Giving up 'wife work' how to detach and not feel guilty

[HaonDo]

Do you all do the birthday, Christmas, Mothers/Father's Day cards etc for your DP/H side of the family?

For numerous reasons, I've decided I'm no longer going to do it, I just fell into it really, DH never asked me to do it but I just kinda thought it was my job.

His family have never been that nice to me. Told DH his side of the family is his responsibility now, he said he's fine with that.

His mothers bday is coming up, I'm really trying to stop myself from reminding him, buying a card for him to sign, sending flowers etc.

I'll feel awful if he forgets and she thinks I'm bad mannered. She's the type of person who thinks that's all the woman's job ie admonished me for not sending DH's uncle a card for his bday, I've never met the man or knew when his bday was. Apparently I was supposed to find out all my inlaws family's bdays.

Anyway, what do you all do?

I am not sure it is about men being self centred.

All this "wife work" also includes organising christmas for everyone, birthday celebrations for kids, buying Easter eggs etc.

My OH grew up without a mother- as one of four his father wouldn't even tell the kids when their birthday was.

So he has a kind of excuse. However my OH is a devoted father, grafts his socks off and spends all his free time with his family.
He puts every penny he spends into my bank account, and never questions my spending.

I feel I have a fair deal, even if it means having to send his family christmas cards.

I don't do it. I'm very much judged for it. I live with it, but there are times it stresses me more than I wish it did.

I don't do it. We have a family diary and I write all the birthdays and events in on New Years Day. It's my ritual. After that DH is on his own.

He was late with MILs card this year but I think she blamed him not me. I suspect she thinks I'm a big new fangled by expecting him to continue to running his own life after we were married but she keeps her opinions to herself!

I used to remind DH but I have stopped now.

I have also totally stopped sending Christmas cards to his family. I used to do that as part of a giant list of cards (like, 100+) but the postage costs got ridiculous so I stopped a couple of years ago. I cut my list down to about 10 aged aunts etc, and told DH to do his own.

I mean why am I spending 70p sending a Christmas card to his aunt's daughter and her husband who I wouldn't know if they walked in the room? Asked DH and he said "well, you might not get a card back from them!" Oooh do you know what - I am fine with that .

I hate the way it became my job. I also used to spend a lot of time and (not that much) money sourcing gifts for extraneous members of his family (his cousin's daughter, his goddaughter, etc) which was hard as I didn't really know what they would want. Have told DH they are all too old to expect a gift - if he wants he can give them some money. It's a great relief!

Well done to all those on the thread who are standing firm!

I do for my pil as I like them and dh is a bit rubbish - they know fine rightly it's me

I don't blame my sil. I just think it's annoying that she expects presents from me when she knows perfectly well that my brother has forgotten about his neice for the last two years. My child is also her neice btw not just his and we don't do adult presents.

I think it matters less to men. I think the pressure comes from other women (DMs, MiLs) to do all this stuff, so it becomes a bit of a self-perpetuating cycle. Men don't suffer the same kind of social disapproval if they don't do it, so they don't care as much.

I think I get away with it, because my own MiL didn't have a MiL (FIL's mother died before they met) and her own sister and SILs are all older than her, so she wasn't subject to expectations that are now being handed on to me.

I still think - if it matters to your MiL - that your DH should do it, because you should do whatever makes your mother happy. But we could probably all get on without it.

just dont bother - I used to do that stuff for DH's overseas family - presents for the cousin, school photos of the kids etc., but frankly it wasnt worth the effort as they turned out to be total cunts.

I don't do it at all. Dp does all his own shopping for his family and sends all the cards.
His family however seem to think I do it all. His aunties thank me for birthday cards that I haven't even clapped eyes on never mind wrote. If there is an anniversary coming up I get the email reminder.
I don't even know when their birthdays are and have no desire to.

I don't do it. I never have. Likewise I wouldn't expect him to get the cards / presents for my family.

If he forgets, he forgets...not my fault / problem and I certainly wouldn't feel bad about it!

I do much of that stuff for OH, but I don't mind as we are a team.

I think you should remind OH, but because you are helping him, not them.

I don't think you should make a point of not telling him, but if you remember you should remind him.

chanie44 I feel the same.

My OH does a lot for me too. I send cards on his behalf- he is always very thankful to me. He makes a point of bringing up the subject every christmas.
It's easier for me to do, I am very organised with addresses, postage times. I love choosing and writing cards, so it's a lot less effort for me to do than him.
He does most of the cooking, shopping and washing up over the christmas period- he loves cooking for my family and his.

As you say we are a team.

I do all the cards. I have a perpetual calendar and all birthdays and anniversaries are on there. DH thinks I shouldn't bother sending cards to his cousins as we and our children don't get a birthday or anniversary card but since I have one relative I like having people to make cards for and send. It does hurt when I send thoughtful gifts when babies appear but don't get a thank you though.