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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated that Dp and I are the only ones who drive?

32 replies

Onedirectionarestillloved · 24/08/2015 10:39

I am a regular but have name changed. At the weekend a relative of Dp gad a birthday party for their child, both Dp and I were invited.
The mother of the child I will call A she doesn't drive.
The father of the child doesn't drive either.
A's mother can drive but doesn't like to.
A asked my Dp if he would take her to her mil to collect the food and then take the food along to the venue. He agreed, meanwhile relative B asked us for a lift to the venue plus her new partner whom neither of us had met.

We collected B and her partner then Dp dropped us at home whilst he went to collect A and take the food to the venue.

When he got their at the agreed time the food was not ready and there was a bouncy castle which also needed transporting!

Now because nothing was ready Dp did not have to time to drive all the way home and collect me, B and her partner so I had to drive there in my car. Now my car is very old and I aviod driving it were I can. I would love a newer car but cannot afford one at the moment.

Dp ended up taking A ,her child, A's mother ,sil's dd and the food.

He told A that he was not ramming a bouncy castle into his car and making 2 seperationrather journeys.

We got there and Dp and I bought a drink.

Everyone else was drinking pint after pint except for the grandad who was the only other family member driving.

The sil's partner does not drive neither does his family.
A had the nerve to ask if Dp would buy her a drink to which he said no.

B then proceeded to bemoan the fact that she has no money whilst drinking pints and smoking. She asked if Dp could buy her some medicine Dp said no as he wouldn't know what to buy her( she was coughing) he then suggested she give up smoking if she wanted to stop coughing.

Anyway Dp asked A what was happening at the end ie who needed a lift .

A then enquires as to weather I have room in my tiny car to take cartloads of stuff back for her. I didn't my car is not empty and the boot is full basically I was pissed off as if it weren't for her I wouldn't have been driving anyway.

To top it all Dp then tells B we were ready to leave and he would drop fed and her partner back at the station which is where we collected them from.
She then says oh no we need dropping back off at home as the bus service is limited today.

This is an extra 40 minute round trip drive away.

Nobody offered petrol money or bought either one of us a drink.
I would not have accepted it but I was brought up to always offer.

There is another family event approaching and quite frankly I'm dreading it as I don't want Dp and I to be used again like unpaid taxis.

Seems mean to say no you can't have a lift but really I find their behaviour very rude.

Would we be ok to say we will see you at x and if they ask for lifts make up an excuse as to not take them.

None of them live nearby so it is inconvenient and quite frankly, I want to travel with my Dp.

OP posts:
iAmNicolaMurray · 24/08/2015 10:42

Yanbu for feeling annoyed, but I think the issue isnt that you and your dp are the only drivers (which isnt strictly true as the mil can). The issue seems to be that they are rude, selfish and take the piss!

iAmNicolaMurray · 24/08/2015 10:44

Would we be ok to say we will see you at x and if they ask for lifts make up an excuse as to not take them.

Yes definitely ok! In fact it may be time to start saying "no we can't give you s lift because me and dp want to travel together, that's out of our way and all these lifts are costing us a fortune in petrol as well as time."

Original poster
Onedirectionarestillloved · 24/08/2015 10:47

True NicolaMurray.
I also want to add that I have no objection to giving lifts per sa I do it all the time but and get lifts too, but before I could offer a lift in return I always offered to buy the person a drink or offered them money, cars don't run on fresh air.

Plus I would never assume that someone would go so far out of their way for me eithe.

I think it is the feeling of being used that has irked me.

OP posts:
y0rkier0se · 24/08/2015 10:47

You need the mumsnet mantra of "sorry, that doesn't work for us, we'll see you there! Grin" Don't get caught up in making excuses, you're well within your rights to refuse

ImperialBlether · 24/08/2015 10:48

They were taking the piss.

Don't get involved in it all next time - say you're going somewhere else first and will be going together. When you want to leave, just get up and go.

And they should be buying your DP drinks, not the other way around!

Osolea · 24/08/2015 10:49

Be form next time and agree with your DH that you won't be giving lifts, then stick to it! If your DH wants to do a little bit to help out his family then I think that's up to him, but if he wants you there and you don't want to drive, then you should be his priority.

MyNewBearTotoro · 24/08/2015 10:53

Sounds like a nightmare! Completely reasonable to say no to offering lifts and leave people to make their own arrangements.

Although agree the issue isn't about the fact none of them can drive, it's their selfish entitlednesd. I don't drive and often rely on lifts from others but I always offer petrol money or some other way of saying thanks and make sure I'm on time etc. That's just common courtesy which it sounds like these people are missing.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 24/08/2015 10:56

Simply say no.

If you say yes then be very clear about what has been agreed and only do that, however awkward the situation. If they start feeling the consequences of messing you around they'll stop doing it. In the circumstances above, I'd have left if the food wasn't ready and it meant my own family was going to be late. I'm happy to help but not be messed around.

grapejuicerocks · 24/08/2015 10:56

Yanbu. She had the cheek to ask dp to buy her a drink Shock

How did they think they were going to get themselves and everything to a venue so far away? Did they ask dp for his help before they organised it, or did they assume?

GamerCh1ck · 24/08/2015 10:59

Can you not take no cars and just say you both fancy a drink?

