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Original poster

To ask for advice on responding to stealth boasting?

58 replies

Drmum83 · 21/08/2015 11:46

I'll try to keep it brief..
Best friend, love her to bits, has been there for me majorly through shit.
She has always been a stealth boaster. Openly admits to competing with mutual friends, says she 'doesn't compete with me as we're so equal in most aspects of life there's no point'
She got married before me by a few weeks (and rushed to do this), had first baby before me etc etc
Current issue - she has decided to move house and I'm now being bombarded with texts 'oh god, already got 2 viewings and house only went online an hour ago' etc
Starting to get on my tits.
I know it shouldn't but it is.
I'm not in the least bit competitive, I'm very happy with my family and home etc.
I want to send a response which acknowledges her boasting but also gives a message that I'm not rising to the bait and, despite what she says, not open to a competition.
Help me compose please!! TIA

OP posts:
Original poster
Drmum83 · 21/08/2015 18:36

In all other aspects of friendship, I can't fault her. When it comes to money/houses/salaries, I can't stand the boasting (stealth or non stealth) but I don't want to lose a friendship over it I'm just looking for ways to manage it!

OP posts:
FATEdestiny · 21/08/2015 18:45

Boasting is distasteful.

Friends can easily ask for, give and receive support and excitement in a humble way without it being boastful.

The main thing to do is not respond in kind (I've seen counter-boasts posted on facebook in response to a boast and both are horribly distasteful).

I would reply in the low-key positive to this kind of in-your-face boast. A short "Great news, you must be pleased".

If the same news had been delivered in a less distasteful way, I would be much more excited in my response. "We just accepted an offer on the house, I can't quite believe it" would have got a less curt response: "Oh wow, so quickly, that is amazing. I am so pleased for you, you must be so excited".

daisychain01 · 21/08/2015 18:48

oh god, already got 2 viewings and house only went online an hour ago

knowing how difficult house selling can be, I'd say your friend is just mega happy to get viewings and needs to share it with someone and that someone is her friend.

It's called celebrating success. If you don't like to know things are going well in your friend's life, then it may say something about how you deal with good news (when it isn't your good news).

daisychain01 · 21/08/2015 18:49

Surely individual 1-on-1 contact to share news is a completely different ball-game to doing a blanket boast on Facebook....

Fluffyears · 21/08/2015 18:51

There is a good Scottish response 'did ye, aye?' Or 'huv ye, aye?'Kevin
Bridges style lol. It's the way it's delivered and is a put down up here.

Tryharder · 21/08/2015 18:56

She's not boasting. She's just telling you her good news and sharing information with you.

Boasting implies oneupmanship; given that you are not selling a house then there is not competition perceived or otherwise.

Selling a house can be a nightmare; if you can't be pleased for her relatively smooth transaction then you are not a friend. It sounds like you would be glad if things were going badly for her Hmm

helenahandbag · 21/08/2015 19:04

I have a friend like this. She openly copies me on everything from dresses to pairs of glasses to, most recently, my new bedding. She fell out with me a few years ago because she loved my new umbrella and I wouldn't give it to her - seriously, she straight up asked if she could have it! She got engaged and before even telling me how he proposed she told me that the ring cost £3000.

I sometimes wonder if the friendship is worth it. DP hates her and has since the first time he met her.

Original poster
Drmum83 · 21/08/2015 19:17

To those saying I'm the one with the problem, I agree that on the info I've given, some may interpret it as that. I wish I could write down the full background and previous info on this but a) haven't got several days and b) you wouldn't be arsed to read reams of it!
The crux is she openly admits that she's competing with a mutual friend who is currently having an extension built and is expecting a baby soon. My best mate has had a falling out with her and wants to move to get away from her as they live in same street, (fair enough) but wants to prove that her current house was the 'best bargain' out of the two (best friend feels mutual friends paid over the odds and houses are similar)
She wants to complete before baby is born so that them moving to a bigger house outshines the birth and extension.

OP posts:
Original poster
Drmum83 · 21/08/2015 19:21

All I'm trying to do is keep out of it all but maintain friendships and was seeking your advice as to how to not play into the materialistic, childish games. I want the best for her and her family but I guess I'm deep down upset that she thinks by boasting to me, it'll make me feel inadequate in some way, eg 'the schools in new area are amazing for DS' when 5 mins prior I'd confided that the schools in my area were shite)

OP posts:
Original poster
Drmum83 · 21/08/2015 19:23

Helenahandbag - is that umbrella thing a joke???!!

