to not want to host Christmas

[Junosmum]

Background: We married last year (December) and at the insistence of OHs family spent it together, though we were both happy spending it separately with our families. It was OHs grans last Christmas as she had a terminal disease and passed away earlier this year. I was going to spend it my family, OH was to spend it with his. We ended up spending half a day at each, which involved a 3 hour drive in between. Neither of us were happy but OH didn't want his parents moaning at him and really wanted to spend it with his grandmother. We've been together 10 years and spent Christmas's both together and apart, which ever suited us best in a particular year, neither family has ever pressured us until last year. And to be honest I was annoyed and upset. I wanted OH to spend his last Christmas with his grandmother and I wanted to spend it with my family, and go down to his in the evening after lunch with my family. Oh well, past is past.

So role forward to this Christmas coming. OH asked, last Christmas, if we would host his family this year, which I said yes to depending on circumstances. I usually enjoy hosting and cooking large meals, the thought doesn't worry me and I've hosted big events in the past.

This Christmas coming I will be 37 weeks pregnant. OH can, and will cook a Christmas dinner however he will not clean up. Or at least not well. He will also not shop for it or do the house work or prepare the spare rooms. At least not to my standard or with any plan/ regard for time/ shops being empty of essentials. He's great, he does loads round the house but planning and preparation is not his forte. Neither is cleaning. And I like a clean house. I also want to keep the house organised for baby's imminent arrival and quite frankly I'm going to be flippin knackered without having to play hostess with mostess. His family will offer to help but the apple did not fall far from the tree shall we say.

AIBU to just want to go home to my family and relax? I figure next year with a new baby everyone will want to see it at Christmas and we may well end up hosting again, which I'm very up for. I just don't feel I need the stress this year.

i hosted xmas at 37 weeks, 2 before dd was born - BUT i needed pil to stay as we knew our c-section date was the 27th Dec and we needed childcare for our others.

DH and i agreed that i would online shop and sit and prepare the veg etc - but that he would be lifting in/out of the oven and doing the general lugging.
MIL is brill and she generally tidied up, loaded the dishwasher etc.

i did end up doing most of it, out of choice - couldn't quite let someone else have my kitchen - but people offered lots of help.

the housework stuff mil mostly did.

then i had baby and mil did everything and all the childcare too bless her.

it worked out well for us - slightly annoying at times, but only cos i'd rather be in charge in my kitchen IYKWIM.

if your DH agrees to do all the shopping/chores etc - and you can go lie down then maybe it would be okay....if you cannot do that i'd say no. would your mil help lots or not?

Are his family expecting this?

No reasonable person would expect a 37 week pregnant to do Christmas for a large group!

Is your DH on glue? ;)

And...if you went to his family last year-why can't you go to yours this year?

Boston - MIL is lovely, but housework is a skill lost to her. She wouldn't see the issue of just not doing it.

I also like to be in control in my own kitchen and would feel uncomfortable having someone else 'host' in my house. I would also feel I had to be sociable and couldn't go up to bed etc.

I online shop normally, but never at Christmas as the one year I did it they didn't deliver it in time! (the driver had worked over his hours or something).

His family have asked that we host, as grandma always hosted and Christmas will be strange and sad this year, which I understand and want to be supportive/ understanding. This was before I found out I was pregnant and I was open to the idea, but not at so close to dropping! They haven't mentioned it since but when I mentioned it to OH he was adamant he wanted us to host it.

I have suggested I go to my parents after present opening and return on boxing day but that was not met well!

Agree with everyone above, of course you shouldn't host.

However, it is quite unusual for a couple who have been together for 10 years to spend Christmas apart, going to their own families separately. What's that about? Won't he stay with your family with you?

Morganly. We have both been to each others for Christmas, he has stayed at my parents for Christmas several times and I have stayed at his. We've both admitted that neither of the others home 'feels' like Christmas, despite how welcoming each of our families are. I'm not trying to make him sound unreasonable - he usually isn't at all.

