a bloody email
And the acronyms...the endless, endless acronyms. One of our senior management came up with a process that had a very rude term as an acronym. It wasn't SHAG (it'll out me completely if I write it but it's something very similar) Some poor, poor underling had to explain to him why his ' shag experts' and 'shagging task force' were resisting putting it in their email signatures.
Seriously, it's like I work in a Dilbert cartoon.
Boleh · 26/08/2015 08:13
Oh, and I was recently required to change the name of a project that's been running over 2 years, a month before the end date because they wanted something where the acronym sounded better....
I too frequently feel like I work in a Dilbert cartoon. In fact they get passed around between colleagues when they are particularly appropriate.
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