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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that the whole 'naughty step' concept is tosh

112 replies

mrsruffallo · 18/08/2015 20:46

It is isn't it? Does anyone even keep it up? Naughty step, naughty corner, the whole concept seems wrong somehow. Yet it is always the first thing advised by many self proclaimed parenting experts. Don't you think it's time we called them on it?

OP posts:

NinkyNonky · 19/08/2015 09:50

Excellent post Bertie

Millionprammiles · 19/08/2015 10:19

We call it 'thinking time' and use dd's room but its the same concept as the naughty step. Works well for us.

Tbh you might as well say "the whole controlled crying/baby led weaning/co-sleeping/insert whatever parenting tactic you fancy, is tosh". There isn't any universal parenting truth. Apart from keep them alive and don't give them away, however much you feel like it sometimes

FreudiansSlipper · 19/08/2015 10:19

Agree with everything that Bertie posted

I have seen the naughty step being used with children who are as young as 2. A child of that age will not be able to sit and reflect on what they have done, the wrong and rights of their actions and decide it's best to apologise (or maybe not) they will just learn to say sorry because this is what mummy/daddy or whoever wants to hear because they have been placed on naughty step/stool

MyNewAccount · 19/08/2015 10:32

It really depends on your kids a lot too. My pal with an only child hardly had any discipline issues at all. However as a parent of 4 kids all very close in age I did. it was like a zoo I don't think that a surprise and don't think it's a reflection on our parenting.

If you have four kids within a 5/6 year time frame having a method that you can use consistanly and fairly on all them is a good thing and having a method where you remove one or more children from a situation is Essential. It diffused heated situations and meant I didn't yell that much

The idea of calmly and positively discussing every issue in situ sounds great but quite frankly I can't picture how that would have worked. It sounds like a lot of negotiating.

My now adult kids are still extremely repsectful and polite. I never once, even when they were little, had any issues with them misbehaving at school.

I honestly don't think it matters whether you call it time out or the naughty step. It's much more to do with the tone and way that it is used.

BertieBotts · 19/08/2015 13:24

You don't have to calmly and positively discuss every issue though. That is also bull. It is a fallacy invented by people who like the idea of a system that enables them to rule by fear/power/bigness (and hence want to poo-pooh the alternatives) and of course it wouldn't work in real life. It's not a case of harsh punishments vs calm hour-long chats. It's just not that black and white.

I gave lots of examples of immediate ways you can deal with behaviour without being punitive. Time out is one of them and yes I agree that the name is not as important as the intention and the tone - you can call it time out or the fluffy wuffy step if you like and have it be really horrible with lots of shouting, threatening, dragging and shaming. Alternatively it can be a neutral way to get some space for everyone involved. Would have to argue though that names can be destructive. Schools still send children out of classes for being disruptive, but there would be outrage if they brought back the dunce cap. I do think that the word naughty has different meanings to different people. If you think of it as something transient and temporary and mostly neutral perhaps slightly on the unwanted, not negative, side, then it's not really going to be an issue to use it but if you tend to think of it more as a very bad word which degrades a person's whole character then it's going to be similar to calling it something like "the stupid step" or "the twat step" which I don't think anybody would use ever. Does that make sense?

bogspavin · 19/08/2015 13:40

I used to use it in the early days (sparingly and only for serious transgressions!)

We never called it the naughty step. Agree with 'neutral space' idea.

It was just a place to go to, to calm down and reflect, and basically to let "offender" know that if their behaviour was unacceptable in a group situation, and they couldn't get along with others in a reasonable manner, then they will be temporarily removed from the group.

However, the lesson learned being that it is a privilege to have family and friends and they deserve to be treated with respect, just the same way the child is treated.

And I have found that excluding a child from the fun (or whatever is happening) for a few minutes is effective particularly, as they then don't get lots of attention for the wrong reasons.

As others have said, it also has the advantage of providing a breathing space for everyone to calm down, and not act out of anger, parents included.

Worked well for us.

Still does in a way as dd gets sent to her room (very occasionally) now if she is totally out of order.

CruCru · 19/08/2015 14:09

I don't use it. I think the problem is, it's meant to only be used for "serious" offenses (the sort of thing that would have resulted in smacking in the old days). People I know overuse it - their kids are put on it for not keeping hair clips in, making a mess, not cooperating with getting dressed.

campervan67 · 19/08/2015 14:18

I used to use it when the DC were little, and it definitely worked, but I wish I hadn't called it the naughty step. These days I usually send them to their room for time out if they need it.

Thurlow · 19/08/2015 14:20

It works well for us - but I do agree that it probably has a lot to do with the child's personality in the first place.

It's not the naughty step but, as others have said, it is a space for time out where DD can calm down. We don't have one place specifically, we just remove her from the situation and get her to sit somewhere apart. In one sense, it's just another method of the "ignore, ignore, ignore" people recommend for tantrums.

I feel that an explanation of why she is being asked to have some time out, and an apology afterwards, works well with DD's personality.

