People who don't understand 'can't afford it'

[TremoloGreen]

Do you ever have conversations like this with friends or family?

That house you're buying, you'll need the windows replacing.

Yeah, well, down the line, when we can afford it, I guess.

Oh, but those ones are so dated! And inefficient. New windows will save you a fortune on bills.

Yes, but we don't have the money to do it.

But think of the money you could save!

...

Also applies to things like - why you're not going on holiday, going abroad, don't want to have dinner at a Michelin starred restaurant, getting a new car...

What do you actually say to these people to make them understand?

I used to have a much higher disposable income than I do right now, but I still understood that other people didn't have the same cash to splash, or the same priorities. How is it possible to not grasp the concept of 'no, I don't have a spare 20k [or whatever]??'

I love the Vimes Boots theory. We are now in the position where we have the money to spend a little more to get better quality (and hence spend less in the long run).

I actually bought a new pair of boots a couple of weeks ago - I have very hypermobile ankle joints which are pronating so far it's causing my hips and knees to dislocate; I'm on the waiting list for orthotics but it's going to be LOOOOOONG so DH and I decided to go to the local walking boot shop and see what they had. So I am now the proud owner of a pair of £150 boots and £30 insoles and since my knees have got used to being in the right position (because my ankles are in the right position) I've hardly dislocated at all when I've been wearing them

Someone asked me how much my boots cost so I told them - they were astounded that I'd spend that much on a pair of footwear that wasn't a skyscraper stiletto with spangly bits but to me it's worth it; I can walk further = and with fewer effects in other parts of my body. Apparently I should've bought £30 boots that don't support my ankles (and hence mean my knees/hips are wonky and popping out all over the place) because they couldn't justify spending £180 on boots (but would happily spend £500 on a weekend away drinking). I have LOTS of pairs of shoes/boots/footwear that I can't wear for very long or very comfortably so finding a pair that actually does what I want it to is great.

WitchOfScots - my dad told me off for buying "bangers" which need repairs. "Why don't you just buy a new car which doesn't need an MOT for 3 years?".

Ahhh, the Vimes theory.

It works with so many other things as well, like how much easier life is when you have access to a expensive shower.

I once stayed at a hotel where the shower was tremendous. It only took about three minutes to wash my hair, condition it, rinse out the conditioner and wash myself. It was like standing under the Niagara Falls. At home, the whole process takes more like fifteen minutes.

I realised then that a wealthy person with such a shower would have a morning routine that was significantly less stressful than mine. They would be able to get up later or spend more time having breakfast.

There's loads of things like that. When I was a student, I could never understand why I slept better at my parents; now I realise it was because the bed had a good mattress.

You know that film The Holiday with Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet? The character Diaz plays has a home where her blackout blinds are remote-controlled. I remember watching that and thinking ... "shit, imagine being able to open your blinds without trying to fumble around in the dark, risking stubbing your toes." Every morning you would wake up and just think "let there be light", and there it would be with a click of a button.

My (wealthy, swiss) stepmother once looked at me with incredulous horror with the statement, "You mean you haven't got £20k kicking around in your bank account for emergencies?"

"Erm" laugh because she's joking right? "Hardly."

She shakes head in wry disappointment. "You are awful."

Jeez, I'd love a turn on her planet.

The Vimes theory is so true.

My mother recently asked me when we are going to replace our kitchen. The kitchen is a bit tired, and not exactly what I'd choose, but it doesn't need doing. And our living area is all open plan, so having the kitchen done would be hugely disruptive, stressful and unpleasant- so in the short term, it isn't a priority. I couldn't be arsed explaining all this (again), so I just said, nah, we haven't really got the cash to spare at the moment. Cue a ten minute nag lecture on whether or not I'm managing my finances properly! Only in my Mum's world does not spunking £10k plus on something you don't need equal financial irresponsibility.

YANBU. My DB is lovely but firmly of the opinion that affording things is purely a matter of "prioritising".

Anybody can afford anything if they put their mind to it apparently.

Gah .

I must admit it does annoy me when people bemoan their financial situation. They mean they don't want to spend it on that, but they say they can't afford it.

Like my friend who is broke - but runs a new car, has had two holidays this year, done up both bedrooms and her bathroom.

Or the bloke I was involved in hiring for £2500 a week who has no money. I know it's all relative - but really?!

A lot of people don't understand counting every slice of value ham to make it last the week, 89p pizzas for tea every day, keeping the washing to a minimum to save £s, the hopelessness of going to the doctor knowing you won't be able to afford the prescription anyway, waiting for the debt collectors to send the bailiffs cos you know the bailiffs are way more friendly and willing to sort you out a deal. Poverty doesn't scare me at all I think having money would scare me way more.

I have taken to saying 'i can't justify it so it appears like we have a choice! The reality is that we need a new boiler and other stuff do I don't have a spare £2-3k for a week in the sun

renting is stupidly expensive...much more sense to get a mortgage... but you can't because renting is stupidly expensive and takes all the money you could save for a deposit.

and there are lots of levels of can't afford it. can't justify it is much better way of explaining it. I could afford quite a few things right now but it could lead to me being up shit creek and not being able to afford to do much more vital things later. I am going to steal the can't justify it line. thanks.

I know someone who thought a 20k car was not expensive. I also know someone who thinks I should move as the smaller houses on their street are only 130k.. (yeah right)

My PIL have been on at me to learn to drive ever since I announced I was pregnant.I've lost count the amounts of times I've told them that we can't afford to run two cars (DP's car is essential for his job) so what's the point in spending the money on lessons???

