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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to go on holiday with friend again...

57 replies

holidayponderings · 23/08/2015 21:37

we spent a week this summer on holiday with friends - we both have children. we stayed on a campsite in the uk. we went together last year and had a good time, we have 6 dc altogether, the 3 youngest were babies then but this year are toddlers and i think that changed the dynamics hugely.

we knew there would be differences as we parent differently, and have different morals/values. we rub up alongside each other ok normally - and tolerate each others differences, and have never fallen out about anything.

we give our children boundaries eg - you can go and play but stay in sight at all times. they just allow theirs to wander free - and were brought back several times by strangers. (they have 2 toddlers)

we ask ours to stay seated for meals until everyone is finished - theirs get up and wander about with food in their hands.

we do not allow ours to graze on snacks or waste food - theirs constantly open a snack, take one bite and discard it - several times throwing the item on the floor. half hour later taking another item of food.

their kids were also fairly unkind to ours - saying things like no you cant play with me, i'll play if i can choose the game etc... and when the older one did play he stropped off at the slightest thing - eg if my ds rode his bike faster then their ds, he cried and ran to the tent and refused to play. cue my ds saying come and play i'll let you ride faster than me.

they did nothing to encourage their dc to be kind to my children and i ended up taking my dc on day trips as i felt very fraught with it all.

we are booked to go away again and i am not looking forward to it at all - i think we should sit down together as a 4some without the kids and talk about the difficulties, and listen to what their irritations were - but my dh is not keen to do so.....just wants to get on with it.

AIBU to insist we either sit down and discuss things, or cancel the trip? i just don't know what to do......

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 24/08/2015 10:41

If you are travelling separately and arrive at the campsite first, could you ask for a pitch separate from theirs, or would that cause practical problems with sharing equipment like camping stoves, BBQ etc? I think a little bit of physical distance would stop much of the kids falling out.

If this isn't possible I agree that days out are the way to go. Maybe share a couple of meals with the other family. I would suggest that the dads don't just go off and do their own thing and leave you and the other mum to it with the kids. They need to do their bit keeping their eyes on the kids and take part in games with them. Sometimes just leaving them to their own devices is asking for DC like your friend's to start whining or refusing to play unless they win every time, because your DC can't escape to somewhere else if they are in the next tent along, and if your DH is there playing with them he can mediate.

GloriaHotcakes · 24/08/2015 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vintagebeads · 24/08/2015 11:34

You biggest problem is you are the only one dealing with it.
From your post both dh fuck off somewhere and as your friend isnt keeping an eye on her kids you feel like it falls to you.
So,either go and have plenty of time away from them or cancel.
But don't mention holiday plans again.

NorbertDentressangle · 24/08/2015 12:13

girlywhirly the trouble is if they have a pitch away from the friends the free range children of the friends will just wander over anyway and they won't be able to get rid of them.

YouTheCat · 24/08/2015 12:49

Tell your dh he will not be buggering off anywhere unless he takes kids with him because it's your break too.

Plan day trips with your family so you aren't in each others' pockets.

It sounds like it's only a few days anyway so I'd just get on with it and then never go away with these people again.

loveandsmiles · 24/08/2015 13:09

We did a Centre Parcs holiday with another family once - never seen them since!! It wasn't that either of us were particularly awful, just our idea of holidays and parenting was very different.

It was with someone I worked with and initially it was just going to be mums and kids. However her DH wanted to come so I brought mine too - they did not get on at all. Then, when we are on holiday we don't like cooking so eat out but they had brought all food with them. We let DCs stay up later because on holiday, their DC had to stick to their bedtime routine of 6.30pm, and so the differences went on........

Would never go on holiday with another family againGrin

girlywhirly · 24/08/2015 15:06

Although, Norbert, if the OP's family are still planning on going for days/part days out, they can simply say to the friends kids 'sorry, we are going out today, you need to go back to your tent now.' Then others can berate free range kids parents for letting them wander instead.

LikeABadSethRogenMovie · 24/08/2015 15:13

This is one of those threads I would LOVE to hear the other side Grin

girlywhirly · 25/08/2015 15:35

Unfortunately, the OP told the friend that they had booked, she asked if they could join them, OP said yes. The way I'm reading it is that it was booked before the holiday that went wrong, and that is why the OP is regretting it.

I still think the best way to manage it is to let the other family know that OP's family will be out and about, and can't say what they will be doing where or when as it will depend on the weather etc. Suggest two or three get togethers during the break.

Also make sure that DH is with her and not swanning off with the other dad and leaving her watching wandering toddlers. Then make a vow to not share holidays again.

StonedGalah · 25/08/2015 15:45

I think you just have to suck up the next holiday. But be more assertive to your friend.

we have friends who parent differently to us and while l love catching up and having a day out have resisted any holidays as l know it would do my head in. And maybe ruin the friendship.

rookiemere · 25/08/2015 16:48

I'm unclear what the sleeping arrangements are for the forthcoming trip.

Are you sharing an apartment ?

If so then do the separate cars, days out with just your family, only one or two meals together and mostly breakfast. Do low stress meals like a BBQ so it's less of an issue if their DC don't sit down for it.

TBH I'm wondering a wee bit why their DCs wasting food is of interest to you unless it's a joint food kitty. If this is the case then suggest that treats/extras are bought separately, but if its only for a few days I'd probably suck up that aspect of it.

We share with 2 other families every other year and the first time was difficult - DS was a ridiculously fussy eater at that time and I nearly wept every evening when salmon and sweet potatoes were served up as a children's meal. Now some of their DCs are quite fussy Grin. Everyone has their own way of doing things, particularly parenting, so now you know what the hot spots are then you can try to avoid them.

