To wonder how much financial help is acceptable off parents

[dippyd123]

Just wondering really this is not meant to be a judgmental post so if it comes across as it is then I appologise now. Coming from my own point of view as a single mum who has never been given anything off my parents since ive been an adult (no contact with my dad, and mums probilly more poor than me) I dont expect to I know this is how it is and I manage without handouts.

But what im wondering is like when my children are older I think I would like to be a bit more hands on at helping them out if they ever needed it but without handing to them on a plate sort of thing. But how would you know when enough is enough. Luckilly Its still a few years off.

Reason ive been thinking of this is seems like most my friends are getting this and that off their parents eg holidays paid for, car, decorating. One of my friends is a single mum of 2 29 year old and is still getting an allowance off her dad. Tbh Ive always just thought of her as been spoilt but ive come to realise this is more frequent than I used to think. If im honest yes im a little jealous but guess im only human.

Woman at work was today talking about taking her grandkids for new school uniforme and how much it was going to set her back so we got into this discussion of why its her responsibility she said basically she likes helping her daughter out wherever possible just because theyre grown up doesnt mean they arent her responsibility anymore, she then went on to tell me how shes funding her other daughters driving lessons aswell she was actually kind of bragging about it

So what is acceptable? I mean I dont think ill ever be able to afford anything extravagant (unless i find a rich man) but think I would like to give them a bit more than what ive had I dont think my mum would help me out even if she could afford it she wont even child mind or anything lol

My parents can't afford to support us sand I earn much more than they do. I'd be embarrassed to rely on handouts - I have always cut my cloth and never taken foreign holidays or had a new car. That said, my ex stepdad has come into a lot of money recently and has insisted we have some. It's very kind if him and it pleases him to give it to us.

Way I figure it grovel is that if our situations were reversed, my parents would have helped me out instead. I have too many siblings to keep a tally of who got what anyway

Also, my parents can give their money to their kids, their hairdresser, the cat society or throw twenty pound notes from an open top bus: it's not my money to decide.

My dp who had a big family gave me 2000 for wedding thirty years ago. I was so grateful at the time as totally unexpected. Now we have three dc in college. We pay all fees accommodation and books. That's regular in lreland. They all work for spending money and clothes. I am happy to give them money if l have it and l don't feel manipulated or pressurised. I don't envisage paying deposits or even weddings as education will take every penny we have saved. When that expense is over l will enjoy buying for gc but only for fun and if it suits me.

I think things have changed. A lot.

I was pretty independent at 21 but that was a long time ago. Likewise some of my friends' kids escaped the crazy higher education costs and were in careers and on the housing ladder before everything went tits up. Of course they're independent.

But w're older parents - our son is only 17 - and I accept that we'll be helping him out, as far as we are able, for some years yet.

I do sometimes wonder if my generation fully realises how different things are for young people now.

I have always considered my money as being for the whole family. I am extremely fortunate that my DH and I have had good careers and a long stable marriage. We are financially secure and have money to spare. I would far rather my adult children had it now, when they need it most and I have the pleasure of seeing them use it, than leaving it to them in my will. They rarely ask for help and NEVER take it for granted but I am more than happy to offer.

I think it is acceptable if you can afford it, and the children don't expect it and are grateful.

My DDs are likely to have much lower earning potential than my DH and I. I will want them to be self sufficient day to day, but would like to be able to help them out for deposits for houses, help with holidays and stuff.

I also expect to pay for driving lessons and possibly first year's insurance as that is astronomical, but would expect them to be able to pay for running costs themselves.

My parent's were really tight, thank god I got a small grant in those days, they wouldn't help me out financially at all, even though both were pretty comfortably off & loved telling me about their fab holidays with their new partners.

As a result I resolved a) to remain faithful to my husband & work at my marriage; b) to help my children out financially to the best of my ability.

And that it exactly what I am doing. Fortunately, I have a well paid job and it gives me such joy to be able to help my children out, I continue to be amazed at my parents almost gloating attitude to my poverty when I was younger.

I only find it annoying in this instance: (bear with me)

I don't own my home.
I don't have a car.
My DCs don't go to private school.