However, I do have a friend who regularly claims she can't afford things/is broke. Now from what she had told me about her salary,savings and being incredibly proud smug of having no debt I don't believe her. What she really means is ' there are other things I prefer to spend my money on' or 'i don't want to do that'

When I bought my first house (1988) we could afford a mortgage of £39,000. We took an endowment so we could buy at £53,000. We could afford the endowment policy and the mortgage.

My mother told me that I should have bought in the same street she lived in, for £125,000 instead of moving 60 miles away. I asked if she was going to advance me the cash difference and she told me that I should have saved it...

With her "borrowing" from my (birthday present money) savings as a child and not paying it back I regarded that as crass. So moved 60 miles away.

I have a relative that does this.

They seem to have totally forgotten that when they had several children to support and a mortgage, they too could not afford all sorts of things.

Most people have blind spots somewhere. Some even talk about buying a house and still moan about not having enough money. They just don't realise they sound like Marie Antoinette.

You have to ignore them.

Vote Sam for leader!
The best way is to say Oh yes that's on our list of things to do! And move on quickly. I've been on the bones of my arse eating out of date food from the pub I worked in and although we're comfortable now it never really leaves you.
People think they're being helpful but they forget it's the tenth time you've heard it.

I get this a LOT.
The IL's are really wealthy and I think they forget we are not.
The latest was a corker. 'Why don't you want to stay in a luxury hotel in India?'
Ummm because we can't even afford the car to have an MOT at the moment. That's bloody why.
I sometimes wonder if they do remember they just want to make us feel like shit.

We've been in this house for seven years. The bathroom is rotten with mouldy walls and ceiling. The double glazing is shit and whistles like a banshee in the winter. The kitchen is yellow old fashioned pine with a bulging mouldy wall. The whole house is in the process of getting decorated and we've just had patio doors installed. We can only afford it because dh was made redundant and we gambled that he'd quickly get another job. (He hasn't). We've had a mix of comments ranging from "it's about time" "who are you trying to impress?" "What's the point in getting patio doors?" And so on and so forth. All my life I've dreamed of having a garden with doors that open on to it. I grew up poor, we've never been on holiday as a family and we shop frugally. Bloody shoot me now.

em might not be your style but look at doc martens and hiking boots ( though not the very flexible ones) even if it's just to save your expensive boots when you're doing the garden. If you wear trainers then mad as it sounds look at the chunkier heelys. The wheels do come out and they are far less susceptible to dodgy ankle manoeuvres than any other trainers I've come across. And if you need standard plain shoes, look at the chunkier school shoes, stuff like sketchers, docs etc fit insoles in and have solid sides, and don't all look childish either.

I am with you, OP.

There are people who simply have no concept of what it is to have no money.

They are irritating. You see it on here too.

Schwarz i take it she has followed her own advice and saved for her old age.

I have a friend like this and it's fucking irritating.
Usually stuff like wanting to arrange fancy holidays or a weekend away with our group of friends, and if you say 'sorry we really can't afford it' you get 'oh but it's only £XXX'. Yeah but we don't have £XXX!! She makes you feel like you're being a let down or a spoil sport because you don't have spare cash for the latest thing she feels like doing. She's lovely generally but she really doesn't get it when you can't just shell out for an expensive luxury.

She also occasionally tells me how her and her DH are totally skint, and she's really stressed because they've got no money and will have to sell stuff to pay the bills etc, and the next week she buys an iPad clearly 'skint' doesn't mean the same thing to her as it does to me!

That Vimes boots theory is so good. So many different levels of it as well. For example, I am lucky enough that if my washing machine broke down, I could afford to buy a new one (would hurt, but I could). But I can understand why someone worse off might turn to Bright House in the same situation, even though it doesn't add up as an investment.

With my family, it is just a different scale of magnitude, they can't understand why I don't have spare tens of thousands lying around. I just think it is a bit of a disgrace to live your life like that, so immune, or blind to the fact that some people are worse off than you.

My parents and their friends in particular, can't comprehend that life is just more expensive for people my age. They think I'm working and they are 'poor pensioners' in comparison, but their disposable income is many times higher than mine. They also just don't understand that I won't be able to pay for many of the things they took for granted, like boarding schools and foreign holidays every year, because I have a professional job, so that should buy me the same sort of stuff it bought them 30 years ago.

Also, there's the expectation that at 31, I should have the sort of savings that allow me to drop tens of thousands on new windows without a second thought, because that's a good investment (!) I haven't dared tell my parents that I haven't paid into my pension since having DD1 and every spare penny both DH and I did have saved is about to be ploughed into putting a roof over our heads and ensuring my kids get a halfway decent education. Now I realise I'm incredibly lucky to be able to do that, but all I'll hear from them is hand-wringing about the house needing updating, and why didn't we buy somewhere closer to town, DH has such a long commute now...

Also, the lectures we've had from PIL about 'not overstretching ourselves' because 'it can put a terrible strain on relationships, you know'.

Managed to shut them up last time by saying "Oh yes, we'll just send the new baby to the orphanage when it's born, then we won't need a bigger house!"

The Vimes theory works for so many other things as well - basically, having money saves you money. One example is credit card rates - the richer you are, the lower the rate of interest you pay as you are a better "risk". At the most extreme end of the spectrum are those who pay extortionate rates to lone sharks or payday lenders as they are too poor to be considered for normal loans or credit.

also, can't afford, may mean you could afford but you are trying to save that five/fifty quid a week in case of emergencies, like defunct washing machines...

or you are saving up for a family holiday somewhere cheap out of season, or spreading the cost of christmas over twelve months... I mean you can not suddenly earn more one month to pay for whatever the extra is that month.