To wonder how much financial help is acceptable off parents

[dippyd123]

Just wondering really this is not meant to be a judgmental post so if it comes across as it is then I appologise now. Coming from my own point of view as a single mum who has never been given anything off my parents since ive been an adult (no contact with my dad, and mums probilly more poor than me) I dont expect to I know this is how it is and I manage without handouts.

But what im wondering is like when my children are older I think I would like to be a bit more hands on at helping them out if they ever needed it but without handing to them on a plate sort of thing. But how would you know when enough is enough. Luckilly Its still a few years off.

Reason ive been thinking of this is seems like most my friends are getting this and that off their parents eg holidays paid for, car, decorating. One of my friends is a single mum of 2 29 year old and is still getting an allowance off her dad. Tbh Ive always just thought of her as been spoilt but ive come to realise this is more frequent than I used to think. If im honest yes im a little jealous but guess im only human.

Woman at work was today talking about taking her grandkids for new school uniforme and how much it was going to set her back so we got into this discussion of why its her responsibility she said basically she likes helping her daughter out wherever possible just because theyre grown up doesnt mean they arent her responsibility anymore, she then went on to tell me how shes funding her other daughters driving lessons aswell she was actually kind of bragging about it

So what is acceptable? I mean I dont think ill ever be able to afford anything extravagant (unless i find a rich man) but think I would like to give them a bit more than what ive had I dont think my mum would help me out even if she could afford it she wont even child mind or anything lol

i don't know what to say about this, should I be ashamed that my parents helped me out with a deposit for a house, and gave me a second hand car? I was fortunate my parents could afford this. I would not have loved them less is they couldn't give me that help. My dad passed away when I was 30, I would give the money back if it meant he was around

I think minitoot makes a very good point re money being used as a weapon, sometimes unintentionally. My DPs have helped us all out to some degree but one sibling has certainly had more than the rest. Not through any favouritism but more constant need, generally as a result of poor life choices and over time a sense of entitlement.

While my parents have helped him and his family financially (eye watering amounts tbh), in my opinion a situation has developed over time whereby my parents consider themselves responsible for his marriage, their grandchildren, his mortgage and so on. They have become over involved and at times very controlling. They had the best of intentions but I think when an adult child is overly dependent on parents boundaries become blurred and the relationship is damaged by this.

So I think give freely what you want/can afford, don't attach strings even if you believe you're doing so "for their own good" and if you ever feel taken for granted or that your help is counter productive and encouraging dependence then it's time to step back.

My parents could be classed as 'regular folk', neither wealthy nor poor. They have never given us lump sums of cash to supplement our income. But they paid our mortgage for us for a few months when I ran out of sick pay and was on bed rest with DS2 and then DH lost his job. Mum said they would never have allowed us to lose our home. They've bought the children shoes, clothes, and paid for holidays at times. Not extravagant holidays nor designer clothes, just 'regular'. She always said 'that's just what families do, lovey'. And she's right. We've never needed to help them out financially, but we would in a heartbeat if needed. And as they've aged we've driven them about, scrubbed the floor, kept them company, brought them treats. Because that's what family does, too.

I don't have a problem with parents who can afford it giving their adult children allowances. Heck, if I were a zillionaire I'd probably do it. What I have a problem with are children who are not appreciative and/or who don't understand that not everyone's family is as fortunate as theirs and make others, in more modest circumstance, feel bad.

SIL is in her 40's and still gets an allowance and has had her mortgage paid off by ILs. But they are very controlling and she is expected to let them into every aspect of her life! I'd rather not have the cash TBH. Not to mention how she will cope when they are gone as she can't 'cut her cloth' as she has never had to.

A lot of my friends have had considerable help from parents, large house deposits, private school fees for their DC, holidays etc.

We had a bit of help when we bought our first house, 3k from each set of parents to help with fees and moving costs. My ILs would give us their last penny if we needed it but don't have much money and I wouldn't want to take what they have worked hard to save.

My Mum would help more but my Dad has always been adamant we can't have anything at all (she inherited money from her sister so gave us the 3k for our house which my dad doesn't know about....), I'm not really sure why. If we ever go out for lunch, coffee etc he will always expect us to pay whereas FIL insists on always paying. My dad didn't get help from his parents and is fairly scornful on their friends who do help their children. It doesn't bother me, its his choice but we will definitely help our DCs as much as we can when they're grown up.

I think my parents approach was about right. They helped me a lot through uni (and would have done whatever it took to do so). But the expectation was that this would put me in a position to do everything else for myself.

