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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so sensitive about this?

31 replies

Monkeysee100 · 20/08/2015 12:41

I've posted about a similar issue before. Long story short both my BIL and his partner and me and DH have children with fairly serious (but different conditions). Our child is doing well but impact in future is uncertain. In laws child needs special schooling and childcare is mostly taken take of by other family members who are getting on a little.

We've been very cautious and had testing re having other children. My SIL 'accidentally' fell pregnant (within days of best friend who she copies in everything) even though they have 50% chance of same condition and no way to test.

We've tried to stay out if things except mutual relatives and family members are being taken advantage of despite being off work and perfectly healthy, my SIL has barely spent any time with her child who has special needs. The whole focus seems to be the new baby.

I'm completely fed up of their attention seeking (planning to tell me of the new baby at a small family occasion when everyone else knew and when we were going through genetic testing) and them palming off their child constantly. Plus they did nothing special for her birthday but planning an extravagant naming day for new baby.

I'm a bit miffed that my child isn't getting the same level of attention from family members who look after them but that's beside the point. BIL and SIL completely taking the piss and not bothering with the child they have and I can see the pressure on family members to increase even more. My DH was asked to babysit their new baby overnight (before the first scan and before I was even told) when the baby would only a few weeks old!

No one will say anything as they'll threaten to break contact with grandchildren. It's making me so cross. I have a terrible poker face and find it hard to bite my tongue!

OP posts:
happymummyone · 20/08/2015 13:06

Nothing you can do about it obviously, but understand your upset. It's all good and well having children of the responsibility to look after them isn't placed on someone else's shoulders. Let's just hope second baby is healthy so the family does not have to be put under extra strain. Best thing you can do is just bite your tongue unfortunately and be supportive in any way that you can.

BalloonSlayer · 20/08/2015 13:12

What would you say to them though?

You both have DCs with serious conditions, I am not sure whether both DCs have genetic conditions, or just your DC, or whether their DC has a non-genetic condition but that they run the risk of having a DC with the same condition as yours.

People cope differently with having children with serious conditions. Maybe they just can't cope with the idea having genetic testing done and prefer to close their eyes and trust to luck or "put it in God's hands" as my (totally unreligious) Dad used to say.

saintlyjimjams · 20/08/2015 13:18

They're allowed to have second children even with a chance of disability. Just as you're allowed to decide not to....

What they do shouldn't have any impact on you at all.

How do they know there's a 50% chance though?

Booboostwo · 20/08/2015 13:44

I can imagine that if you are undergoing genetic testing which will impact on how many children you will decide to have in the future you must be very stressed, but overall you are being unfair to your SIL and over involved in your business.

Your SIL deciding to have another child is none of your business. Her using ILS for childcare is for them to sort out. Telling you of the new baby when you were undergoing testing is not attention seeking; it may have been difficult for you to hear but she is not obliged to take contraception until you decide what you want to do about future children. Asking your DH to babysit is a perfectly reasonable request, he should decline if he cannot do it.

ILS should not be playing favourites between grandchildren but if they are it's hardly your SIL's fault.

Booboostwo · 20/08/2015 13:45

'Her business' - sorry.

Original poster
Monkeysee100 · 21/08/2015 17:02

I think my message came across wrong. I'm cross at the dumping and neglect of their child.

I just added the other stuff as background. I appreciate that they can do as they please but I hate seeing them take advantage of finally members.

Also our testing was precautionary and our chances are good of having no future problems. They have been told by a consultant that 50% is their risk factor which only concerns me as if (and hopefully not) the new child is affected it will mean more pressure on family with no one speaking up. Their choices are their own but they are impacting on us.

And I feel ILs are playing favourites to make up for them being crap and needy.

OP posts:
DonkeyOaty · 21/08/2015 17:13

It's not dumping or neglect Shock

Jeez

Original poster
Monkeysee100 · 21/08/2015 17:15

To be home all day and give your child to someone else everyday for most of the day?

OP posts:
YUDOTHIS · 21/08/2015 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Monkeysee100 · 21/08/2015 17:35

Read it! Not new child, their other!

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 21/08/2015 17:37

People can only be 'taken advantage of' if they allow themselves to be. The choices of family members are up to them. Perhaps they don't feel they're being taken advantage of.

