To not tell DH I've contacted his nc dd?

[LittleLionMansMummy]

She's 18 and went nc 4 years ago. Long story involving a degree of active and passive parental alienation on her mum's part.

Dh has continued to send cards at Christmas, birthdays and for exam results etc letting her know he's there if she ever wants to get back in contact. It's been hard and we both experienced something very similar to bereavement until we made a conscious decision to move on in the knowledge she never replied to any communication from him and refused to meet up with him. So, although he still sends cards to her, he no longer expects anything back - this avoiding huge disappointment and grief again.

Today she went a round Robin to say she's done well in her A levels. She probably had no intention of telling DH but his number was still in her phone. He was excited at first because he thought she'd contacted him specifically to let him know. He was crest fallen when he realised it went to everyone. He's told me that he believes when she moves away to uni he's lost her completely. Anyway, he replied to her text to say he was proud and still here etc but no reply.

Her text also came through to me so I replied and congratulated her, said we both know she'll do well at uni and beyond. I asked if she'd consider meeting up with dh before she leaves. I explained that although she feels she's moved on in life, it's impossible for a parent to forget a child. I said if she felt she couldn't meet up, would it hurt to send him an occasional text just to let him know she's ok. So far nothing back, although I don't think I expected anything (she is more receptive to me and we always used to get on well prior to her going nc).

Anyway, I don't think I can reopen old wounds by telling dh that I've asked the question and that she's bit replied/ not willing to meet up. Clearly I'd let him know if she replies positively, but I don't want to hurt him more than he is already. I just thought it was worth another try as she might listen to me. AIBU not telling him?

But in her eyes she has been wronged; her father left her, and her mother, for another woman and her family unit has been destroyed.

That is how she sees it, whether it is correct or not.

Apart from anything else op, today she did send a text, on what was a happy and important day for her. You responded by proving that she can't just send a quick text without the whole situation being dragged up again.

There is more to life than her parents divorce and the whole difficult situation surrounding it. All you have done is prove to her that she can't have a happy day and share her news without being reminded of the negative and her supposed responsibilities.

If you had wanted to reach out you couldn't have picked a worse time.

Liquorice, I don't know what your beef is with MN and step parents is but this is OP's life, her step daughter's life and the damage that can result from continued involvement that somebody doesn't want is HUGE. What then? Throw up your hands and say "I tried", as you turn your back on the mess?

OP's step daughter KNOWS that her dad is there for her because he's told her after the text. Any approach needs to come from her now, not because she's being pressured to respond when she's not ready. I won't say 'hunting' or 'stalking' but when somebody doesn't want to be in contact - and they're an adult - at some point you have to respect their decision.

Thanks Liquorice - I think that hits the nail on the head. Dh was abandoned by his dad when he was 12 - never saw or heard from him again. He hates him for it and wants dsd to know he hasn't abandoned her and has kept trying.

As for being a wicked stepmother, I always had a great relationship with her which is why I brought she might open up to me. My other stepdaughter and I remain very close and love each other to bits. So this is not about either of them taking against me or mine and DH's relationship.

I think you were right to send a simple and very gentle message to her, since she contacted you, albeit accidentally, and I think you are right not to build up your dh's hopes by mentioning it at this stage.

She may well remember the kindness of your words and I would hope that one day - maybe when graduating or getting married, or having her first child - it will give her the opening to get in touch again. She is still young and her emotions/hormones are still dominating her thinking.

Is she still in touch with her sister?

It's her husband's daughter. Were all things hunky dory in the family then it would be her business as step daughter would be in THEIR lives. As it is, husband's daughter has absented herself. It's between her and her father.

Yes, please DO rest your case.

Oh and Goblin WT actual F? I was not the OW!

completely the wrong time to do it if anything

she'll have been all bubbly and delighted with herself and probably completely deflated when she got your text.

the day was meant to be about her and you made it about you , congratulations would have sufficed and a hand held out later maybe but she made an effort and got a lecture in return why would she respond well to that

YABVU! As a pp already said, you just proved to her that she cannot send a simple text or enjoy a happy day for her without you or her dad trying to bring up the whole situation. Nicely done,OP. I think you just managed to alienate her more. If I were your DH, I'd be furious. And he has every right to know!!!! This is his daughter and what you did might have just damaged his relationship more and he deserves to know!

op def dont tell him.