We always have a fab time at CP as whilst we share holidays, we don't share a villa and that has worked out well for us.

Oh and don't share with them again.

Original poster
holidayponderings · 25/08/2015 18:07

to answer some Qs - the food thing is of interest to me because yes its a joint kitty. we went overbudget on kids snacks because her dc would want xyz...then they were given things (constantly) that were bitten once and rejected. very frustrating when i was saying no - wait now till lunchtime, to my own dc.

i said dh are good are pottering off - i meant with the kids....they are both good at scooping up and saying come on now lets do xyz. my dh will try and get ours involved in a game of cards or something if he can see they are not coping with the dynamics. its easy in a field to potter off and look at the sheep and to be fair both dh did do this with the toddlers. as parents we all mucked in - sorry i phrased that wrong, it wasnt just the mums doing the work.

i dont perceive mine as the good kids and hers as naughty. didnt want to dripfeed but my older ones both have SN so i am ultra aware of not allowing them to run around like loons (they would given an inch), thats why we insist they sit to eat until everyone is finished etc, we try to encourage calm polite behaviour - and thats why we like joint family holidays because of their SN we hoped it would be a really positive embracing experience for them like the previous years. friends own comment to me was that our friendship helps us relax a bit as parents, and them parent a bit more....

next trip is 2 nights together in hotel - meals with be packed lunches and hotel breakfasts/dinners. we generally avoid eating out together because they find it too difficult with their fussy eaters. so not sure how that will pan out.....

OP posts:
rookiemere · 25/08/2015 18:09

Ok two nights doesn't sound that bad presumably you aren't all sharing a room and if the meals are included then you don't need to worry about costs.

Original poster
holidayponderings · 25/08/2015 18:25

food not included....we've just paid for 2 rooms. and the tickets to the attraction that we are spending the 2 days at.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 25/08/2015 18:45

Ok but at least it's hotel/restaurant meals so just make sure that it's split equitably and they can worry about their own wastage.

Also different dynamic as if you're at an attraction DCs will be hopefully involved in viewing or doing that, so less opportunity for them to cause friction with each other.

It does sound as if there are less opportunities to be annoyed at each other in this scenario and it's only 2 nights.

Branleuse · 25/08/2015 18:54

in all honesty i think it sounds like youve made passive aggressive digs at their parenting in earshot, when they wanted a chilled holiday and are more free range parents than you. You may find that they dont want to go on holiday with you again either if your styles are so different.

If you do go, I think youre going to need to compromise

girlywhirly · 25/08/2015 20:32

Well, I think having to sit at the table in the hotel dining room will benefit the friends DC because wandering around with food in their hands is generally frowned upon. It's harder to stick to the rules when camping.

It will be easier for you to separate your food and snack costs and the short duration of this stay is very manageable. I totally appreciate your need to stick to your usual rules and manners with your older DC as they have SN. The other family may well choose not to eat dinner at the hotel unless there is either a buffet selection or a special children's menu.

However, for future holidays you have lots to think about from this thread and whether you still think they benefit both families equally.

hebihebi · 26/08/2015 05:25

I think if you pull out now or "have a chat" it will cause problems. It sounds like the next trip will be shorter and easier in someways. I'd just suck it up and if they ask to go on holiday again you can decline.

takemetomars · 26/08/2015 05:49

is 'free range' parenting a thing??
Sounds like a term for 'letting our kids do what they want'. Please correct me if I am wrong

rookiemere · 26/08/2015 08:15

Takeme - I understand there is a bit of a difference between "free range" and "couldn't be arsed" parenting.

Free range is the deliberate decision to allow DCs to explore and have some freedoms that are generally not allowed these days in UK.

To me the thing is that when you holiday with other families, differences in parenting styles that are mild chinks when you see someone for a few hours become huge chasms when you're forced to spend time together.

I love the two families dearly that we go away with, the DWs are two of my oldest friends, but if it wasn't for the fact that DS has a better holiday with more DCs around ( and the era is coming to an end anyway as he's the only DS amongst 4 DDs, so we'll probably call it quits once he hits puberty) we certainly wouldn't do it. It's hard rubbing along with other people and having to live with their priorities and quirks - I'm sure we've got our own.

In the OPs case there appears to be no advantage to sharing hols as the DCs don't even seem to be getting along - should be ok for 2 days though where there is a specific activity to focus on.

kelda · 26/08/2015 08:21

Hopefully it will be batter two nights in a hotel.

I went camping a couple of years ago with a very good friend, and it was stressful. I ended up looking after her 1 and 3 year old most of the time, annoying because my children are older and I wanted to relax, rather then taking a three year old to the toilet (my friend refused to take her, telling her to go on her own, but she was three!) and making sure a one year old does't crawl off. Never again!

girlywhirly · 26/08/2015 08:27

I think it was called that on this thread because the OP's friends allow their DC to wander around at will, even their toddlers, out of sight. The OP says they were brought back several times by strangers. So yes, letting their kids do what they want, unsupervised.

blaeberry · 26/08/2015 08:34

Even without differences in parenting style, it is not uncommon for your own kids and friends kids not to get on. Just because parents are friends doesn't mean kids will be. I have a couple of friends I only really meet up with on their own as our same age dd only tolerate each other. It might be that this is a route you will have to take from now on.

zzzzz · 26/08/2015 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rookiemere · 26/08/2015 09:32

Toddlers going missing is surely not a good thing zzzz, but I do agree with you on the other stuff - hard to say what's right and wrong without the other families pov.