to not want to host Christmas

[Junosmum]

Background: We married last year (December) and at the insistence of OHs family spent it together, though we were both happy spending it separately with our families. It was OHs grans last Christmas as she had a terminal disease and passed away earlier this year. I was going to spend it my family, OH was to spend it with his. We ended up spending half a day at each, which involved a 3 hour drive in between. Neither of us were happy but OH didn't want his parents moaning at him and really wanted to spend it with his grandmother. We've been together 10 years and spent Christmas's both together and apart, which ever suited us best in a particular year, neither family has ever pressured us until last year. And to be honest I was annoyed and upset. I wanted OH to spend his last Christmas with his grandmother and I wanted to spend it with my family, and go down to his in the evening after lunch with my family. Oh well, past is past.

So role forward to this Christmas coming. OH asked, last Christmas, if we would host his family this year, which I said yes to depending on circumstances. I usually enjoy hosting and cooking large meals, the thought doesn't worry me and I've hosted big events in the past.

This Christmas coming I will be 37 weeks pregnant. OH can, and will cook a Christmas dinner however he will not clean up. Or at least not well. He will also not shop for it or do the house work or prepare the spare rooms. At least not to my standard or with any plan/ regard for time/ shops being empty of essentials. He's great, he does loads round the house but planning and preparation is not his forte. Neither is cleaning. And I like a clean house. I also want to keep the house organised for baby's imminent arrival and quite frankly I'm going to be flippin knackered without having to play hostess with mostess. His family will offer to help but the apple did not fall far from the tree shall we say.

AIBU to just want to go home to my family and relax? I figure next year with a new baby everyone will want to see it at Christmas and we may well end up hosting again, which I'm very up for. I just don't feel I need the stress this year.

Canyouforgiveher - er - if you read the post, you'll see that's why I emphasised generally with italics, and then clearly stated that it's all very different when you are 37 weeks pregnant.

I was around 37 weeks pregnant last Christmas and i didn't even want to cook Christmas dinner for me and my OH. I insisted that we go out for it. My OH thought I was being crazy when I booked it but by the time Christmas rolled around he completely understood why I had done it. I was massive and exhausted. You will not want to cater for large numbers when you are that far gone - you'll be full term by then! The baby could well be on its way anyway! Get everyone else to do the work and if your OH isn't going to do it right then YANBU to go elsewhere.

Email all concerned that this Christmas you will be spending alone as a couple. End of.

Hhhmm I did Christmas dinner one year at 34 weeks pregnant for 7 people and it was okay although they didnt stop over at our house (all lived within walking distance). If anything everyone was falling over themselves to help and I had to constantly shoo people out if my kitchen! Dh is fully on-board though when we do Christmas and its a joint effort.

The trouble is that you just dont know how you are going to feel - mine was my second and I didn't have half the issues I had with my first pregnancy - no spd, wasn't massively shattered and barely put a stone on weight wise - first time round I wouldn't even had considered it I was in so much pain and discomfort at 29 weeks!!

At 37 weeks I think it would be perfectly reasonable to say "no I can't do it" but I understand the reasoning behind creating a different Christmas - we had the same when we lost a significant family member and went away for a posh 4 day Christmas break in a hotel (which was utter bliss and we went for 5 years running! - if we had the money I'd do it again I have to say) I think his family need to think again

I will also be 37 weeks pg at Christmas. I am not going ANYWHERE, neither are we hosting family this year. I can't wait

I think your compromise of staying in a hotel and going out for lunch is a good one, don't let them stay at your place though!

I'm sure there are others in the family that can host Christmas this year. His parents perhaps?!

I'd suggest as well you don't plan Christmas apart, if you do go into labour, you don't want him to be 3hours away and over the limit to drive. While I'm sure he'd be likely to get there in time, those 3 hours would be stressful.

