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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off about my friend's wedding?

47 replies

hazelnutlatte · 18/08/2015 06:50

Friends wedding was last weekend. When planning the wedding she told me that they were having a child free wedding, but that I would be able to bring my baby along. We got the invitation while I was still pregnant, and made plans to to to the wedding (arranging child are for my 3 year old, attempting to find something to wear when heavily pregnant etc)
6 weeks before the wedding my friend tells me that actually the wedding will be totally child free and not even family children are invited so the baby won't be able to come.
Baby was 2 weeks old when she told me this and breastfed. I did think about trying to introduce a bottle in time for the wedding as I really wanted to go, but I had a real struggle to get breastfeeding established and just couldn't do it, so in the end I had to decline the invitation.
I was pretty sad about this as we have been friends for a long time and have loads of other friends in common so I was looking forward to seeing everyone.
I understood it's her wedding though and their choice who to invite.
Wedding pictures have appeared on Facebook and there are at least 5 small children there!

OP posts:
honeysucklejasmine · 18/08/2015 06:53

It might be worth asking her about it. Better than getting it fester until you really hate her. However, it could end up being really awkward. Presumably if she wanted your baby there, she would have allowed it.

Original poster
hazelnutlatte · 18/08/2015 06:54

Sorry posted too soon. So aibu to think my friend should not have uninvited me to her wedding, and to think I'm obviously not someone she cares about very much if she can make exceptions to others but not me?

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 18/08/2015 06:54

It's possible people just turned up with them. I can see why you're hurt though. I think I'd do/say nothing for now and leave the ball in her court to contact you.

Original poster
hazelnutlatte · 18/08/2015 06:54

Cross post sorry

OP posts:
TheHouseOnTheLane · 18/08/2015 06:56

Someone in her family has probably kicked off that you were allowed to bring your baby but they weren't allowed to bring their enormous 10 year old. She took the easy route....forget it and move on. It wasn't nice but she was probably stressed.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 18/08/2015 06:57

Oh I didn't; see that other DC were actually there!

YANBU.

I would have to call her on it.

annandale · 18/08/2015 06:58

YANBU to think she shouldn't have uninvited you - how disappointing Sad but possibly YABU to think she doesn't care about you. It's quite possible that if she was changing the situation shortly before the wedding, some people just turned up with the kids anyway.

There is nothing too crazy to be true about a wedding, so it is even possible that she is thinking 'I don't think hazel cares much about me, she didn't even try and gatecrash my wedding with her baby'. Obviously that's nuts but it may be what she is thinking. I look back to some of my decisions and thinking about my wedding(s) and cringe.

Try and let the dust settle and talk to her in a few weeks or months about it.

jelliebelly · 18/08/2015 06:59

Maybe they just turned up with them - or maybe they challenged her on the no kids rule and she gave in!

YANBU though

Original poster
hazelnutlatte · 18/08/2015 06:59

Do you think people would really just turn up with their kids even though they weren't invited? Can't imagine anyone being that cheeky!

OP posts:
annandale · 18/08/2015 07:01

It was unbelievably cheeky of her to uninvite children, so perhaps they thought they'd match her... I agree with you though.

Donthackmenow · 18/08/2015 07:04

How horrid for you. I've been to child free weddings where I have arranged childcare only to discover children there. It always makes me feel a bit sad but then I remember how much more fun I will have without them!
You would be surprised how cheeky people will be about their children and weddings. I would talk to your friend though as she may well be seething at the people who turned up with children- 2 of my friends were!

BasinHaircut · 18/08/2015 07:06

I reckon when she told other parents that the wedding was now 100% no kids they told her it was too late to arrange childcare and so she said 'ok if you have to, bring them'. She will be glad that you were a good enough friend to not kick up a fuss.

BUT I see how you feel that she could have then told you it was ok to bring your baby. However remember that you were not the focus of that day and excluding you might have been the lesser of two evils IYSWIM.

chumbler · 18/08/2015 07:07

I think people without children have absolutely no idea about how hard it can be to leave them behind (hard not just emotionally but practically too)

but regardless, I would have been really shocked to see so many children, were they there just for the eve?

MrsBobDylan · 18/08/2015 07:08

Yanbu. Your friend has behaved very badly. I would talk to her about it though as I think it will affect your friendship anyway and there is just the tieniest possibility that there's a reasonable explanation.

janetandroysdaughter · 18/08/2015 07:09

I am v judgemental about child-free weddings. They suck. YADNBU.

honeysucklejasmine · 18/08/2015 07:09

I had a "child free" wedding, bar my cousins who were under 10 at the time (3 of them, there's a generation gap of about 15 years on that side of the family) and my 2 DNs. A lot of my friends had under fives and positively encouraged the "no non family kids" rule, so they could have a night off. If the photos are anything to go by, they made the most of it too!

Original poster
hazelnutlatte · 18/08/2015 07:09

I suppose I should talk to my friend as it's possible the children at the wedding were not actually invited but I don't want to end up having an argument with her.
If I don't talk to her about it I will just seethe quietly for months about it so that's not ideal either!

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 18/08/2015 07:12

Yes its worth asking her.

scatterthenuns · 18/08/2015 07:19

Just ask. Festering isn't doing you any good. Its most likely that there is a reasonable explanation.

Nolim · 18/08/2015 07:23

Yanbu. I would bring it up.

BasinHaircut · 18/08/2015 07:26

I'd ask her though and tell her you are upset that you missed her wedding when clearly you needn't have.

Be prepared for her to react badly though. She may have already been called on this many times!

pictish · 18/08/2015 07:27

Yanbu - I would bring it up as well.

ApplesTheHare · 18/08/2015 07:34

I'd have a chat with her OP. It's entirely possible she thinks you chose not to go to the wedding. When I was bf I was surprised by the number of people who didn't realise you can't just leave them. The whole thing sounds very stressful for you with a young baby though, I'd have been upset too Thanks

bottleofbeer · 18/08/2015 07:51

This happened to me at my wedding. The only kids invited were my own Grin I had to univite my cousin because he couldn't get a babysitter. Sounds harsh, doesn't it? But you can't make exceptions precisely because of how you're feeling now. My sister in law turned up with her kids anyway. So my cousin would also have seen kids other than mine in the photos.

If it's any consolation, I was furious.

mummytime · 18/08/2015 07:54

I would bring it up.

The reason being, if you mention it either: it will clear the air and you'll still be friends OR it will become clear she just isn't really your friend.
If you don't bring it up it will fester - and I doubt you'll be friends for much longer anyway.