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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A wedding one sorry

35 replies

Pyjamaramadrama · 25/08/2015 16:11

Wibu to have dps family at our wedding and not mine?

Backstory is, I have no desire at all to have a wedding, spend any money on a wedding or to plan a wedding. I don't enjoy other people's weddings. The idea of organising one makes me want to run for the hills.

I'm very introvert and find group social events exhausting but I do make the effort.

I would however like to marry my dp for various reasons but have always.said I'd like to sneak off to a registry office just the two of us plus two witnesses.

Now that the time has come dp has decided that he at least wants 4 immediate family members there. There would be no frills, no cars, cake bridesmaids or flowers.

I however have a larger and complicated immediate family, in that there would be 15 people, I couldn't invite one and not another. I also know that one would struggle to attend for health reasons, and I'd spend the time worrying about them, if my dsis knew I'd never hear the end of it, she'd try to take over and turn it into my worst nightmare, certain family members don't get along with others and I know would potentially argue on the day.

I don't feel that I can say to dp that he can't invite these family members but if mine know that they weren't asked I doubt they'd speak to me, alternatively inviting them would turn a quiet non event into a circus.

We're already not going to the place I'd like for a meal afterwards because the 4 in laws wouldn't like it.

OP posts:

ChristineDePisan · 25/08/2015 16:14

I'd insist on eloping...

Original poster

Pyjamaramadrama · 25/08/2015 16:24

I would but in typical wedding style dp is worried what his family would say.

OP posts:

AlpacaLypse · 25/08/2015 16:29

Would dps family really and truly never speak to him again if he informed his family, including the four mentioned, that you and he had something to tell them, and showed off a wedding ring and a couple of photos taken by your witnesses? I think not. You've presumably said more than once that you really don't want anyone around except him, a couple of witnesses and the registrar, I'm sorry he doesn't seem to have listened properly.

Mulligrubs · 25/08/2015 16:33

Oh OP you have a similar dilemma to me! DP isn't so much fussed about the wedding we have, I am an introvert much like you and the thought of an actual wedding terrifies me. My own immediate family said they would be happy whatever we do. DPs family is more complicated like yours and if anyone is left out there'd be hell and if such and such is invited so and so would have to come so it just escalates.

All I will say is if you have a few of his family there your own family may be very pissed off. My mum said the only thing she would hate is if DPs parents were invited but she wasn't. Anything else was fine.

I want to elope but I know FIL, who I already pretty intensely dislike anyway, would be devastated. As much as I dislike him I don't want to be responsible for leaving him devastated over it.

Sorry for the ramble, it's just I can identify with your situation so much and you have my sympathy, it is so difficult getting a balance between what you want and pleasing everyone else. I've been engaged a year and a half and am still no closer to deciding how to handle this, the stress overwhelms me and I get upset.

yoshipoppet · 25/08/2015 16:37

I too would insist on eloping :)

I can't stand the family dramas that so often invade weddings. A wedding should be a joyful occasion for the bride and groom, not a day of stress and worry.

Fatmomma99 · 25/08/2015 16:42

Good luck for your wedding.

This might be a silly suggestion, but thought I'd offer it anyway....

What if you and DP elope for the actual wedding, but then your DP speaks quietly to his 4 relatives, suggest that they throw a (v small) "congrats" party for you, which your DP (and you, if you like) v quietly pay for? Then THEY "control" who's invited (so your family aren't involved). It could even be a "surprise" party. I'm not talking about anything big - just an eve in a pub you like or in someone's living room.

I suspect MN won't like this, they'll prob not approve of any sneaking around and they might be right - lies to have a habit of outing themselves.

Just wondered if this might give you the wedding you want but also keep the in-laws happy.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Jackie0 · 25/08/2015 16:44

Your dp really ought to be putting your feelings first rather than worrying about what his family members thinks.

Ragwort · 25/08/2015 16:44

What about insisting to your DP that you and he get married very quietly on your own at the registry office and then, on a different day, invite his four relatives out for a meal as a belated celebration. Therefore you are not 'alienating' anyone from the actual wedding.

I feel sad for you, if you can't agree on what sort of wedding you both want and he is 'afraid' of his relations' reactions then how will you face other difficult situations/disagreements when you are married?

FWIW DH and I agreed on a very small wedding, five guests in all - some from my family and some from his - but not all siblings from either side were invited . There were a couple of half hearted grumbles but 30 years on no one remembers or cares. . Do people really fall out big time over weddings? .

As a parent of a son I am dreading any future wedding, I sincerely hope my DS elopes and no, I genuinely wouldn't mind in the slightest. I would much more hate the extravagence/ostentation of a big wedding.

Tiggeryoubastard · 25/08/2015 16:49

It's his wedding as well. If he wants them there and they haven't done anything dreadful then I can see his point. However the meal isn't solely to suit them, so tough titties on that, they eat at your choice.
Now to the second part.

Yes, your family will be very pissed off, and I can see why. For a short term fix you may (will) get long term grief. I can see your dilemma, though. I'd think long and carefully.
The only thing I can think of is just have both your parents and nobody else.

Charlesroi · 25/08/2015 16:51

Book a 'surprise' (to DP) couple of days away and bugger off to Gretna Green. DP can then tell his relatives he knew nothing about it until the day of the wedding.

Original poster

Pyjamaramadrama · 25/08/2015 16:52

I'd be quite happy to have a meal/small party with his family at another time but unfortunately dp isn't satisfied with this.

