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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be dreading DD's 1st birthday party?

37 replies

koalabearsears · 24/08/2015 10:27

DD turns 1 next month and we're having a party for her, as well as taking her to the zoo on the actual day.

Her dad and I are separated and I don't have any family so the party is basically going to be his relatives and extended family, obviously including MIL who I can't stand for various reasons.

There will be 14 adults in total and probably 2 other children, if that.

I'm dreading a day that should be special.

What do I do?!

OP posts:
Original poster
koalabearsears · 24/08/2015 10:28

Oh and it's being held at my (small) house Sad

OP posts:
NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 24/08/2015 10:34

Why are you hosting the party? Can't your ex host one with his family and you can do something separately, be that a party or a day out or a little tea together, whatever you want? There'll be a lot more birthdays to come, would you want this arrangement to confine every year?

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 24/08/2015 10:37

That should say continue every year.

I know her birthday is a big deal (my dd will be one soon! ) but she really won't care about a party, so please don't feel under pressure to host one if you don't want to. A simple day were you both enjoy yourselves would be absolutely fine by her, honest! :)

HodgePodge23 · 24/08/2015 10:39

I agree that your ex should host the party. Or consider not having one? I'm not going to bother with a party when my son turns one. I'm just going to take him somewhere nice on the day. 1st birthday parties aren't really for the child anyway, it's more for the adults.

Original poster
koalabearsears · 24/08/2015 10:41

My ex is currently living in his friend's spare room so there's nowhere to host it unfortunately. I'm worried that I'm going to feel left out in my own home, at my own baby's birthday party!

I want her to have balloons and cake etc but just without having a room full of his family.

OP posts:
TheHouseOnTheLane · 24/08/2015 10:43

It's because you've booked to go to the Zoo on the same day! Too much. Can you change the zoo day?

Osolea · 24/08/2015 10:45

If you've already agreed to this then there must be a positive somewhere, and if your mil has agreed to come to your house then hopefully that me as that she's willing to try and have an amicable relationship for the sake of her GD.

I think you should be positive and try and make the best of it. If it goes well, then you will have done a lovely thing to help facilitate your daughters relationship with her family. If it goes badly, then your dd is too young to notice and you'll know to avoid it next year.

HodgePodge23 · 24/08/2015 10:46

Have balloons and birthday cake minus his family. Your DD might sense that you're on edge and would probably be happier with just the two of you.

LazyLohan · 24/08/2015 10:46

If he can't have a party at your house why isn't his 'party' the zoo trip? Then you can have a private tea party at home with just you and a few people. When he drops her home or picks her up you could have a short period where he, MIL and your parents do the cake and balloons thing so nobody misses out.

Original poster
koalabearsears · 24/08/2015 10:50

Sorry, I meant to say that the zoo will be the day after her party and that will just be the 3 of us.

We haven't invited anyone yet so it's not too late to change plans, I just know that my ex will be pissed off with me as he's already said that I'm 'creating issues for myself'. Maybe I am, I don't know.

OP posts:
Osolea · 24/08/2015 10:53

Your ex sounds like an arse tbh. It's like he wants to have all the benefits of being being single at the same time as having all the benefits of being part of a family.

I'd assumed this was already arranged, but if it isn't and you don't want to invite people you don't like to your house, then don't do it! If your ex is going to be pissed off, then tell him that when he provides a home for his child, he can have family parties whenever he likes.

Beth2511 · 24/08/2015 10:53

My dd is 1 in november. Me ad OH are still great but recently have gone NC with his family whilst struggling with mine too. I have decided we are going to have a lovely dya out with dd and dsd the day before her birthday and then just chill at home.on her birthday.have ordered her a lovely cake that we will have as a family and told people they are welcome to pop in and see her but we aren't doing a party.

Is this something that could work?

Original poster
koalabearsears · 24/08/2015 10:54

My mum passed away a couple of years ago and my dad doesn't want to come on his own. I have no other family who live close by.

