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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? DP and Maintenance payments

51 replies

eggypeggsandsoldiers · 14/08/2015 16:18

We have this morning been threatened with legal action from DPs ex. His divorce (finalised in 2006) stated maintenance payments would finish at the end of secondary education or age 18.

Ex-wife is now gunning for another four years of maintenance, AIBU to think the original divorce agreement/settlement should stand?

Has anyone else heard of the courts ordering maintenance payments to continue through university?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Original poster
eggypeggsandsoldiers · 14/08/2015 16:59

Will be living in halls, we were not involved in his student finance so I have no idea what his maintenance grant is. No that I expect this information to be any of my business.

It is really difficult because of course we want to help and have every intention to support him directly.

The letter is just a little aggressive and completely out of the blue.

OP posts:
HSMMaCM · 14/08/2015 17:00

Who spent the Uni lump sum? and on what?

I also agree that future maintenance should be paid to the adult child, not the ExW.

HSMMaCM · 14/08/2015 17:01

Sorry ... cross posted about the lump sum

LaurieFairyCake · 14/08/2015 17:23

Just ignore the letter, contact the child and pay them the 150-200 monthly that you are going to pay.

He doesn't have to pay her at all.

Icimoi · 14/08/2015 17:27

Have you double checked the wording of the court order? It would be quite unusual for it not to be phrased in terms of full time education.

Dynomite · 14/08/2015 18:19

Even if he lives in halls, he'll be spending loads of time home at his mum's as well - holidays, weekends. All that cost adds up. Can't blame her for wanting something formal in place to make sure your DP doesn't refuse to pay anything in,let's say, 2nd year of uni.
And the fact that they had already agreed on something is relevant but situations change, kids are more expensive than expected, uni is more expensive than it was 10 -15 years ago as well. So what they had agreed on 15 years ago, or whenever they split, is not necessarily the right thing anymore. And it's not the ex's fault that he went on to have 4 more children. That's his responsibility, not hers. Also, the letter is presumably from a lawyer,in which case you can't blame her if the tone of the letter is rude/aggressive.

Funinthesun15 · 14/08/2015 18:26

contact the child and pay them the 150-200 monthly that you are going to pay

I agree with this. Pay directly to the child.

QuiteLikely5 · 14/08/2015 18:31

I would stop the payments. Pay directly to the son. He is not a child and by law can support himself.

Ihateigglepiggle · 14/08/2015 18:36

Yes, in an ideal world the 'child' should get it directly - but maybe the mum is worried her child won't be able to stay afloat if the payments are missed. She needs something official in place to make sure.

On the other hand, she might not trust her 'child' to be sensible and is counting on the money to pay for halls or something.

fedupbutfine · 14/08/2015 18:50

presumably your husband expects his ex to 'hold open' a home for their child? you do realise that universities have very long holidays and many young people return home during the holidays? would you be willing to have your step son live with you during holidays if his mother is no longer able to afford to keep him at home?

I understand that maintenance is a thorny issue with adult 'children' and I generally agree that payments should be made to the 'child' directly. However, the number of posts you see along the lines of 'he's had to come to stay with us 'cos mum will no longer have him because she doesn't get the benefits anymore, greedy cow' always seem to ignore the fundamental point that holidays are long and university students do still seem to consider themselves dependent on their parents.

Perhaps a holiday payment to the ex would help?

lampshady · 14/08/2015 19:15

Why was a court order even necessary in the first place?

By the way, that wasn't a personal attack previously.

RedDaisyRed · 14/08/2015 19:20

You need to think about the law too so number 1 is dust off that consent order and read its terms.
If it says to age 18 then you move to the next bit of law which says the non resident parent can be obliged to pay the child direct for university costs if it is university.
Then consider the moral side of it. When my older 3 were qta university all fully funded by me they were in my house 50% of the time so I ndeed that huge extra mortgage, had those 3 mouths to feed because I chose to etc and I funded everything and their father because I'm nice like that and he chooses to pay nothing not least because the court order says so as I earn more..... but it is cost to the resident parent in university holidays. I save that cost why not let him stay with you through lal the university holidays instead of his mother?

SpendSpendSpend · 14/08/2015 19:31

If someone decides to go to uni, its up to them to fund it. You are a adult when you go to uni.

