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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give less for a wedding as the couple haven't paid for it themselves and I've not got a +1

80 replies

Itsawd · 12/08/2015 11:45

Usually I'd give 50 per person for a full day thing.

Seeing as the couple I'm going to at the weekend have had it all paid for by parents I'm thinking about giving less just because other couples I know have had to save up for their own wedding. Aibu?

OP posts:
InThisTogether · 12/08/2015 13:32

I am getting married in a few weeks, I really hope this is not one of my guests?

We have scrimped and saved to pay for our own (approx £2.5k) wedding, bacause we have tiny families and no real money

We didn't ask for money or presents at all but a LOT of our family and friends wanted to get us something so we've said to them we'd love money (for a trip to Berlin we could never normally afford) or vouchers but only for those who have wanted to.

I'd be so sad to think that my friends and family were adding it up in this way, 'he paid for this, she paid for that' etc. Honestly, if any of my guests felt like this I'd much rather they didn't go.

Save your 'friends' the cost of the meal OP, and don't go, it really sounds like you don't like them anyway.

Original poster
Itsawd · 12/08/2015 13:33

Actually OP, I think I slightly know what you mean. I got invited with my children to a friend's wedding. I was very aware that having us there and our three children along with the childcare provision she had made for small children so the grown-ups could dance the night away did lead to me giving even more of a generous present then I perhaps would have had it just been my husband and I invited (not that I would have been at all tight then but I did really want to reflect how generous I felt she had been).

Thanks. Tbh it wouldn't make any difference to the present I gave if it was a present, but they are saying no to presents and want cash.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsawd · 12/08/2015 13:35

I'd be so sad to think that my friends and family were adding it up in this way, 'he paid for this, she paid for that' etc. Honestly, if any of my guests felt like this I'd much rather they didn't go.

If you don't want your guests to think like this don't ask for cash on the invite. I know I'm being flamed but I don't think I'm the only party at blame after they asked for cash.

OP posts:
AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain · 12/08/2015 13:36

Yabu and weird.

And as for the +1, do they know your partner, you said they aren't long term. Maybe that's why you haven't got one, maybe they need space for other friends and family.

marinacortina · 12/08/2015 13:49

I avoid going to weddings whenever possible. I did not go to a cousin's wedding recently, because I wouldn't have known anybody apart from 4 relatives, I would have had to fork out for a hotel and travel on a bank holiday and I didn't really want to go.

I still gave them a present though. I think it's a totally separate matter.

ImperialBlether · 12/08/2015 13:52

It's pretty miserable going to a wedding on your own, though. I think a plus one should be given. Who wants to sit there on their own?

Tenieht · 12/08/2015 14:03

you sound awful, what have they done to deserve you as a guest . No wonder you didn't get a plus 1

Tenieht · 12/08/2015 14:09

Is it really an American tradition to cover your costs? Sounds so horrid to think like this but somehow I can almost believe they'd take dollar worship to this level......

AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain · 12/08/2015 14:39

It's pretty miserable going to a wedding on your own, though. I think a plus one should be given. Who wants to sit there on their own?

Depends though doesn't it. If you're with friends you don't need a plus one. One of my friends asked if she could bring a date to my wedding. I said no. She was with 5 other friends, and it was my wedding, not date night.

ImperialBlether · 12/08/2015 15:02

I agree, but if you're with friends, you're not alone! It's great if you're in a big group of friends but if you're invited to a wedding where you don't know anyone else it's a bit miserable if you're on your own. I think you were right with your wedding - you invited six friends so they could all have a good time together.

Binit · 12/08/2015 15:11

They asked for cash and you're deliberately not giving it. This isn't a friendship. Why don't you just not go?

You sound bitter about their parents paying for their wedding instead of being happy for them. If you really liked them, you'd be pleased for them.

You don't like them. You might think you do, but you don't. It is glaringly obvious from your posts.

Mrsjayy · 12/08/2015 15:25

Covering cost ? but if you gave a fancy toaster as a gift that still isnt covering any cost really its a wedding who cares who paid for what i am baffled that folk think like this.

MuddhaOfSuburbia · 12/08/2015 15:32

I think a lot of couples getting wed these days think like this-ie the guests' presents (ie cash, usually) should cover the costs of inviting them

It's shitty. We had a cheapo wedding and told everyone NOT to give us anything.

Asking for cash is mercenary and a bit crass imo. If you want your guests to be decent, be decent yourselves!

Mrsjayy · 12/08/2015 15:42

Tbf a lot of couples live together so cash makes sense as there is no double gifting least with cash or vouchers they can get something bigger or go on honeymoon or whatever weddings seem to be a minefield these days i know i sound ancient but when i got married you sent invites people came or not.