MIL has only seen DD 3 times in 11 months due to her refusal not to smoke around her. She visited last week full of cold as well as a chest infection, kissing DD. She infuriates me!

OP posts:
Original poster
koalabearsears · 24/08/2015 10:58

Beth that sounds like a really good idea. I think I could handle that. We were NC with his parents but he randomly decided to get back in touch with them a month ago.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 24/08/2015 11:03

I really wouldn't bother with this, OP. Life's too short to invite such stress upon yourself.

I don't 'get' parties for babies anyway, as they'll have absolutely no memory of them whatsoever...however I do get that some adults just like to celebrate with family and friends 'on behalf of' the baby.

But in your case you're not even looking forward to celebrating with family/friends, so what is the actual point?

Just buy the baby some cake and balloons, so you can take some nice keepsake photos.

Dowser · 24/08/2015 11:13

I wouldn't put up with that. Have you got one of those play park places near you. You know indoor ball pool, soft play. I'd just say you are going there and his family are welcome to pop in .

Sounds like a controlling ex. Don't be scared of him. Tell him you'll pop in to his mothers with her and take the cake there.

littlejohnnydory · 24/08/2015 11:43

I wouldn't bother with the party. If he wants to have one for her, let him - for him and his family. Just take her to the zoo and have a tea party at home. That's plenty for a one year old. My dd will be one in the Autumn and we'll just be having cake at home with her brother and sisters.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 24/08/2015 12:14

I agree neutral territory is a better idea. I would be reluctant to host his family in your home too. The dad can't host anything at his mate's place and your MIL resents being asked not to smoke around the baby but they want to join in. As already stated your DD is too little to know what's going on. Keep it low key and don't try and please everyone. One afternoon playing happy families doesn't wipe the slate clean but it sets the tone for future co-operation and goodwill.

designedbynature · 24/08/2015 12:18

Keep it short, keep it out of the house and use Nap time as an excuse to bail?

For my DD's first Birthday we did soft play party (they had a baby section) with BLW foods and then everyone went home to out babies down to nap.

Then have some time alone or with a very close friend and do balloons and candles again in the evening?

HackerFucker22 · 24/08/2015 12:42

Can I ask how the whole party came about to begin with? Who instigated it? Who decided where it was to be held?

Do you have any friends who can come to even your numbers out?

I'd like to think thay everyone attending is an adult and can be civil for a few hours?

RiverTam · 24/08/2015 12:47

Small tea party for immediate family only. That's sad your dad doesn't want to come on his own, though understandable of course. Is there any way you could think of making his role special so he'd attend?

Or just trip to the zoo (though I think that's pretty wasted on a 1year-old anyway).

It's a photo op for adults really. Baby won't give a stuff!

AliceInUnderpants · 24/08/2015 12:52

Why are you hosting a get-together for him and his family. I'd drop that for a start - he can host it. If his house isn't suitable, what about his mother's, or hiring a venue.
The zoo.... "the 3 of us"... is that you, your DD and your ex? If so, that's got bad idea written all over it, imo.

IceBeing · 24/08/2015 12:54

You absolutely do NOT have to hold a party if you don't want to.

Ally1234 · 24/08/2015 12:57

I would not host it at your house. Obviously your ex is not in a position to hold it where he is staying but what about his mums? Otherwise I'd suggest he take dd to an indoor play centre with his family, and you take her to the zoo. She is 1 and wont have the faintest clue what is going on.

Bellebella · 24/08/2015 12:58

Why then host a party?

I get on with all my family but some members don't talk to others and can make gatherings really awkward. I don't even bother now, it's so much stress trying to do it. Family visit/we visit them leading up to Ds's birthday and then on his actual birthday we take him out for the day and just make the day about him. My nan gets annoyed about it and thinks he should have a family tea party like my younguys cousins but it's not worth the hassle. Birthdays are special and are about the child not the family.