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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Iabu/ridiculous/pfb, aren't I?

70 replies

Ohfourfoxache · 13/08/2015 23:31

Huge backstory but I'm going to be deliberately vague because I'm worried that the "historic" past is clouding my judgment. Please bear with me - this post is based on the last few months.

Ds is 5 months old.

We have relatives visiting on Saturday - I'm going to call them husband, wife (both 60's) and son (40s). These relatives have been asking us to have children and add to the family for 15 years now. Ds is our only DC and we were told that they were very excited that we were expecting and that they would have a child in the family.

Reality is that they don't bother visiting, even when they are in the area. The visit this weekend has been prompted by the son having an appointment in the area and other relatives posting pics of Ds on FB (I know Blush) - they get insanely jealous if we see other people/relatives and this has been the source of much bad feeling over the years. We have tried extremely hard to maintain a relationship but in vain.

My issue is that wife and son insist that they watch ds's nappy being changed whenever they are around and the need arises. There is no offer of "oh we'll change his nappy", they just stand there gawping at him, neither use or ornament and just get in the way.

I don't have any child protection concerns per se, but it makes me very uncomfortable. I feel judged and a bit protective of Ds, even though he's only 5 months old ffs.

The wife is very manipulative and cries to get her own way (she once cried because I turned the centre light down in our own lounge as I had a headache - she doesn't like dark rooms Hmm) So if I say something then WW3 will break out.

Sorry for the essay - please tell me iabu and to get a grip and it's only a fucking nappy change fgs and to stop being so precious Thanks

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 13/08/2015 23:59

So essentially they want to be with him constantly and if they can't hold him due to nappy change they want to watch. I'd grit your teeth for the moment.

In a month or so's time the dirty nappies are going to start to get a lot stinkier . This may put them off. Furthermore DS is going to start getting more mobile and won't want to be held all the time. They may be forced to be less intense naturally.

For this visit hang in there. Or if there's a complete poonami tell them to change him. This may also mean they back off in future.

Original poster
Ohfourfoxache · 14/08/2015 00:01

The trouble is that I don't know if my gut instinct is specifically as a result of this or historic problems.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohfourfoxache · 14/08/2015 00:07

For context, the wife and son are two of the noisiest people I have ever met. The first question the wife asked upon meeting Ds for the first time was "we're you stitched?" (Absolutely no reason, cultural or otherwise, for her to wish to know this). The son likes looking around people's bedrooms - be they friends, relatives or casual acquaintances.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohfourfoxache · 14/08/2015 00:07

were

OP posts:
Marshy · 14/08/2015 00:08

They sound seriously weird and unreasonable. I'm not sure why you're tiptoeing around them.

It's your home and your child. Do what you are comfortable with and ignore the childish strops. What adult cries because of dim lighting ffs Hmm

yellowsnownoteatwillyou · 14/08/2015 00:11

Take him in the bathroom and lock the door.
The answer to their statement that they want to watch.

Is "that's odd, I never thought it was a spectator sport" with a confused look on your face and keep walking.

Historic Alarm bells or not, that's just weird.

Marshy · 14/08/2015 00:11

Were you stitched?? What??

I'm sorry but if someone is rude enough to bluntly ask something like that then they deserve an equally forthright answer along the lines of mind your own sodding business!

And as for looking round the bedrooms - no way!

fuzzpig · 14/08/2015 00:14

Erm. This sounds rather disturbing.

I second the 'lock yourself in the bathroom for nappy changes' idea. If you hide keep supplies in there then at some point you can just head in there and lock the door immediately. If you actually get a chance to hold him, that is :(

Jeez, though. Just... why?! Ugh

Hellionandfriends · 14/08/2015 00:14

I'd just say 'back in a moment. Then quick as a flash whip off and change him without on lookers. I'd use the loo if essential.

fuzzpig · 14/08/2015 00:18

And I understand you want to be vague with details so please don't say more, and you've said you don't have any CP concerns, but if the 'history' you refer to has ANYTHING to do with inappropriate behaviour in that sense, then I really really would consider biting the bullet and going NC.

But either way YANBU/PFB. Not in the slightest.

ijustwannadance · 14/08/2015 00:18

Does the son have mental issues? Weird that a man that age would want to watch a nappy change. Assuming he still lives with parents?
I would change baby in bathroom too.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/08/2015 00:18

Just tell them you are trying out a modern bathroom toilet association method and it requires you to change nappies in the bathroom in private because you wish to familiarise your child with toilets/ personal care and privacy.
Make up some nonsence about connecting it to the nspcc PANTS campaign and that the younger you start the more normal that becomes.

Drivel a bit about being very committed to it I might amuse myself by claiming I was taking part in a study and how we must all think of the kiddies.