People do find it strange that we occasionally spend Christmas apart but under recent circumstances (unwell grandparents, my niece getting Oh so excited about Santa, family visiting from afar) it's just made sense to go separate ways some years and we've both been very happy with that. I would never have felt right spending Christmas just the two of us.

juno - in that case i'd say no. too stressful if they're naturally untidy and your the opposite - especially as you'll probably just be hitting the nesting phase and wanting everything just so before babe arrives.

keep talking with dh and try to find a compromise somewhere - though if you spent last year with his folks why cant this year be alone or with yours?

is he feeling a bit sad about grandma - or not wanting to let his mum down?

I was 37w pregnant last Christmas. We stayed at home and had a quiet one.

You are going to be very tired at 37w and you will probably just feel like hunkering down. The last thing you'll want to be doing is entertaining.

Also, I doubt you'll be up to driving to your parents' house alone at that stage. I mean, you might be, but I'd plan not to be.

TBH I can't really believe your in-laws will still expect you to host.

He's very sad about gran, which I totally guess. And I think his family want a 'new' Christmas experience as anything 'normal' will bring bittersweet memories, which I get but I think that'll happen anyway.

We could go down to them, but that involves a long drive and potential of giving birth in a different hospital. I'm consultant led so guessing that wouldn't be a good idea? My family live much closer. Unfortunately my family don't have room to host OHs family too, or that would be an idea.

I might suggest that they stay in a hotel and we go out for lunch? Or that they stay here and we go out for lunch?

get not guess

Of course you are not being unreasonable, your husband is being pretty selfish to attempt to insist on anything.

As he clearly isn't bothered about it being too much for you to cope with, it might be worth pointing out that if Christmas is supposed to be at yours and you end up going into labour, that would throw everyone's Christmas into total disarray. Far better for them to arrange Christmas at in laws house , and you will attend what you can .

however he will not clean up. Or at least not well. He will also not shop for it or do the house work or prepare the spare rooms
If you don't sort this issue out now (before baby) you will be writing many threads on mumsnet in the future, I rather fear.

Rain - he does do housework generally, but leaves stuff to the last minute all the time. he'll think nothing of going to tesco the day we need something, which is usually fine, but not when it's Christmas eve and the shop will be void of all carrots, potatoes and turkey! He'll also change the bedding the day they arrive, forgetting that it needs time to wash and dry.

Through out my pregnancy so far he's been really great and really stepped up with things like housework (he usually works much longer hours than me) but doesn't seem to realise how tiring having people in your home can be and how much more so when I'm going to be ready to drop.

Give him a list now ... 4 weeks to got ... order meat 3 weeks ... buy wrap presents . 2 weeks clear out cupboards/defrost freezer..make it a a very long indepth list of every thing!! See how he feels then.

His family have asked that we host

but circumstances have changed!

Presumably his family know you are expecting and when your due date is? Hasn't one of them said, 'well, of course you can't host Christmas now!'?

I'm afraid it's your call on this one. It's your house and your pregnancy. Unless your husband was begging you saying that he'd do everything and all the shopping/cooking/clearing up etc,and tbh, I'd probably still refuse!

Where are your family in all of this? Why is it ok for both of you to see his family two years running but not yours? Why was you going to your faily not met well? Can you show him this thread? I think your DH is behaving very selfishly.

And I think his family want a 'new' Christmas experience as anything 'normal' will bring bittersweet memories, which I get but I think that'll happen anyway.

Why does it have to be at your house though?? Who else is in this family? How many would you be catering for?

What about next year??? Will this become the new family tradition? Will you ever get to see your family at Christmas again? I think this has to be stopped now.

Yadnbu
I hosted Christmas dinner for 11 last year at 38wks and still working full-time. Never. Ever. Again. I was actually ill on Boxing day and took 2 weeks to recover. Do yourself a favour and find a way out of it.

I think that the mIn issue here is that you were at his family home for Christmas last year.

And now they have 'got in quick' to mKe sure that they have this one too.

