Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who don't understand 'can't afford it'

64 replies

TremoloGreen · 17/08/2015 13:34

Do you ever have conversations like this with friends or family?

That house you're buying, you'll need the windows replacing.

Yeah, well, down the line, when we can afford it, I guess.

Oh, but those ones are so dated! And inefficient. New windows will save you a fortune on bills.

Yes, but we don't have the money to do it.

But think of the money you could save!

... Confused

Also applies to things like - why you're not going on holiday, going abroad, don't want to have dinner at a Michelin starred restaurant, getting a new car...

What do you actually say to these people to make them understand?

I used to have a much higher disposable income than I do right now, but I still understood that other people didn't have the same cash to splash, or the same priorities. How is it possible to not grasp the concept of 'no, I don't have a spare 20k [or whatever]??'

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 17/08/2015 13:52

You say

Where do you think the money will come from? Are you offering to pay or do you think I am lying when I tell you that we do not have the money? do you think I should get a loan that I don't have the money to pay back? Where do you think this money will come from? Please tell me. I am all ears.

I used to be polite but I am not any more. I used to nod and smile and make my priority not making them feel uncomfortable and treating my own feelings as less important than theirs and to be trampled all over as the price to pay for never ever ever upsetting someone who had chosen to be insensitive to me.

If people are rude enough to not shut up when you say you can't afford something, they deserve whatever they get.

DJThreeDog · 17/08/2015 14:00

Add to this - 'why don't you just go camping in the UK?' As if the only holiday I have considered is something abroad in a fancy hotel.

I just tell them I've spent hours searching and can't find anything in our budget. It's annoying, but luckily not all the time!

Original poster
TremoloGreen · 17/08/2015 14:25

Ha ha - yeah, as if it doesn't cost anything to go on holiday in the UK Hmm

OP posts:
mileend2bermondsey · 17/08/2015 14:29

Because sometimes I can't afford it doesn't mean, 'I can't afford it, I'm broke as hell'. It means 'I have limited funds and would rather spend it elsewhere'

For example I like to spend money going out for nice meals, my friend prefers to spend her money on shoes.
If I ask her to come out to an expensive restaurant it she will tell me she can't afford it. She doesn't mean she literally cannot afford it, just that with the small bit of money she has left over, she would prefer to buy shoes.
Likewise if we are shopping she will try to coax me into buying a pair of shoes. I will say I can't afford fancy shoes. I could, if I chose to give up something else I like.

Sometimes people who say they can't afford it will be coaxed/pressured into doing whatever they said they couldn't afford to do. Thats why people keep asking.

Stanky · 17/08/2015 14:33

It passes me off. It's none of any body else's business.

feebeecat · 17/08/2015 14:35

You say nothing. Because nothing that you do say will make them understand, so why waste your breath? Smile, nod, pull a face & tell them you really don't fancy the Caribbean at this (or any) time of year.

We have the reverse issue - friends/family constantly telling us they can't afford to go to the cinema/park/eat out/eat in/eat at all etc,etc. Have had the divil of a job explaining differing priorities to my nine year old (very concerned as her bffs mother constantly complaining they had no food in the house, but just returned from two weeks in the Med!). No point picking friend up on it though, smile, nod, meander on Smile

TruJay · 17/08/2015 14:37

DH's family do this but won't ask just once but several times about the same thing.
"Are you going on holiday this year?"

"No we can't afford to, we had a holiday fund but when the boiler blew up the money for spent on the replacement"

Two weeks later
"So are you going away this year?"

"Ffs no we aren't, unless you are offering to pay?" That usually stops them asking.

Drives me mad.

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 17/08/2015 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TruJay · 17/08/2015 14:40

Also agree with mileend sometimes when I say I can't afford it, that means I do have the money but I have a house to run and two dcs to look after so I need to prioritise my spending.

takeinyourhen · 17/08/2015 14:40

I've started to say that I can't justify rather than afford - people seem to understand justifying a purchase/splurge more than the inability to afford something.

Perhaps try that next time.

friend - why don't you get new windows, these are so dated
OP - oh, we plan to, we just can't justify the expense right now

Ragwort · 17/08/2015 14:44

Best to say nothing, although I don't really have many coversations where people discuss in detail what I spend my money on.

But as mileend and TruJay say, people often mean 'I don't want to spend my money in that way' and it is easier to say 'I can't afford it' rather than going into great details of how you spend/save your money.

My DB is constantly complaining about the cost of stuff and how he 'can't afford' X,Y & Z yet in my opinion he wastes huge amounts of money on designer clothes, latest iphone, eating out etc etc but I have learned that it is best to just say nothing.

Ragwort · 17/08/2015 14:45

tkae - that's a very good idea, I might use your suggestion. Smile.

Lurkedforever1 · 17/08/2015 14:46

I find it more the other way, eg dd has a luxury something that I constantly get told others can't afford. When in actual fact they could, and indeed have more disposable cash than me, they just choose to spend it differently.
Tbh I find commenting on others finances uninvited rude anyway

Original poster
TremoloGreen · 17/08/2015 14:50

Ah, I see...

I suppose if you met me, it might be obvious that I wasn't spending my money on designer clothes etc, I'm more the 'scruffy gardening jumper and sturdy shoes' type Wink

OP posts:
googoodolly · 17/08/2015 14:52

This irritates me no end.

