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Original poster

Giving up 'wife work' how to detach and not feel guilty

64 replies

HaonDo · 18/08/2015 13:19

Do you all do the birthday, Christmas, Mothers/Father's Day cards etc for your DP/H side of the family?

For numerous reasons, I've decided I'm no longer going to do it, I just fell into it really, DH never asked me to do it but I just kinda thought it was my job.

His family have never been that nice to me. Told DH his side of the family is his responsibility now, he said he's fine with that.

His mothers bday is coming up, I'm really trying to stop myself from reminding him, buying a card for him to sign, sending flowers etc.

I'll feel awful if he forgets and she thinks I'm bad mannered. She's the type of person who thinks that's all the woman's job ie admonished me for not sending DH's uncle a card for his bday, I've never met the man or knew when his bday was. Apparently I was supposed to find out all my inlaws family's bdays.

Anyway, what do you all do?

OP posts:
TheHouseOnTheLane · 18/08/2015 13:36

I've never done it. I'm not sure why I've never felt the duty...I didn't grow up in a particularly progressive home but it's never occurred to me to do that. It seems rather pathetic doesn't it?

TheHouseOnTheLane · 18/08/2015 13:37

Well OP if she sends you something then you need to send HER something....signed from yourself. Surely?

museumum · 18/08/2015 13:41

I've never done it which is far easier than not doing it.

My approach is to assume that dh has got it under control. If I find out he's been late or forgotten someone then it's really no shame on me.

It's quite clear how present buying is divided between us. I'm not going to start buying mil a separate gift from me - dh is responsible for buying from both of us. As I am for my family.

ZetaPu · 18/08/2015 13:41

If your mil was nice, you'd probably want to send her a card yourself.
It's not your problem if she's not a pleasant person.
You've done your bit so don't feel guilty.

Enb76 · 18/08/2015 13:41

Ooh, I'm sort of on the other side of this. My brother is completely useless at ever remembering to get presents for any of his nieces and nephews or any of his side of the family, however it is his responsibility within his marriage that his family is his. I totally agree with that in principle by the way, he should not be so feckless.

However, it means that my child never gets birthday presents or Christmas presents from his family and as much as I would like to make a point and not get his children stuff either, I am a reasonable human being and would feel terrible about ignoring his kids' birthdays. I also get given helpful hints from his wife about what stuff they'd like and I would like to snap back that when my child gets nothing it's a bit rich of her to expect more than a card for her children.

I don't know what the solution is to this but if any of you can suggest something that would be great.

WeAllFloat · 18/08/2015 13:42

My mil once pointedly told me it was my husbands great aunties birthday soon. I turned to my husband and said, "You'd better write it down then if you don't want to forget".

ZetaPu · 18/08/2015 13:43

Crossed post. If she sends you stuff then you should send back.

LadyBarlow · 18/08/2015 13:44

I've jacked this in too OP. I was always so good at sorting cards & presents & to be honest I just couldn't be arsed anymore especially when I returned to work full time! There have been a few surprised expressions when DHs family have opened presents he's bought but I have not got the time or the energy & people just need to deal with it!
I sort everything for our DCs presents & my v small family & that suits me fine.
My advice would be to stand firm & stick with your decision, if you relent a bit then before you know it you'll be back to square one

ClaudiusMaximus · 18/08/2015 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
HaonDo · 18/08/2015 13:48

Just signed from me seems petty or something does it? He's said he'll sort out his side of the family from now on, I want to be able to leave it to him. I call her on her bday anyway and if he hasn't sent her anything I'll deal with it then.

My gripe is, my family all send DH stuff for his bday and he has never sent them anything or been expected to.

She has this kind of belief that men are useless at this kind of thing and it's up to us women to do it or it'd never get done.......I think it's more it'd never get done because the men in our family couldn't be arsed as they've never had to.

OP posts:
happymummyone · 18/08/2015 14:25

Just don't do it, and don't let your MIL guilt you either, if she really wanted to instil the importance of remembering birthdays, that was her job and she failed. You don't have to be an extension of her, he's a grown man. Buy the man a calendar and tell him to find out when his own family have birthdays!

ChunkyPickle · 18/08/2015 14:48

I generally don't.. but.. MIL and one BIL I get on with well, so I do remind, and I do help out with choosing presents because I consider them to be friends as well as family.

Extended relatives/the BIL I don't talk to most days - no, that's entirely his problem, and I don't feel guilty at all.