So no driving lessons, house deposit, wedding help etc. But they have given generous gifts here and there, e.g. first interview suit, fridge, baby things, etc. And I know that if I was ever in trouble I could go to them for help.

I think that is what I'll try to do.

My heritage is from a culture where he parents bend over backwards to set the children up with a house. Even if they have to struggle to do it. I would say about 50 percent of the time it works but the rest it just results in a lazy adult....! I am planning this for my child now.
Money is saved for education or property never for extras like holidays though.

Mine paid for the things they cared about (school, uni, handed on cars) and left me to earn enough to pay for things i cared about (branded jeans, driving lessons).

On graduating, when i was struggling to find somewhere affordable to live, I worked out that the amount they had 'wasted' on my eduction would then easily have paid for a flat in London, which would be worth a lot more now. Sigh, but natch they spent their money on things they felt were important.

More importantly, most of the people i was at school with had loads more money, but now, in later life, don't seem any happier than i am. Quite the reverse, in fact.

How anyone is going to afford to buy property now, and in future, without handouts is beyond me. Dunno what the solution would be, but I do hope there is one and soonish.

My dh received a deposit for his first house and when I moved in (before marriage) we became tenants in common to protect this money.
His parents continue to be very generous, although I find it controlling as they expect a say in our life. They gave us some money when things went wrong towards the end of my maternity leave but we insisted on paying it back (admittedly very slowly).
We are lucky but like I said it doesn't feel like it is money for nothing. They also get a bit huffy if we don't do as we are told! Oh to be allowed to be a grown up!!!

My mum had very little money so when I was earning good money I treated her to holidays and stuff. When DH left she helped me in anyway she could. I had to borrow money from my stepfather to save my house as DH had not paid mortgage. He expected it straight back but I literally did not have a spare penny. My DM paid him £5 a week out of her meagre income and told him it was from me! I am back on my feet now and help my children whenever I can because I want to .I just wish I could afford to give them house deposits.

We have helped our sons in various ways, quite large chunks of money for houses, extensions etc, plus holidays. We are retired, good pensions no mortgages so we might as well as help them when they need help, rather than let money go to the taxman when we die.

We were all ready to pay for DGD's orthodontic treatment. When our sons were young, braces etc were free, seemingly for any degree of misalignment. Now there is a rigorous screening system whereby only the treatment of the more serious malformations are free. Fortunately (? ) DGD's teeth came into the free category so we have saved £3000 plus. It is so unfair on those who cannot afford it and whose children will suffer later.

My mum doesn't help us out financially now unless you count birthday and Christmas presents. She and my dad did when we were younger though with things like university costs and money towards our wedding. Inlaws have taken us on holiday twice, bought us a new washing machine when ours packed up and paid for days out once every 3 months or so. We have them round for dinner lots more than they do for us so it isn't all one sided. They have also loaned us 8k and BIL significantly more although that has to be paid back and will be taken out of our inheritance when they die if we still owe them money by then. Although it's a loan, it's interest free and they are happy for us to give them money to pay it back in bits and pieces when we can afford it. We are very grateful as we wouldn't expect them to give us anything

There's a girl I work with who has just turned 20. Her parents gave her £10,000 for a deposit on a new house. A further £500 for admin fees etc. They pay her phone bill, her Car Tax and insurance, car finance, insurance for her pet horse and when they visit her they fill her car up with petrol and leave her wads of cash hidden in various places of her car/home.

They have bought her a new bed and sofa for her new house (well actually, they are on Finance)

That girl would be fucked if her parents hit financial hardship. She barely pays for anything.

In answer to your question, I don't really know. I had an inheritance after my Mother died but other than that I received no help from my Father.

Whatever works for the family.

My Father is widowed and I'm an only child. We are very close and I spend a lot of time looking after him. He is also very wealthy and has little use for it. He's transferred half his buy to lets in to my name and still pays my car insurance, enabling me to do a PhD. I hope to support my own children similarly, if I can afford to. However, my father would not have done this had I not worked or studied since I was 15 or if I took the piss.

There is no right or wrong.

I have a couple of friends whose parents have bought them flats/ houses (entire houses with cash, not deposit) when I was younger I felt this wasn't a great idea because it didn't give them as much motivation to work and achieve

Now I have my own children I realise that if I have the money it's only there to make my children's lives easier than mine has been and I would do the same. I worked full time through uni and I shouldn't have had to. It didn't even fully teach me a good work ethic, I was hectic and confused and used to just turn up and do as little as possible and am awful with money. There are plenty of things ways to bring up your children to teach them this and helping them financially doesn't negate it

The amount you give to your adult children will depend on two things: your financial circumstances and your personal views on whether it's a good thing to give handouts or not.