My friends that DO, do so because of the bank of Mum and Dad, and are then quite patronising about the fact that I DON'T. Well if my parents had 50k spare to throw me for a 30% deposit on a home, I would own my home. If my parents paid for my lessons, test, car and all associated costs from aged 18 upwards (we are in our late 20s now and car is still paid for by her parents) I would have a car, and if my parents had 100k to throw at 16 years of private education then my DCs would be at private school.

It gives me the absolute fucking rage when they then escalate it to "Well, one day you'll be able to afford it."

Yes, because its you that pays for all of that [hmmm] On your 18k salary.

ODFOD.

Totally depends in your family budget and circumstances. For example, my older sister got a lot of help with a deposit for a house. My parents split when I was 19 so would be unable to help me and my younger sister financially. But I never would have expected this and tbh financial support is the least important in my opinion.
My sister has been given more but she is quite ungrateful. I on the other hand am grateful for anything I have had.
An allowance at 29 is just insane and sounds like she'll never fully grow up or be independent.
Your kids will remember the time you spent with them rather than the money

It's completely up to you.

I never got any hand outs with my parents,no cars or driving lessons paid for,no help with paying for our wedding ect.

But when I was a single mum to 4DC they would help out now and again if I needed money for gas,electric,food ect.But I hardly ever asked as long as I could feed the kids I would go without eating myself and it was always a loan.I would never take money from my parents to keep.

It was the other way around in our family really.When the money situation became better for me I'd take my Mum out once a week for lunch and I would treat her to something new every week,shoes,clothes,jewellry,bags ect.Just like I had when I was younger and walking full time.

I'd also help them out with bills,food anything they needed or wanted really.I always paid my Mum and Dad alot of keep when I lived at home and I'd buy food shopping ect and I always helped out around the house and cooked meals as well.

Now I'm very different to my parents,I've paid for a car and provisional licence,driving lessons ect for our oldest child and I'll do the same for our other 4 children.

I have money saved up for all 5 of our DC for when they're older.Our oldest works full time quite good wages,he eats like a horse constantly and I buy all his toiletries,food ect,He gives us £50 a week for keep.

I know how hard it was for myself and my DH didn't receive any help from his parents either so we both decided that if we could afford to we wanted to do more for our children.

Its been interesting reading through opinions and experiences. And yes i agree allowance at 29 is stupid

I tend to think that grown adults who are subbed by their parents don't appreciate it. I don't include help while studying in that, but gave various cousins who are only to happy to allow their parents to fund their holidays / decorate their homes / educate their children. I find it cringy - especially the private education.

I hope to be able to help my son with a deposit for a property. Planning to do this through saving his child benefit (once I have a job that is) and by saving all his monetary gifts + additional savings once we have some spare. Do not plan on paying for university for example, or giving him an allowance. Do however want to pay for his driver's licence, so that he can get around more easily.

I was bought my first car by my parents. I was gifted a deposit for a flat. I had a job since I was 14 and paid keep so I knew the value of money. But my dad particularly was very aware that as hard working and independent as I was, some things just werent attainable by myself. If I'd been a lazy bitch who took my parents for granted I wouldn't have seen a penny. I intend to be exactly the same with my dc.

I'm 22 with a OH who works full time. I work part time, more or less single handedly raise our 9 month old and study part time. My dad gives me £50 a month because of how hard I work, he always says he likes to give that little bit extra so we can afford a treat. He wouldn't do it if either of us were bone idle.

He's always topped my wages up since I was 16, back then it was because of how shit mnimum wage is for 16 year olds.

As a pp said, it depends on what individual families can a) afford and b) want to contribute. My parents will treat DD to the odd outfit/toys, they will often pay for lunch if we eat out together (though I reciprocate) and pick up the odd loaf of bread etc if they happen to pop to the shops. They contributed a sizeable amount to our wedding and supported me through uni, but help out more in terms of practical support and childcare than financially, which is great. My FIL was widowed 8 years ago and has gifted us money occasionally for home improvements as he can afford it and wants to make our lives a little easier. If he did not, then we would simply have saved for them ourselves.

We are so grateful for all that our parents do for us but we would never expect it from them, nor rely on it. At the end of the day, as long as siblings/grandchildren are treated equally, it's really only the business of the families involved. It's awful when one family member gets all (or none!) of the support.