I planned to host Christmas Day at 38 weeks pregnant. We paid for a cleaner to do a deep clean a couple of days before, everything came pre-done in a waitrose van, agreement my dad would drive everyone home (at least 90 mins drive) so I had no overnight guests to deal with... Then my waters broke on Christmas Eve morning and dc1 rocked up around when queenie was addressing the country.

I called my mum and texted my brother when Waters went with a "Christmas is cancelled" message, seems both had started defrosting the emergency turkey crowns they'd picked up, so ended with double turkey on Christmas Day. At 37 weeks, your mil at least should realise it might not happen and they'll need a plan B!

You are so NBU. I was 37 weeks with ds2 at Christmas. I was too big to even reach the sink! Had to do all present shopping online. Was generally tired and spending as much time as possible resting. I went to MILs for Xmas lunch and spent the whole day being spoiled. It was bloody marvellous. 37 weeks is term - the baby could arrive at any time, time to build up your energy and prepare for the birth, not run around like a headless chicken trying to host the perfect Christmas.

I think them staying and going out for lunch is a good compromise

Time to create your own Christmas at your home, just opt out of it this year, take the time to enjoy just being together and make Christmas your own, next year your baby will be here and it's time to set your own traditions.

Your parents and inlaws have had their time, had their traditions, now it's your turn.

Be cautious about inviting everyone the next Xmas 'as they want to see baby' - your family is now you DC and DP. When DC is small you will want to spend Xmas mornings with them opening pressies not cooking lunch for 20.

Definitely do not host Christmas, but I think you should spend Christmas with each other, last few days of calm before the baby arrives. It isn't good to spend Christmas separately, however pressing your families.

Next year YOU establish a new family tradition, whatever you (both) want, with your new family.

YANBU.

We generally host my family on Christmas Day, DH's family/friends on Boxing Day. With DC1 (in our old house) we didn't host, but at 36 weeks I would have been fully up for hosting people.

DC2 I was admitted at 33 weeks and she was born at 37.5 so Christmas would have been cancelled.

DC3 was an EMCS at 36+1 so again Christmas would have been cancelled.

In fact, with DC2 (born late March) I got pretty cheesed off over Christmas as I was not drinking (obviously) and spent 2 days clearing up behind people who were. No-one else put a single item in the dish washer, and I'm not normally house proud, but being completely sober, not entirely enjoying drunk company, I figured I might as well get on with it, rather than letting it all pile up.

Don't do it.

You've reminded me that DD was a week old when I hosted Christmas for Mum, Dad, and DB, BUT the expectation on me was completely different to yours I swanned about being new Mum (single mum by choice) while the family did EVERYTHING and I am truly grateful to them. In your case, however, it sounds as though you're expected to host fully. Don't do it - as others have said - you may well be in labour. If you do go ahead then set boundaries/rules NOW.

YADNBU!! I'll be 36 weeks at Christmas and no bloody way will we be offering to host this year! And we have a very small immediate family 4 adults plus OH and I, but I still wouldn't do it! As others have said if you go into labour early it scuppers all plans, and if you don't I imagine you won't fancy all that hassle. We might offer to host next year though.

Agree with jeanseberg It's not compulsory to spend Christmas day with anyone.So stay home,feet up and let DH pamper you on the last Christmas before your lovely baby arrives. [Flowers] Many congratulations by the way.

Sorry,forgot to use lower case

Can't you just suggest a quiet Xmas just the two of you? Going to your parents instead after promising to host his does seem a bit unkind. Whereas last Xmas before baby just you as a couple no one could be upset about.

You are absolutely nowhere near unreasonable. Hosting Christmas is exhausting 'normally', never mind at such a late stage of pregnancy. You will have all the normal stress, plus extra anxiety of potentially the baby arriving early, having to cancel etc, and you'll be super tired anyway, even if fully healthy.

I can't imagine your ILs are still expecting this? And if your husband is persistent despite you explaining your concerns, then he's being a dick.

