To not tell DH I've contacted his nc dd?

[LittleLionMansMummy]

She's 18 and went nc 4 years ago. Long story involving a degree of active and passive parental alienation on her mum's part.

Dh has continued to send cards at Christmas, birthdays and for exam results etc letting her know he's there if she ever wants to get back in contact. It's been hard and we both experienced something very similar to bereavement until we made a conscious decision to move on in the knowledge she never replied to any communication from him and refused to meet up with him. So, although he still sends cards to her, he no longer expects anything back - this avoiding huge disappointment and grief again.

Today she went a round Robin to say she's done well in her A levels. She probably had no intention of telling DH but his number was still in her phone. He was excited at first because he thought she'd contacted him specifically to let him know. He was crest fallen when he realised it went to everyone. He's told me that he believes when she moves away to uni he's lost her completely. Anyway, he replied to her text to say he was proud and still here etc but no reply.

Her text also came through to me so I replied and congratulated her, said we both know she'll do well at uni and beyond. I asked if she'd consider meeting up with dh before she leaves. I explained that although she feels she's moved on in life, it's impossible for a parent to forget a child. I said if she felt she couldn't meet up, would it hurt to send him an occasional text just to let him know she's ok. So far nothing back, although I don't think I expected anything (she is more receptive to me and we always used to get on well prior to her going nc).

Anyway, I don't think I can reopen old wounds by telling dh that I've asked the question and that she's bit replied/ not willing to meet up. Clearly I'd let him know if she replies positively, but I don't want to hurt him more than he is already. I just thought it was worth another try as she might listen to me. AIBU not telling him?

The OP acknowledges that while the mother was more to blame, her husband is not blameless either. Both contrubuted to the problem and both, more from the mother, changed their ways for the younger DSD.

Don't be defensive, listen.

There are a group of us that are telling you that we find "would it hurt..." to be an alienating phrase.

"Would you consider?" would have avoided that.

Of course it's too late now, but really - don't be defensive and not take the information on board for next time. It is otherwise a lovely text but one wrong move can undo the whole thing. I've been that teen (they went NC with me but I chose to accept and continue it)

FWIW, I did get in contact much later. Don't give up hope! (they fucked it up and I'm NC again now, but still...)

The other potential issue that you might want to bear in mind for future attempts is that I personally feel (and: anecdotal evidence of one friend with a SM and NC!) that it looks bad is all or more effort comes from the SM. My friend just takes that as more evidence that her dad doesn't care - I know him, he doesn't (she's not a friend actually, family, hence I know her dad's side). It really fucks her off to hear from SM not him - it actually makes it worse.

Why on earth would the step-daughter be on Mumsnet? Seriously?

And I may be projecting but the attempted contact with my bio dad through his wife did a lot of damage to me mentally at the time - and I was 40 years old, not a teenager. The reasons for her going NC are irrelevant - she's old enough to make her own decisions. Great that you are close to your other DSD but please don't get yourself involved.

Why wouldn't she be? Why wouldn't her mother be? Why would anybody post a transcript of a message they've sent out to somebody?

This has the potential to blow up into a big mess as it is.

I agree with the majority- your text was fine until "would it hurt" because that suggests she is in the wrong for not contacting your h (and you believe that her mother is to blame not dsd1) "Would it hurt" makes it all about your h's feelings and today should be all about dsd1.

I think she could tell her mother who may mention it to your h so probably best to mention it.

I felt that way, Cabrinha, my dad's third wife repeatedly tried to build and mend bridges. She didn't know the history and kept badgering my dad into contact he didn't want. It was awful. When they divorced we went right back to no contact. You're right, it did feel worse that a third party was staging interventions and trying to force contact.

Do you really have your dsd version of events?

My father's wife and I had a good relationship before I went nc, I didn't like things he did, I hated how he spoke to me and my mum. It was nothing to do with his wife for any reason. I chose to go nc with him as why should I have to speak to someone I have no like for/feelings towards and respect for? His wife sticking her nose in confirmed it.

I wouldn't tell him. The wording may not have been spot on in every respect but hopefully she will read it for the genuine intent there to build bridges. Hope something good comes of it.

Pps are ignoring fact that dsd texted both her dad AND her step mum

You don't text people you've gone nc with unless something in you wants to c

You sound lovely op. I think you're great for trying. Leave it with dsd now

You have said that you and your DH have done nothing wrong but that is your opinion and she seems to have a different one. She might feel that you have done something and that is why she went no contact. Today is her day for celebrating and although you meant well and were just helping your DH what you said her comes across as scolding.