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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to think I'm not bonded to my child and be devastated by this?

52 replies

Florencefan · 14/08/2015 20:45

I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter and I'm becoming increasingly doubtful that we're bonded. Or at best, I think we have a very weak bond. A bit of a back story is that she was an extremely uncuddly baby - so much so that it sent me into Pnd as I took it as a major rejection. That was when she was one. Everyone promised me she would become more cuddly and she hasn't. Consequently I am feeling increasingly disconnected from her and I'm genuinely worried about what's going to happen and if I can do anything about this? I actually posted on here about a year ago about it and got told to 'back off' 'give her space!' Etc which is fine, I did, and a year on I'm now feeling just so, so sad and that I'm just living with a child who I may as well just be child minding for. It occurred to me that if someone swapped me for another mother for her she probably wouldn't care less. That's the most horrible feeling.
When I take her to nursery she barely looks round. I pick her up, she looks disappointed. My heart breaks each time. If she falls over and I try to comfort her she pushes me off. I try periodically to cuddle her but she holds me at arms length. If I even sit next to get and lay a hand on her leg she peels it off.
I'm naturally an affectionate and loving person so I find this almost unbareable and take it as a massive rejection. I'm pretty sure I love her but I really don't feel we are bonded at all. An example being that now if she cries it doesn't particularly affect me. I used to get upset by her crying but I now just attend to whatever is upsetting her but it doesn't actually bother me as such if she cries. I think it's because I've had to force myself to disconnect from her emotionally as its been a daily agony for two years now. THIS is primarily what makes me think we aren't bonded. I can't stand that things have got like this as this is not 'me' at all. I'm a single mum (by choice) so no father involved.
Any thoughts?
I'm so so so sad about this so please be gentle.
(She's just had her 27 month check and all was normal- she's a very happy, chatty, sociable child with great eye contact so no autism etc suspected at all)

OP posts:

Sallystyle · 14/08/2015 21:35

this is a different poster to the one who was sat next to her child crying

Oh, if so, then I apologise OP

FarFromAnyRoad · 14/08/2015 21:38

this is a different poster to the one who was sat next to her child crying

Has the OP confirmed that? Because to me it reads almost word for word the same.

Totality22 · 14/08/2015 21:40

Is it a different poster or a name changer?

It is so strikingly similar to the other thread.

Heyho111 · 14/08/2015 21:45

Hi. Not all children / people show and like to receive affection in the same way. Occasionally a child shows love differently. They may not like being hugged or kissed. However they may like sitting alongside you. They may show their love by handing you a toy.
The thing is she goes to you when hurt or I'll. you are the constant and that is a bond to her. The hardest thing is understanding her little signals of love. It's dispensing with the norm. That's hard. She knows your always there. She's sociable. Mine hated playing at home at that age preferred peers to play with.
I hope you can just stand back and notice the little things that show she loves you so very much.

Littleen · 14/08/2015 21:45

It sounds like you have an attachment problem (ie avoidant category). If you're serious about changing the relationship - which you can do, it's not too late! - you should look up "circle of security intervention" and perhaps buy the book. Studying the book and working through things have helped a great deal for me and my 17m old son, who also had attachment issues previously. It's much better now, and I get lots of cuddles too. You can fix it, but start with yourself. xxx

SweetieXPie · 14/08/2015 21:49

My oldest DC was like this, she literally would go stiff if I hugged her, never wanted cuddles, not very affectionate at all.
Funny enough since I have had my other two (who are very affectionate) she has become more loving and wanting hugs, I think she realised watching the others what she was missing out on x
I wouldn't worry, some children are just not 'huggy' children

mineofuselessinformation · 14/08/2015 21:54

I think some of the responses you have had here are are a bit harsh.
Fwiw, I have a dc similar to yours. They never wanted to be held facing me, but were otherwise a bright, sociable, even precocious child. Turns out dc has ADD. Things are very good now. Xh was very resistant to getting a diagnosis, but it was helpful in understanding what was going on.
Don't plod on alone. Whatever this is, it's worth knowing WHAT it is.
Don't assume you have PND. Ask your HV, or GP.
If I've projected and this is not what you're experiencing, I'm sorry... I just thought it might be helpful to give a different perspective.

