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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that the whole 'naughty step' concept is tosh

112 replies

mrsruffallo · 18/08/2015 20:46

It is isn't it? Does anyone even keep it up? Naughty step, naughty corner, the whole concept seems wrong somehow. Yet it is always the first thing advised by many self proclaimed parenting experts. Don't you think it's time we called them on it?

OP posts:
Whathaveilost · 18/08/2015 21:27

I probably would call it a time out step now. I used it. DS is 19 and DS2 is 15 and it gave us all a breather. I used to say sit there and think why I am cross with you or come back when you can behave better, things like that.

No harm done, I've got two fantastic lads who can't even remember it!

To be fair it was the ' naughty' step. No point in sugar coating their behaviour. What ever they had done warranted them being ounished, I didn't do it for a laugh for goodness she. Of course they were excluded and told why ' nobody likes that sort of behaviour round here! ( and other phrases my mother used to say!)

How do you keep them on it ( well mine was at the bottom of the stairs)
If they came back I would ask them are they going to behave better now? If they did fine but if not back. Repeat as necessary.
To be fair I didn't have to do it that often.

I never used the ' go to your bedroom' punishment. Not much of a punishment when they can lie on their bed reading comics and playing with toys!

NotMyMonkey · 18/08/2015 21:28

morellike how is it anything like smacking?

Whathaveilost · 18/08/2015 21:30

Out of interest those that don't like the time out/ naughty step how do you discipline your child when they behave badly?

surreygoldfish · 18/08/2015 21:34

Nope, never worked for us. 3DC one of which is naturally compliant and the other two whilst lovely I call 'high maintenance! Time out/ naughty step never worked. We were probably not consistent enough either in its use or whether time out or a consequence. However, eldest has never liked authority - time out, consequences, bribes etc....none worked. Taken me 14 years to accept that the only solution is to rationalise with him when he's calm ( fortunately now more often than not and 99% of the time he's a pleasure) and for him to accept personal responsibility. Wasted many hours and both my own and his sanity in the past...

ScrumpyBetty · 18/08/2015 21:44

RJ I'm really interested to hear your take on the naughty step, as a place without stimulation, and not being about punishment but about saying something positive afterwards- can you tell me more how you would use this? I also don't like the idea of a 'naughty step' but agree that a safe place to have a time out seems like a good idea.

Perpendiculous · 18/08/2015 21:48

What are other methods apart from the naughty/time out step?

My dd is only one but I've been thinking about what I'll do when she's older. Her cousins on one side are told to sit on the naughty step, her other cousins don't ever hear the word no!

FreudiansSlipper · 18/08/2015 21:48

It would depend on what ds has done and age

When he was younger (3-5) and had done something he was aware he shouldn't have done I would tell him if he had a tantrum I would stay with him until he calmed down then ask why quick talk then move on

Rarity08 · 18/08/2015 21:52

The problem with concepts such as this is that children respond differently to certain methods. There is no 'one size fits all' where children's behaviour and enforcing boundaries are concerned.

Lavenderice · 18/08/2015 22:56

Like anything else it's a technique that if it's worked at can produce wondrous results, but it's not just about suddenly starting it and expecting your child to understand it and stay sitting on the stairs (or wherever you chose) straight away.

To suggest it's like smacking is offensive and ridiculous.

mushypeasontoast · 18/08/2015 23:03

I put my 14yr old ds1 on the time out step last Christmas. He thought I was joking at first until I returned him. He then stretched across the floor with his toes on the stairs like he used when he was preschool ageGrin
In my defence we were not at home and he was behaving very out of character and being a pain in the behind.

We have a laugh about it now... Blush

ZetaPu · 18/08/2015 23:04

I've never used the naughty step either. I just told them off if the kids did anything naughty. Would probably get a bit shouty but that would be it.
I never felt the need to punish them any further.
They're quite well behaved generally.

00100001 · 18/08/2015 23:07

What discipline techniques do naysayers use?

DoJo · 18/08/2015 23:23

I'm not a naysayer per se, but it just never worked for me as my son refuses to sit on it - it's all very well to say 'keep returning them' but if he literally won't allow any part of his body to touch the step without being physically forced then it somewhat undermines the process to have to sit on him to get any sort of compliance at all.
We have a sort of 'toy time out' for really bad behaviour - a toy goes out of reach for an appropriate period of time, which gives him an immediate sanction and demonstrates that there is a consequence to his actions. We do sometimes have a 'talk on the step' when he has calmed down after a big tantrum, which is just where we sit without distractions to talk about whatever happened if needs be.

Bambambini · 18/08/2015 23:38

Tried it and didn't work - some kids just won't stay and there is something a bit off about completely physically forcing a young child to be compliant at all costs. So I wonder whether it is that much different from smacking if you have to be that physical about it.

Rarity08 · 18/08/2015 23:49

My youngest db has autism and global learning impairment. This would never have worked with him.

DayToDayShit · 18/08/2015 23:54

Never used it. It doesn't matter really whether you call it a 'time out' step or 'naughty' step. The concept is the same. You have done y z wrong so you must sit there and consider your actions until I tell you to get off it. Baloney to me.

DisappointedOne · 18/08/2015 23:58

Hate it (but am in a minority in the extended family). One relative has just implemented it for her just 2 year old. Anything she doesn't like she dumps him on the bottom step for 5 minutes regardless of it being normal 2 year old behaviour or whatever

Have never needed to punish DD. None of my friends use it etc.