There is no point or need.

What I would do however is to keep on sending the odd supportive message.

I would not give up she is still so young.

One day she will talk about this with a partner or good friend and they will ask - did her DF give up, or you - and if she says NO - they kept sending messages, presents and so on, cards, your keeping the door open.

dont go overboard with it - just bdays, xmas and few messages in between, dont give up on her.

My dc's in their teens are nc with their Dad, because he was/is horrible. His other children from his first marriage are also (mostly) nc for the same reason. I am not saying this is true of your DH.

However I would be so angry and sad for them if this contact was forced on them on such a big day, their day. I think your sentiment was nice and kind however your timing was more than a little off.

It's very easy to jump on a few words, but honestly I lost sympathy when you included the phrase "would it hurt..."

That's a reprimand, and as a NC daughter at 16 myself I'd have rolled my eyes at it.

oh op :(

I feel for you and your dh because we are in almost the exact same situation except dh hasn't seen his dd for 7 years

so much stuff has gone on

was dh's dd's a level results day today, we have no idea how she has done

no advice at all as we have handled everything really badly...but feel free to message me if you want to talk more x

My dad's wife did this, i stupidly forgot to remove their numbers from my phone when I messaged about ds birth. She was all "congratulations but would it hurt to contact your dad blah blah blah". It made me 100% sure my decision to be nc with them was right. I was livid she made a happy moment in my life about them. She had no right to bring that up then, a simple "congratulations" would have made me think twice but bringing up that situation was the final straw and 8 years later I still haven't uttered a word to them since.

I think you did fine.

She texted you, you replied.

I'd probably say to dh- yeah, I replied and said we'd love to see her.

You know she still might get in touch- going to a university far away doesn't mean the end of anything. In fact, she might get a new perspective.

OP just to let you know, you can't win. esp on mumsnet

if you respect her decision to go NC, that means you don't care

but OTOH, if you keep trying, you are stalking and you need to leave her alone

I have had to completely back away for my own sanity, dh and I don't even talk about his daughter now. we have 2 dc together that are his daughters half siblings, they have met once and they won't again unless it happens between them all when my dc are adults.

Your message was fine until "would it hurt..."

You went too far there.

These were my exact words seeing as how it's sparked some accusations that I'm a stepmonster for using the term 'would it hurt'. "Hi dsd, well done on your fantastic results. I know that Dad is very pleased for you too and we're both sure you'll continue to do well at university and beyond. Would you consider meeting Dad somewhere neutral before you go in September? Or if not, would it hurt to just text him occasionally to let him know you're doing ok? I know you feel you've moved on in life but it's impossible for a parent to forget about a child. Good luck at uni xx"

The bit about 'moving on in life' is not a sarcastic dig BTW before anyone levels that criticism at Mr - she has said to her mum "I'm happy with my life as it is now" about the situation so I am acknowledging her feelings but trying to make her realise we have them too and a parent will never give up on their child.

Well, I think you were wrong to do what you did.

If you really cared about this girl, you would not drag her down today of all days by raising an issue that you knew would be unwelcome and stressful for her. If I was her, I would think your care was all for your partner and not at all for her. It's also the last approach you should take with someone who has already backed off. If your partner thinks this too, you're in trouble. Boundaries, woman.

Most people who've been cut off think they're 'different' and haven't done anything wrong. Quite frankly you've no idea what you've done because she's chosen not to enlighten you.

that's what dh daughter said as well OP

that she has "moved on" , happy with her life without him in it etc so we have just accepted it

(shame her decision is mostly based on lies, omissions and manipulation from her mum)

its very positive that you have contact with your other SD though .....x

I hope your step daughter doesn't read this thread, seeing as you've posted your exact words, Little. I think you might as well tell your husband about your texting because, if his ex-wife is acrimonious then she might tell him.

I think you've crossed the line posting that, I really do. If I were the step daughter I would be mortified.