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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Im not a very nice person

40 replies

Ihatemyself222 · 15/08/2015 23:19

Sorry just need some advice

I'm not a very nice person. I got drinker than I have ever been before last night (unfortunately this seems to be happening fairly regularly as I drink in social situations when I'm nervous and then overdo it) and said some things I regret to a family member at a party (repeatedly told them to F off in front of everyone, some of them being people who I'd never met

So ashamed

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janetandroysdaughter · 15/08/2015 23:23

If you weren't nice, you wouldn't care. Contact them. Apologise deeply. Explain you didn't mean it and that the drink made you say things you didn't mean and that you regret.
I'm not being melodramatic but you may need to contact AA or a similar organisation -not because you drink too much every day but because when you do you are out of control and it is ruining your life and your self esteem.

JoyceDivision · 15/08/2015 23:24

Ithink there will be better people than me to respond, but don't want you to go unanswered

YOU are probably a very nice person. But alchohol is not very nice to people. It is not kind, respectful or caring, and doesn't put damage limitations on your actions or help moderate what it does to behaviour.

Original poster

Ihatemyself222 · 15/08/2015 23:24

How can I be nicer

Sometimes I talk about people behind their back (not in a malicious way just for eg if a friend has upset me)

I am also shy but put on a big front to cover it (like many people I guess) and over analyse my actions to the point of being self obsessed.

I try so hard to be liked and make people like me that I think I drive people away by doing this. I hate myself so much, I want to die (I wouldn't do anything I don't think but the anxiety etc is crippling sometimes)

Sorry here I go again I know there's more important problems in the world and this is extremely minor and trivial. I just feel sick I really want people to like me, it means so much and it shouldn't

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Original poster

Ihatemyself222 · 15/08/2015 23:26

This sounds terrible but I think what makes it worse for me is that everyone saw. That's horrible isn't that I should be more concerned about that. The person who I said it to has accepted my apology but seems to almost enjoy making me feel awful about last night/the fact I have no memory of it. Keeps saying how offended they were and how I should control myself

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WorraLiberty · 15/08/2015 23:30

What you did wasn't very nice but it doesn't define you as a person...it just means you got pissed and had a go at someone.

You've apologised and that takes thought and courage.

It only happened last night. I think it's reasonable to expect them to still be offended as it's still raw for them too.

I'm sure it'll blow over eventually

SeahorseSid · 15/08/2015 23:31

It sounds to me like you are suffering from anxiety. Have you seen your GP? There may be things that can help you. If you have a read of mindfulness techniques, they can help.
Re the alcohol, maybe lay off it for a bit. Don't dwell too much on what is done, people forget soon enough.

happymummyone · 16/08/2015 00:00

I told my sister to fuck of at her own birthday party in front of all my family a few years ago. Tensions were running high but it was not my proudest moment. I apologised and its water under the bridge! You're not a horrible person because of one little outburst, honest

HaonDo · 16/08/2015 00:41

Op, I have anxiety and used to drink a lot so u could deal with social situations. Nobody realised how crippingly shy I was because drink gave me confidence. Some nights i was quite gobby, offensive to people, not me at all.

The day after I'd hate myself, over analyse and not be able to think of anything else. The day after drinking brings the fear on massively.

You are a nice person but drink made you do something not nice. Lay off it for a bit if you can and read up on anxiety

dontcallmelen · 16/08/2015 00:42

Yy as pp sure you are not a horrible person, if you were you would not feel any remorse or embarrassment, just apologise.
Might be worth considering an appointment with your gp, to discuss how you are feeling, especially the anxiety & how you appear to view yourself, it must be difficult in social situations , really would advise seeking some support & help.

Original poster

Ihatemyself222 · 16/08/2015 00:47

Thanks everyone

I just can't focus on anything else right now, I hate how I behaved... I feel sick

Also there's the issue that if you apologise for your behaviour to others the next day it's quite attention seeking and me me me. Can't win

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RonaldMcDonald · 16/08/2015 00:51

Speak to someone about this. Get some counselling. You will be able to make sense of it all, really

In the meanwhile. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself as you expect the other person to....
Treat yourself gently and delicately

PtolemysNeedle · 16/08/2015 00:59

Nice people do horrible things sometimes. It sounds like you might benefit from some CBT or other kind of therapy to help change the way you think about yourself. Other people will find it hard to like you while you dislike yourself so much,not hats just one of those weird things.

It's more important that your forgive yourself for what you did, be kind to yourself because you do deserve kindness, everyone does.

