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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that this is a cheek?

78 replies

Wellandtrulybaffled · 18/08/2015 09:47

I'm keeping details vague in the hope not to out myself. There's a bit of a backstory about this relative and me finding her overbearing and interfering.

I've recently had a baby, we're talking weeks old. A close relatives dd has just found out that she's the same number of weeks pregnant.

We bought new baby things and my in laws bought a travel system for the baby. The babies things weren't overly expensive but not cheap (for us) in that we saved up for what we wanted but we could afford it iyswim.

Close relative has been very sneery about the baby things being new.

Close relative has phoned me and has apparently offered her dd our babies things including the travel system. Bearing in mind our baby won't even be one when theirs is born. She's told me she'd be willing to buy the travel system but that it would be nice if we gave it to them as a gift. She also said that if I clean up the Moses basket to give then they won't even know that it's not new. She then said something along the lines of she supposes there'll be other things we can pass on too.

Now of course we would be happy to pass some things on. But, our baby will still be using the travel system, the baby is still currently sleeping in the basket and although it won't be being used in 8 months time it feels really grabby besides the fact that we haven't even discussed whether we will be keeping things for any potential next baby.

When I pointed out to relative that our baby will still be using the travel system she got really arsey.

I literally don't know what to think.

Am I wrong to think that this is madness?

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 18/08/2015 10:04

Obviously yanbu. And I am the queen of grabby friends and relatives so I should know!

MidniteScribbler · 18/08/2015 10:06

More arse than class.

Mimigolightly · 18/08/2015 10:06

You don't need to justify yourself to this woman. Just tell her that she cannot have your baby's things for her dd. Alternatively, tell her you will be keeping them for your next baby.

HeyDuggee · 18/08/2015 10:06

"Don't be ridicilous - why do you think we bought it all new? So it would last through all the kids we have, not so we can give it away. Ask me in 5 years when we finished our family."

I would have DH remind this "close relative" (I assume it's his family?) that any gifts she gives will not be returned so she can then "regift" them. Because you know she will ask for them back.

middlings · 18/08/2015 10:07

I do like a laugh of a Tuesday morning.

Which is what I would do in this close relative's face!

You can tell this person (and I suspect I may know what sort of a close relative they are), that my travel system is still is use, 3.5 years after initial purchase as my second child is just shy of two! I never stopped using it!

But that's not the point. The point is YANBU.

Congratulations on your baby

rollonthesummer · 18/08/2015 10:07

Is this your MIL offering your things to her daughter? I hope you told her to get stuffed! What did you reply? Would the daughter know what she's said? Would she be embarrassed?! Would she even want your old stuff?

Lots of questions there, sorry. I just can't believe someone would do this out of the blue with no back history of being a pain.

Anyone that sneered at my new baby stuff wouldn't be getting their mitts on any of it and is make that crystal clear now. Even the Moses basket as you might get it back in a horrible state (I can't see sneery people treating your stuff well) and then can't use it again if you have another baby.

What are you going to say?

RabbitsarenotHares · 18/08/2015 10:10

Whilst I'd want to leave cheeky relative to sort out her own mess I'd not trust that she would. If I were you I'd ring her dd and tell her firmly that despite what her mother has told her, you will not be passing on these items. Better to get it sorted now rather than in 9 months' time when the dd really needs them and you feel you then can't say no.

BestZebbie · 18/08/2015 10:10

Is this the relative who bought you the pushchair in the first place? I'm wondering if there was some confusion in their mind about it not exactly being a gift to you which would stay your premanent property but an investment that could go around all the family babies?

Original poster

Wellandtrulybaffled · 18/08/2015 10:11

It's not mil it's my family. Tbh if mil was saying it I'd be less offended as mil and sil actually bought some of the baby things in question. So imo if we were getting rid of it they'd get first refusal.

OP posts:

soloula · 18/08/2015 10:12

YADNBU and I think this needs to be nipped in the bud now. Otherwise you'll have years of expecting all your hand me downs. Cheeky mare!

Original poster

Wellandtrulybaffled · 18/08/2015 10:15

Bestzebbie cross posted, no it's not them it's my family and as I said to dh if we were going to pass it on we should save it for dh siblings.

But no it's a completely different relative who for the record definitely did not buy us any expensive baby items.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/08/2015 10:18

"Close relative has phoned me and has apparently offered her dd our babies things"
They're not her things, so she can't offer them to anyone.

"When I pointed out to relative that our baby will still be using the travel system she got really arsey."
So she's a total bitch.