I have a colleague at work who's in her fifties and fortunate enough to have no mortgage. She has no concept of how much it costs to rent privately these days. I live in a small one-bed flat with DP and pay £500 a month for the privilege.

She's always saying "Why don't you just rent a house if you want a garden" or whatever - I don't think she realises that would cost at least another £200 around here and that we just don't have that kind of money spare every month. I'll explain that to her, and she goes "but it would so nice to have more space/a garden/whatever" and I'm like, "yeah, but then I couldn't pay my bills."

Grrr! Rant over!

EponasWildDaughter · 17/08/2015 14:59

OP i have a similar issue with people telling me how much better it would be for me if i would (simply?) stop renting and own my own home.

  1. We cant save for a deposit right now. We have no savings and are living 'hand to mouth'.
  1. Even if ''the monthly repayments would be just the same'', (and i'm not convinced they would be on the size of house we need at the moment) if we are stretched to the limits to meet that one monthly payment, where the hell is the money going to come from to pay for the rest of the upkeep of a property? Broken boiler. Leaking loo. Water coming through ceiling. Oven's blown up. Roof tiles have blown off. Damp course needs sorting. Pointing needs redoing. on and on and on.
  1. We cant save for a deposit right now.
  1. No deposit money right now.
  1. You need a bloody deposit!
  1. I was a homeowner for 17 years. I've been a 'renter' for 7. At the moment i cant afford to own a property, and frankly i sleep better without the financial burden of struggling on a mortgage.

..... ''oh'' ...... ''but it would be sooooo much better for you if you could stop renting and own your own home''.

Aaarrgggghhhhh.

suzannefollowmyvan · 17/08/2015 15:09

Because sometimes I can't afford it doesn't mean, 'I can't afford it, I'm broke as hell'. It means 'I have limited funds and would rather spend it elsewhere'

I agree and following on from that 'I cant afford it' can also mean 'I think the thing which you to believe to be important is a waste of money'

Bing0wings · 17/08/2015 15:15

Yes it's very annoying.

WitchofScots · 17/08/2015 15:16

I wish I knew, my father is like this. When the car went in for the MOT it needed work doing to it so I sold some stuff to pay for it. He was mortified when he found out and was lecturing me about how irresponsible I was with my money and how I should have the money in the bank to pay for it. The bill for the car was my wages for a week so it was either not have a car or sell some other stuff.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 17/08/2015 15:49

The Sam Vine boots theory of economics is very apt.

"The reason that the rich were so rich, Vimes reasoned, was because they managed to spend less money.

Take boots, for example. He earned thirty-eight dollars a month plus allowances. A really good pair of leather boots cost fifty dollars. But an affordable pair of boots, which were sort of OK for a season or two and then leaked like hell when the cardboard gave out, cost about ten dollars. Those were the kind of boots Vimes always bought, and wore until the soles were so thin that he could tell where he was in Ankh-Morpork on a foggy night by the feel of the cobbles.

But the thing was that good boots lasted for years and years. A man who could afford fifty dollars had a pair of boots that'd still be keeping his feet dry in ten years' time, while the poor man who could only afford cheap boots would have spent a hundred dollars on boots in the same time and would still have wet feet.

This was the Captain Samuel Vimes 'Boots' theory of socioeconomic unfairness.”

Pipbin · 17/08/2015 15:55

The boot theory is very true.

I used to work with a girl who was the daughter of an ambassador. She was lovely and her father had made her go and get a couple of shop jobs to get some world experience and to have her own money. She was fairly down to earth but there was one thing she couldn't understand. She worked in Sainsburys back in the days when as soon as you got enough points on your nectar card they would ask if you want £2.50 off your shopping. She honestly couldn't understand why people would take £2.50 off there and then rather than saving up the points and putting it towards a skiing holiday.

CasperGutman · 17/08/2015 16:05

Slightly OT here, but...

I worked with a man who really believed Sam Vimes' boot theory to be literally true. The flaw was he spent a three-figure sum on getting his posh shoes refurbished every year or two, and over the same period I would spend about a quarter as much buying new pairs in the sale.

babybat · 17/08/2015 16:06

I prefer "it's not a financial priority for us right now" to "I can't afford it", because there are some things that I could (theoretically) afford, but they'd have to come at the expense of others, and for me that wouldn't be a sacrifice worth making. E.g. you could replace your knackered old phone with a shiny new one, but if doing so meant you had to get into debt or take it out of your food budget, it wouldn't be a priority.

Agree with PP who've said that you should ask anyone who's rude enough to be insistent or not take the hint whether they're offering to buy it for you though.

DawnOfTheDoggers · 17/08/2015 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustBeingJuliet · 17/08/2015 16:30

This drives me mad! I've just moved into a new house that needs a lot of work doing, and I'm trying to spruce it up on a non-existent budget. Currently looking at painting the laminate kitchen units, worktops and tiles to make it last a few more years, and sick of hearing, "oh it's only £200/£300/£400 to replace those worktops! Painting them will look awful!" I have a budget of about £50!!! The worktops have burn marks on them and are glued to the cabinets and if I could afford to replace them I would be doing, but I figure a bad paint job can't make them look any worse!

Ditto when I say I can't afford to go out for a meal, even if it's been planned for weeks and I've had "plenty of time to save" - maybe I've had to replace a tyre on the car, or the fridge has packed up and my £2.27 that is left in my bank needs to last me til next week. No amount of trying to persuade me will make more money magically appear!