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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely appalled my 4 year old just used the F word!

56 replies

superspamiam · 15/08/2015 19:48

Just that really. At a family get together he said this to his cousin within earshot of several other kids. I dont know the context of how it was said but said cousin immediately came to tell us. My dh went upstairs and told him off, but I am just so embarrassed and appalled that he knows how to use this word! It's not used by me in front of the kids but he has definitely overheard dh saying it. What is the best approach to take to prevent this happening again. I am mortified!

OP posts:
Original poster
superspamiam · 15/08/2015 21:31

I don't think there's much you can do when they go into a rage like that.

My Ds is only just 4 and can still lose control of himself on a regular basis. Its a nightmare though when you have an audience like that. You can almost hear the gasps of horror around you and the muttered comments.

I know some people think its all down to parenting how your children behave but surely some kids are just more challenging than others, don't you think?

I have one family member who once tried to tell me my ds could have ADHD just because at age 2 he was always getting into mischief. Its only because her ds was a quiet, placid child and she never really had to deal with that sort of behaviour. I really think she thinks its all down to her expert parenting but I'm not so sure.

OP posts:
Yarp · 15/08/2015 21:43

Yes of course. And it mostly comes out in the wash. DS1 was a really tricky toddler. Many , many 'meltdown' - type tantrums. This continued until he was about 5 or 6.

he's now 15 and a more calm, self- laid-back and thoughtful boy you could not meet

MintJulip · 15/08/2015 21:50

we had a phase of this - dont worry.

we were having a very trying time, and saying for fucks sake - lots.

dd picked up on it.

not her fault at all,
so we simply stopped saying it - and it gradually faded away.

a few times after she said it we said lightly - oh we dont say that not a nice word but in no way told her off - or blamed her for our bad modelling

we also ddnt make it a thing so she hooked onto it.
just let it slide away into the ether...

Original poster
superspamiam · 15/08/2015 21:50

Well that is nice to hear. Sounds like you've done a grand job. I hope my Ds will turn out like that. He is a good boy really and he does know right from wrong so that's a good start.

OP posts:
MintJulip · 15/08/2015 21:54

op your boy isnt the naughty one!!!

4 is a hard age. all the focus is on twos but my two were fine at two - it was three and four I had issues with.

and yes mine too - the most polite - if incredibly......energetic Grin dc you would wish to meet.

Faffandnonsense · 15/08/2015 22:15

Dd discovered swear words in the last year or so, she overheard them from various people at various times. We don't make a big deal of it, just explained that some people find those type of words rude and she was not to use them outside of the house/family. I think not making a fuss takes the excitement out of it and in fairness to her, she does use them in the appropriate context and only rarely WinkGrin

FithColumnist · 16/08/2015 05:40

I'm just going to leave this here Grin

vine.co/v/eqZHQ7p72qQ

SoupDragon · 16/08/2015 08:40

My older two are teens now and I've brought them up with the rule that they don't swear in front of me, they absolutely don't swear in front of adults and they never ever ever swear in front of my parents.

I do pull them up when I hear them swearing in the house whilst playing computer games, more of an ahem and raised eyebrows than anything. They get punished for swearing at me or siblings though.

It's a matter of learning when it's appropriate.

DS1 used to swear in context when driving his pedal car. Learnt from his father who was not a patient driver :)

Lucie99 · 16/08/2015 08:50

My five year old said bollocks yesterday Blush whilst talking to himself. I said "what did you say" and he had the grace to say sorry. Both DH and I swear and I find it difficult to get too worked up about bad language. He knows that swear words are bad words which he shouldn't use. He frequently reminds me not to use bad words. I will try harder Smile.

ClaudiusMaximus · 16/08/2015 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoblinLittleOwl · 16/08/2015 09:17

If you don't want your child to swear, don't swear yourself.
I can honestly say the worst word my father used was 'ruddy' as in, 'don't slam that ruddy door', and I don't think I ever heard my mother swear.
Swearing was regarded as something uncouth people did, and therefore not to be imitated.

thegreylady · 16/08/2015 09:53

My 8 year old dgs told me that the 'f word' was fart and the 'c word' was crap. His 6 year old brother said he knew different...

merlehaggard · 16/08/2015 10:02

What Goblin said. My 13 year old went in to secondary school knowing no swear words. We don't swear at home and if kids said things in school, she could never really work out what exactly they had said but knew they were told off. Once she hit secondary school, that very quickly changed but if they don't know the swear words, they can't say them.