I do think that he should put my feelings first as our wedding is no concern of anyone else's, the way I see it is that our relationships with our families are entirely separate and that if we get married in private then noone should care.

I also have sons and couldn't care less so long as they're happy.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pyjamaramadrama · 25/08/2015 16:55

Charlesroi they'd love that, I think that they already think I'm odd as I'm not a tea on the table type of person and I dp doesn't babysit his own kids, that would be the final nail.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pyjamaramadrama · 25/08/2015 16:57

The way I see it is I insist on doing it my way, cancel the whole thing, upset my entire family, or turn the so called wedding day and dun up to into my worst nightmare for the sake of doing the right thing.

OP posts:

Tiggeryoubastard · 25/08/2015 17:01

Wow. Your poor partner. He doesn't seem to matter in this at all, apart from turning up to make your day.

sunnydayinmay · 25/08/2015 17:04

Nightmare - I think I would cancel!

It clearly should be all or nothing, so either all guests or no guests. If your dp won't agree to no guests, then could you organise something you want, at a venue you want, on your terms for everyone. Maybe just a ceremony and tea, cake and champagne afterwards for an hour?

OnlyLovers · 25/08/2015 17:05

I would but in typical wedding style dp is worried what his family would say.

He's your problem really.

JustMeOverHere · 25/08/2015 17:06

We're already not going to the place I'd like for a meal afterwards because the 4 in laws wouldn't like it

It's your wedding. Have it how you and your DP want. There's no law that says you must have a big do or anyone you know there. Your family will be hurt if they're not invited if your DP's family are. (unless you're NC so they wouldn't know anyway)

MagickPants · 25/08/2015 17:08

I can see why your DP wants his people there and you don't. Why not just have it both of your ways and do it with his four people and not yours?

Or pick 4 of yours. Why 15? If you have 2 parents, then who else is that important - you have 13 siblings?

I think you should be really badass and just do a really tiny ceremony with as few people as you can get away with. Maybe let him have his 4 and you pick 2 - not necessarily family - maybe your best friend and her dp or someone, just nice people to be there for you. Then tell your folks. Then when they moan and kick off just smile and say "you see this is what we were afraid would happen on the day... but as it was, it was lovely!" and look happy

Ok ask yourself this question. Picture one person - any person - who won't stress you out on the day, will be there for you, will make you feel better, not worse. If you can think of two or three, great. Now ask them and sod the rest

MagickPants · 25/08/2015 17:11

I think, to be fair to dp, he may well just want his family to see him get married, and many people do, and that is fine. If I got married without my mum and my sister there, they would be gutted, and that would be sad, and I just can't think that is the right thing to do - even if my dp wanted it I would really, really struggle to do it. If my dp wanted it only because he didn't want to invite anyone himself, I'm afraid I wouldn't think that a good enough reason. I would just say "well, don't then"

Original poster

Pyjamaramadrama · 25/08/2015 17:23

It's not quite as simple as that magicpants, dp wants his mum, dad, sibling and their partner, which is fair enough.

One of my parents is quite unwell and would struggle to cope, I don't want to go into it too much but believe me it could cause massive stress for everyone, I don't have 13 siblings but I do have more than one and they all have partners and children (who I adore), I couldn't possibly invite my siblings and exclude their young children.

Ok I could, but that would be as bad as having dps sibling and not mine, my sibling also don't all get on with each other.

Can you see how this has gone from private wedding to circus?

It's not dps fault, but how on earth do I make myself happy and keep everyone else happy?

OP posts:

Original poster

Pyjamaramadrama · 25/08/2015 17:32

Btw I'm not saying that dp can't have these people there.

I realise I'm in the minority of people who would want to elope.

But having noone there would save anyone getting offended.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 25/08/2015 17:33

What's the worse that will happen if just DP's family are there and not your's? Do you actually need to tell anyone you've got married, presumably you are living together already?

Are you planning on including your own children?

goblinhat · 25/08/2015 17:34

It's not dps fault, but how on earth do I make myself happy and keep everyone else happy?*

You don't have to keep everyone else happy.

OH and I are getting married next year and we are telling no-one.

Dynomite · 25/08/2015 17:58

If you don't want your family there, fine, but I'm sure it will hurt them deeply. And imagine how an already ill parent would feel finding out their daughter didn't tell them about her wedding but that she had her in-laws there. I think you are blowing this whole event out of proportion. Just get married in the registry office and tell them the time and place. No dinner afterwards or whatever. All they will do is stand there and congratulate you. Any attempt of your siblings to take over the event should be met with a clear 'No'.

It's your DP's wedding too and I disagree that he should always put you first at the expense of everyone else like some posters think. His wishes are just as important as yours and so are his feelings towards his family. I would be absolutely gutted if DP would ever suggest I exclude my mum from such an event. I most likely wouldn't marry him. I wouldn't marry someone who think it's ok to upset my family just because he doesn't like his.

Original poster

Pyjamaramadrama · 25/08/2015 18:14

I haven't actually said that dps family cannot come, I suggested his and not mine.

I disagree that it's always putting me first, I put dp and his family first a lot, we have to spend many, many events with them, think Xmas, New Years, Boxing days, we see them twice weekly, I find this quite exhausting but I go along with it.

Also it isn't that simple with my family if it was as simple as turn up and be civilised obviously I would invite them, I think you're missing the point about them slightly.

Ragwort I have considered not telling them, we hadn't even really decided about our dcs although I think the eldest would be upset.

OP posts:

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