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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU - DB making no time for DF.

28 replies

LittleMissLady · 24/08/2015 10:17

DF lives at minimum 1.5 hours from DB (only 1 hour from me). DB has 2 preschool kids and both he and SIL work full time.
They do have a set schedule for the week where the DC have some days with grandma, some nursery days, mummy day, daddy day and one family day.
They are incredibly protective of their family time. Nothing and nobody is allowed to intrude into this time.

I also have 2 preschool DC. In fact I have one preschool and 1 baby. I don't work, but DP does, 6 days a week so we also only get 1 family day.

DF had a stroke a few years back that has left him with several side effects, one being that he has started falling over a lot. Few weeks ago he fell during the night and was stuck on the floor for over an hour until he managed to wake his partner by yelling who called the paramedics who helped him up when they got there. His partner could not help him up as simply not strong enough (both into their 60's).

To my point: I have constant email contact with DF and go to see him as much as I can.
I have copied DB into the emails about his fall and paramedic incident.
DB has not contacted him, by phone, text or email once. Claims he does not have the time. Says they can't go and visit to see if DF is ok or just to visit as its too far and they don't have the time.

AIBU to be severely pissed off at him for this? WIBU to say something to DB?
He found the time to contact him several months ago when he needed to borrow money but now can't find the time to even email him to say he has heard about his falls and is he ok.

Should I mind my own business?

OP posts:
Osolea · 24/08/2015 10:26

I think you do have to mind your own business, but YANBU to be pissed off that your brother hasn't even contacted his dad by phone or email.

I think it's understandable that they don't visit often if they are both working full time, and it's not helpful for you to compare the time they have to what you have with a SAHP.

Your brother should make more effort with his dad, but unfortunately you can't make him.

BeCarefulWithThat · 24/08/2015 10:30

Your DB sounds very selfish. I feel sorry for your DF.

How was their relationship before any of the health problems came up? I'm just wondering if there is a history of bad feeling between them.

Rhine · 24/08/2015 10:30

He should be making time for your DF. However I've noticed that once some people get married and have children they become the centre of their universe, to the event that they lose interest in their own parents and siblings a bit.

My own Dad's brother was like this a bit with my Nana, she had continually poor health in her later years and whilst they rest of the family would drop everything if something happened this particular brother absolutely would not if he had already planned to do something with his wife or grown up children. I remember one occasion where she was taken into hospital and he refused to go down because he and his wife were going out for lunch, no special occasion, but they were going for lunch and they were not going to change their plans for anyone. He would get incrediably defensive when challenged about it so in the end they just let him get on with it but it caused huge resentment.

Tiggeryoubastard · 24/08/2015 10:32

Yanbu to be pissed off. You would be vvu to say anything. His life, his choice.
That's assuming you both had normal, happy childhoods. For all we know your dan could have been unhappy due to your father. In which case you'd be vvu to be pissed off.

Tiggeryoubastard · 24/08/2015 10:32

Your dan should read your db.

Original poster
LittleMissLady · 24/08/2015 10:36

Before he had DC DB would call DF at least once a week for around an hour to catch up etc. was happy to visit him at his home or have DF visit at db's home or other family members home etc.

It did all change after DC were born.

I wanted to sound it out before I emailed DB or anything as I feel I want to say something, on behalf of DF but kind of don't feel I should...

OP posts:
CassieBearRawr · 24/08/2015 11:03

If my brother were doing that you can bet he'd get an earful from me. There certainly wouldn't be any "oh it's his choice leave him alone" about it, he may choose to opt out of family obligations but he doesn't get to opt out of the family's reaction to that. Especially the family who is having to pick up the slack from him. But then we have a close relationship and our family has a history of taking care of older/ill relatives, so perhaps I am in a position where I could say/do that, I don't know what your relationship with your brother is like.

Tiggeryoubastard · 24/08/2015 11:03

No, you absolutely shouldn't. Not your place to, at all. But once again, I don't blame you for being miffed. Just take comfort from the fact that he's seemingly being a good dad.

LazyLohan · 24/08/2015 11:15

What was DBs childhood like? How is his relationship with your father?