MyNewAccount · 18/08/2015 23:59

My kids are adults now but I used Time Outs (on the bottom step of the stairs) for years. My 4 DC were and are well behaved and time outs worked well for us. I never had a problem with them leaving before their time out was up.

It gave them time to calm down and reflect and would usually remove them from the scene of the 'crime'. It seemed a gentle punishment.

Sometimes my kids would put themselves in time out without any involvement from me.

Misty9 · 19/08/2015 00:00

I previously disliked the concept and preferred to reassure my kids that their big emotions weren't too big for me to handle. Then ds turned three Grin and after months of shouty hell, we've started the 'thinking stair' to fairly good effect so far. It's for consistency and also, mainly, to stop us both from getting so wound up. It's helping me by giving us time out and stopping me from crossing a line with my temper. He does stay sat on it and sees the utility of it too i think. His toddler sister is already more of a handful than ds ever was, so we'll see how things go with her!

DisappointedOne · 19/08/2015 00:02

m.huffpost.com/uk/entry/7330790

MyNewAccount · 19/08/2015 00:05

BTW my eldest is 24 Time Outs have been around a long time. I can't remember when I first started using them but I guess it was 3'ish

Girlwhowearsglasses · 19/08/2015 00:35

'Time out' is what it is and not necessarily as a punishment. IME even if you go on a parenting course they aren't clear on whether it's a punishment/sanction/consequence or an opportunity for calming down.

For us it's no good with an ADHD child because the anger and arguments escalate and you find you're then arguing about 'time out' implementation. We do ignoring and lack of eye contact as a way of defusing, the behaviour has usually come form stress and to add to that isn't going to work. Persuading him to go somewhere to calm down can be difficult- but more do-able

BertieBotts · 19/08/2015 00:36

It is similar to smacking in the sense that it is a generic punishment which is unrelated to the crime. Of course it's different in the sense that it's not painful or frightening (unless the child is still having separation anxiety in which case it might be frightening).

I don't like calling it a "naughty" step and insisting on apologies, dwelling on what is wrong etc - that's basically how Supernanny dressed it up to make good TV and I don't like that approach. It feels very "punishment-y". Which is why some make a comparison to smacking. If you're intending for it to be unpleasant then yes it is similar.

Time out is different because it's removing a child from a situation to calm down. You don't worry if they are having a nice or a boring time, you don't intend for it to be something specifically unpleasant, (though you prob wouldn't go out of your way to make it nice either) you might not leave them alone. It might look similar but the underlying aim is different and this is key.

I think the model of good behaviour = reward and bad behaviour = punishment is hopelessly outdated and simplistic and anything which is based solely on this won't work. Even positive parenting which is overload of praise/reward for any good behaviour and ignoring bad. That doesn't really work either. Neither does endlessly swapping one generic punishment for another as soon as it becomes unfashionable (smacking < naughty step < removing privileges or whatever)

Because if you think about it, what's the purpose of a punishment anyway? It's either to communicate "I don't like that", in which case, there are myriad other ways to communicate, including saying "I don't like that", prevention, literally stopping them in their tracks and distraction if they are too little to understand words and reason. Sometimes it doesn't work to just say stop and why, but sometimes it does. Don't dismiss it out of hand.

Or it's a deterrent. You make the threat so that they hopefully don't want to even attempt it, or you immediately punish so that the associate the action with something bad. But again you can do this in other ways. You can directly prevent the behaviour or make it very difficult, you can make the alternative and wanted action an easier choice or more appealing, you can explain exactly why something isn't okay, you can also make the deterrent directly related, like having to clean up their own mess, pay for damages, apologise directly to a person they have upset, etc. Or (radical idea here) instead of stopping/preventing them from attempting something, make it safe for them to attempt, meet them halfway or let them try it and find out what happens for themselves, especially if it's likely to put them off or (conversely) if they might actually manage it, obviously depending on what it is.

Sometimes you need to stop something immediately. So stop it immediately. Remove them from the situation, perhaps with a short explanation, then that's it. You don't need to add something else onto it like an arbitrary time limit or a humiliating name or something intended to be painful/unpleasant. I would also agree with removing an item (for example) which is being used inappropriately or removing a privilege which is not being respected (for older children). This is an appropriate protective measure by parents, rather than a punishment - the aim is different, again. When you ground them to stop them crossing a dangerous road you're preventing them from going to the road unsupervised. When you ground them for swearing you're not preventing them from swearing.

Then the last purpose of punishment is some kind of payback. If it's actually making a situation which they caused better, then this is good. If it's just to make you feel better or because you feel they "deserve" something bad to happen then, um, no. That's just called taking your children's behaviour personally and seeking revenge, and it should have no place. IMO.

DisappointedOne · 19/08/2015 00:44

YY Girl

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 19/08/2015 08:43

When DS is having a bit of a moment, removing him from the situation calms him down. I dont yell at him, I just pick hI'm up and pop him on the step. He calms down, pretty quickly and comes and hugs me, we have a chat about acceptable behaviour and we get on with our day. It's not used often, but on the rare occasions he gets worked up, you can't talk to him without him yelling "DON'T TALK TO ME" so popping him on the step sorts it out without making a drama out of it.