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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not spend the time when DH is doing his hobbies doing housework?

72 replies

CathCurtains · 25/08/2015 18:27

DH and I both work full time. I do the vast majority of the household tasks, childcare, etc.

DH has a lot of hobbies and is often out all weekend or all evening doing his hobbies.

I have said that from now on I intend to spend the time that he is doing his hobbies relaxing and not doing housework as I am sick of it.

He thinks I am being unreasonable and unfair and that as I am home then I should be doing it.

AIBU?

OP posts:

wafflyversatile · 26/08/2015 00:14

Bollocks to that. Draw up a rota!

''oh DH you are going to have to drop some of your hobbies as you only have two evenings and one half day at the weekend spare for 'personal leisure' time, the same as I WILL BE HAVING, STARTING NOW.

And how much money do these hobbies use up? You'll be needing equal amounts of money to spend on personal leisure time too.

wafflyversatile · 26/08/2015 00:17

Oh, yes, and on saturday and sunday afternoons, after we've had evenly distributed personal times on saturday and sunday mornings, we'll be spending time together as a family staying at home or going out and doing family things. Oh, yes we bloody well will.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/08/2015 00:18

How did you end up like this?

BackforGood · 26/08/2015 00:20

What Mango said in the second reply.

Absolutely fair for one partner to do more than the other if one is out the house for paid work longer than the other, but ultimately you should have equal amounts of leisure time. Whether you choose to use it having a lie-in or running marathons is up to you.

MedusaIsHavingaBadHairday · 26/08/2015 01:09

My life was like this ... we both work but I was also being the lone parent every weekend and most evenings while he went off and did his hobby (yes cycling)

I gradually became very VERY pissed off with it. We have 4 young adult kids..so no problem , hey? Only DS2 is autistic and learning disabled and can't be left..and is very wearing on the ear drums as he is so repetitive. It got to the stage where he would come in and didn't even manage 'how was your day?' (we both work full time) Instead he'd greet me with 'I got an extra 30 miles in and my pace was bla bla bla'

I tried being polite and saying how we needed time together. Nada. Then DD2 came home from uni and I said if he dosn't come home more and shut the hell up about his bikes she would be looking at divorced parents. She had A WORD with him I suspect more than a few words actually as she is one articulate and feisty young woman.

He then really tried to rein it in... stil training but not as much and he remembered that he had a family too. He's just done Ride 24... 310 miles in 24 hours for charity. I was there at the end to support him.

BUT I have made it clear.. crystal bloody clear... that for every hour he spends off cycling or attending long events, that I am having an equal time for ME and he has to spend time caring for DS2 . He's thinking about a european ride...many days, and I have told him that if he does I will have week abroad BY MYSELF. And all the housework...

it's working for us so far... :)

Birnamwood · 26/08/2015 08:09

Medusa, my dp just did Ride24

Sorry, not helpful to the OP :)

BiddyPop · 26/08/2015 08:42

Even if you cannot get out to do hobbies you would like while he is away, there are plenty of hobbies that you could pursue at home. Like baking, flower arranging, card making, knitting, sewing, candlemaking, ......loads and loads of different crafts. Or online gaming, reading, Sudoku, magazines, home improvements, exercise....or just watching tv.

Absolutely NOT ON that he expects you to cover all the housework while he relaxes doing something he enjoys.

Agree the household jobs you will each do, fairly, and once you have done yours, stop and do something for yourself. His laundry should be included on his list. And some part of responsibility for food - whether shopping, cooking some nights, cleaning up afterwards etc.

pinkyredrose · 26/08/2015 08:46

OP if you're happy being treated like a domestic appliance with a vagina attachment then great, if not then you're going to have to do something drastic. Things will never change otherwise.

TheDovefromabove56 · 26/08/2015 08:58

It does sound very unfair. As a bare minimum you shouldn't be doing any housework related to his hobby e.g. washing sports kit. Give him a list of future dates when you are away or busy at the weekend and plan something special to do. Tell him that he needs to be at home on these dates.

On the bright side, there must be some benefits to having a DH with a cyclists or sportsman's body. Unless his hobby is competitive eating...

MedusaIsHavingaBadHairday · 26/08/2015 09:31

TheDove... not really they are fit but always knackered and smell of deep heat

Oh and the fucking lycra... don't get me started on the lycra...

Collaborate · 26/08/2015 09:36

Draw up a list of jobs that need doing and allocate them fairly. How he finds time to do his is his business. He may need to pay for a cleaner if he can't be bothered.

TheLightsWinning · 26/08/2015 11:35

No no no no no.
This is ridiculous of him to expect you to do everything whilst he swans off doing his hobbies!
You both work full time, you both need to have leisure time. And even if you were a SAHM, you are entitled to leisure time, so in a way its a moot point, childcare is a full time job after all!
What exactly is he doing that means he is completely unavailable to the family for such a large amount of time?
I'll bet he thinks you are being unreasonable because he's had a bit of a charmed life until now by the sound of it!
Unfortunately though he needs to realise that relationships need a bit of give and take on both sides, and at the moment, he's doing all of the taking. How he doesn't expect you to feel resentful about this is beyond me!
Also, even if you don't actually want to go and launch yourself into some big gym routine/kyaking or whatever, you are just as entitled to relaxation as he is!

rookiemere · 26/08/2015 16:05

Just start going out at the weekends and evenings. Doesn't matter what you do, just don't be there, then he'll have to pick up the load and look after his own DC.

TBH I wouldn't be as annoyed by the housework - that can be outsourced and as I have low standards and a cleaner doesn't take up much of the weekend - as the not being there for his own DCs and expecting you to pick that up.

It will feel wrong and bad for you to go out, when is family time then, but all you're doing is giving him a taste of his own medicine, hopefully he'll wise up to himself.

Sometimes I feel a lot of men are more like this than women. Put themselves and their expensive and time consuming hobbies first. DH is pretty good, but I make sure I go away for at least one long weekend a year to his 5 weekends and I don't work Fridays so I do have a reasonable amount of free time which stops me being stabby.

AbeSaidYes · 26/08/2015 16:08

Does this housework include doing any of his washing, ironing, tidying, food making?
If so - just stop doing them.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 26/08/2015 17:30

I think we've scared off the OP.

Maddiemademe · 26/08/2015 17:41

Is he this self absorbed and selfish in any other aspects in your relationship? I had one like this but he was also a knob head in general. I hate selfishness, particularly when one person treats their partner like a servant. You can do better, tell him to get fucked!

AyeAmarok · 26/08/2015 17:48

HIBU. You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

Marynary · 26/08/2015 19:49

He is obviously used to treating you like a doormat or he wouldn't even try to argue that that it is reasonable for you to cover all the childcare and housework while he has leisure time. The current situation is very unfair and you need to stand up for yourself.

NewLife4Me · 26/08/2015 19:55

Draw up a rota of jobs and time.
So monday night is your night at home and you do xyz, tuesday is his and he does abc.
Weekends are family time as you both work ft during the week.

lorelei9 · 26/08/2015 20:02

Wow
Put your foot down. If he won't do a rota, then don't do any cooking or laundry of his.

Also, ask him why he won't be an equal parent. Actually how do the children feel about this? It must be sad for them.

Fairenuff · 26/08/2015 20:36

OP are you going to engage with posters on your thread at all? If not, why did you start it

FilbertSnood · 26/08/2015 20:58

I am going to guess that maybe she is feeling guilty about having posted it?

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