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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So I probably ABU, but by how much?

48 replies

BerylStreep · 21/08/2015 23:22

DH's family is having a massive celebration tomorrow - an elderly relative has reached a huge milestone, and family have flown in from around the world to celebrate.

There is an event at 9am in the morning, which will involve getting us all up, scrubbed and dressed for beforehand. I have bought new outfits for the DC. I have spent today shopping for, and preparing food to bring along to the celebration dinner afterwards. We are also hosting family tomorrow evening, who have travelled to be here, and will be staying with us.

So DH has gone out for a work do tonight. Previous experience of these events have always been that he drinks far too much, and arrives back far too late, pretty much writing off the next day due to tiredness / grumpiness / hangover.

As he was leaving tonight I asked what time he was planning to be back by, to which he said 1am.

I have told him that unless he is back by 12, I won't be accompanying him to the event tomorrow, as I'm not prepared to enable his hangover or his bad mood.

I know he would probably say IABU, but am I? This is his family, and I feel I am being left to do all the wifework whilst he goes and gets pissed with his colleagues.

OP posts:
scarletforya · 21/08/2015 23:24

Yanbu

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 21/08/2015 23:26

No, you are not bu.
He should be getting this stuff sorted!
Selfish oik. (Him!)

Notfastjustfurious · 21/08/2015 23:26

Nu at all, how exactly does he think this is going to pan out? Damn sure I wouldn't be going to all that effort for my dh to be hungover and grumpy.

Sandbrook · 21/08/2015 23:27

Still time for him to be home and in reasonable shape for tomorrow though

grumpysquash · 21/08/2015 23:27

Given what time you have to get up, I think YANBU. But I think that if the DC are expecting to go, then I think YABU to wake up in the morning and tell them you're not going [unless they're so young they really wouldn't notice].
Slightly baffled as to why DH thinks it's fine to go out on the razz given the family commitments...............

BlackeyedSusan · 21/08/2015 23:28

yabu. much more fun to leave him behind and tell all his family that he was out getting drunk and is too hungover to come.

grumpysquash · 21/08/2015 23:30

But I also think that if he is hungover, he shouldn't get to lie in bed all day. He'll have to suck it up and show up at 9am, scrubbed, shaved, dressed and carrying a plate of food.
(maybe you can go and chat to someone else....?)

Creatureofthenight · 21/08/2015 23:31

YANBU - fine to go for 1 or 2 drinks IF you are all prepared for the weekend, but you are all going to be up early tomorrow so late night not a good idea.

pigsDOfly · 21/08/2015 23:34

I'm with BlackeyedSusan, if he can't get up in time go without him.

Sounds like you've worked really hard to ensure your family will be there looking spruce so why would you want to let that all go to waste.

And think of all the brownie points you'll earn with his family.

Original poster
BerylStreep · 21/08/2015 23:36

I can legitimately not turn up. I have been quite ill recently, and wasn't able to go to a pre event last night due to illness. However I really wanted to go to the event tomorrow, in order to celebrate with the elderly relative, and feel I have really pushed myself health wise in order to be able to prepare for the event.

My intention is to send him along with DC, sans moi. It might involve me having to drive him though.

OP posts:
3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 21/08/2015 23:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BackforGood · 21/08/2015 23:38

YABU to deprive yourself of the family celebrations, just because he is unable to pace himself.
I wouldn't tell my dh what time he had to be in, or issue ultimatums, but then, he knows he'd get no sympathy from me, and knows he wouldn't spoil it for me - I'd just go along without him if he wasn't up/ready, and be honest with everyone about why he wasn't there - so I know he would come home not having overdone it, and I know he would be up and ready in the morning.

BlackeyedSusan · 21/08/2015 23:42

I see making him go with a headache would be more of a pain for him... oo now I am not sure..

Topseyt · 21/08/2015 23:42

If he is happy to show himself up in front of his own family then just let him go right ahead.

If he can't get going as he is too hungover then just go without him and don't hang back on telling the rest of the family the truth about why he hasn't made it.

TheExMotherInLaw · 21/08/2015 23:42

Go, and leave it up to him to look after the dc, as it is known that you are recovering from illness. if you don't go, there's no knowing what might be made of it - plus, you were looking forward to it.

Maryz · 21/08/2015 23:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlackeyedSusan · 21/08/2015 23:44

if you do leave him, can you bribe the neighbours to mow the lawn and let their kids shriek and shout just under his window?

Maryz · 21/08/2015 23:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BerylStreep · 21/08/2015 23:50

See Backforgood I feel so impotent that there is almost no option but to issue ultimatums. I hate it.

I asked before he went out what time he was planning to be back by. He said 1am, and I said that given the amount of organisation we had to do in the morning, I thought it was too late.

Huge backstory - when pregnant with DC2 he went out with the same crowd, I went to bed, but didn't sleep, dozing, expecting him to arrive back - tossed and turned - eventually phoned him at 4am. When he answered, I asked where he was, and he said 'I'm at a party, what's the problem?' The problem was that he was in the most dangerous neighbourhood in the city, and didn't have a clue, nor did he give a shit.

Whilst it hasn't been as bad since, when he goes out with this crowd he regularly comes back hammered and is written off the next day.

OP posts:
Maryz · 21/08/2015 23:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fatmomma99 · 22/08/2015 00:24

I was all for suggesting you practice your "swift kick" to wake him up tomorrow morning, but I know think you should go, with your spruced up DC and leave him to make his own way there.

Hope you enjoy the day!

TheCatsFlaps · 22/08/2015 00:34

Fuck him, or in this case, fuck him up. Go and enjoy yourself, let him explain his absence or turn up like a half shut knife. You sound like you work hard enough, you don't need to be his mother. That dubious pleasure already belongs to some other poor cow.

NeuNewNouveau · 22/08/2015 00:50

So is he home?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 22/08/2015 02:17

You are definitely NBU...

His family, his responsibility and it seems as if you've done more than your share...

Furthermore, as he has form fir this-he didnt HAVE to be out tonight.... I would see it as pure self-centeredness...

coffeeisnectar · 22/08/2015 02:54

Did he come home?

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