NeverHadHaveHas · 14/08/2015 21:55

Movedbyfancies - how do you know that?

SweetieXPie · 14/08/2015 21:56

I also was not a very affectionate child with my mum, I was a very independent child, never like hugs etc, and I have a brilliant relationship with my mum, it never affected our bond in the long term

Mrsjayy · 14/08/2015 22:05

I think you are very focussed on the cuddles not all chilldren want or need this my eldest wasnt very affectionate. I really think you should talk to somebody maybe your health visitor you must befeeling sad which means you are missing out in bonding in other ways with her

FATEdestiny · 14/08/2015 22:16

My eldest wasn't an overly cuddly baby. She became more affectionate with age.

I find something deeply worrying about the tone of your OP. Not in a stroppy-have-a-go-at-you way. I think you should maybe talk through how you feel with someone professional.

Mrsjayy · 14/08/2015 22:21

I do too Fate

CrapBag · 14/08/2015 22:25

It seems very sad that you are emotionally detaching from your child just because she won't cuddle you. You say you are an affectionate person, well she obviously isn't. You can't force her to be and I feel sorry for her because you seem to pin a whole relationship based on how much she cuddles you. I'm not an affectionate person (except with my children) and I have a very definite 'this is my personal space, do not invade it'. It doesn't mean that I don't love the people around me.

My DS wasn't particularly affectionate when he was younger. He'd have a brief cuddle then squirm to get down. He is just independant. This did change when I had DD though and he has got more affectionate as he has got older.

MadamArcatiAgain · 14/08/2015 22:27

It isn't your DDs role to fulfill your needs for affection.Idon't mean this flippantly, but maybe you should get a dog?

Spottypjs1 · 14/08/2015 22:56

My DC1 was similar to this. My DC2 has always been very affectionate. DC1 has always been very independent and always been brilliant at going to nursery and school. However, DC2 is more clingy and often doesn't want to go to school. I now really appreciate the independence of DC1. When DC1 was in reception and Y1, they would run in to school without a backward glance and leave school and hardly say hello. This made me sad but I have made sure that I give them a kiss before and after school and before bed and lots during the day and although this was not natural for my DC1 at first, a few years on and they now come to me for more cuddles and is definitely more affectionate. I think my persistence has paid off. I say keep giving your DD a kiss and a quick cuddle. My DC1 is still not as affectionate as DC2 but is a lot better. Good luck, I am sure you will get there. My advice would be; don't back off, your DD still loves and depends on you.

TwistedReality · 14/08/2015 23:00

I too thought this was the poster from the other thread of the same subject.

MovedByFancies you seem so certain that this is not the same poster from before when the OP of this thread has not confirmed one way or the other.

How do you know? Are you the OP?

BitchPeas · 14/08/2015 23:01

Your child will be whoever she wants to be. If she's not affectionate then you can't change that, don't take it personally, you can bond in other ways.

It is not her job to fulfil your emotional needs. You are an adult she is your child not your play thing who makes you feel all snugly wugly on a cold evening.

I'm sure you are the poster who posted 6 weeks ish ago, I really think you need some help. You are projecting your insecurities onto a small child which, in the end, will just end up pushing her further away.

You are an adult, take responsibility for your own issues, let your daughter be.

FarFromAnyRoad · 14/08/2015 23:25

Twisted I think you've got a hole in one there!! Telling that neither of the 2 ids has been back

I will never understand why people do this kind of shizz.

FeedYourselfSmiles · 15/08/2015 02:17

Your DD being okay when you drop her off is a sign she's securely attached to you not the other way around. She feels safe and knows you'll come back. As is her being happy and sociable. She's just not physically affectionate, lots of people aren't. You need to speak to someone about this as this is your problem, not hers.

BarbaraManatee · 15/08/2015 02:46

very happy, chatty, sociable child with great eye contact

Same was said about my DS1 at that age. Except he doesn't have "great eye contact", he looks at faces, not eyes, & only because I've taught him to do it. It comes across as "good eye contact" because he only does it briefly while engaged with another task - he'll glance over at your face & you'll think he's making eye-contact but if you're talking about something he's interested in then he'll stare at your mouth & it's easy to tell the difference when he's close up. He's nearly 4 now & his chatty/sociable attributes that others seem to find adorable actually consist of him loudly telling complete strangers we happen to be passing all about what we're doing or interrogating them about what they're doing. He'll repeat the same question until he gets an answer, regardless of how much we try to shush him or placate him with whisperings about how we don't need to tell everyone we pass that he's just done a poo as if we're chatting about the weather.