Maintenance for adult children is ridiculous.

There was a uni fund there but its been spent on rubbish so why should your dh pay twice?

Micah · 14/08/2015 19:37

My understanding is maintenance continues until 19 if still in education. That doesn't include uni.

I agree that you should pay the money that you'll pay all your kids directly to dsc.

We are very low income so wouldn't be able to contribute. That applies to our own kids as well as dsc. If any of them want to go to uni they'll have to work out their own finances.

Lonecatwithkitten · 14/08/2015 19:42

Lampshady court sealed financial consent orders are the norm for a divorce legal dividing assets.

SurlyCue · 14/08/2015 19:54

How do you know uni fund is gone? Have you had proof or just been told? By who? And what has it gone on?

coffeeisnectar · 14/08/2015 19:55

I think that paying the dc directly is the way to go. Then during the holidays dc can offer that monthly money to his mum as "keep" or heaven forbid, get a bloody job!

My own dd has one more year of school and then hopefully off to uni. There's no way I can fund anything for her on a regular basis, she will save up from her job before she goes, get a job when she moves and take out loans.

The ops dp has already handed over a lump sum for uni, which has been used on cars and holidays. He's also paid the full maintenance. Surely to God the dc can get a job and this assumption that nrp should forever be paying out for adult dc is baffling.

But I was brought up to stand on my own two feet and did so and never asked my parents for anything once I was old enough to work.

In this case it seems a bit ridiculous to be paying maintenance for an adult to another adult who doesn't even reside with them.

Epilepsyhelp · 14/08/2015 20:01

It's ridiculous how any OP who starts a post vaguely suggesting that a partner's ex might be being unreasonable about the kids is shredded by at least some of the responders!

Uni money has been spent, but that's not really the kids fault so it would be ideal to contribute to them being at uni, but this should absolutely go direct to the DC.

'Keeping a house open' is as irrelevant as it is when the NRP has to do it for the evenings/weekends they get to spend with their kids.

Stop vilifying NRPs with absolutely no fact or basis people.

shartsi · 14/08/2015 20:16

My DHs exwife tried to extend this but the case was dismissed based on the fact that the ex wife could not prove that DH could afford further payment.

Original poster
eggypeggsandsoldiers · 14/08/2015 20:20

Thanks so much for your replies.

I can't out myself but, yes, uni fund has all gone. We didn't react at the time because it was felt that DPs kids had benefitted. We did however make comments to them along the lines of "that was meant for uni" at the time.

DP has contacted his divorce lawyer this week as before receiving the letter we had had some text messages threatening legal action. We have now been have been advised not to agree to anything and certainly not to pay any money.

Legally she took the lump sum and it is clearly stated it was for university. She also had all the marital assets (main property, rental property and family cars etc.,) he was left with nothing. The divorce papers state end of secondary education, there is no mention of tertiary or university education being covered. This means that the last two years maintenance for both children was actually well "above and beyond" what was in an extremely generous divorce settlement.

OP posts:
FortyCoats · 14/08/2015 20:26

Your DH shouldn't need to prove anything into. This is crazy stuff right here.

There is a legal line drawn, one has to be drawn somewhere doesn't it? That line is

GemmaTeller · 14/08/2015 20:27

DH's ex was most put out when DH told her the maintenance was going to be paid direct to DSD when she went away to uni.

Even though she worked fulltime and had a partner she seriously thought she was getting that money till DSD got a job and could then pay keep/rent.

She tried to argue that even though DSD was going away to uni and not living with either parent it was better the money was paid to her and she would sub DSD.

So DH set a dd up to DSD when she started uni and paid the maintenance straight to her (along with paying her mobile contract and giving her money every time we saw her) and yes, the ex tried to get the money off her.....

bereal7 · 14/08/2015 20:30

If you plan on giving your children £200 (or whatever sum) a month, then you should give your stepson £100 because his mum should contribute half of it aswell.

Whatever you decide, you should definitely give the money to your stepson - he is an adult and should handle his own finances. His mum can then charge him board if she wants too -he can also get a job at uni, if his degree allows.

bereal7 · 14/08/2015 20:32

Gemma Shock she tried to steal money from her own child? Wonders shall never cease

GemmaTeller · 14/08/2015 20:41

bereal yes, because she was, and still is, all about the money.