I certainly don't think it's the only thing that can be done. However I am curious (generally) what people who don't use some form of time out do as a form of discipline or calming their DC down?

Personally, I would rather DD went in time out than I shouted at her for doing something naughty.

Lochandburn · 19/08/2015 14:21

I hate, hate, hate the phrase and the concept passionately. It has caused a 10 year rift in our family after Sil put DS on it at my in-laws. I'll never forget his tearful, confused little face when I walked in.

Booboostwo · 19/08/2015 14:23

I've used it with DD and it has worked well. Until about 18mo I could stop her from hitting others by explaining that it hurt them, but somewhere around 2yo that strategy stopped working and she wouldn't stop hitting. She would hit me so removing her from the situation would not work. I did time out with her, the first time I had to return her to the area for the first 40 minutes before I could get her to stay there for 30 seconds (too young to expect her to wait for 2 minutes). The second time I had to use it she knew what was expected and stayed on the spot immediately, that was also the last time she hit. I have had to use it three more times in the last 2 years, all for serious problems, where she had received two warnings but would not stop the behaviour.

hopperglove · 19/08/2015 14:24

It's not my thing, I don't use star charts either.

Jengnr · 19/08/2015 14:57

We use it but only for serious stuff - hitting and biting. The message is that that isn't acceptable and you will be removed from any fun. I don't time it, I just leave him for a bit, go and talk to him about why he's there, have a hug and it's done with. He is learning what behaviour is unacceptable and that there are
consequences so I think it's quite effective.

Lady1d · 19/08/2015 15:07

we use it as I feel a child needs to know when there behaviour is unacceptable. Everybody has to be taught boundaries and I feel it has worked for us. There is no point dishing out empty threats which is something I come across daily - actions have consequences and I think children need to realise this

toomuchtooold · 19/08/2015 15:20

We gave up on the naughty step after DD1, having had her favourite toy bunny stolen by her sister, walked up to her, slapped her about the head and then took herself off to the naughty step with an air of righteous triumph about her. It was like "she asked for it, I did it, and I'd do it all over again."

DaddyDr · 19/08/2015 15:22

We defiantly use the naughty step,and damn right its called a naughty step. He has a temper tantrum, that's naughty, he lashes out, that naughty, he throws a toy, that's naughty. So why not tell him off and punish him by having him sit away from the fun.
We have done it from 18 months old, he gets one warning, if he continues then its naughty step. He'll always take himself and we're very consistent with it.
My sis in law however was very sporadic with the use of it for her two kids, sometimes sit on it, other times the same thing would go unpunished.
I know who I think is better behaved in public and who has the better concept of right a wrong.

It may not work for all, but if used right and persisted with it can be a very good tool to teach children what's acceptable and what's not.
And best of all, its NOTHING like smacking.....

Loki17 · 19/08/2015 15:27

I call it 'time out' but it works brilliantly for us. No shame, just removal from the situation and a chance for dd to reset.

Mrsjayy · 19/08/2015 15:28

The naughty step is nothing like smacking thats ridiculous however I think its over used and if its overused then it isnt effective imo i raised toddlers before the naughty step but i did a time out thing they had to sit on the couch just so they would calm down and stop whatever was happening which is basically the same concept as naughty step

Mrsjayy · 19/08/2015 15:29

I think it can be over used*

sebsmummy1 · 19/08/2015 15:30

I use Time Out and it's very effective.

NickiFury · 19/08/2015 15:31

It's nonsense. I've never used it. Children go to their rooms when things get out of hand to give everyone time to calm down. Then we have a chat about what went on and how we can do better next time. My kids are lovely, polite and caring .

Thurlow · 19/08/2015 15:40

But Nicki, that sounds almost the same thing. Just a step, or a chair etc, is used instead of a room to give kids a chance to cool down?

DeandraReynolds · 19/08/2015 15:46

Nicki you have described the same thing.

kesstrel · 19/08/2015 15:48

"You don't have to calmly and positively discuss every issue though. That is also bull. It is a fallacy invented by people who like the idea of a system that enables them to rule by fear/power/bigness (and hence want to poo-pooh the alternatives"

Sorry, but that's just not true. This strategy was seriously advocated by many 20 years ago. I remember both reading about it, hearing it on the radio, and hearing it vehemently advocated by friends/acquantances (and they were very left-wing and anti-authority). I had the opportunity to observe one visiting friend who took it seriously (and she was a nursery school teacher); if she was feeding younger DS, her older 5 year old DS would come up and deliberately hit his little brother. She would then turn her attention to older DS in order to "reason" with him for ten minutes or more - completely oblivious to the fact that she was rewarding and reinforcing his bad behaviour by giving him exactly what he wanted. This was repeated over and over in various situations over the course of the (nightmarish) weekend. His behaviour was, in general, completely appalling,

NickiFury · 19/08/2015 15:49

No I haven't because it's not a "naughty" area, it's a hey go and play in your room for a bit and have a think and I will too.

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