Mrsjayy · 12/08/2015 15:44

It used to be traditional for parents to pay for weddings i wonder if gift buyers gave gifts according to who paid for it

apricotdanish · 12/08/2015 16:28

I think all the character assassinations you're getting are a bit harsh given that the underlying issue is that you're a bit miffed that they asked for cash. I also think it's in bad taste to ask for cash and think this concept takes a bit of the joy out of giving, I understand it may be more useful but still find it icky.

spangledboots · 12/08/2015 18:35

Eugh. I hate this question. There are a few things I think about if I'm giving money as a wedding gift

  • did they specifically ask for money? Why?

I personally don't like being asked to give money but I understand why if a couple are moving in to their own place and would need funds to pay for house things (this happens a lot where I'm from as couples tend not to live together/stay at home until they get married) but I don't like feeling like I'm being asked to pay for a honeymoon or someone's house deposit when I can't affort a mortgage or a nice holiday! Maybe that's selfish of me but it's my gut reaction!

  • how close am I to the couple?

Obviously the closer I am, the more I'll want to give

  • how much has the wedding 'cost' me!?

Hen parties, travelling, outfit, hotel, bar costs etc. etc. etc. will sometimes play a part in how much I give. This can mean that if the wedding is quite formal, I'll have had to spend so much already that I might end up having to be a bit more budget with my gift (which I guess is the opposite of 'covering my cost')

  • did I have a +1?

I think these have died as a concept! I'm single at the moment and am always just invited on my own which is a bit depressing when others bring partners...I'd like to have the chance to at least bring a friend! Would obviously give more as a gift if this was the case.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 12/08/2015 18:42

I don't have a problem with cash requests, and I really don't get the MN distaste with either cash or gift lists - some people seem to be surprised that the majority of people will bring a gift at a wedding at all. But I'd hate to have the attitude of working out how much the day had cost, dividing it by the number of guests, times the number of my family invited then knock a bit off or add a bit on if you suspect that the B&G have had some help from families to pay for it or not Confused

I know it's an Irish thing to "cover your plate", but seriously OP, give what you can afford and feel comfortable with. If that's £25, fine, but don't try to justify it with "well they asked for cash, and I didn't get a +1 so ner ner ner ner"

mumeeee · 12/08/2015 18:45

YABU and over thinking it. I don't give according on who has paid for a wedding. I just give what I want the couple to have.

ShelaghTurner · 12/08/2015 18:48

Absolutely not an Irish thing that I've ever heard of in the countless Irish weddings I've been to.

FrancesOldhamKelseyRIP · 12/08/2015 18:53

I think it's weird to downgrade your gift because the bride's parents have paid. But it's only natural that two people will give a larger gift than one person.

chippednailvarnish · 12/08/2015 19:00

Please don't go. I'm pretty sure if the couple knew you were the wedding scrooge, they wouldn't have invited you.

Bunbaker · 12/08/2015 19:11

I got married 34 years ago. My parents paid for the wedding because it was "the done thing". When OH and I announced to my parents we wanted to get married they told me that they would pay for the wedding. I didn't just assume they would.

So we had a small wedding. We had drawn up a list of things we would like and my mum looked after it. We didn't send it out with the invitations because that would have been crass and grabby. It meant that those who wanted to buy us something could ask my mum. A lot of MIL's friends just bought presents for us, even though they hadn't been invited to the wedding. It was a lovely thing for them to do.

Shortly after we got married we visited all MIL's friends to thank them for the presents (some of which were awful - think brown nylon sheets). At each house we were offered a glass of sherry. By the time we got back to MIL's house we were several sheets to the wind Grin

Back to the OP, just give what you feel comfortable giving. How the wedding was paid for is none of your business.

CrapBag · 12/08/2015 20:35

FGS not this cash bollocks again!

Most people have lived together for several year before getting married. Why should they try and find some household stuff to put on a gift list that they probably just don't need! Cash or vouchers is so much easier. Then they can put it towards something big.

spangledboots · 12/08/2015 21:16

I gave a pretty considerable sum (given my monthly earnings at the time) to two close friends who married each other even though they asked for money and that made me feel weird (that's the first time I'd been asked to give money in an invite...one of those corny poems!) I went alone.

And since then the wife has been to 4 or 5 weddings and moaned about how much going to them cost(!) and saying how ridiculous it was that they were expected to give money because they were saving for a house deposit...a deposit which was significantly funded by cash gifts from their own wedding!

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