Pregnant woman buying cigarettes

[RevsDeCub]

I need to settle this debate. I am nearly 38 weeks pregnant & was nipping to the shop on my way home so phoned DP to ask did he want anything. Meaning a drink or a snack...
He asks me to buy him some cigarettes to which I point blank refuse and he goes into a bit of a strop that I won't get him some - I did smoke before pregnancy & we used to buy each other cigarettes if we were at the shop but obviously I don't smoke now! He says he 'doesn't know what the big deal is as they're not for me'.
I couldn't believe he would even ask me to buy some!! My argument is as I am heavily pregnant in my early 20s and there might even be a risk of me getting asked for ID (challenge 25 everywhere) which is embarrassing enough, but whilst pregnant I look like a terrible person for buying them. I will buy beer even though I'm not drinking it, but I see that as being slightly different.
I don't mind buying cigarettes if I'm not pregnant, so it's not that side of things it's the fact I don't want people to think I'm a heavily pregnant woman who smokes especially when I've done so well to give up cold turkey!

FYI, he is giving up smoking once baby comes as I've told him I am not letting our child be exposed to third hand smoke... But... AIBU?

[WorraLiberty]

checking their watches to see how long it will be before they can get home, make a cup of tea, fire up the laptop and slag you off on the Internet.

Rubbish!

They'd never be able to keep it in until they got home. They'll be standing behind her in the queue, tutting and posting from their mobile phones

[CatMilkMan]

Another YABU but I think you have got it now.
Most importantly congratulations on the baby! Also he should start trying to quit ASAP I can't recommend vaping enough.

[HoneyDragon]

And l would always assume OP was buying the ciggies for herself. And yes l would judge



And that is way you're not allowed a turn with my magical shiny absolving stick of awesome

[HoneyDragon]

*Why

[Pommes]

I'll give you another YANBU, Op.
Well done for quitting too.

[HoneyDragon]

I got pointedly tutted at in Costa for buying a double espresso (on my way back from the loo for a very hungover friend), so as not cause alarm I explained to the tutter "it ok it's not for me, it's for him" and nodded at ds standing next to me (who was six at the time). Then waddled off up the stairs.

[PlentyOfPubeGardens]

YANBU. Your DP probably doesn't appreciate just how much women's bodies are considered public property, especially when pregnant. Many people judge pregnant smokers extremely harshly. Why should you subject yourself to that just for his convenience?

whilst pregnant I look like a terrible person for buying them

It's worth remembering that around 12% of pregnant women are still smoking at the time of delivery. This is not, on the whole, because they are 'terrible people'. It's generally because they haven't managed to quit, despite trying really really hard. Labeling pregnant smokers as terrible people harms them and their DC by increasing their shame and making it harder for them to seek the support they need to quit. NICE now has to issue specific guidance to HCP's to help them deal with this problem.

It would be good if MN was a source of support to these 12% of PG women. At the moment I don't think it is on the whole, with the exception of the stop smoking topic which is a judgment-free zone. If there are any PG smokers reading this, please do come over for support, encouragement and advice

[MrsGentlyBenevolent]

I think yabu. I smoked before pregnancy, my partner has never done so, but would buy ciggis for friend/family if asked to as a favour. It's no different from buying booze, which I have done for partner. And he drinks some girly, fruit cider stuff - it's me who drinks beer in our house (obviously when not knocked up). Would have been easy for the cashier (who I see all the time), to 'assume' I may drink it, I honestly do not care (well, a small part of me wanted to yell 'it's not for me!', but I managed to restrain myself).

[MoonriseKingdom]

YANBU - I know I shouldn't care what other people think but when pregnant I would have been v upset about someone tutting or worse saying something nasty.

I am afraid to say that I don't believe your partner will quit for the baby. If he had genuine intention to quit he would have started when you got pregnant. The newborn period can be stressful enough without nicotine withdrawal. Would he consider trying an e- cigarette now? If he doesn't quit you will need to be very strict about hand washing/ clothes changes etc.

[ShadowLine]

I can see where OP's coming from. Unreasonable or not, i'd be feeling the same way and not wanting to buy the cigarettes.

Like it or not, people do judge, and I wouldn't want to have to be putting up with judgy looks or even comments for being a pregnant woman buying cigarettes, especially if they weren't for me. If I did buy them, I'd definitely be making loud comments about them being for DP, not me.

[bikeandrun]

Yanbu I was very sensitive when I was pregnant and would have hated the thought of a random stranger thinking I was doing something to harm my baby. Not rational but understandable.

[sharonthewaspandthewineywall]

But the difference is sanitary towels and breastpads aren't harmful to babies! I agree about the beer though whats the difference there?

