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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So I probably ABU, but by how much?

48 replies

BerylStreep · 21/08/2015 23:22

DH's family is having a massive celebration tomorrow - an elderly relative has reached a huge milestone, and family have flown in from around the world to celebrate.

There is an event at 9am in the morning, which will involve getting us all up, scrubbed and dressed for beforehand. I have bought new outfits for the DC. I have spent today shopping for, and preparing food to bring along to the celebration dinner afterwards. We are also hosting family tomorrow evening, who have travelled to be here, and will be staying with us.

So DH has gone out for a work do tonight. Previous experience of these events have always been that he drinks far too much, and arrives back far too late, pretty much writing off the next day due to tiredness / grumpiness / hangover.

As he was leaving tonight I asked what time he was planning to be back by, to which he said 1am.

I have told him that unless he is back by 12, I won't be accompanying him to the event tomorrow, as I'm not prepared to enable his hangover or his bad mood.

I know he would probably say IABU, but am I? This is his family, and I feel I am being left to do all the wifework whilst he goes and gets pissed with his colleagues.

OP posts:

ChristineDePisan · 22/08/2015 04:00

YANBU but not sure I see the huge difference between being home at midnight and 1am in terms of being able to function the next day

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/08/2015 04:13

Not sure that's really the point though, is it.
He shouldn't be going out at all if the chances are he's going to get hammered and be completely useless the next day when it's this massive family event.

Beryl - I suppose it wouldn't be possible or fair on you for you to take the children by yourself and just leave him to stew, would it? I know it would mean he had the day by himself and that would probably be exactly what he would want, but it would mean that you didn't miss out, nor the DC and everyone would wonder where feckless was, so you could tell them.

I'm angry for you - it's completely unreasonable what he's doing.

PegsPigs · 22/08/2015 04:21

What time did he come home OP?

Thelushinthepub · 22/08/2015 05:06

This wouldn't bother me unless you had prep to do tonight and he's left you to it.
He's an adult and should be perfectly able to function after a night out (doesn't he ever go out on a work night? Everyone I know does occasionally) and it's his responsibility to do so. As long as he's there what difference does it make? I don't understand why you're already planning to leave him/ not go when you don't know what's going to happen tomorrow yet.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 22/08/2015 05:15

YANBU
What time did he come in?

LindyHemming · 22/08/2015 06:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

BerylStreep · 22/08/2015 06:21

He got in at 12.15, so I suppose it's good that he made an effort to get back, although I still feel pissed off. I'll see what sort of form he is in this morning.

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 22/08/2015 06:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FishWithABicycle · 22/08/2015 06:28

Yanbu at all. Follow through with packing him off with the kids without you as promised. If the transport would be feasible perhaps you could go separately later in order to give your relative your congratulations? Or just visit alone another time.

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2015 06:46

So he was back 15 minutes late. Why are you still pissed off?

Please don't let you being in a bad mood with him affect the party- now that would be unreasonable!

Incidentally, why do people stay up waiting for their partners to get home? I have never understood that!

googoodolly · 22/08/2015 06:53

I think she's pissed off because he went out and got drunk the day before the whole family have to be up early to attend an event for his relative, and if he wakes up hungover and tired, she'll end up doing the lions share of getting everyone up and ready and presentable while he skulks around in a bad mood.

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2015 07:01

Yeah, well, he got in when she asked him to, so there"s a reasonable expectation that he'll be compos mentis-ish this morning.

And unless there was lots of preparation to be done last night, then I really don't see the problem.

Maryz · 22/08/2015 07:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 22/08/2015 08:18

I hope he is a nice shade of green, get him to do all the food stuff

Rainuntilseptember15 · 22/08/2015 08:28

I wouldn't tell him when to be home by, I would tell him he can't go out the night before a big event for his family, and when you have relatives coming to stay in your houses. How much preparation was he planning to do? None of course.

Rainuntilseptember15 · 22/08/2015 08:30

Hopefully today will go well, but I think a serious chat is needed before you agree to make any more arrangements with him.
He seems to be giving in to his maye's peer pressure which is the behaviour of a teenager not a grown man.

Gatehouse77 · 22/08/2015 08:31

I would go along and be the life and soul of the party, the ideal parent and wife. He'll either rise to the challenge or look like a knob.

Hold your head up high!

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2015 08:55

People who say his family are automatically BU.

Thelushinthepub · 22/08/2015 08:57

Hold your head up high? The bloke hasn't done anything! I'd like to think I could go for a night out and still attend my family day the next day without all this drama. Even if he has a hangover so what? It doesn't render him
Incapable unless he's a lightweight

scatterthenuns · 22/08/2015 08:57

How is he this morning?

Altinkum · 22/08/2015 09:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

googoodolly · 22/08/2015 09:56

I think if her DH was capable of going out, drinking, getting home at 1am and then able to get up early to get ready, OP wouldn't have even posted.

She said in her post that he has form for drinking too much, coming home late and being totally out of it the next day. It's therefore not fair on OP to have to be the one to sort everything out, get two small DC ready and dressed by 9am while her husband skulks in bed feeling sorry for himself.

A pre-planned family event with an early start and relatives staying takes priority over going out and getting pissed at a work do.

ChristineDePisan · 22/08/2015 12:21

I am slightly uneasy about the "telling" him when to come home, or even "should have said he couldn't go out at all" type posts... No way DH gets to "tell" me when I have to home.

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