A wedding one sorry

[Pyjamaramadrama]

Wibu to have dps family at our wedding and not mine?

Backstory is, I have no desire at all to have a wedding, spend any money on a wedding or to plan a wedding. I don't enjoy other people's weddings. The idea of organising one makes me want to run for the hills.

I'm very introvert and find group social events exhausting but I do make the effort.

I would however like to marry my dp for various reasons but have always.said I'd like to sneak off to a registry office just the two of us plus two witnesses.

Now that the time has come dp has decided that he at least wants 4 immediate family members there. There would be no frills, no cars, cake bridesmaids or flowers.

I however have a larger and complicated immediate family, in that there would be 15 people, I couldn't invite one and not another. I also know that one would struggle to attend for health reasons, and I'd spend the time worrying about them, if my dsis knew I'd never hear the end of it, she'd try to take over and turn it into my worst nightmare, certain family members don't get along with others and I know would potentially argue on the day.

I don't feel that I can say to dp that he can't invite these family members but if mine know that they weren't asked I doubt they'd speak to me, alternatively inviting them would turn a quiet non event into a circus.

We're already not going to the place I'd like for a meal afterwards because the 4 in laws wouldn't like it.

If I were you, I'd just not bother getting married. It really shouldn't be this much hard work or cause so much anguish, so unless you're desperate to marry, I'd leave things as they are.

My friend had this situation. In the end they had no blood relations at all at the wedding, just 6 close friends. Her mum and dad even babysat their kids!

2 weeks later they had a family meal to celebrate the wedding, with a cake etc.

This seemed to work well, as there had been no family at the actual wedding at all. I think her sister wasn't pleased, but at least she couldn't say 'why was your husband's brother there and not me'.

This could have been me, my family would have turned it into a circus, all about them as they did my first marriage so I brazened it out and just had DPs parents there as witnesses. I am beyond caring who was offended, it wasn't their day. My Dsis still makes snarky comments but it was worth it.

Do what makes you happy, a marriage is a legal contract between two people and anything else is frills.

I'm afraid you are just going to have to pick your battles:

Battle a: "I am inviting you to my wedding, which is very low key, on the stern understanding that you behave on the day and make no attempt to interfere with the arrangements. I have made the very small list and one of the things you will not be interfering with, is attempting to add anyone to it. I hope you are happy for us"

Battle b: "I am married. You were not invited because we wanted everything very low key. I hope you are happy for us"

It's one or the other. Just pick one, practise being assertive, get DP to support you, and go for it

CONGRATULATIONS!

My Dmum and DDad married with mum's parents and brothers there. Dad had no one there and they told them after. Mum's family were v close and chilled, dad's.. A nightmare. Fights would have happened.

It can be done!

Owlgirl it seems ashame that I should never get married because my family are a pita.

I can see why if you have a normal family and want to share your day with them you wouldn't understand.

If I said one is likely to turn up drunk, one would likely make rude comments about whatever I'd chosen to wear, or the venue or anything else loudly during the ceremony.

Unless there is a pressing need for you to get married, call it off.

Basically until your DP gets it.

The best solution sounds like you should have a civil ceremony just you and witnesses. Include your children only.

Then, have a party or a meal to celebrate with those who won't cause a scene.

If you get any flack just reply that their reaction is why you have not had a "do" and if they are looking to point the finger of blame, to look at themselves.

I don't like e fact that you seem corralled into twice a week visits with DP family, and obligation for all festive events etc, your DP sounds as though he has an over bearing family, and yours sound like a nightmare for other reasons.

The only people that matter in your relationship are you and your DP. Do what you both want and don't allow others to bamboozle you.

Pyjamaramadrama I totally understand.

My DM didn't turn up at my or my sister's wedding as she didn't like the men we had chosen to marry.

I am choosing to get married a second time- and no family except for our children will be invited. No- one will even be told until after the event.

I don't think that you should feel obliged to not upset your family (by inviting in laws and not them) AND worry about them on the day. It's one or the other.

I think you should invite DP's lot, your lot, get married, and ignore all of them. Let them spout about your dress. Tell your DSis to look after your unwell parent. Enjoy he kids' smiles and joy.

You may be surprised. Weddings tend to bring out happy feelings in immediate families (unless the circumstances are unfavourable). Normal rules tend to be suspended, at least within ear shot. And if they're not, fuck 'em. You did your duty by inviting them. Then just enjoy your day!

In that case Op, you need to be firm - either with your family or with your DH to be - pick the battle you think you can win in the long run with.

FWIW, I totally see your DHs perspective in that I wouldn't get married without having my family present (although I disagree re Christmas & twice weekly visits etc) & if your family are as bad as you say, then be honest with them about what you're doing & the reasons why. They may be annoyed but if they're honest with themselves, they'll see the truth in what you say & come round eventually (hopefully!).

Good luck as this should be a fun time, not an absolute nightmare.