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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to go on holiday with friend again...

57 replies

holidayponderings · 23/08/2015 21:37

we spent a week this summer on holiday with friends - we both have children. we stayed on a campsite in the uk. we went together last year and had a good time, we have 6 dc altogether, the 3 youngest were babies then but this year are toddlers and i think that changed the dynamics hugely.

we knew there would be differences as we parent differently, and have different morals/values. we rub up alongside each other ok normally - and tolerate each others differences, and have never fallen out about anything.

we give our children boundaries eg - you can go and play but stay in sight at all times. they just allow theirs to wander free - and were brought back several times by strangers. (they have 2 toddlers)

we ask ours to stay seated for meals until everyone is finished - theirs get up and wander about with food in their hands.

we do not allow ours to graze on snacks or waste food - theirs constantly open a snack, take one bite and discard it - several times throwing the item on the floor. half hour later taking another item of food.

their kids were also fairly unkind to ours - saying things like no you cant play with me, i'll play if i can choose the game etc... and when the older one did play he stropped off at the slightest thing - eg if my ds rode his bike faster then their ds, he cried and ran to the tent and refused to play. cue my ds saying come and play i'll let you ride faster than me.

they did nothing to encourage their dc to be kind to my children and i ended up taking my dc on day trips as i felt very fraught with it all.

we are booked to go away again and i am not looking forward to it at all - i think we should sit down together as a 4some without the kids and talk about the difficulties, and listen to what their irritations were - but my dh is not keen to do so.....just wants to get on with it.

AIBU to insist we either sit down and discuss things, or cancel the trip? i just don't know what to do......

OP posts:
chumbler · 23/08/2015 21:39

a sit down discussion sounds a bit much. did you not raise any concerns as and when things happened?

VerityWaves · 23/08/2015 21:40

I just wouldn't go again. They would have picked up on it and if they are not the type to do anything at the time, v unlikely they will respond to a sit down chat I would have thought...

FarFromAnyRoad · 23/08/2015 21:40

I suppose the question that leaps first into mind is WHY did you book to go again without discussing the issues? Just why?

NorbertDentressangle · 23/08/2015 21:40

With the holiday that's already booked is there any scope for going your own separate ways for the large part of the days and then maybe meeting up for the odd activity or meal? Or are you 'together' with no escape?

whattodohatethis · 23/08/2015 21:40

I doubt the holiday would go ahead if you sat down. Because it is basically saying "your way of parenting sucks, here is my way, this is how you should do it" and that will annoy them.
Their way (bar the kids wandering off) isn't necessarily wrong, it is just different to yours. I wouldn't like mine to behave like that but each to their own.

If this is a deal breaker then just don't go

RandomMess · 23/08/2015 21:43

They will be older next time and the dynamics will have changed again...

I would just plan some more day trips out to limit the amount of time you are around together.

starlight2007 · 23/08/2015 21:46

If you didn't enjoy it ..don't go again....Cancel..Holidays are too sort to spend them not enjoying yourself..

I would find a tactful way to get out of it. Why is it booked in advance?

WorraLiberty · 23/08/2015 21:52

Why have you booked to go away with them again?

It sounds like you really need to avoid doing this, until all the kids are older and even then, only if they get along well.

As long as you list of gripes is, I expect her list will be just as long.

So I don't see the point in going away with them again.

MudCity · 23/08/2015 21:52

Don't go on another holiday. As Starlight said, holidays are too few and far between to spend them with people you aren't seeing eye to eye with.

Find an excuse that you can't go.

Original poster
holidayponderings · 23/08/2015 21:52

Chumbler - we said a few things at the time, eg dont open the crisps darling, i think you've already got an apple on the table.....to the dc within earshot of the parent. eg if you can't play nicely then x (our dc) can't come and play at the moment...(when he'd been rejected for the last half hour then asked to play) again within earshot of parent. we'd not spoken directly to the parents as we know they find their dc behaviour difficult sometimes and didn't want to criticize.

Far - the next trip was booked months ago.

norbert - yes i guess we could meet up at breakfast and then go off for the day and meet at dinner maybe.....there is scope for that....the menfolk are both great at just pottering off and saying see you later

its not a dealbreaker, i just was so sad for my dc, i'd never seen their dc be that unkind :(

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 23/08/2015 21:57

Why put yourself through it again though?.

middleeasternpromise · 23/08/2015 22:29

This is a common experience I'm afraid, some of the people I've loved longest and dearest I dislike as parents. It's just a fact of life but my advice would be don't attempt 'the chat' not unless you want to see what happens when you get between a wild animal and its off spring - don't do it I am just about ready to contemplate joint hols now that everyone's kids are hormonal adolescents who don't get out of bed

mynameismskane · 23/08/2015 22:54

Cancel!

Spadequeen · 23/08/2015 23:05

There's no way I would go away with them again. Doesn't mean you can't be friends but in my experience if you don't parent in the same way it won't work - ever.