I say this because I grew up in a family where my elder brother was very much the favourite child and I was very much excluded and ignored (and worse, basically neglected and treated very badly) while he was given the best of everything. I'm in contact with my parents but I feel no duty to take on caring responsibilities. They did the bare minimum to look after me when I was little so I don't feel any duty to look after them now.

Could there be some sort of reason in your brothers relationship with him? It seems odd he's not even called him.

Original poster
LittleMissLady · 24/08/2015 11:17

Being a good dad, yes. He is besotted with his DC and family but the DC don't know their grandad as they see him 2/3 times a year. See us 5/6 times a year. See considerably more of sil's family.

I think DB is only going to understand the choice he has made when one of his DC makes the same choice in 30 years time and it will suddenly hit DB how hurtful it will have been to my dad. But I can't force it.
I'm not pissed off exactly. Sad I guess. I can see my dad hurting and not saying anything as he doesn't want to cause upset.

Thanks for opinions

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMissLady · 24/08/2015 11:21

My recollection of our childhoods is that we were all treated quite equally. DB in question is the eldest and had the rough and the smooth.

DB was family orientated up til he had DC. Once DC appeared it's like DB and SIL turned off their radar and fell off the face of the planet. Except for birthdays and Christmas.
So I, personally, don't think there is a past issue unless it has happened around the time of DC appearing and then I wouldn't know about it.

OP posts:
Optimist1 · 24/08/2015 11:39

You've kept your brother updated about the situation by copying him in on emails, so I'm guessing that he feels he's up to speed and there's no need for action on his part.

Is there anything to stop your father phoning or emailing your brother? (I'm all too familiar with older family members who seem to rely on their younger relations initiating contact!)

Not that I don't see where you're coming from LittleMiss , but I wanted to balance the view a bit.

Original poster
LittleMissLady · 24/08/2015 11:44

Over the last couple of years dad has stopped calling and emailing as they go unanswered. Db's phone is nearly always on silent and he rarely picks up. Texts get read and not replied to, emails get read and not replied to. Unless you email at the right time, late evening (11ish) when he might reply instantly.
A missed call won't be returned. So DF has given up.

SIL on the other hand is very good at returning emails equally rubbish at calls/texts but DF doesn't feel quite comfortable emailing her to rely to his son etc. I can sort of see what he means but I see them as a unit and nearly always go through SIL if I need DB as that's pretty much the only way to get in contact. Although this has to take place during office hours as that is where she will reply.

I'm just gonna have to let it go. Just sad is all

OP posts:
Optimist1 · 24/08/2015 11:53

Hmmm ... that's tricky. I agree that making your SIL the one responsible for all family communication is a bit unfair on her, too.

Original poster
LittleMissLady · 24/08/2015 11:56

Over the last couple of years dad has stopped calling and emailing as they go unanswered. Db's phone is nearly always on silent and he rarely picks up. Texts get read and not replied to, emails get read and not replied to. Unless you email at the right time, late evening (11ish) when he might reply instantly.
A missed call won't be returned. So DF has given up.

SIL on the other hand is very good at returning emails equally rubbish at calls/texts but DF doesn't feel quite comfortable emailing her to rely to his son etc. I can sort of see what he means but I see them as a unit and nearly always go through SIL if I need DB as that's pretty much the only way to get in contact. Although this has to take place during office hours as that is where she will reply.

I'm just gonna have to let it go. Just sad is all

OP posts:
2rebecca · 24/08/2015 13:39

Does your brother contact your mum or is she dead? I note your father is with someone you just call "his partner" does your brother maybe not get on with her?
I think it's a shame your brother doesn't phone your dad more. Visiting can be awkward if 1 1/2 hours and 2 small kids and nowhere to stay. I'm not sure what the paramedic fall has to do with the frequency of his visits, it wasn't another stroke and your brother visiting wouldn't alter anything.
I have no idea how often my brother phones my dad, suspect it is weekly but wouldn't see it as my job to tell him what to do if it was less frequently. Your dad has a partner so isn't on his own.
It would be nice for your dad if your brother was in touch more but you don't get to control his life and try and make it more like yours.