ThatBloodyWoman · 16/08/2015 10:10

Dd1 was 2 at its first use Shock
Obviously its not good,but lets face it,its becoming more and more mainstream.
Teach them not to,and move on.

MotherOfBleach · 16/08/2015 10:15

How old is the cousin?

My betting is it went something like this....

ds: I know a swear word
cousin: which one?
ds: the f one
cousin: I dare you to say it
ds: no
cousin: I double dare you
ds: fuck
cousin: Aunty Super, ds just said the f-word!

It's what kids have been doing for decades in schools and nurseries up and down the country.

I caught my nephew teaching my youngest what buggering hell meant (ouch -apparently) when they were 3 or 4.

ThatBloodyWoman · 16/08/2015 10:23

merle

Are you sure about that?

I can't imagine any child going to secondary school knowing no swear words.

merlehaggard · 16/08/2015 12:25

I knew it was a bit unbelievable but she really didn't. She knew the f word was a bad word because she had heard people at school say "he got told off because he said the f word" but had no idea what it stood for. Me and my friends did laugh at her naivety though. She was only in an average state primary but the little bit she would have heard at primary seemed to go over her head. By the time she started secondary school though, there was no avoiding it!

Gruntfuttock · 16/08/2015 12:40

notquiteruralbliss "I still giggle at my cross 5 yo coming into the room, rolling her eyes, sighing and and informing me that DH was being a c* again."

Am I the only one who finds that shocking? It's not a word I've ever used, so I can't imagine laughing at a 5 yr old calling her father (presumably) that.

iamaboveandBeyond · 16/08/2015 13:03

Grunt, people do things differently

YouMakeMyDreams · 16/08/2015 13:21

Ds1 went through a phase of swearing in anger and not always getting the context right though which was actually quite funny. I totally took the power away from him though didn't get cross because he wanted me to by swearing told him it was just a word and it couldn't hurt me.
I thibk sometimes making it a big deal is what gives it power. If children know they will get a reaction from it they will use it. My 3 know that even adults don't swear in certain situations and in front of certain people and that it's not acceptable every day language.

Booboostwo · 16/08/2015 13:29

YABU for not talking to him about the context first before punishing him. He may have just said the word without any idea of what it meant or any intention to insult anyone.

Words are just collections of sounds, are intentions behind using them are much more important. I've told my 4yo that some words are used in a a mean way to upset others so she can use them towards objects but not towards people because she should not be mean. She said 'fucking tablet' the other day, doesn't bother me.

sanquhar · 16/08/2015 13:37

we are having this problem too. it's so unbelievably embarrassing when the kids swear in public.

it's all DHs fault in our house. i tell him not to do it constantly. i tell him off in front of the kids for swearing and he still does it. it's like living with roy chubby brown! i'm seriously considering washing DHs mouth out with some soap next time he does itAngry.

I'm not sure how to deal with it either, telling the kids off for it spurs them on to swear more!

Original poster
superspamiam · 16/08/2015 18:31

Odd post from Claudias. Not sure why you think I have thought its OK for dh to swear in the house. Obviously I pick him up on it, but he is a grown up and I can't tape his mouth up.
Your right, its not funny and I never thought it was, which is why I was here seeking advice.

OP posts:
familygermsareok · 16/08/2015 19:34

My friend's 2 year old used to say 'fuck, fuck' constantly when out. He was pointing out the interesting lorries going by to his mum but hadn't quite mastered the word truck Grin

To answer your question though, don't swear yourselves if you don't want them to pick it up as an everyday word. They will of course hear swearing elsewhere but can be taught that it's not appropriate language to use in front of adults/elderly aunties, etc.
My DS's aged 10 and 13 don't swear in my hearing although I don't delude myself that they don't with their friends. I never got angry with them, just told them some words weren't considered polite by some people so best not to use them in front of any adult (or younger kid!).

Hygellig · 16/08/2015 20:37

Unfortunately my son, who's four, knows a few expletives now (after watching his dad do DIY or getting annoyed with something) and delights in repeating them. He has fortunately never said any swearwords at school, and I have repeatedly told him that he's not supposed to say them. I also try and teach him some alternatives (e.g. fiddlesticks, sugarlumps, nang-dang-darn-it) that he likes the sound of and can say instead.