Well actually I would have told them to fuck off but seen as you don't feel it's appropriate then you could at least amuse yourself with being just as weird as they are

BitchBags · 14/08/2015 00:19

Wow these people sound wierd!
OP I think you need to tell us he back story too!

Original poster
Ohfourfoxache · 14/08/2015 00:27

Fuzz no cp concerns etc at all - I promise. If there were then it would be a cold day in hell before Ds had anything to do with them.

Reason for being vague is because it's mil, fil and Bil - please please don't flame me for il bashing because I'm really not and I'm trying desperately to be impartial Sad

Bil "sort of" lives with his parents (they have 2 homes, he lives in 1 and they flit between the 2).

Sock I would love to do this but DH would never agree to me fibbing

OP posts:
yellowsnownoteatwillyou · 14/08/2015 00:36

It doesn't matter that they are your Inlaws.
No one has changed my ds apart from myself and my DH.
Our choice
We change ds in the bathroom at their house as we both can't be bothered with unwanted attention.
If they were hanging around me when changing him, I would leave the room.

fuzzpig · 14/08/2015 00:51

That's good, I'm glad there aren't any of that sort of worry. Anyway, regardless of back story, the specific behaviour you've mentioned IS enough for you to be pissed off. So I don't think it's clouded your judgement on this issue.

It's just so bizarre! Who would actually want to be next to a stinky nappy if they had a choice Confused

ReginaFelangi · 14/08/2015 00:58

It was pretty obvious it was your in laws. Wink

Original poster
Ohfourfoxache · 14/08/2015 01:02

I didn't really want to make it about the il relationship though iyswim! Unfortunately sometimes Aibu + mention of ils = verdict of deliberate il bashing!

OP posts:
avocadotoast · 14/08/2015 01:14

That is very weird behaviour.

The only person who's ever been intently interested in me changing DD is my cousin. She's 5.

For an adult though? That is bizarre.

Depending on your house set up I'd definitely take him elsewhere. Don't even tell them you're going to change him, just take him and make an excuse to get out the room ("come on, let's go get you a book/toy/clean pair of socks") and don't even tell them you've done it.

LadyCuntingtonThe3rd · 14/08/2015 01:19

When was the last time they saw your DS? Because at that age my DD started crying every time stranger (not me or DP) picked her up. So if it's been more than 2 weeks, you might get away with "oh, sorry, he's afraid of everyone right now and won't want to stay in your arms".
But yes, change him elsewhere and say something about "pants" campaign.

Original poster
Ohfourfoxache · 14/08/2015 01:24

For balance, my DPs, dsis and dbil change Ds regularly - my DPs because they're loving grandparents and are just involved, as too are dsis and dbil with the added reason that dsis is due in 2 weeks (dc1) and they have practiced nappy changing/bathing/feeding/winding with Ds in preparation for their new arrival. Just as I imagine that I'll change d niece/nephew when they arrive. We are all very much of the "get stuck in and lend a hand" attitude.

The difference is that ils aren't - they just want to watch.

Any ideas how I can avoid questions/challenges where they argue that because my family change him, they should be allowed to watch? I find it very difficult not to resort to "fuck off" when responding to them, especially as they are so confrontational that they get me flustered

OP posts:
stolemyusername · 14/08/2015 01:28

I'd respond that they are quite welcome to change him (even though I would so not be as they seem a little odd), but as they aren't actually changing him, nappy times aren't a spectator sport!

Original poster
Ohfourfoxache · 14/08/2015 01:31

Last saw him at the beginning of June but he's generally a very happy baby and grins at everyone whether he knows them or not!

If he does cry then dh encourages them to hold onto him Sad

Apparently I have a "bad attitude" towards them and I need to accept them as they are.

OP posts:
stolemyusername · 14/08/2015 01:42

Is DH there when your PIL's are? If he is I would insist that he dealt with all nappy changes - let him see how annoying it is to have someone constantly watching you/getting in the way when your trying to sort DS out.

bettyberry · 14/08/2015 01:46

People looking around my bedroom would make me very very uneasy! People staring at me when changing a nappy would make me very very uneasy.

I have a lock on my bedroom door now after one wandering guest decided to rummage and make comments about a vibrator. it was in a box. they had to open the box to find it Angry

Its a major breach of privacy to go into other peoples rooms without invitation.

Take baby into the bathroom or a bedroom to change and close the door. Tell relatives that bedrooms are off limits to everyone. If they do not respect that rule they can fuck off. I'm serious though. Its your home and your baby. If they don't like it don't come.

As to asking about you being stitched. How rude! Id probably have said yes. They made me a virgin again Shock

If they insist on watching Id tell them you find it bloody uncomfortable to watch a child having his back side wiped! Or suggest they watch you when you go to the loo and have a good clean post poop Grin