Yes and that means that them all coming to yours will be their new "normal"

This

Are you not seeing the link between them not wanting to host and not liking housework?! Presumably until she was ill, Gran did everything and now they are expecting the same from you.

And this!

OP, if you're not careful it will be the new tradition that everyone comes to you every Christmas for ever more. Hasn't his mum ever hosted one? Is she lazy?

Please ask your DH why you both went to his family last year and you're both expected to see his again this year? What about YOURS?

Bloody hell. YANBU! Why hasn't dh's mother explained this to him in words of one syllable? Can you set your midwife on him? Who expects this of a woman 37 weeks along!

Practicalities as listed above: total unpredictability, baby may arrive the day before, on the day itself, hosting is not going to be foremost on your or dh's mind, and even if you and baby are ok and baby is not yet here on the date, at 37 weeks you should not be running around like a blue arsed fly getting stressed and tired and on your feet all day cooking and preparing rooms and waiting on people. Even if his family were the Housework Fairies, having a large houseful of people around all the time is stressful when you may really not be feeling up for it. Why doesn't dh have more concern for his wife and baby? Or is it all so far off at the moment he hasn't got any realistic understanding of how things will be by that point?

This is going to be a sad Christmas for his family - yes, it will be. Inevitably. That is not your problem to fix as a couple, and it's something that all families have to handle and work through at some point. THEY can sort out hotels and restaurant meals, book a holiday cottage as a family, go abroad together, they have a dozen options none of which require you to organise it for them. You and dh may be able to drop by to visit during that time circumstances permitting.

FGS show dh this thread. And then say No. Clearly and repeatedly.

I really think you're being set up as Mother Christmas for evermore as your in laws can't be arsed to do it. If you're ever going to see your family at Christmas, it'll be on top of hosting the in laws. Please say something now.

If I've got the wrong end of the stick about his family, I apologise, but they're not coming out of this well at the moment. If you think this is contentious, you should read some of the posts that have been on here about baby's first Christmas and how hysterics new grand parents get-that's next year!!

PIL haven't mentioned Christmas since our baby announcement - I mean, it's August, I didn't expect their first reaction to "congratulations, really happy for you, bet you don't feel like hosting Christmas this year"! And I suspect that if I mention it to MIL she'll instantly go 'of course you can't host this year'.

I'm not being set up to host Christmas every year, though I am hoping to host both families next year!

I'm very like OHs gran and I enjoy hosting and under normal circumstances it would be fine.

OHs mum is not lazy, she's just not a great cook, doesn't enjoy hosting and don't have room. FIL has cooked the last couple of years, hosted at grans as she was too unwell.

I love big family Christmas's and it would always be my preference to have lots of family at Christmas, the idea of it being just the two or three of us does not say Christmas to me - just this year I think it being just the two of us is a necessary evil based on the situation.

OH just clearly hasn't a clues, though he should know me well enough to know that I won't be able to relax, even if he does it all. Simply because I'm going to be worried about baby arriving, having everything ready, not seeming unsociable even though all I want to do is sit in my pyjamas, watch netflix,nap and fart!

I'm going to show him this thread - I've shown him some in the past and he loves them. He's clearly just not really thinking!

Planning to host Christmas when 37 weeks pg is crazy. As pp pointed out you could be actually holding your baby by then anyway. If you are not, you will be in no state to do anything.

Either investigate and book cleaning and housekeeping and sous-chef temporary staff to be your DH's assistance while you stay on the sofa, or cancel.

I had to attend a wedding at 35 weeks pg. I had no responsibilities at all but I was utterly exhausted after 2.5 hours. By 37 weeks hosting Christmas is so ridiculous as to be laughable

I'm going to show him this thread - I've shown him some in the past and he loves them. He's clearly just not really thinking!

Fingers crossed-let us know how it goes!

I'm sure many people have already said this but this is a really dumb idea, not least because many people have their baby at or before 37 weeks so you could be in hospital and theyd have no Xmas meal available.