How do you get on with her DD? If OK, then I'd talk directly to her and point out that her mother has misled her, and that your baby things will still be in use/set aside for the next one. It's not her fault her mother's a dick , and that lets her know it's not going to happen and she can make her own arrangements for her baby. Possibly she'll get on her mother's case about her entitled fuckwittery presumptuousness, depends on her attitude to her mother.

I'd feel very inclined to be as rude as possible to this woman. I'd tell her off in graphic detail in front of other family and hope she'd respond by never talking to me again.

rollonthesummer · 18/08/2015 10:18

What did you say to her on the phone when she asked?

Do you get on well with the newly pregnant relative?

rollonthesummer · 18/08/2015 10:21

If this is someone like your aunt offering your stuff to your cousin, could someone intervene, eg your mum? Does this person have form for entitled twattery?

HazelBite · 18/08/2015 10:24

I had to rest extensively during my pregnancy with DC2 and hand sewed and decorated a moses basket that everyone admired (It was gorgeous) the inevitable happened and could it be "borrowed" as I wasn't going to need it.
Because of the work that went into it, it is something that I would have loved to pass on to a grandchild, however 20 years on it is yet to be returned oh and they have no idea what happened to it!

Wotshudwehave4T · 18/08/2015 10:29

Agree with comments above, speak to the pregnant lady/ her mum and explain that it was a present from the baby's grandparents to your family and you will not be giving it to anybody, besides which you will still be using it when her baby is born. You need it possibly for another 5 years for baby number 2.

TRexingInAsda · 18/08/2015 10:31

Yep, they're being a rude sod. Tell them you'll have to see closer to the time what you don't need anymore, as obviously it would be stupid to give away things you still need and have to buy a second one. Or tell them to just fuck off

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 18/08/2015 10:31

Just tell them that the things you arnt keeping have already been assigned to your DH's family as they bought most of it in the first place

lemoncordial · 18/08/2015 10:45

When I was pregnant a number of friends and relatives gave me baby stuff. I didn't dream of asking for stuff. That would be a bloody cheek! People who gave me stuff were all sure that they had finished having babies and their dcs were quite a bit older. You've only just had your baby!

Yanbu.

Original poster

Wellandtrulybaffled · 18/08/2015 10:47

I get on ok with the dd but I don't see much of her . I've no idea whether she would want any things anyway or whether her mums just interfering.

I do get the impression that the dd has a little of her mums attitude, for example I once gave her money for her birthday and her words were "I guess you couldn't be bothered to choose a present".

Relative was sneery in that we were wasteful buying new baby stuff as we should have hunted down second hand bargains. I don't want to go into too much about this but this person often takes issue with what others spend their money on if she sees it as wasteful.

I didn't really know what to say as I was quite taken aback so I just said hmm well we will see and pointed out that my baby will still be using the pushchair for quite a while.

Even I changed to a stroller we'll still be using the carseat until 12 months and I'd still keep the pushchair for use at certain times.

OP posts:

Doje · 18/08/2015 10:51

YANBU.

However, this is family so you have to (IMO) so a bit of damage limitation. Things like clothes, baby bath, moses basket you can lend. You may even be grateful to get some bits out of your house for a while. Just label everything and do what you can to get it back! I've experienced so much generosity from people who have lent me things and in turn that makes me keen to pass on the good will. Babies can be expensive, and if we all share, everyone benefits. Some clothes for example will only get a couple of wears out of them before they're too small.

middlings · 18/08/2015 10:53

Wellandtruly I believe that sometimes, you have to move away from the detail, and make sure that you don't accept the premise of a discussion. What I mean is, whether or not you'll be using the travel system in 8 months or so is frankly irrelevant. The point is, this woman and her DD are not entitled to your stuff unless you choose to offer it, either as a gift, sale or loan.

Don't justify your decision. You don't need to. You just say no!

As an aside, I've never gone onto a stroller (although I don't use buses much and would have if I did). I've never had the need.

SuperFlyHigh · 18/08/2015 10:56

Just say no. the end.

Original poster

Wellandtrulybaffled · 18/08/2015 11:00

True middlings. It just that I could almost hear her 'advising' me that I'd be better using a stroller or something.

As soon as I heard about the pregnancy I already thought great, there might be a few bits to pass on. But it's way too soon to what, if and when we will especially in my sleep deprived state.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wellandtrulybaffled · 18/08/2015 11:01

True middlings. It just that I could almost hear her 'advising' me that I'd be better using a stroller or something.

As soon as I heard about the pregnancy I already thought great, there might be a few bits to pass on. But it's way too soon to what, if and when we will especially in my sleep deprived state.

OP posts:

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