For our DC I will try to encourage them to save/spend responsibly for the things they want in life and will certainly not be relied upon to fund major projects unless we are in a position to do so comfortably. It should be a pleasant surprise, not an expectation.

My DDad is very generous but I would much rather have not had his handouts. The handouts have stalled my DSis's career. DDad is a self-made man and given that we have similar personalities, I have always found it astonishing that he has never realised I'd like to have had the satisfaction of having made my own way too. He is much more involved in my and DH's finances than I would ever have wanted -- but I was never asked! I shall be thinking very carefully about what's best to do with my own child. I will say that he has always treated DSis and I absolutely equally, which is really sensible - so many awful stories on here on when one sibling has been favoured.

My mum buys dds school shoes, I never ever ask her, she always offers. Up until a year ago my dad was paying my phone contract, I'm 26 years old.

I think this is a totally individual thing, it depends on the family. Some people's parents won't help them with anything at all, others will give them frequent treats but not 'big' things (like wedding/house money) and others will do the opposite - give them money towards university or a house but nothing else. as for 'when enough is enough' it just depends on how you feel and what your instinct is.
I do though think it's only fair to the children to make it clear what the boundaries are. Like, don't offer to pay for loads of stuff and then suddenly feel taken for granted and withdraw the money without warning. Or say you'll pay for university and then decide not to and leave them in the lurch. Talk to them about it (when they're old enough). Explain how much you have, what you feel comfortable doing and what you don't, and ask them to think about what they think is fair and a good idea, and talk about it with you. Money can easily get used as a weapon without parents even realising they're doing it, and that's really unhealthy.
I actually wonder how I'm going to teach my DS about money. I pay for almost everything with a debit card. You can't really go into a shop and let them count out change and stuff any more unless you want the five people behind you in the queue to hate you forever!

I'm jealous of people who get hand outs from parents. Cut a long story short, we've always paid for everything ourselves (grown woman, married, house and kids). we borrowed from my parents recently and were paying it back as agreed upon. my parents thought it gave them the right to have full knowledge of all our finances and dictate what we should do with all other finances. We rearranged things to immediately pay them it all back. I'll never borrow or accept anything from them again. It caused a massive family fall out. I think when my kids are older we're probably match when they save for important purchases e.g. House deposit, if we can afford it but I don't think I'd ever just give them a hand out. It's been drilled into myself and my husband that you rely on no-one else in this lifetime. We're good with money, doing well and happy with our lot though.

Minitoot - "money can be used as a weapon". I experienced this and it was awful. A person is lucky if their parents can afford to and are happy to help them without feeling it gives them control over your life.

My parents are well off, though Dad's retired now so their money is finite.

They've been a good mixture of kind but fair.

For example, kind: put my brother and I through university; split a £20k Premium Bonds win with us; set up savings accounts for my DC which should pay for their university; paid for my first wedding; bought me a £250 fridge/freezer as a housewarming present.

Fair: didn't give my brother or myself money towards a house, but lent us money which we paid back in full, plus interest; didn't buy us a car, but paid for our first 10 lessons and the provisional licence; let us live with them when our lives went to crap, but charged us rent.

It's not just about the help parents give, it's the attitude. When we were very broke, dp lost his job, I was pregnant and we just brought our first house that was a state - pil helped us decorate the house paying for wallpaper and stuff BUT it was freely offered and we never took advantage - always picked cheapest option ect. I am eternally grateful to them and try to show it always

I think it's very individual to each family.

My parents are in the fortunate position of having received a lot of unearned income, which they invested in property during the 90's and reaped the benefits of crazy property prices. They both also have pretty generous final salary pensions, plus a mortgage free house of their own. They have helped my sister and I out hugely over the years - with deposits for houses, lump sums to be invested and interest free loans. DH and I have been able to make certain life choices as a result that we otherwise would not have been able too - we've travelled, we've had me take 7 years off as a SAHM. It's working out well for us, and if I can ever do the same for my children, I would.

We've not received help from our parents.

However, regular help that friends receive include

• grandparents providing childcare
• buying coats, shoes, school uniforms
• paying for holidays (usually go attend as well)
• days out, treats etc