OP posts:
SanityClause · 21/08/2015 19:24

She's either a really good friend, so you could forgive the childish boasting, or she's not, and you can't.

Mrsjayy · 21/08/2015 19:26

Channel Mrs Brown and say thats nice Grin there is nothing you can say really she is your friend just be happy for her but dont go into to much detail about anything

helenahandbag · 21/08/2015 19:30

Not a joke, I swear. Slight backstory was that the umbrella (very pretty and unusual design) was handed in to the office by a customer who was travelling back to their home country and no longer needed it, so said it was free to a good home. I asked the manager if I could have it and she said yes.

Friend, who was colleague at the time, saw it the next day and was furious that I got to it before she did. Asked if she could have it, I said no and she stopped speaking to me Confused

Chickychickyparmparm · 21/08/2015 19:40

She sounds really tiresome, OP. Why do you want to have to deal with that? Isn't a friend someone who makes you feel good about yourself?

dilbert19912 · 21/08/2015 19:43

She sounds really excited and so would I be, just say you're pleased for her.
I wouldn't consider this stealth boasting at all

HazleNutt · 21/08/2015 19:53

"I'm deep down upset that she thinks by boasting to me, it'll make me feel inadequate in some way" - see, doesn't sound like something a friend would do. Frenemy, more like it.

MagalyMaman · 21/08/2015 19:56

She sold her house in 7 hours?!?!

Well, I'm impressed!

Original poster
Drmum83 · 21/08/2015 20:04

Yep! 7 hours and offer made for close to asking price. They have five more viewings tomorrow so they're holding out for those.
I guess, as I wish to continue being friends, I need to accept this is the way she is and focus on the positives. I think I'm hoping I can formulate a magical response which will encourage her to modify her behaviour but she's a grown woman and hence unlikely to change . Maybe I should modify my own reaction to it!
(Still pissing me off though)
Joy of joys we're going on hol with them next month.

OP posts:
DriverSurpriseMe · 21/08/2015 20:41

I believe you OP Grin

At face value, these things don't sound overtly stealth boasty (though FATEdestiny is spot on) but when there's a long back story of being competitive and boasty, of course you're going to be hyper aware of when you're being boasted at Wink

I think telling you how much money they've made and "this is too easy" is very boasty and kind of distasteful. Like you're supposed to crack open the champagne in honour!

dodobookends · 21/08/2015 20:55

"That's nice" seems to cover most eventualities.

Oh and if her house has sold in 7 hours, then the agent undervalued it.

Original poster
Drmum83 · 21/08/2015 20:57

Thanks DriverSurpriseMe..! You're spot on! I actually feel sorry for her really as she never feels happy with her current lot and always wants to move up/out do others. It must be frigging knackering to not switch off!

OP posts:
VeryPunny · 21/08/2015 20:57

If you need to take the wind out of their sails, my stock responses are "Aren't you clever!" Or "isn't that nice?"

Original poster
Drmum83 · 21/08/2015 21:08

Ha! That's a good one VeryPunny. Will store in my bank of put downs.

Anyone any other anecdotes of similar situations? Think umbrella story is up there!

OP posts:
Chickychickyparmparm · 21/08/2015 21:40

A friend of mine used to do this faux pity thing with me because my DH earned less than hers. We weren't badly off, just a bit stretched living in London with me on mat leave.

Then DH got a job abroad, earning around the same as her DH but with a decent expat package. She called me to tell me she'd read about how dangerous the country was and that she'd never take her DCs away from their extended family because " it gave the DCs the message that family isn't important". We're not friends now, it's too exhausting being in competition with someone. I don't know how much the rest of my friends own or how much they paid for their houses and I'm not really interested.

Rachel0Greep · 21/08/2015 21:52

OP, I think I know what you mean. I had similar with someone who used to be a close friend. Not any more. I can't think of any good examples, offhand, but gradually I copped on that it was this competitive thing she had going on. We aren't close friends now. Like you said, it would require reams of detail to explain. In my case, she let me down, once too often, in addition to the nonsensical competition, in which I had no interest, or desire to take part, so we are on much more distant terms now. I did learn some non-committal responses to use, over time, similar to some suggested on here.