It would be petty to just sign it from you - but how about if you sign it, get any kids to sign it, then leave it for him to sign - but don't remind him more than once. Then it's entirely up to him (God, the gameplaying is petty, but nothing changes otherwise)

NewLife4Me · 18/08/2015 14:52

YANBU to not want to do it and to give up doing these things for your lazy ass dh.

YABU to call it wife work and to do it in the first place though.
I'm a sahm of 24 years and would never dream of doing things like this that dh should be doing.

Poppytalk · 18/08/2015 14:59

Enb76 - when she suggests ideas for presents for their kids I would just reply to her that you assumed you weren't doing family presents any more as your don't receive from them. Pull off the plaster and wait and see what is said.

museumum · 18/08/2015 16:11

Enb76 - why are you blaming your sil? It's not her job. Speak to your brother!

Tell him that it's embarrassing when his wife gives you wish lists when he's not reciprocating.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 18/08/2015 16:17

I used to do all this for DH's family and then stopped when I realised neither DH not the recipients appreciated it.
They generally get nothing now as DH can't be bothered. But I know that they all blame me as they all see this as my job.

But I can live with that. Grin
Also stopped sending SIL stuff for her birthday when she and DB ignored my DH's birthday every year. Waited for a decade for them to acknowledge him, but they never did. So I stopped that too.

WorktoLive · 18/08/2015 16:19

Enb76 - your brother is useless because he knows his wife will sort it out for him. That's the whole point of this thread.

WorktoLive · 18/08/2015 16:25

Oh, I see that his wife quite rightly expects him to do presents for his own family. So you need to take your brother's inaction as indication that you have agreed not to exchange presents for the DCs. Just buy for your own.

TheCunnyFunt · 18/08/2015 16:30

My MIL tells me off if DH forgets a card for anyone on his side of the family Hmm she has always sorted all the cards and presents out for her family, she'd even go as far as to buy her own cards and presents, wrap the presents and leave her 4 DSs and DH the cards to write in for her Shock as a result, no-one ever gets cards off BILs and FIL (the family has all split up, my DH is the only one of MILs sons who is speaking to her) because they don't actually know when anyones birthdays are, they were always presented with a blank card and a pre wrapped gift.

BeautifulBatman · 18/08/2015 16:32

I do all cards/presents for both families/friends. I can't see what's to object to. But then I like my in laws so maybe that's the difference.

I've stopped doing presents/cards for DHs god children though. In the 7 years we've been together, not one of the parents has ever been bothered to get their little darlings to acknowledge the gift or send a thank you note.

LaurieFairyCake · 18/08/2015 16:34

I do the members of dh's family I like because I want input into their card/present

I don't like/bother about half his siblings and ive never felt obliged to do anything for them

amarmai · 18/08/2015 16:36

thank you for naming this 'wife work'. I am mid 70s and have been trying to name this sexist dumping on women for a long time. Hold the line op.

Nolim · 18/08/2015 16:39

I sort out christmas cards because i like then and he doesnt. One card for his family, many for mine. Regarding birthdays he sends regard to his family, i do the same for mine.

dejarderoncar · 18/08/2015 16:43

seems to me that this is just one of many, many things that the majority of men (clearly not all) are not at all interested in. In my opinion this is because men, either by nature, or by socialisation, do not tend to think much about other people.

I think they are by nature more self centred than women even from toddlerhood, (just read a million MN threads), and this is then socially reinforced by women taking on the 'social glue' role within family, society, etc . And I repeat, have not said ALL men, so obviously your DH, DP, or DS is not like this!

I have just celebrated my 70th birthday, after surviving an illness during which I did literally die..so an important and emotional celebration. Not one of the men in my life, who all came to my party and enjoyed free accommodation for a week abroad, food, drink etc sent me so much as a text or FB message, let alone a card or present to wish me Happy Birthday. But they are all decent men. And all rushed unprompted from another country to be at my bedside when I was so seriously ill. Go figure.

Treats · 18/08/2015 16:47

I don't even know the date of my MILs or FILs birthdays Wink. DH has always sorted it out and it's never been remotely my responsibility. Tbf they don't seem to make a big fuss about birthdays - they didn't come and see us for DH's 40th this year - so it's not a big deal.

Christmas is a bit different, because we know we'll see them and we make more of an effort with gifts. DH still takes care of all the gifts for his side but consults me on what I think MIL and SIL will like. Also, if MIL and DM are going to be opening their gifts from us in the same room, it's politic to ensure that they're roughly proportional!