Then next year they will want to be involved too as it will be the baby's first Christmas.

This is why it's unfair in my opinion.

All of the cleaning and preparing and the work on the actual day can be explained away with the 'everyone will help' thing. And they may all pitch in and that side of things may be just fine, you never know! But it's not their turn for Christmas.

By 37 weeks pregnant with DD1 I had a 5 day old, slightly prem baby and had been discharged from hospital by 1 day. Oh and let's not forget the hormonal drop in mood at about day 4...

No. No YANBU.

In fact the only phrase you need to employ if the subject comes up again is ODFOD.

I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant, I barely want to make breakfast for me and partner at the moment, not to talk about hosting anyone! In fact, I'm in a similar situation, only after the baby arrives. As first time parents, I have no idea how to manage in-laws (who won't help, just telly hog all day whilst expecting service), and new baby (who will probably be in a routine by then, but still, just want our first Christmas to be a quiet one). It's a horrid, catch 22 - don't want to be the Grinch who says no, but don't want to be extra tired and frazzled because it's family and Xmas. I honestly don't understand what's happening to other people's common sense, wouldn't it be obvious that it's not OK to be hosted by a woman, who's already physically exhausted? What happened to tact and decorum?

YABU for criticising the fact that your dh's "hosting" isn't up to your standards. Generally if he is happy to do it, the fact he does it differently from you is not important - that's what happens when different people live together. So the whole ..."not to my standard" bit is unreasonable

However, I totally agree with everyone else that YANBU to say you will not host Christmas when you are 37weeks pregnant. You may well already be parents by then, or you might have to have your Christmas interrupted by the arrival of your dc. You just won't know until it happens. You just tell people you will be spending it quietly at home and not committing to anything - including travel to any of them - this year.

He's very sad about gran, which I totally guess. And I think his family want a 'new' Christmas experience as anything 'normal' will bring bittersweet memories,

Yes and that means that them all coming to yours will be their new "normal"

Are you not seeing the link between them not wanting to host and not liking housework?! Presumably until she was ill, Gran did everything and now they are expecting the same from you.

To your DH - No, I am not prepared to host this year. There is a good chance I could be in labour on Xmas day, and I hope you are not going to suggest that the birth of our child comes second to your family's Xmas. We went to your parents last year, we are going to mine this year, or we each go to our own. I am not prepared to negotiate this.[Rinse and repeat as necessary]

To his family - Yes I am aware that all of the children in your family came late but mine might not and I am not prepared to take the risk. We are not hosting this year........We are not hosting this year......We are not hosting this year....Speak to DH

Hosting Christmas is exhausting even when not pregnant. I've done both Xmas and Boxing Day two years in a row and was utterly shattered after it. YNBU at all.

It would be an emphatic NO from me hosting Christmas at 37 weeks pregnant. Have you had Christmas just the two of you before? If not, this might be your only chance of one. I'd be planning an M & S shove in the oven Xmas for two, clothes other than pj's optional.

The only other thing I can think of with your ILs wanting to do something different this year is a meal out? Perhaps at a pub close to you, where they can also stay?

YABU for criticising the fact that your dh's "hosting" isn't up to your standards. Generally if he is happy to do it, the fact he does it differently from you is not important - that's what happens when different people live together. So the whole ..."not to my standard" bit is unreasonable

In the general run of things this is true but not when a woman is 37 weeks pregnant. At 37 weeks pregnant, I think it really does matter that the kitchen is full of dirty dishes and the sheets are being washed as the guests arrive, and the rubbish won't be put out and the dh won't look after guests the way the op would because it will all stress her out and she is already at the end stage of a fairly major event (creating an entire new human being from your body) that has physical and mental implications.

So basically in OP's case, if she wants her dh to scrub the toilet every day with a toothbrush then yes she is going a bit unreasonable on her standards but if she doesn't want extra people/washing up that won't be done for days/laundry that will just sit there for days/ then I think at 37 weeks pregnant, she is not being unreasonable.