It would probably be cheaper to get a taxi home than ferrying people about.

quietasamouse · 24/08/2015 11:12

I had a friend who asked for lifts so often that in the end she wasn't even bothering to "ask" and was just inviting me out then texting me to tell me when to pick her up! Cheeky cow. Funnily enough when I told her if she wanted a lift she needed to be at my house at a certain time the requests stopped!

Original poster
Onedirectionarestillloved · 24/08/2015 11:16

Grape no it was arranged first. I think this is what irritates so much.

I don't think either A or B seem to realise how annoying their behaviour is as they don't drive themselves.

With regards to getting a taxi it seems as though we are having to spend money just to stop others taking the piss out of us but maybe that is the answer.

I did hear B say to my Dp that he was on a good income so could afford to buy her the medicine!

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 24/08/2015 11:23

What is your DPs take on this?

In terms of her asking for a drink/medicine, it's his family, so he needs to handle that.

tabulahrasa · 24/08/2015 11:31

The problem isn't the driving in itself...I didn't drive for years, when I had birthday parties for the DC, I knew I couldn't drive and so booked and organised them accordingly.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/08/2015 11:35

I am a non car driver, rubbish at it, failed numerous tests, but I would never ever pull a stunt like that! They were rude, entitled and selfish, I would refuse future invites, or don't take your cars so you can't be taken advantage of again. They should have sorted this way before the party.

happymummyone · 24/08/2015 11:38

YANBU. At all. Just say no in future. Pisstakers!

MummaV · 24/08/2015 11:48

I dont drive but unless a lift is offered I would never expect it. To get to my grandparents for example (who have 3 cars between the 2 of them!) takes me 2 buses (or 25/30min uphill walks) and a train, with 4mo DD in her pram and I am happy to do this if a lift isn't offered (it's 11miles each way).

The only time lifts are expected is at Christmas when we are summoned to my grandparents with the rest of the family and there is no public transport and taxis cost triple the usual price. However as the whole family are going there are at least 3 cars driving past my house to get there and back.

Your family sound incredibly entitled. I'd be saying No in future.

Original poster
Onedirectionarestillloved · 24/08/2015 12:20

Thank you for the replies I thought I night get jumped on for being mean which neither of us are .

Dp feels the same as me so no more driving separately from now on and to make sure I think we will just say no to all lifts in future.

OP posts:
TheMaddHugger · 25/08/2015 13:12

have had a little experience with this but not to your extent.

Say NO. you are busy before and coming from a different direction and have no petrol for more

OR Say NO and say NO more

bikeandrun · 25/08/2015 13:44

I have a friend like this, doesn't drive, I offered to take her daughter out for a special day out( at my expense) was very busy sorting out picnic and had to be in as other children were being dropped off at mine. I explained I couldn't pick the girl up and she would have to bus her over ( 20 min max)I have given her lifts in the past but it really wasn't convinent today etc. Two minutes later text, her daughter wasn't well after all!
My sister doesn't drive, never asks for lifts and always offers to contribute buys the coffees if she accepts one. Some people are rude and ungrateful some aren't!

Glitteryarse · 25/08/2015 13:55

With regards to getting a taxi it seems as though we are having to spend money just to stop others taking the piss out of us but maybe that is the answer

This ^^ op, this happens in my family too. DP ends up having to do the same trip about 4-6 times. We drive most of the time becUse we can't afford taxis but people just see it as a chance to get pissed and not worry about getting home.

Waiting for some one to finish their pissed up good byes when we've been sat in the car waiting for ages gets me stabby.

I'm going to start saying we can only arrive there late and have to leave early. Angry

BrendaFlange · 25/08/2015 14:03

Helping out or giving someone a lift is fine - but it was WILDLY cheeky - rude and presumptuous - to ask for the lift all the way home , a 40 min trip!

Next time, decide what you are willing to do, offer that and refuse everything else with 'no sorry, as we couldn't drink at the last do we aren't driving this time, / only one of us is driving'.

What would they have done about the bouncy castle etc if they hadn't taken it for granted that your DP would act as van and man?

They sound lazy, entitled rude, resentful and disorganised, so whatever you do about lifts there will be grief one way or another.

BackforGood · 25/08/2015 14:13

I agree with the first reply - the issue isn't that you are the only two to drive, the issue is these people are completely taking the mick.

If you don't drive, then you don't make arrangements to host people that necessitate you driving. You get things delivered / get taxis / arrange a venue you can walk to or travel on the bus / host a different sort of 'do' altogether.

As others have advised, you need to learn to say "No, that doesn't work for us" too - you (+ dp) have to take responsibility for enabling them to take the mick.

MischiefInTheWind · 25/08/2015 14:23

YANBU.
I'm the only driver in my family, and my children are adults. They don't take the piss, they walk, train, bus and taxi just like OH does, and appreciate lifts rather than expecting them.
So be firm and friendly and don't get exploited.Say No when it doesn't suit you to give lifts.

Gabilan · 25/08/2015 14:24

"If you don't drive, then you don't make arrangements to host people that necessitate you driving"

Yes, that really. I can drive but haven't for years and don't have a car at the moment. I see that as my choice and don't expect other people to make up for it. I always try to work out ways to do things by public transport/ taxi/ bike. Only if I'm really pushed do I ask for a lift and then I offer something in exchange. (Doesn't have to be cash as some people are embarrassed by that. Usually wine or if it's a horse-riding friend, helping out with their horse).