Original poster
holidayponderings · 23/08/2015 23:30

i knew you'd all say cancel.

now i have no idea how i'd cancel as we have to partly go on the trip....

basically we booked as we have to travel to the area to take one of our dc for an important appointment, while we are there we said we'd make a few days of it and have a short break and so we booked for several days.

told friend our plans and she asked if she could join us after our appointment and have a break altogether. i said yes and she booked to join us.

that was several months ago, and its all booked and paid for......i never thought the summer holiday would go tits up :(

OP posts:
wickedwaterwitch · 23/08/2015 23:48

God, just cancel the next trip! And going away with other families

Topseyt · 23/08/2015 23:56

Cancel the next trio.

Say you have been told that you or DH (or both) have been told that you can no longer be spared for that amount of time off work at that point.

Perhaps they will know someone else who might like to go instead so might pay you your share back.

If not then I'd still cancel anyway.

Topseyt · 23/08/2015 23:57

Trip, not trio. Autocorrect again!!

goddessofsmallthings · 23/08/2015 23:58

'A few days' doesn't sound as onerous as a week with these friends and, as you've been forewarned by your latest holiday with them, you can forearm yourself by planning day trips for your family and giving some thought to strategies which may head any differences between the dc off at the pass.

As for parenting styles, you've got yours and they've got theirs and you're best advised not to plan or allow any more 'group' holidays to happen until they converge which, from what you've said, isn't likely to occur in this lifetime.

hookiewookiedoodah · 24/08/2015 00:01

Oooh we've been in this situation!!
Friends of ours sound just like your friends-their children behave terribly;for almost exactly the same reasons as yours, but the way they let them speak to them made me cringe.The daughter called her mum a stupid fat cow,and a dozey idiot....she had full blown-lie-on-the-floor-kicking-and-screaming-tantrums if she couldn't get her own way-she was 11 !......the boy actually slapped his dad across the back of the head when he was told "No".....they were never chastised, and there was always an excuse for their behaviour.Me and DH get on with the mum and dad really well, but as the kids have got older,they've got worse.
Last September, they moved to a bigger house and said they couldn't afford to come away with us this year......I won't be raising the subject for next year!
As you've already paid, I think you'll have to go on this holiday,grit your teeth,drink lots of wine and try to let some of it go over your head.And never book to go with them again!!

missingmumxox · 24/08/2015 00:02

to be honest your friend sounds like a nightmare...but you sound like a nightmare to me as well, there is a middle way...your on Holiday...loosen the fuck up and get your other half to do some parenting, its not difficult.

I have a lovely, lovely friend who you sound like and the "horrible" children who won't play, don't play because hers are really Awful, I have witnessed her son just walk past mine and quick glance round thinks no one is looking, and just tipped the cake out of my sons hand, I was upstairs in the bedroom and decided to open the window, my son...who can be an utter shit at times , just stood there, then burst into tears, My friend dealt with the situation by saying there,there, at 10 my children have learnt not to tell her it is her child who did X. she tells them not to tell lies.
n child is perfect, nor is any parent.

familygermsareok · 24/08/2015 00:49

I wouldn't necessarily cancel as you've already booked and have to go for the appt anyway. A few days shouldn't be as bad, especially if you do separate things during the day.
It sounds like the main issue is the DCs not getting on all that well. Toddlers can be quite mean to each other and it's hard to watch when yours seem to be coming off worst. It won't necessarily always be like that though as they grow up.
If they are not together all day this will be less of a problem and if the friendship is otherwise strong putting up with a few days now might be the best solution. But if you are going to find it thoroughly miserable then yes, make an excuse and cancel.

I suspect we have been the 'lax' parents on shared holidays and I'm sure our friends have privately raised their eyebrows at some of our parenting, but they have been kind enough never to say and we make an effort not to undermine their rules.
Our DCs have always got on very well though which makes a big difference. We are still very good friends Smile

AlfAlf · 24/08/2015 00:57

Is the next trip a campsite too? If so, can you camp more separately and so have your own space? So you can meet up for fun things but aren't stuck together, sharing half eaten snacks resources etc..

KeyserSophie · 24/08/2015 02:59

To be honest, I would probably just email and say "Look, I've been thinking about this trip. I'm just not sure I can deal with another x days of playing referee between the DC. They're just not gelling at the moment. I think we should leave it until the dynamic changes"

I have done similar with good friends re. regular playdates which are just not working out, and they're usually thinking the same thing. It's amazing what a difference a year can make.

These things only ever work if you have similar parenting styles or there's scope for compromise, which in your situation sounds unlikely (I wouldn't be happy with constant grazing or unsupervised toddlers either, even if just for a week).

However, I also think you need to get your DH to participate and not just leave you to it. That might make things a lot more manageable.

hebihebi · 24/08/2015 03:22

It sounds like you can't really cancel. I'd just take things easy for a few days. Keep your kids busy and distracted.