[GlitzAndGigglesx]

A man buying pads is very different to a pregnant woman buying fags. I'd buy them for someone but know I'd get judged by every person around me in the shop

[GlitzAndGigglesx]

Oh and btw OP if he is serious about quitting get him to do it now! My DP said he'd quit when the twins came and I thought he had until he returned to work and I could smell it on him when he'd come in. Going cold turkey is really hard

[LadylikeCough]

YANBU. Perhaps he doesn't get how utterly obvious, stared-at and judged you can feel as a heavily-pregnant woman. It's totally your prerogative to choose whether you're up for being bolshy/confrontational/blase (of course they're not for me, you idiots, and I don't give a shit what you think), or would prefer not to expose yourself to this at all (especially since you're the one who's gone to the effort of giving up smoking). Cigarettes are different from booze, since they're almost always purchased for personal consumption.

[Katiepoes]

I think your partner is unreasonable, he should be quitting too even if only in support. However buying the fags - I bought a carton duty free for a colleague at 27 very obvious weeks and really enjoyed the look on the sales lady's face. My cheery 'so much cheaper duty free aren't they' may have put me on an evil-uncaring-bitch-from-hell list, it made my day! I am of course a twisted soul who enjoys such things so I suppose I think YABU for not taking the chance to be a public menace.

(I quit the day the test showed the line btw, that was Oct 1 2009 and not had once since, it can be done!)

[GammonAndEgg]

My DH planned to quit when I became pregnant.

DS is now 12 and he still hasn't managed it.

[SolidGoldBrass]

I appreciate that you don't want to be stared at or feel judged, and some people are incredibly officious and nosy. (In the past, I have more than once had a great deal of amusement from showing up people who had a go at me for smoking. Because of my body shape and rotten posture, I sometimes lookedquite pregnant in the past, when I wasn't pregnant, and now and again some idiot would decide to stick his beak in.)

However, if your partner is struggling to stop smoking, or doesn't want to stop smoking, don't turn it into a war. Set rules eg he only smokes outside and washes his hands before touching the baby. People are hysterically precious about second-hand smoke (yet most of them don't think twice about the millions of unnecessary car journeys they make) - it's not nuclear waste and, while a house where parents smoke heavily indoors with the windows shut is not good for DC, a parent smoking in the garden is no big deal. If ciagrette smoke was that harmful, the world population would be a fuck of a lot smaller than it is now.

[BalloonSlayer]

I agree YANBU.

And the sanitary products analogy is pathetic. No one is going to see a man with a packet of tampax and think they are for him are they?

[BalloonSlayer]

And I opened this thread thinking it was going to be a judgy one where the OP read "AIBU to judge a pregnant woman buying cigarettes"

[Bogeyface]

YANBU and I genuinely dont get how so many are saying you are!

FFS its hard enough giving up smoking (having recently done it myself, again ) without a) having your partner still merrily puffing away and b) being tempted to have "just one" if you are buying them for him!

And I agree that if he hasnt given up now then there isnt a cat in hells chance of him doing it after the baby comes. He is just putting it off because he doesnt want to quit, so the next excuse will be that he will quit when the baby sleeps through, after that...who knows, but there will be another excuse and another.

I gave up with vaping and am gradually cutting down the strength of the liquid and the amount of time I use it in a day and its working great. If you can get him onto one of them it would make a huge difference.

BTW, my husband has never bought cigarettes for me, he has always refused. He has never smoked. He never minded that I did but would never buy the fags for me and I dont think that he WBU in that.

[LoveChickens]

YANBU

[smokedgarlic]

YANBU at ALL! I refused to buy my husband a bottle of gin for his G&T when I was pregnant . Why should I be exposed to eye narrowing and tutting imaginary or otherwise. I would never have bought cigarettes either as I would not want to facilitate or enable someone's bad habits. If they want to smoke that badly they will go themselves.

[GoooRooo]

I am heavily pregnant. I wouldn't buy them either. YANBU.

[MrsGentlyBenevolent]

YANBU and I genuinely dont get how so many are saying you are!

It's because there are other instances where you could be buying something and be judged, we can't live our lives worried about what others think. The sanitary towel analogy isn't good, but there have be times where items I've bought looked iffy to say the least. Like the time I bought a couple of tins of dog food with a packet of mints on my lunch break! As an ex cashier, I should have remembered, I didn't give a crap what I was putting through as long as the person was old enough to buy it. We really cannot live our lives being concerned about these little things, anyone who would make an instant assumption about other people's shopping and therefore their lifestyle, really needs to get a grip.