Original poster
LittleMissLady · 24/08/2015 14:28

Not trying to make it his life more like mine, actually quite puzzled as to how you got that impression!!
I visit my dad more easily as I don't work so have week days to go. DB could also go on a weekday when he is at home with his DC. His kids are older then mine, slightly, so if I can cope he could too.
That's aside. The paramedic incident I've highlighted here because this is by far the worst fall he has had and DB is aware of it and even knowing about this still can't be bothered to make contact. Even by phone or email.

There is no issue with dads partner. Dad simply hasn't remarried after divorcing hence using he term partner. Partner is welcome at db's house with dad and there's no issue there at all that I know of

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMissLady · 24/08/2015 14:30

Even though dad has a partner and isn't living alone, if his partner is unable to help him up after a fall or if he gets stuck in the bath/bed/whatever then it is still a big worry. Thankfully his partner is there to call for help if needed, although I have now convinced DF to carry his mobile around in his pocket instead of leaving it a careful place!!

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMissLady · 24/08/2015 14:32

Mum is not dead, no. Mum actually cares for db's DC several times a week. But if it wasn't for this involvement in their lives, we are all aware that mum wouldn't get a look in either as he wouldn't make time. Mum is aware that once both DC are in school full time she will lose the access and closeness she has to the DC as DB and SIL will simply continue as they are with their family life and mum won't be needed anymore.
This is coming from my mum not me. She has said this to me and is deeply saddened at the growing prospect

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMissLady · 24/08/2015 14:37

Mum is not dead, no. Mum actually cares for db's DC several times a week. But if it wasn't for this involvement in their lives, we are all aware that mum wouldn't get a look in either as he wouldn't make time. Mum is aware that once both DC are in school full time she will lose the access and closeness she has to the DC as DB and SIL will simply continue as they are with their family life and mum won't be needed anymore.
This is coming from my mum not me. She has said this to me and is deeply saddened at the growing prospect

OP posts:
Theycallmemellowjello · 24/08/2015 14:38

I think you might be being a bit harsh actually. He's got two very young children and both parents are working FT - that is actually pretty exhausting. I get that you are in a similar situation (but actually one parent SAH makes a massive difference, as I know having experienced both situations) and managed better - but some people deal with stress differently to others. The kids are not going to be this age forever, and given that they're both pre-school, the limited contact situation hasn't actually been going on that long. I think YABU to complain about the general set-up.

However, the fact that he hasn't contacted your father is pretty bad. I don't think this is really connected with the general way he lives his life, and I don't think you should conflate the two. I think it would be fine to get in touch with DB and tell him how much his DF would appreciate hearing from him, and that it would be mean not to get in touch. If you are spending time with your DF that you wouldn't if DB got in touch, then I think it's ok to tell your DB that he needs to pull his weight. But beyond that, I don't think you can force him to do anything.

goblinhat · 24/08/2015 14:40

It's not really your business.

My sister has visited our mother 4 times in 35 years. That's not my business either.

junebirthdaygirl · 24/08/2015 14:41

About the falling could your dad have an alarm on his wrist so if he fell while alone he could assess help. My mom has one and when she fell she barely had to press button and could hear a voice speaking to her who got her help immediately. It was fantastic. I come from a big family. We all contact dm at varying times. Some much more than others but we don't interfere. We all have to answer to our own standards. Your db is being mean but there is nothing you can do. If later you end up actually caring for your dad that's when you can say something as he has to pull his weight there.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 24/08/2015 14:48

I think you are being unreasonable. Just because you are willing and able to do more, want to do these things, your brother is under no obligation to do or feel the same way. You're just different people, he should not be guilted into doing anything. I'm sorry your dad had an accident a few weeks ago, but don't know why it's relevant to your brother's situation, you've said he lives further from you, works full time, what exactly are you expecting from him? Some people just focus on their immediate situations, with him it's young family and his work - that's his perogative, leave him to it and certainly mind your own business.

Nanny0gg · 24/08/2015 15:11

No, you absolutely shouldn't. Not your place to, at all

Why on earth isn't it the OP's place?

It's her father and brother! Why isn't she allowed to discuss the situation?