How are iLs playing favourites? Are they refusing to take care of your child or have they stopped visiting or giving 'treats' or canceling plans with your family in order to do these things with SiL/BiL? If not, then it's none of your business. If so, then speak up and tell them so,

And I don't think you're cross at their 'dumping' their child. I think you're cross that they're taking a chance that you choose not to take or wouldn't take in their place.

In their place, I probably wouldn't chose to take the chance of another disabled child. And in your place, I would be eternally grateful that genetic testing will allow me to make an informed choice.

Icouldbesogoodforyou · 21/08/2015 17:49

You're envious that your child isn't getting the same level of attention and did say that in your OP.

That's understandable but don't try and dress it up as being annoyed about how they deal with their children.

Envy is a normal human feeling, it's OK to feel disgruntled that you or you child appears to get less than another family member.

Recognise that and work through it and you'll feel a lot better.

Original poster
Monkeysee100 · 21/08/2015 18:14

And I also said that my child getting less attention was beside the point. We do a lot with my child and so do her other grandparents so she's not missing out vastly. The family who help out both parties are afraid of the fall out (big rows, banning them from seeing children- has been threatened before)

And them making the choice I wouldn't is the same thing. I don't do it because it's wrong.

And the disability would be vastly improved with a slight bit of effort and their part. Also thanks for the condescension I understand what this is about. I'm not envious in the slightest.

Also how patronising! My child is so lucky to have a detectable condition! Lucky, lucky us! We've worked bloody hard to ensure our child overcomes her obstacles.

I haven't visited mumsnet for so long and remembered why! Reactionary responses instead if measured discussion

OP posts:
ArendelleQueen · 21/08/2015 18:41

You do sound envious of the fact that family enable them and give them so much attention. I'm not sure what you're even asking, what are you feeling sensitive about?

ArendelleQueen · 21/08/2015 18:42

I've read again; it's nothing to do with you if family choose to put themselves out by assisting with childcare.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/08/2015 19:22

"No one will say anything as they'll threaten to break contact with grandchildren."
So PIL are not choosing to provide this much childcare; they are afraid not to?

Icouldbesogoodforyou · 21/08/2015 19:38

It's not reactionary - it's based on what you said. Nothing you said suggests a child is being abused or physically neglected and needs reporting to SS. So it's about your perception of what is good enough - probably related to how you parent in a different way. If you don't 'palm' your children off to other people and you publicly celebrate birthdays then people that do things differently seem odd to you and you feel you can assess their parenting as deficient or nor good enough

You can do that. You can be pissed off. You can be cross. You can judge. You can think they don't do enough or care enough. You can feel that way and that's fine.

It doesn't mean it's any of your business or anything you can do anything about.

It is not down to you to judge whether neurotypical adults are being taken advantage of. It's up to them to judge that.

Littlef00t · 21/08/2015 19:41

Hold on, SIL has a newborn and relatives are looking after the toddler. Have you forgotten how hard it is to look after a newborn? How tiring? And how boring for a toddlers to hang around when mum is constantly dealing with the new baby.

If sounds like it's further frustrating behaviour for you, but in isolation it's not really that bad.

AuntyMag10 · 21/08/2015 19:43

Absolutely every issue that you've outlined is none of your business. If your il are being used or taken advantage of then it's up to them to sort out. Whether they have more children or not is again not your concern. You're just upset your child isn't getting the same attention, you've said that in your op. Then address this issue specifically with them but don't make it a competitive issue .

Original poster
Monkeysee100 · 21/08/2015 20:37

Pil are too kind hearted and indulgent of their child.

This has gone on way before new child. Sil having extended time at home alone with no work to do and no other child.

It's only my business as far as caring about overworked relatives.

And when was this thread 'is this my business?'

In a nutshell, as it seems needed, aibu that relatives are being taken advantage of?

OP posts:
AuntyMag10 · 21/08/2015 20:39

Is sil their daughter or bil their son?

ArendelleQueen · 21/08/2015 20:45

Yes, YABU because it's their choice if they want to do this, even if you think they are being manipulated. They are grown ups, capable of doing what they want, even if you don't like it.

Original poster
Monkeysee100 · 21/08/2015 20:45

BIL

OP posts:
AuntyMag10 · 21/08/2015 20:47

How involved is sil family? You seem to have support from your own parents. Perhaps they are trying to compensate if sil family isn't very much involved?

AuntyMag10 · 21/08/2015 20:49

How involved is sil family? You seem to have support from your own parents. Perhaps they are trying to compensate if sil family isn't very much involved?