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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse this offer

32 replies

kindofferbutno · 23/08/2015 21:04

More of a "am I being reasonable" than a AIBU.

A couple of couple friends have arranged to go on a really special holiday next year. Don't want to be too specific, but it's somewhere that would be really lovely to go to. They've invited DH and I, but it's way beyond our budget so we have politely declined. Anyway, one of the couples really want us to go and have offered to lend us the money so we can. They asked me a couple of months ago and I said that we couldn't possibly accept. Tbh we struggle month to month now, so paying them back would be difficult.

Anyway, today DH went out with male half of couple and he brought the subject up again. He was apparently really insistent that he wanted to pay for us, he can afford it, we can pay back at £10 a month if necessary (the holiday is nearly £3K!) etc. DH refused again, saying that he never borrows money from friends, job situation is uncertain, teenage DC to worry about etc., but friend is not bothered about any of this, just really wants us to go.

I know I'm being reasonable in saying no but just wanted to know what others think. I'm a bit embarrassed by the whole thing and am worried that he might just book it anyway.

OP posts:

Buttercup27 · 23/08/2015 21:07

Personally I would have done exactly the same. Borrowing or lending money to friends can cause some major problems.
Suggest a meet up after their holiday for drinks and a look at holiday photos.

DansonslaCapucine · 23/08/2015 21:08

YANBU

Never a borrower nor lender be.

Yourethe1formefatty · 23/08/2015 21:09

Urgh.

I hate it when people won't take no for an answer.

YANBU.

goldiesoxx · 23/08/2015 21:10

YABVR :) I live by the rule that if I can't afford it then I can't have it. It keeps me out of debt and it's made me very realistic. But then after my first marriage ended I went bankrupt so I'm cautious. I also wouldn't want to owe money to a friend unless it was for a real emergency situation that required money.

londonrach · 23/08/2015 21:10

Yanbu. Never ever ever borrow money from friends or family as its the quickest way to destroy the relationship. Keep strong op. You being very sensible.

wowfudge · 23/08/2015 21:10

Your friends should not be getting you into debt, which is effectively what they will be doing. Stick to your guns, it is absolutely the right thing to do.

Bogeyface · 23/08/2015 21:11

I wouldnt have taken it either.

Apart from the fact that they are overlooking the obvious.....if you could pay back 3k then you could save up 3 k, so if you cant save, you cant afford repayments! It would also leave me feeling a bit "poor relation" and I hate that.

Its very kind of them but I think an email saying what you have said, that while you are really touched by them offering, you couldnt afford to repay them so you will not be going. Thank them profusely and maybe add that you expect a large and expensive gift when they get back! (In a jokey way of course!)

NoArmaniNoPunani · 23/08/2015 21:12

What lovely generous friends. They obviously really want you to go. I'm not sure what I would do but it does seem like a genuine offer.

HerRoyalNotness · 23/08/2015 21:12

I understand how you feel and your friends, even though trying to help, are being very unreasonable to keep pressing! A 3k holiday repaying at 10-mth, they might as well gift it to you.

It will be stressful for you having that hanging over you.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 23/08/2015 21:14

no no no no no just tell them how much you appreciate the offer and much as you want to go you are not willing to be debt for it, thank you so kindly etc etc. have em all over for drinks to tell them if needs be and just revel in the bliss of knowing you are so liked / loved that they want your company so much.

DinosaursRoar · 23/08/2015 21:14

it could be they are just trying to make sure you know the offer is genuine, but you are right to refuse if you are going to struggle to repay quickly, and it will change your relationship with them.

Original poster

kindofferbutno · 23/08/2015 21:21

Thank you for the replies so far. Unanimous that I am being reasonable in refusing. It would change our relationship and I wouldn't want that at all. It is very kind, am I'm sure done with the best of intentions, but we are going to keep saying no. Will definitely ask for a bottle of the local brew to be brought back though!

OP posts:

Icimoi · 23/08/2015 21:22

Another factor is that the holiday wouldn't just be £3K; there would be all sorts of extras. You wouldn't enjoy it if you're still having to pay out money you can't afford, or constantly being paid for by your friends.

WildStallions · 23/08/2015 21:23

You have to wonder why they are so keen for you to go.

Do they fancy a bit of wife swapping or something of that nature?

Saying no to that when they've effectively paid for the holiday could be even harder.

Charlesroi · 23/08/2015 21:27

It may be a lovely two week holiday but it really isn't worth the years of feeling uncomfortable that will inevitably result.

Tell them that you'd love to go but you really can't afford it, and you know that accepting a loan you can't repay would ruin the friendship. Just keep saying no thanks.

Original poster

kindofferbutno · 23/08/2015 21:27

It is an all inclusive holiday, so once there, extra spending would be minimal. Don't think wife swapping is on the cards thankfully

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 23/08/2015 21:32

I think YANBU at all.

You wouldn't enjoy the holiday if you were worrying about the cost and how to pay it back. Plus, if you did borrow the money then everything you bought yourselves that wasn't strictly essential, the friends might feel a bit like "oh, so they can afford a takeaway but can only pay us back at 10 quid a month".

Why don't you suggest you all go for a weekend away after they get back, somewhere cheaper that you can afford?

MrsLupo · 23/08/2015 21:45

It would change our relationship and I wouldn't want that at all.

I wonder if that might happen now whatever you do.

Original poster

kindofferbutno · 23/08/2015 21:55

Exactly Aye. That would be something that would worry me. They really are lovely and I'm sure they would never judge like that, but I would not be able to enjoy an evening out/social event if they were there too without thinking that the money spent should be paying them back.

OP posts:

scarlets · 23/08/2015 22:41

They sound lovely and it's obviously important to them. However, £10 per month for a debt of that magnitude is silly, you'd be awkwardly indebted for a long time, and clearly you can't afford more realistic repayments of £100+ so yanbu.

I do wonder if the next step is their simply offering to pay for you, with no reimbursement necessary. Be prepared for that.

TheSkiingGardener · 23/08/2015 22:50

I think it would depend. What's the reason for the holiday? How long/good is the friendship? What does 3K mean to them. If it's small change to them and there's a good reason for wanting to all go together then I would accept in the spirit it was offered but insist on a written pay back agreement.

If it's a lot of money for them, or you're not fussed about going, or they have judgmental tendencies then I would say no.

travellinglighter · 23/08/2015 22:52

£3k of debt would prey on my mind. I would have to pay it back quicker and if I worked overtime then it would have to go straight on the debt and rob me of little joys every couple of months. A few extra quid in the bank for me.

Viviennemary · 23/08/2015 23:00

How can you pay this amount back if you're already struggling day to day. It's a bit thoughtless and insensitive of these people to push it. It's not as if they were offering to pay for the holiday. You've got to pay it back.

wickedlazy · 23/08/2015 23:10

I also think it sounds a bit insensitive of them to push like this, and put you in the position of explaining your finances to them again. If you had agreed to borrow money you knew you couldn't pay back, you would have had black cloud looming over your head every time you spent money, for years possibly. You were wise to politely decline imo.

Rainuntilseptember15 · 23/08/2015 23:14

I suspect that the couple offering you the money think the holiday won't be half as much fun with just the other couple going.

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