MesservyMiles · 16/08/2015 01:08

Please don't feel so bad. It will blow over, honest! I feel like you do sometimes - I really try so hard to be liked, and then feel that I have overdone it and just look stupid. Alcohol helps to a certain extent, but I really have to stop at the right point before overdoing it and just getting drunk and saying too many stupid things. If I do overdo it, the 'black dog' comes down and I am full of remorse the next day.
As others have said, you are obviously a nice person, otherwise you wouldn't feel guilty. And of course you feel bad that others saw, but honestly they have other things to think about and won't be dwelling on it like you are. You have apologised - it's just one of those things - try to move on and just promise yourself that you won't get like that again.
I control it by ensuring that I alternate alcoholic drinks and soft drinks when I go out. And drink slowly!!

BackInTheRealWorld · 16/08/2015 01:12

You are in the middle of a hangover. It's miserable, paranoia inducing self loathing hell. You aren't the first to make an arse of yourself when drunk and you won't be the last. youve apologised. Get an early night and ride it out.

WaggleBee · 16/08/2015 01:19

People without anxiety can feel anxious the day after drinking so when you have anxiety, which I think you do, the day after drinking you'll feel very anxious indeed and everything will seem much, much worse than it is.

You did a silly thing. It's done now. You've apologised. You can't turn back the clock. What you can do is learn from it.

I have anxiety and like a Haon when I was very young I used alcohol to hide my insecurities and it made me a pretty unpleasant person. Then I realised I had anxiety and dealt with that. I don't drink at all now. It's not worth the horrible feelings it induces afterwards.

There's some very good suggestions here. You're not a bad person, if you were, you wouldn't be bothered. People do things like you did, all the time and don't bat an eyelid. You sound like a very nice person who did a stupid thing that's all.

MARTIN1 · 16/08/2015 01:22

Sometimes I talk about people behind their back (not in a malicious way just for eg if a friend has upset me)

We all do this, don't sweat it. everyone needs a second opinion or someone to talk to about things that have upset you

I am also shy but put on a big front to cover it (like many people I guess) and over analyse my actions to the point of being self obsessed.

I always over analyse what I say and do to the extreme. I didn't say thank you to the Ticket Inspector when I got off the train today and I felt bad about it all the way home right up until I banged my knee on a cupboard in the kitchen. Like you I am very shy and I sometimes use alcohol to bring me out of my shell, then the next day I hate the 'out-of-shell' me. I can't win

Everyone does this as well, but most people don't have the strength of character you do to recognise this. Having self-awareness is what makes us nice people to be around. Nobody hates anyone for trying to be liked.

Sorry here I go again I know there's more important problems in the world and this is extremely minor and trivial. I just feel sick I really want people to like me, it means so much and it shouldn't

below is a quote that helps me out when I'm recovering from hangover induced fear...

"You’ll Worry Less About What People Think of You When You Realize How Seldom They Do"

FeedYourselfSmiles · 16/08/2015 01:38

OP, I have done this, and drank til blackout on many occasions and wanted to kill myself the next day. The solution is stop drinking. It's crap but it is.

Original poster

Ihatemyself222 · 16/08/2015 01:42

I feel like everyone is laughing behind my back

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Original poster

Ihatemyself222 · 16/08/2015 01:42

I think the worst thing is not remembering what happened

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MesservyMiles · 16/08/2015 01:48

So how do you know what happened?

Original poster

Ihatemyself222 · 16/08/2015 01:50

I remember about half and then I was told the rest this morning

Sorry to keep wallowing

Many thanks everyone for the great advice, some really good suggestions on here which I will try and put in practice

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Original poster

Ihatemyself222 · 16/08/2015 01:52

To give some more context re the night I was hosting a family members birthday party at my house. It was a bit extreme because they invited a lot of people who I didn't know, who accordingly invited their own friends eg family member invited their own cousin who I've never met and this cousin brought along several friends of their own. So I felt like there were a lot of people in my house who I had never met

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10000Fireflies · 16/08/2015 01:53

Your apology has been accepted. That's great! At least you're not dealing with X years of Y not speaking to you because blah blah blah.

I've had the same issues as you in social settings. I found taking valerian and eating something carby before an event helps..i can get too nervous to eat let alone anything else. I too loved booze especially for the freedom of expression and gregariousness it gave me. It gets easier to deal with these sits as you get older. Often these days I get.a.kick out of being the.more sober one and watching what tits people make of themselves.. Sometimes I still make a tit out of myself...

Original poster

Ihatemyself222 · 16/08/2015 01:53

Was drinking to try and force self to be fun and sociable (how I want to be seen!!!) but overdid it, obviously

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MARTIN1 · 16/08/2015 01:54

No one is laughing at you behind your back. As PP said, you are definitely not the first and you won't be the last. once you apologise, you've done everything you can do.
I've done some terrible things when drunk and sometimes I've had to watch them back on CCTV in front of a Magistrate!!

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