He hates being cuddled & will regularly insist he doesn't love me if I tell him I love him. Am working on replacing that with "I know" because it does bother me. We've been leaving him with people he barely knows but we do, obviously since he was 4mo. When he could walk we'd go to pick him up from a crèche & we could lead him by the hand out of the room without saying anything or him so much as glancing at us. Absolutely zero reaction to being left too. At pre-school he cries before I take him because of a phobia he's developed about another child there but will seemingly wander happily into the room once there, without a backwards glance. What's actually happening is that he's internalising all his fear & doesn't know how to react so goes completely blank & just wanders the entire time until someone engages with him.

We're just waiting for a letter in the next few weeks about his ASD referral. To most people he seems like an enthusiastic, chatty, stereotypical "boy" but DH & I can see the deeper issues & thankfully his pre-school & HV have looked beyond the obvious & noticed the issues too. I was terrified we'd have to fight for someone else to see it after 3 years of being told he was "fine" by people who had no specialist knowledge in the area.

I do agree with others though that you seem a little too invested in your need for physical affection. I know DS1 loves me because I'm the one who's expected to answer all his incessant questions. He respects my knowledge & trusts me to tell him the truth. That's enough for me. DS2, on the other hand, flings his arms around me at every possible opportunity & I love that too. They're very different people & I've definitely felt more classically "bonded" with DS2 but I know that's just my interpretation based on how society depicts the "proper" relationship between parent & child. I did spend the first 2 years of DS1's life feeling a bit concerned that he didn't like me but then it dawned on me that he was a baby & liked everyone but that I was his mother whether he liked me or not!

chrome100 · 15/08/2015 06:12

I was a very unaffectionate child. I know it upset my mum but it was just how I was. I was very prickly, badly behaved and uptight. I finally came out the other side aged about 25 (yes, really!) we have a good relationship now but I was just a bit of a terrible child. I don't know why.

ExitStageLeft · 15/08/2015 06:39

I think some of the posts are unnecessarily harsh.

Great advice above from lots of posters, DS is a bit like this, he doesn't really like cuddles, only on his terms. It can be upsetting and I remember crying to DH saying why won't he let me comfort him?! Since having DD he become more cuddly...I'd be interested to know if she does like doing some things with you? You need to learn to bond on another level.

Good luck OP

Roonerspism · 15/08/2015 07:09

My DD1 was a bit like this. My mum told me to chill out and be proud that she felt secure enough in her love from me that she didn't seem to need me, if that makes sense. I rather liked her advice and I did choose to chill out.

Well she is now 5 and I adore her independence. She is very affectionate now too, but is still the child who runs into school without a glance. I have other kids now, much more clingy ones.....

Without trying to sound patronising, could you take my mum's advice too?

Iggly · 15/08/2015 07:15

Do you do things like reading her a story, going for trips and having fun etc. It sounds like you want cuddles but that isn't the only sign of affection and a bond.
So my DD sometimes pushes me away, she doesn't like being fussed over if she hurts herself, she doesn't like kisses etc but that's just her. However we read stories - she sits on my lap for that, we have nice little chats, I take her out to the park and we have simple fun etc.

I think you should talk to your gp. Your daughter is so very young and in some ways her behaviour is personality but in other ways she could be reflecting you. You're putting a lot of expectation on her e.g expecting cuddles etc in order to perhaps fulfil a need you have?

IndecisionCentral · 15/08/2015 07:24

I'm sorry you're feeling this way op, but agree with many other posters. You seem to need your DD to fulfil an emotional need of your own. She's happy and healthy and you need to appreciate who she is rather than comparing her to an ideal.

Barbara when DS says he doesn't love me I reply with "that's ok, I love you enough for both of us". Makes me feel better having something to say that's not a negative reaction and it has definitely reduced the frequency he says it!

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